Invited to a “Money Shower” — Now What?
Because the money shower (or money tree shower) is still a little esoteric and brings up a slew of thorny issues, we’re going to answer a few more questions Kim didn’t ask:
What’s the proper etiquette for monetary gifts? Is it ever appropriate to ask for them? Are “money trees” and “money showers” considered in bad taste?
You’re planning a bridal shower, and let’s face it — the bride and groom have been living together for three years, already accumulating at least two blenders and a toaster oven. What they could really use is some extra cash (they’ve been dying to remodel their 70s-era bathroom).
However, blatantly asking for specific gifts — monetary or otherwise — is in poor taste. Just imagine an invitation that reads: “I could really use some new shoes — please send me some strappy sandals.” (Just because Carrie Bradshaw got away with it does not make it okay!)
What you can do is let guests know (if they ask) that the bride prefers cash gifts. Send shower invites without registry information; inquiring guests will ask where the couple is registered, presenting a perfect opportunity to respond with the bride’s preference. Some guests will still prefer to give a tangible gift, so the couple should register for a few items.
Avoid drawing attention to the cash with a “money tree,” or other cash-displaying gimmick, so guests bringing tangible gifts don’t feel awkward. Simply display all cards and gifts together for the bride to open and acknowledge. The happy bride-to-be should always remember to feel privileged, not entitled.
You’re sorting through your mail, and to your dismay discover a shower invitation with a cutesy rhyme such as -
“¦To make it easy for you
and avoid a shopping spree
We thought that we would have instead,
a little money tree”¦
Although this presents a clear breach of etiquette, it also doesn’t justify an uprising of the etiquette police. Pointing out another’s faux pas is just as rude as the original blunder. Here are your options:
Bring a monetary gift ““ If you choose to participate with a cash donation, give whatever you feel comfortable giving. The shower host will start the tree off for guests by tying a bill or small envelope on the tree, and guests will follow suit. There is usually no way to tell who gave what amount. In this instance, bring a card separate from the cash for the bride.
Bring a tangible gift — I say this with caution, because you don’t want to appear as if you’re protesting the shower theme. That said, if you’ve put a lot of thought into selecting something memorable for the bride, take pride in presenting her with a thoughtful gift to acknowledge her upcoming nuptials.
The Expert
Cori Russell is editor-in-chief for Elegala Magazine. Elegala is a new wedding planning resource offering the most comprehensive portfolio of superior wedding reception sites and wedding vendors, with the planning tips to keep brides in the know on today’s wedding trends and styles.
proper schmopper…..who cares!! as long as the bride has fun, thats all that matters. times have changed, anything goes
my fiance and i are having a jack and jill shower and have not registered. We are trying to save for a dining room set and also for other home improvements. We have lived together for 3 years and just bought a house. We do not need pots and pans and all those things. We figured we would make suggestions of stores that we like for example home depot and bed bath and beyond. We are leaving it up to the guests if they want to give us money, a gift card, or a gift. Usually, when you are not registered anywhere, it is assumed by people that they should give money or a gift card. I do not see anything wrong with this. People spend money on the gifts they give you! If someone thought that I was rude for doing this, then they wouldnt have to come to the shower, and I wouldnt want them to!
I still think asking for money is tacky. For people with a home to remodel, list some of the items you need (Floor tile, style #, color, etc.) I went to two showers where the couple were registered at Menards and Home depot. One asked for bird feeders, garden tools, etc.
I think the reason people object to money requests is that they like to think the bride & groom will look at their gifts through the years and think, “This item came from so-and-so.” For an anniversary gift, we were given a wreath which had money on it Bills can be folded to look like bows.
also, im not going to have my 80 yeard old grandather going to home depot and having to unload tile! Thats ridiculous! If people give you money, then you can go buy the tile yourself..I dont understand why asking for money is such an issue! Its the same thing as asking for gifts!
No! It is NOT! Google gift.
My fiance; and I have been together for 6 yrs we have a 4 yr old son and this is our second attempt to get married. We have everythign we need. And although it is not customary to ask for monetary donations instead of gifts that is exactly what we would like to do so that the money we recieve can be put towards bills and of course the cost of the wedding. Does ANYONE have any suggestions on how the wording should go in the invitations? PLease help I am in deseperate need.
Thanks
marie,
it is improper to ask for or expect money on wedding invitations. this should be done by word of mouth only. if you want to read more from the google search just type in asking for money and wedding invites also try wedding money registry, there are some places you can register for money, check it out!! good luck!!
