For some brides, the wedding shower amounts to a real privilege. Although it’s certainly not the case for everyone, many a bride eagerly looks forward to the time when her friends and family gather to shower her with warm wishes, attention and presents in advance of the big day.
We’ll probably never know the exact story behind the bridal shower, but one that everyone likes to tell involves a poor Dutch girl who came up against the dowry system. Since the object of her affections (a poor miller) didn’t please her father, her father refused to cough up the requisite dowry, effectively scotching the marriage.
Of course, the surrounding townsfolk knew a good story when they saw it. One by one, they gathered useful household items, enough to support a new household. But even this wasn’t romantic enough, so the entire town kept the whole thing a secret until they were able to throw a giant gift-giving party for the lucky bride.
We humans love our independence, and the practice stuck. Yes, bridal showers have endured, even though times have changed substantially, with today’s bride likely to be older, more established, and quite possibly possessing everything she needs to run a household already, thank you very much. And yet, the practice of throwing a shower is still dear to the hearts of many brides, not to mention their closest friends and kin.
Still, as popular as they remain, it’s important to follow some etiquette rules. For starters, no one wants to think of the bride as being greedy, least of all the bride herself. Yet her friends can unwittingly put her in this uncomfortable position if they don’t coordinate with each other and end up throwing too many showers.
One of today’s most frequent questions concerning showers is, “can you have more than one?” Traditionally the answer was no, but the answer is changing.
Some Helpful Rules to Go By
Brides: since your bridesmaids and maid of honor are probably hosting the shower, make sure they can access your address book and guest list, so they know who to invite and how to contact them.
Also, remember that it’s your wedding party who’s footing the bill here, so the size of your shower may depend on their budget. On one end of the spectrum, you might have a very intimate little gathering involving only your closest friends and family; on the other, you might encounter almost every female guest who was invited to your wedding. It’s up to them.
Since there’s a method to the madness called the bridal shower, namely the giving and getting of household gifts, it’s imperative that you, the bride, ensure that your friends and family don’t go crazy hosting a bunch of disconnected showers. While everyone involved just wants to honor you, and your mom probably wants to make sure you never have to go without an egg slicer or a pizza stone, these parties do involve gifts, and having too many of them can make you look greedy.
Two exceptions that are gaining ground are the office shower and the out-of-town shower.
With the office shower, many of your colleagues probably aren’t invited to the actual wedding, since they’re probably more acquaintances than bosom buddies. Still, in many cases the office will want to throw you a party and be part of that day. This is an acceptable add-on to your “primary” shower.
The other exception, the out-of-town shower, is sometimes held by friends and family that can’t attend your bridal shower personally. This comes up with brides that live elsewhere but are “coming home” to marry and have many school friends and close relations in their hometown. In this case, you wouldn’t attend the bridal shower, but the hostess would gather the presents and bring them to your reception.
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My daughter is getting married in May. Friends are giving her a Bridal Shower in late March, her big shower. A friend from college wants to give her a Christmas shower, to get Christmas stuff, in early December. Here’s the problem. They are about the graduate college together. I said to invite friends from college and possibly close friends to the Christmas shower and then not invite those same people to the big one, leave it for family, co-workers and family friends. This was meant to be considerate and not be greedy. This college friend has pitched a fit and says you should invite everyone to every shower. ??? This just sounds rude to me. What do you say?
Dana,
It is in good manners not to invite the same guests to every shower. The reason is guests will feel the need to buy more than one gift and it will be hard for some. So you are right about dividing the guest list. It is proper etiquette!!
So, without consulting me, my future mother-in-law sent out invitations for my bridal shower to all the women on the groom’s side of the family. I just found out the date and time of the event from my fiance. My mom works and can’t even make it until 6 hours after it starts. ALSO, she is saying that one of my aunts is supposed to throw one for the women on my side of the family… I haven’t told my mom yet, but she is going to be really upset. I really don’t think that my family is expecting to have to do this as well. What am I supposed to do?!?
tara,
having multiple showers is fine. it is very common for both sides of the family to throw a shower. i would proceed as planned for the grooms side. since a host sets the date and time according to the party they choose to plan. if your mom can make it to the grooms shower it would be nice but if she cant then she will have fun at your side of the familys shower. just be sure that the grooms mom and grandmother is on your guest list. your bm and moh should be planning your shower. (with showers being a optional party). everyone else has already celebrated on his side and usually you dont invite the same guests to 2 showers( except for the mom and grandmother;nice thing to do) have fun and btw congrats!!
My daughter is out of the country and will most likely get married there. Is it ok to have a shower when she is in town even if it is months before the wedding?
pam,
yes under the circumstances it will be fine. have a wonderful shower!!
If you send a gift to a bride but are unable to attend her shower, are you entitled to a favor from the event?
M,
you get a favor when you attend, since they are at the venue.
GUESTS (those who attend the shower) are given
small thank you gifts. No one is ever “entitled” to a gift . . . they are given as tokens of love or thanks.
IF you receive a gift from someone who couldn’t attend, a photo of you with the gift (or if you were
given money, a photo of you at the shower) can
be enclosed with your thank you card, however,
as a classy “thank you”.
Is it proper for a mother-in-law to host a wedding shower for her daughter-in-law to be?
bonnie,
etiquette says no but so many family members are throwing bridal showers. all i have ever known about bridal shower hosts here in the south is family members. so i say go for it. what a thoughtful mother in law you are!! happy planning!!
