Invited to a “Money Shower” — Now What?
Because the money shower (or money tree shower) is still a little esoteric and brings up a slew of thorny issues, we’re going to answer a few more questions Kim didn’t ask:
What’s the proper etiquette for monetary gifts? Is it ever appropriate to ask for them? Are “money trees” and “money showers” considered in bad taste?
Asking for Monetary Gifts at a Shower
You’re planning a bridal shower, and let’s face it — the bride and groom have been living together for three years, already accumulating at least two blenders and a toaster oven. What they could really use is some extra cash (they’ve been dying to remodel their 70s-era bathroom).
However, blatantly asking for specific gifts — monetary or otherwise — is in poor taste. Just imagine an invitation that reads: “I could really use some new shoes — please send me some strappy sandals.” (Just because Carrie Bradshaw got away with it does not make it okay!)
What you can do is let guests know (if they ask) that the bride prefers cash gifts. Send shower invites without registry information; inquiring guests will ask where the couple is registered, presenting a perfect opportunity to respond with the bride’s preference. Some guests will still prefer to give a tangible gift, so the couple should register for a few items.
Avoid drawing attention to the cash with a “money tree,” or other cash-displaying gimmick, so guests bringing tangible gifts don’t feel awkward. Simply display all cards and gifts together for the bride to open and acknowledge. The happy bride-to-be should always remember to feel privileged, not entitled.
What If I’m Asked to Bring a Monetary Gift?
You’re sorting through your mail, and to your dismay discover a shower invitation with a cutesy rhyme such as —
To make it easy for you
and avoid a shopping spree
We thought that we would have instead,
a little money tree
Although this presents a clear breach of etiquette, it also doesn’t justify an uprising of the etiquette police. Pointing out another’s faux pas is just as rude as the original blunder. Here are your options:
Bringing a Monetary Gift
If you choose to participate with a cash donation, give whatever you feel comfortable giving. The shower host will start the tree off for guests by tying a bill or small envelope on the tree, and guests will follow suit. There’s usually no way to tell who gave what amount. In this instance, bring a card separate from the cash for the bride.
Bringing a Tangible Gift
I say this with caution, because you don’t want to appear as if you’re protesting the shower theme. That said, if you’ve put a lot of thought into selecting something memorable for the bride, take pride in presenting her with a thoughtful gift to acknowledge her upcoming nuptials.
The Expert
Cori Russell is editor-in-chief for Elegala Magazine. Elegala is a new wedding planning resource offering the most comprehensive portfolio of superior wedding reception sites and wedding vendors, with the planning tips to keep brides in the know on today’s wedding trends and styles.
I recieved your reply-that it is impolite to “expect a gift”. I don’t think that is what I was really expecting–I was expecting that the other party would #1 care enough to send a shower gift since I had just been to her shower and gave a nice gift, but #2 I would expect her to have THE GOOD MANNERS to recpricate. (Unless she is in financial bind-and she isn’t. Could someone touch on that? You know-we did an exchange of gifts at the office. and ONE OF THE SUPERVISORS had a co-workers name and gave her 3 items FROM THE DOLLAR STORE. What an insult. (The limit was $10). It was a slap in the face and made her look BAD. She wares the finest clothes, etc. People who do not want to play the game-should not take the rewards. Thanks, Molly June.
Molly June,
It is always thoughtful to send a gift but even if someone can financially afford a gift, the guest always has the option to give. For instance, holidays we give gifts but if we do not get one we do not feel any different for the person. It should never be about the amount of the gift, just the thought behind it, is what matters most.
I am thinking they couldn’t show at the shower. If a guest cannot attend the shower they are not obligated to send or give a gift.
What gift to send if not attending the destination wedding?
Bridal gift if not attending shower?
Sending a shower gift if not attending?
No wedding gift from uncle/brother …
Molly June,
See this link
Another Q&A
I know most of these apply to wedding gifts but focus on general gift giving as well. I hope these links helped and hope everything works out. Wishing you the best!
Kyra-did you have your wedding yet? you sai dyou live off $150 a week and need help/cash possibly as a gift? NO! sTAY WITHIN YOUR MEANS! tHERE ARE NO RULES WHEN IT COMES TO weddings-make it your own! Some people may realize your situation and give a nice cash gift, otherwise, just keep it simple. My sis went to justice of peace for license, all dressed up in peach, groom all dressed up, flower girl, and asked if he’d say the vows outside under a tree. VERY VERY PRETTY! ABOUT 2w of us there. went back to her home for refreshments! :)
Molly June,
Your sisters wedding sounds perfect. I love weddings with simplicity and happy to see them make a come back. It focuses on the true meaning of the occasion and not all the “fluff”. I have heard so many brides lately say they love the beauty of big weddings but prefer “pared down” because it focuses on the love, not a “production” or the money. I agree focus on the true meaning and celebrating with family and friends with good food and lots of laughter, it makes for a beautiful memory.