*Your Wedding Registry - Get Money To Pay For Your Wedding
*Wedding Gifts: Asking for Money
*How to Ask for money on a wedding invitation
*The new wedding registry trend is all about what you want
*money registry
*wishingwell
I am having a small ceremony at my grandparens home, so the amount of people invited is very limited. Plus the fact that they live about 150 miles from where most of my friends and I live. My dilema is that since my wedding guests will consist of mainly immediate family and very few close friends, my maid of honor still wants to have a bridal shower for me here in our home town. I know that it isn’t proper to invite some one to a shower if they are not invited to the wedding, so how do we do this? I am not concerned about gifts. But I would like to have a day with my friends to celebrate my upcoming wedding, besides having a bachelorette party. Any advice on how to go about this?
angie,
* Q&A: Bridal Shower: Okay to Have One for Intimate Wedding?
* bridal shower–only for wedding invitees?
* New Destination Wedding Etiquette Q&A
* Invite to bridal shower, but not wedding?
angie, there are many mixed reactions on this. but rule of thumb is you usually sont have a bridal shower unless guests are invited to a wedding. i think i would cancel the shower idea, cause it will look like your “wanting” gifts but not the guest attendance. what i would do if $ permit, like with a destiantion wedding. have a small reception back home dont worry about food, just have simple cake, punch and coffee. that way they will get to celebrate also and a bridal shower wouldnt look out of place. it doesnt have to be elaborate, just extremely simple. simple decor, like a home party. decorate a couple key areas and have cake and beverage table real pretty. if gifts dont mean much, though, then you wouldnt have to do this. smile. a great way for your friends to celebrate would be manis and pedis, or spa day. if this is not an idea. then have a movie and dinner night out or in (order pizza, rent movies, have drinks, and just enjoy memories and laughter!!)
i understand everything stated about the money shower,but what do you do when the groom is in the services and right after their wedding they will by stationed some where(unknown as of now). the cost of shipping everything will probably be tremendous, what do you suggest
This is when a money shower REALLY comes in handy!
I’ve read most of the posts in here and I don’t see a problem with a ‘money tree’. We will be hosting a bridal shower for my future daughter in law soon and most of her relatives live on the other side of the US & they are having a destination wedding because of this - we were going to put something in the invitations like this…. Since the couple is having a destination wedding if you would prefer to contribute to their money tree in lieu of a gift we will have a ‘tree’ set up at the shower for you to attach your card. This will help them to have a fabulous time on the island. This way it is not EXPECTED for anyone to give money…it’s just an option for gift giving. Everyone gets together to celebrate the union of two people that they love and care for and everyone will be bringing a gift anyway to express their good wishes. A ‘money tree’ is the best gift new couples can get in today’s recession ridden economy!
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I live 1000 miles from my family, and I am about to move 1000 miles from where I currently live, to be with my fiance. My Aunt is hosting a Bridal shower for me when I visit “home” this summer. The invitations invite everyone to the event, it notes that my Fiance will be in attendance and that a gifting tree will be available.
if he is going into the military, the military will pay for shipping everything.
My sister-in-law is moving from Dallas to Canada to get married. Her fiance is not allowed back into the U.S. for five years. We’d love to give her a wedding shower, but moving lots of tangible gifts over the border can be a big challenge. How can we, or should we, make this point on the shower invitations?
My future daughter-in-law will not open gifts at a shower. They really don’t “need” anything but would like to buy a few large items…..furniture for their bedroom and kitchen.
I’m thinking of having the shower at my home (if that’s appropriate?) and how do I word the invitation to let them know that they aren’t registered at any stores.
This would be a HUGE shower. Possible 40 women.
Thanks
Lately, I have been asked to several showers, but have not been invited to the actual wedding. To me this seems rude and nothing more than a money grab. What is the etiquette around this?
Personally, anyone who is invited to the shower, should be invited to the wedding. I too would see it as a money/gift grab.
Who should be invited to the bridal shower?
The mother-of-the-bride and mother-of-the-groom should always be invited to the shower - along with the bride, of course! (As well as step-mothers on both sides.)
Sisters of the bride and groom are also generally invited to every bridal shower, but have the option of choosing to attend just one.
People who are not invited to the wedding should not be invited to the bridal shower.
Other than that, the bride and hostess should work together to come up with the guest list for the bridal shower. Numbers should be kept within the hostess’ budget (brides, be respectful of their wishes!) and hostess’ you should clearly set this limit from the beginning.
Couples showers are becoming more popular, but keep in mind that this can double the guest list.
