I’m Not Sure She’s Found Her Prince Charming.
Hi ladies,
I’m here helping my good friend plan her fairy tale wedding even though I’m not sure that she’s found her Prince Charming. I need your help ladies.
I’m looking for the perfect gift for her shower - something she would really love but would never buy for herself, AND I’m also looking for some advice.
Those of you engaged right now, would you want to know if your fiance has cheated on you since the moment you all met? I worry about my friend because we’re in our mid 30s and I think she might be rushing a bit, and overlooking some major character flaws. I recently found out, through a mutual friend, that he has definitely never stopped seeing his so-called ex-girlfriend.
He’s a liar and a cheater; is it my place to tell her? Would you want to know? I’m not sure if I can stand up for her at her wedding knowing the kind of man that she’s marrying. HELP PLEASE!!!
— Renee
May 1st, 2008 at 11:35 pm
Thanks Anita,
You are exactly right. She WILL need a friend later. Right now, she seems to need the ‘dream’ more.
May 1st, 2008 at 1:31 pm
Well Renee,
I’m here to tell you that I have been that so called ex-girlfriend. I found out about the engagement from a mutual friend who knew that I didn’t know that the guy was engaged. For almost a year, he hid an engagement from me. We were together for 5 years and I was pregnant when he proposed to his fiancee. I later had a miscarriage (God works in mysterious ways). When I told the fiancee about her man’s infidelity, with proof in hand, she said one thing to me but through mutual friends I now know that the wedding was never called off. I have more love and respect for myself to even want to have anything to do with this sorry excuse of a man. They have done very childish things to my property to the point where I have almost gone into hiding. My advise, just leave it alone. Let them live their life. Trust me, if he’s cheating while engaged, he’ll cheat while married.
If you really can’t stand up for her, then make up an excuse as to why you now can’t be in the wedding. At least be true to yourself. I have no idea what kind of gift you can buy her, but like others have said here give her your shoulder and friendship for when her fiancee is caught in the act. Like they say, what happens in the dark will someday come to light.
Don’t feel sorry for me. I’ve started the best relationship of my life with a man who has been a true friend since we were teenagers. It’s wild but true when people say that being friends first makes for a great relationship.
Good luck.
April 23rd, 2008 at 7:17 am
Hey Renee,
I can tell you exactly what to say not that it will make a difference because the outcome will be that your friendship slowly will be over with her.
I have been in this situation twice and twice I was good friends with both couples and it was something that came up in conversation with all of us that if one was cheating on the other and I found out or someone knew would they want to know? well I myself said that if I knew of someone cheating I would tell the other person because I would want someone to tell me …
I took the person aside, in the first situation it was the wife I spoke to who was my neighbor and my good friend and I told her what I knew and the bottom line was that she was happy I told her and eventually divorced but our friendship was never the same, we were never really close anymore. I think that even though I don’t have her as a good friend anymore that my concious is clean and that I did the right thing.
the second instance was a very good girlfriend of mine and she had been caught cheating on her husband before so at some point when my b/f and I were out with them it came up and right in front of him she even agreed that if i ever knew of her cheating and he asked that I should tell the truth…well, eventually she did cheat and when she was first telling me I warned her to stop or I would tell her husband, well she continued telling me all her dirty details so at first I just didn’t hang around with them as much but her husband eventually asked and I told him something was going on and it was up to him to dig further…needless to say they divorced and I don’t speak to either one.
It’s a tough spot to be in but I always think of what if it was me that was being cheated on what would I want my best friend to do if they found out.
You’ve heard the saying Don’t Shoot the Messenger well that’s the way it happens anyway the bearer of bad news is never looked at in a nice way…but if you don’t tell and years from now she finds out she will definitely hate you and not trust you.
April 22nd, 2008 at 7:16 pm
Thanks, Beth… You know, I have really been worried about the #2 & #3 issues that you bring up. It’s soooo difficult! On one hand, you’d like to prevent a disastrous mistake. On the other hand, my friend TRUSTS her fiance. After all, in her mind, she wouldn’t be getting married if she didn’t. And, that’s the way it should be. Unfortunately, I have seen proof of his infidelity. I just wish it was a one time thing, over a long time ago. Or, even just OVER, but he is still seeing his ex.
Thank you to all who have replied.
Does anyone have any suggestions as to HOW to tell her, if I decide to go this way. I am still struggling with the decision….
April 22nd, 2008 at 1:57 pm
Renee,
This a very tough situation. Just remember…if you do tell your friend about her less than faithful fiance, and they still go through with the wedding, you will always the one who narked on him. Additionally she may not #1 care that he did it, #2 believe that he did it, or #3 she already knew and now you are bringing this all up just before the happiest day of her life. I have actually seen the number 2 scenario and it ruined the friendship between the bride and maid of honor. Again, very tough situation. Hard decision. Just giving you some things to think about. Good Luck!
April 22nd, 2008 at 9:18 am
Wow Renee,
I feel for you. It is a horrible situation to be in. Will your girlfriend believe you if you do tell her? I would want to know. I am planning my wedding and showed this to my fiance this morning. He of course took the guy’s side (something about getting it out of his system) which led to a heated argument before work, but enough about me. Do you know the so-called ex girlfriend? Is there any way that you could get in contact with her and maybe plan a set-up to have him caught in the act? That way you wouldn’t be the bad guy and she would have to face the truth and make the decision for herself. My sister went through a similar situation and she went ahead and married the guy. Needless to say, he cheated during the marriage. I told her it was because she gave him a green light to cheat on her at any given time. She wanted to believe he would change but of course he didn’t. A man in his 30s is who he’s gonna be; he’s not gonna change. If you can’t set up a sting operation to catch him in the act then go ahead and tell your girlfriend. Good luck!!
P.S. If she goes through with the wedding either way, a good gift would be a shoulder to cry on when he cheats again. Remember not to tell her you told her so. She’ll feel bad enough.
Wishing you and your girlfriend the best!!!
April 22nd, 2008 at 1:26 am
Hello, Renee
That man should be ashamed of his self… But men will be men especially those who have something good and are too blind to see it… I hope all works out for your friend.. Maybe as a gift you should by her a lie detector test or maybe take her to prove that he is cheating on her…. That would be something that she would never forget! You being a good friend~! Chasity
I think that you should be a friend to her and let her know… I know that if my bestfriend knew of my soon to be husband in 3 months! was cheating on me and didn’t tell me it would crush me! Not only would she let me make a huge mistake like that, but I would feel as though she didn’t care nor have enough respect for me to share this. Marriage is something that is sacred and you shouldn’t want your friend to waste that precious once in a life time moment on someone who isn’t fully commited to her… I feel sorry for her…Tell her and save her from the biggest mistake of her life… There is someone out there and every door closed opens up more wonderful possibilites!