NEW QUESTION: i WENT TO A COWORKERS DAUGHTER’S BABY SHOWER, BROUGHT NICE GIFT, STAYED HOURS. 2 MONTHS LATER, WAS MY DAUGHTER’S SHOWER. The coworker’s daughter had a problem delivery and a month later was being taken care of by her mom. The mom (my coworker) came to me and said “I’m so sorry I haven’t given a gift, but so much going on. I said, that’s ok, worry about that later. I wasnt’ letting her off the hook. My daughter’s baby came and SHE ALMOST DIED TOO. ok, now both moms and babies are fine. it’s been 5 months. nothing from the coworker !! We’re due a gift!!! what should I do/say?
Molly,
Actually it is improper etiquette and impolite to “expect a gift”. Gift giving is optional from the guest at any event. Unfortunately, this is why there are so many issues in events nowadays. It should be more about the person attending and celebrating with the bride than the gifts. Sadly, it is breaking up relationships( even lifetime friendships or family for not givng a gift or other circumstances) and it is not worth the long term problems it can cause because of one day prewedding or wedding events. Other than most couples already having everything they need and conflicts, giftless bridal showers are on the rise as well. I wouldn’t let a gift come in between my friendship with my co-worker, I would just let it pass. I am so glad the moms and babies are doing okay. I hope I have helped with your question.
My Fiancee and I have to pay for our own wedding however I’m unemployed and He has to pay child support so we live off of 150$ a week I have tried to cut corners wherever I could, I’m having a friend do the photography, we have barely enough money for anything, so I wanted to ask people for money but obviously that is rude, but there’s no way we’ll be able to afford the whole wedding ourselves, does anyone have any ideas?
Kyra,
I would see who has talents in the family that can diy on florals etc. I would choose a backyard wedding or a place that is pretty reasonable. One couple I read about had a simple brunch and with about 40 guests and it was 100 bucks minus attire. It can be done but super creative.
* thrifty wedding
* ohio cave wedding
My daughter got married at a bed and breakfast in Dec. already decorated with a gumbo reception and free entertainment of the christmas parade that night we all forgot about. She wore a flowy burgundy pantsuit and made her cake. People still rave about it
Hi Kyra, Im not sure if you had your wedding yet, but if you havent and we live close, I would be happy to help you with flowers and cutting corners. I also made a wedding web site that said we would rather have monitary gifts due to living together for four years. We had everything we needed. If you need anymore help or advise let me know.
Simply put, asking for someone to arbitrarily buy you something is tacky and wrong. A gift is not ASKED FOR. A gift is FREELY GIVEN. You don’t get to choose what gift you get, you’re supposed to be grateful that you were thought of, that someone spent the time getting you something. Society today is just so self absorbed and has a sense of entitlement.
Momo, THANK YOU so much for saying this out loud!!!! I couldn’t agree with you more!!! The tradition is already tacky as it is, but now it’s getting out of control with monetary gifts requests, follow up cards stating how sorry they are you can’t attend because you live in another continent in the first place (and you are still scratching your head on why you got invited since you met this person once)but they still would love to receive your gift! What happened to elegance and class?
I’m getting married this year and both my fiance and I have all that we could need to “set up house” together. We will be registering for a few things, however we’re in the situation where we will be paying for the wedding ourselves. We have found some amazing ideas and ways to have the wedding we want on a very tight budget. I do believe it’s tacky to blatently ask for monetary gifts, however we are in difficult economic times and I think many people now go this route as it’s also easier than hunting down items on a registry. My sister wrote on my bridal shower invite that I was registered at such and such place and then added that “Visa or American Express Gift Cards would also be appreciated”. We did the same thing for my sister’s baby shower and she still got flooded with gifts, but also had some money to start off an account for my little nephew. I think $$ is the way to go now. Definitely makes my life easier when heading to a wedding or shower…just stop off and buy a Visa gift card for $x amount and then pay a small charge to activate it. No lines to stand in, no frustrations about printing out registries. Good luck all!
What about the peope (such as myself) who cannot take gifts back home with them… My husband and I are stationed in Oahu, Hawaii and we will be having a shower in the Mid-West. Shipping items from the mainland to island is EXTREMELY expensive (it would be impossible for us to do). We have to either ask for cash or no gift; otherwise, the gift will be left in the states. I don’t understand why asking for something that is useful, logical, and practical (CASH) is such a horrible thing. If you don’t want to bring anything–that’s fine. If you don’t want to come–that’s fine. The whole point of giving gifts is to help the couple; not give them more expenses and useless items. Americans waste enough as it is!!