Source: Bridal shower etiquette at BWedd
well this is the problem, you get an invite for the shower before the invite for the wedding normally. What a shock when you are not invited to the wedding. This is something that is hard to predict.
But if you do know that you are not invited to the wedding for whatever reason (probably scaling back) decline tactfully. That’s the best you can do.
If they come back and ask you why just tell them. If my presence is not good enough for the wedding, it certainly isn’t needed at the shower. End of Story.
I’m helping my youngest daugther with the shower she is throwing her older sister this late Spring. So the fun will now begin.
thanks
Hilda
Mother of the Bride!
We are having a communal wedding with 1000 invitations going out. 5 showers have been planned and the bride and groom are just starting out together with nothing for their small apartment. Although they will need many “things” they will not be able to house all the stuff that 1000 people could bring! We thought of doing a themed shower where they could collect money to buy their bedroom furniture, for example, would make more sense but asking for money feels odd. Everything we’ve read on the subject makes sense for smaller weddings. Any thoughts?
Dee, you are in a tough spot. In cultures where very large weddings like yours are common, like India & China, it’s already customary for guests to gift the couple with cash, not material things. So there, the culture and evolved etiquette solves the problem of very large weddings.
Here, the etiquette books will not help you much because as you say, the size of your wedding is atypical. In this country, many guests feel uncomfortable giving cash. Some will find it impersonal, and definitely prefer a registry. And if you ask for cash outright, some guests may be offended.
I feel you’ll just have to do the best you can by spreading the message by WORD OF MOUTH (via the MOB & MOG, bridesmaids, etc.), informing anyone who asks that cash is preferred, given the size of the event. Still, avoid putting anything to that effect on ANY invitations or wedding stationery unless you want to raise eyebrows and ruffle feathers.
But this is just my take. Please anyone else w/ thoughts on this, chime in!
I couldn’t agree more Dawn, in this country Money showers seem to be frowned upon, I don’t know why cause money is the one thing everyone ALWAYS needs and anytime, besides, we spend money on the gifts we give anyways, so isn’t giving money easier???
I posted previously that I had a money shower thrown for me and work of mouth is what was used. I did (however) still receive gifts from the odd person who found giving cash offensive, but out of 125 women who attended my shower, only 3 gifts were given, those are not bad odds, right? Good luck Dee.
In the case where large purchases such as furniture is needed by the couple. Gift cards to a furniture store would be appropriate. This way you can still list them as registered - so a gift card or gift certificate to that store would be greatly appreciated.
I want to inform the wedding guests of my daughter in law that she will not be able to travel home for a bridal shower because she will be leaving for the air force. I would like to send a letter to request monetary gifts inlight of the situation. Is that just too tacky?
What’s the matter with a money tree? Most people end up taking things back for a refund,so cut out the middle man and just give the cash.A friend of mine is getting married for the second time and her husband is handicapped.They need a new sofa that is feesible for him and also for her 3 children.I would rather give them money to go get that than some useless toaster.
Wow, I’m shocked that there are so many people offended by a monetary wishing well. I don’t know what you use as currency to buy gifts on a registry, but I’m pretty sure it’s with green paper called money. And if you want to say it’s tacky to as for a monetary donation towards something practical like buying a house or finishing a kitchen, versus a registry full of stuff that you will likely sell at a garage sale in 4 years, then you also shouldn’t include a registry card in your invitation. Honestly if someone that i know if offended by a wishing well, I really don’t want them at my wedding bc they will likely be the fist person to comment on the flowers or something else. Be simple and practical. And you’re just as tacky for being judgemental instead of supporting whatever the bride wants to do.
I am having a bridal shower for my future daughter in-law. The problem is that they live 1200 miles away. I am having a small separate shower near our home so my family can attend. Since they have to fly back home, how do I add gift certificates appreciated to the invitations without offending anyone.
Thank you for your help.
I am having a shower for my sister who also has everything she could possibly need with regard to blenders etc, however they are in between selling a home and purchasing a new home so they are not quite sure how they will decorate the new place and therefor do not want to register. I don’t see what the big deal is about a money shower either! I have also been suggested to hold a gift card shower. My question to all of you smart girls who also do not see any problem with the money shower..any suggestions for how to word the invitation without being so blatently obvious about it?
Kate, I went with good old word of mouth and it seemed to work out fine for my bridal shower (which passed about a month ago). No gift, all envelopes. So if you have a strong network of helpers, have them give you a hand at spreading the work.
Becky, I don’t think you idea is tacky at all! Honestly, someone who is 60 and remarrying, what more do they need?? Money (or gift cards) can be used at anytime on anything!!