A money tree is absolutely tacky. These guests do not owe the bride and groom anything except the honor of their presence. So brides and grooms alike should be grateful for any gift they receive. White anglo saxon or not, that’s the society we live in and that would make anyone uncomfortable. FYI I am not white anglo saxon and I would say this is tacky and make me uncomfortable. I would actually turn down the invite to avoid that awkwardness.
Well my future hubby & I have paid for our wedding & honeymoon. I am 30 & have worked very hard the last 8 years as a homeowner to build a life for myself. I do not think it tacky to ask for money. My mom also insists on a shower she attends something for our family monthly & feels it is my turn to have a celebration. I am over the drama, I am in love. We registered with Carnival for our honeymoon, anything we do not spend onboard will be cashed out to us the last day of the cruise. As far as the shower goes, I am gift cards & cash all the way. From home depot to Victoria’s secret we will use them all!
I’m sorry – but I feel totally insulted by a recent invite that, not only is at a pricey restaurant in which I will have to buy my own meal and drinks, but requests only money. I enjoy shopping for gifts – AND, if I feel the person/people need money more, may decided to give a monetary gift. BUT – requiring me to do so is offensive. Plus, I will not have the ability to circulate through the other guests and visit with all nor have any chance to sit down and have a moment or two with the honored guest. The spot I get at the table will be mine, even if it is at the opposite end of the people I treasure most. I hate feeling I have to go to something rather than looking forward to it – but that’s the position this invitation put me in.
I think the best thing to do in this particular case is to politely decline the invitaion. Explain to bride and groom that you simply cannot afford to go. If they really are friends of yours then they will understand. ‘
If you don’t want to be so honest tell them that you are willing to watch the children so that everone else can go and have a good time. Or something along those lines.
But whatever you decide to tell them I think that if you really are that uncomfortable with it, you should not attend.
wow – lots of really uptight and somewhat mean folks. why so many rules in your life?
Why would you want to give a gift to a couple that doesn’t need it? That seems more for you than for them. If you really wanted to give them something than you should give them what they need/want.
Plus only in white anglo saxon culture is it rude – most other cultures give money and expect it.
And a registry is more polite than money? here…let me tell you exactly what to buy me. so weird.
People are not getting married at 18 anymore…and just b/c a couple has a house and stuff doesn’t mean they sholdn’t get some sort of a gift or shower.
I’m with you Vicki! What is the big deal??? I think that a money tree shower is a great idea. This way, instead of the bride having to decide what to return(multiples) and offending someone, they could put the money towards something they want. This is their day and maybe they just want to save the money until they have enough for a trip/furniture/home decor whatever. what difference does it make. I have been to so may showers and its sometimes frustrating to try to figure out what to get. Cash is easy and always a pleaser. There was a comment on here from someone who said, that the gifts would be keepsakes of their wedding day. I am sure the bride & groom will remember that they had a wonderful trip compliments of so & so! I have been married for many, many yrs, and I cant remember who got me what. It would have been great to have a trip, something I would remember for a very long time!
My nephew has just come home from the peace corps and his bride to be, a girl from Uganda, is coming here soon. They will be married at the boy’s home and then in Africa. They are planning to train to teach in other countries. They cannot accumulate household items. What they do need cash. Peace Corps is not a place to accumulate vast cash reserves. I want to give the girl a shower. She has never been in the US before and knows nobody but the boy and his parents. How can I give a shower and ask for cash. They don’t need “stuff.” Is a shower the right venue. They’l be married soon after she arrives but the dates are unknown, in the hands of African officials. Help?
I worked in the bridal registry department of a national department store when I was in university. We would have the occasional bride that would register for the most expensive version of everything then return the lot after the wedding. This always seemed to me to be a huge waste of time and money for the bride, the guests and the staff at the store.
If all you really want is money not wedding gifts, then it is best to just say so. Some people are going to think that it’s tacky. Own it. Some people are going to want to give you a gift anyway. Accept them with grace.
But at the end of the day, remember that the “shower” tradition was to help a couple start out in their first home. If you really don’t need “stuff” then you really don’t need a bridal shower, do you? Let your girlfriends take you out to the spa for the day instead.
Thank you! Finally, someone with some common sense. If you don’t need ‘stuff’, then guess what…. you don’t need a shower! Plain and simple. I was just invited to a money shower and I brought a tangible gift. I found something very nice that was on sale… a monetary gift can be quite embarrassing if you cannot afford to give much. With a tangible gift you can stretch your dollar if you are a smart shopper. BTW, the guests all received a party favour that had a small piece of paper tied to it which read: “Thank you for your generosity.” So not only did she ask for everyone to bring her money, she can’t be bothered to mail out personal ‘Thank You’ cards. BRUTAL!!