I’m planning an office bridal shower for a coworker who is getting married at 60. This is a 2nd marriage for both of them. hence neither of them need any house hold items. In fact they need to get rid of some things as they will be merging two homes. From reading all of the posts I guess I will be having a pretty tacky shower, as I plan on having a money tree or wishing well. Do you have any alternative ideas?
I have read that asking for money is ok if done tactfully and not being asked for by the bride & groom.
I am engaged to be married and if I ever found out that monetary shower invitations were sent out I would call each and every person and apologize. Weddings are not just for making money…they are to celebrate the love of two people. IF the bride and groom have everything they could ever need, then a bridal shower is not necessary. The point of the shower is to set them up with household items which they cannot afford to buy themselves. I have been invited to a Monetary shower recently by a couple who are 1. having a Jack and Jill to make money, and 2. who have scheduled their wedding on the Sunday of a long weekend to save themselves money. Not only is my annual family getaway screwed, but they are doing it only to save themselves a few pennies. The Monetary invitation is just a kick in the ass and I certainly am NOT feeding into it! Can you tell I’m offended?
There is a difference between me and people like that….I amhaving my wedding on a Saturday (as most would expect) and I agree with you about the shower being there to help get the couple set up. My fiance and I just got a house, which needs extensive renovations. We have the household items we need to start our lives, but we need to make sure that our living space is liveable…the kitchen is 30+ years old, bathroom has broken rotted tiles…I’m not just talking about making it beautiful…these are all items that need to be done…which all take $$$$$ to do. Even though we are doing a lot of the work ourselves, there are things we need to buy, people we need to hire and we can not pay for these things in pots and pans….
Amen Marissa…You totally put it all into prospective. I too am having a Saturday wedding. My fiance and I rent and have all the pots and pans we need. However, we are trying to save for a house and the money would help with that immensely. Why do people not get this??? Again I write: Gifts are bought with $$$!
If we get it Miranda, why can’t others? I know that most brides and grooms are going through the same thing, why take offense? I dont. Prior to getting engaged I had been to several money showers, did I take offense? No, I understood! Am I putting on the invite that its a money shower? No, I’m relying on work of mouth by my mom, mom in law, sisters, sis in law and bridesmaids. Most of my close family and friends know our situation, know that the one thing we need most is money (or Home Depot gift cards), and they respect the honesty. I will not judge them by how much the give, but later on we can say “The shower gifts helped pay for this kitchen or bathroom…” or whatever!!! Is that not the same as getting tangible gifts??
I agree with Shannon- if you do not NEED anything, you shouldn’t be seeking gifts. A “shower” is not neccesary. If you want to have a celebration, have an engagement party. Do not request gifts (you don’t need them).
Getting married is not about the gifts. If someone feels that they should still give you a gift, often times people will bring a card with money or a gift card to the wedding, and then your not tackily saying “hey, I don’t need what your gonna try and give me but I feel entitled to some cash”.
I just got married, I just went through this- there was a lot of stuff we did not NEED- so guess what, we just let people know there wasn’t much we needed. And we still ended up with a lot of gift cards/cash gifts, and you can always register for a few things that are always nice to have replaced (towels, sheets, etc)
Honestly though, the majority of people want to buy you wedding china and will be offended if the opportunity to buy you china isn’t there. (experience- I got nagged until I put it on my registry and it was immediately all purchased, every relative waited until it was there). Most couples do not have china before getting married.
Pam,
Me and my fiancee don’t need any pots and pans or appliances, but we do NEED money to help pay for the wedding i am still in school paying for that working a part time job and having a house means we have bills, and my parents have bills so they cant pay for my wedding…life cost money…so why have guest waste money on something we don’t need…and i am having a bridal shower because we NEED money to help pay bills during this time so we can afford to have a wedding
We have enough money for the wedding. Thank you very much comment below! We do not want guest to pay for the wedding, however, presents cost MONEY…so just give money. Let the couple buy things as they need it. I just don’t understand the money hang-up. I agree with Marissa!
Thank You Miranda! That is what I’m trying to say! You’re going to spend it anyways…why not save the trip to the store and put the same money you would spend on a gift in an envelope and give that!!!
I wish I could understand the hang up! Some say its rude, I don’t think it is. By registering, are not telling people what to give you? Is it not the same thing?? The person registering knows what each item is worth, its not surprise??
Whatever…
I’m having an anxiety attack through the night because of what’s happening. My husband and I have agreed to hosting an outside wedding and reception at our home for my husband’s sister, who’s nearing 50 yrs of age. I’m ok with that, but the anxiety is over this: The bridal shower is being held at a niece’s house 2 days before the wedding…and it will be a money shower and the bride doesn’t want to take the time to register at any department store… The bride and groom have been living together for many years and have just purchased a lot and will be building a turn-key house. I never received an invitation to the shower, but, I’m expected to be there according to my mother-in-law and give money!!! I’ve been working on a “signature quilt” for the bride…wedding guests will sign the quilt.
Should I have received an invitation? Would it be rude of me not to attend the shower? Should I attend the shower and not give money? I just think it’s rude to be told to give money to a couple who seem to have everything and money. At their age, I think the groom is approaching 60, shouldn’t they request “Your presence is present enough”?
Personally, growing up in a European family, money showers are being more and more the norm. My fiance and I have everything we need to start our married life and all of our friends and family know this and understand why I am having a money shower. My mother & mother-in-law are on my side too as they have purchased much of the items for past birthday’s and christmas. We don’t need furniture. We can afford the wedding and the honeymoon as we had set a budget previously and have been saving money for the last 2 years or so….this is not a cash grab or a way to make money, the point is, why register for stuff we have already or don’t need? No specific amount is expected…it is not for a new wardrobe or anything like that just for our future, much as the registered gifts would be only we can use it when we want or what we want. What more can a bride and groom need??
For people who already have everything, and don’t need the money either, there are other options. There are websites where you can register to have guests purchase parts of your honeymoon - just type in “honeymoon registry” on Google. Or you could ask guests to donate to your favorite charity in your honor, that is what my father did when he got remarried a couple years ago.
Well LuckyInLove, I guess everyone is entitled to their own opinion
I don’t care if this is the new generation, whether you have everything you need for your home or not - I find it in very poor taste for a bride and a groom (or a parent) to ask for monetary wedding and/or shower gift. You’re essentially asking for the guest to “pay” for the wedding and/or shower. If you can’t afford to pay for your own wedding, perhaps you should revisit your finances and your guest list, then revise your budget so you can stay within your means. A wedding is about the celebration of the love and commitment a couple has for each other - not a means to make big bucks from the people who matter the most!
does anybody have any ideas what to put inside of the invitations… how to tell the guest that we are having a money tree… Thanks
I have been looking for someway to let people know that we are having a money shower for an employee who is moving to England. It is very expensive to send things there and they don’t have the same stores as we do. I found this.
To make it easy for you,
and avoid a shopping spree.
We thought that we would instead,
have a little money tree.
I think this is cute and people already know she is moving.
I hate the fact that people say it’s not “proper” to ask for money…what a new married couple needs is to be debt free. If you are spending the money on a gift what difference does it make to put it in an envelope instead?? I’m getting married in October and do not know how to word that we would appreciate cash. We have all our appliances already. It really sucks that we would be called tacky for that…but we can ask for a slew of gifts…Yeah that’s soooo much better:-?
I would like to give my niece a bridal shower (she is like a daughter to me). My problem is she lives in Califnoria and the rest of the family lives in Massachusetts. She is unable to come home until 3 days before the wedding. Is there any way I could have a proxity shower with her mother standing in for her. We would video it so she could see what is going on. It would have to be a money or gift cards shower
You will probably find that most people won’t want to come if the bride is not going to be there and trying to plan one right before the wedding might be to hectic. Another option, if she is around for a while after the wedding, is to host a post wedding shower.
At what point can I say no? I have been asked to contribute to a ‘money shower’ , a stag and doe and a gift for the wedding. When did a wedding become an event to make money off the backs of your friends and your friends families?
anna gay…i am in the same boat…wonder if it is the same couple? Are you from La Jolla?
nope….denver
Here is my dilema, my finacee live in Virginia and I am in Michigan after the wedding I will be relocating to VA. So we are not registering. Is that a good or bad thing and would like to request monetary gifts, since we will be combining two households and we both have been single for quite a while so we have alot of things already. What would be the best way to let our guest know that we would prefer money or gift cards.
You help is greatly appreciated.
Thanks
Felicia
I’m helping throw a jack and jill shower for a friend and she and her fiance have been living together for quite some time. I know she would like to have a nice honeymoon as they may not afford it with all the money spent on the wedding. What is the proper way to ask attendees to bring a monetary gift instead of tangible. I have also considered including in the invitation an envelope with a picture of the bride and groom for the gift to be placed in and brought to the party. I’d like to know if this is okay, or if there are any other suggestions.
Thank you
I’m planning an engagement for my daughter and they already have a furnished home. How do I tell people to only give money?
Thank you