I just threw a bridal shower for my daughter-in-law to be, because her bridesmaids did not take into account guests from my side of the family. Kind of bothered me that my son’s family members and friends were not invited, but I was more than happy to throw the shower. I did an old fashioned style shower for 35 people and catered it myself and held it at a cute little women’s club house. It was absolutely wonderful and the bride to be was so blessed.
Generally speaking, family members aren’t supposed to
hold showers for the bride. However, you could join
with others to co-host a shower, offer your home for
the event, or if no one else can afford to throw a shower . . . assist financially. I know I helped host
a shower for my niece last year, her future mother-in-law came in from 200+ miles away for the party,
but the grooms step-sister and cousins didn’t make it.
So the MILaw threw a lunch for the bride and invited
6 or 7 people, and they got gifts for her and presented them to her at the lunch.
I’m standing in my cousin’s wedding this summer which is out of town. she has had one wedding shower (out of town) and is now having 2 stag and doe’s both out of town.I agreed to throw her a bachelorette (at my expense), before I knew about the three other parties. As well, the wedding is on a saturday with the rehersal two days prior. meaning hotel for three nights. I am no longer interested in hosting the bachelorette and would like advice as to what to do
taatum,
i would just say finances didnt permit as planned or have a change of plans and take the bridal party and/or just the bride for a day outing for lunch and pedicures. you can always do something very thoughtful that isnt so expensive. another option, is invite all the bridal party to a great coffee shop and just talk, laugh , and relax. or have dessert and coffee at your house. say with so many wonderful parties going on, you decided that a relaxed day would be super fitting and it would really give you all a chance to have some girl time in a quieter setting. having just them over for drinks would work too, throw a fab meal together, and watch a movie( if everyone likes that).
but if you do choose to opt out all together, just say finances wont permit or since there is already a bachorlette party planned it would feel strange having 2, cause one is tradition.
i do hope you think about the lunch outing or just the girls. i think you would have fun doing that and it would give the bride a day to relax without thinking about just the wedding or all the wedding activities( which can be exhausting), do something a little different.( actually this could be a reason too, say she has a whirlwind of parties and the wedding, and you are thinking something with her and just the bm, relaxing. each bm can pay for their own meal, you can choose to pay for the bride. hope this helps!!
I am a bridesmaid in a big wedding. It seems the wedding stuff is getting way out of hand. First there was the engagement party, which I thought was a great way to get the celebrating started (gift I was happy to give). Now there is a bridal shower (to which I looked forward to partcipating in hosting) that the bridesmaids, MOH and MOB are hosting. It is large (70 people) and we hosting are sharing the expense. I’ve spent a lot of money on the shower because I wanted to show my support, but now I just received an invitation to a couples shower requesting gift cards for our local home store to buy them home improvement items for their second house (gift #3). Yes, I said second house as they are young professionals are stepping up to a new house. I didn’t know about this couples shower until the invitation arrived. Where does it end? I love them dearly, but how do I politely draw the line with the gifts? I expected the expense of the shower, 2 gifts and a gown when I signed on but never dreamed I would be giving four gifts. Help!
mattie,
you are only required to give one gift. more than that is optional. i would just attend and celebrate the day.
*You Asked: Do I Have to Buy a Gift For Every Party?
*Bridal Shower Etiquette
One shower gift is plenty, if you still feel you have to
give something, get together with the other maids and
make a certificate on the computer that says:
To: The Bride and Groom
From: Lucy, Ethel, Wilma and Betty
A gift of 4 hours of time, on an afternoon to be agreed upon, to help with moving, painting or any other
work around your new house (that we are actually qualified to do!) We’ll bring the wine, and do the time!
Or something similar . . . you’d probably end up helping out anyway, but this way you can give it as a “gift”.
My dad is in the military serving overseas. I am planning on being married next June, but there is a possibility he will be back in December for a week. Would it be ok to have a shower at the end of this August in case he is home sooner rather than later? I would leave the gifts with my mother to keep from the temptation of using them
. I will be at school and won’t be able to come home for a shower before he would be home. I don’twant to seem greedy when I ask my MOH to do that instead of waiting until next year if I might already be married. Would this be totally out of the realm of etiqutte or can I get away with being a little over-prepared? 
stachel,
if this suits your timeframe best then i would do whatever was available. there is absolutely nothing wrong with planning/having a bridal shower when it is easier.so many brides are bending the rules and doing what feels right for them. long ago, there was proper rules but not when one should hold a bridal shower etc. i say do what feels right for you and go for it!! i wish you all the best!!
Yes, considering your Dad’s situation.
My fiance and I have been engaged for 13 months and one several occassions I have called or email sometime both to ask my MOH to help with picking out the dresses, the cake, the venue etc. We are down to less then 3 months from the wedding and she hasn’t helped we a single detail. One of my bridesmaid has actually done the all these things with me in her place. My MOH texted me a about a month ago asking if I want her to throw me a shower and if so how I wanted her to do it? I found that kind of hurtful. Since then I have heard nothing and everyone has been asking if I am going to have one. My bordesmaid wants to step in and host it and throw it at my home. Is this wrong? How do I tell the MOH if this is what we decide to do?
Terri,
This EXACT situation happened to me. However, my MOH wanted it at my house and told me I could only invite the 3 other bridesmaids, which two of them couldn’t come. I simply did not want 3 of us to be sitting at my own house all night when I would feel like I was the host myself (due to it being at my own home). I canceled it. If your MOH isn’t stepping up, there is nothing wrong with allowing your bridesmaid to throw you a shower. She is very thoughtful to do so. Do not allow your MOH to prevent you from having your one and only shower!! When/if she brings it up again, simply say, “Thank you so much, but “so and so” has offered to throw me one.”
I woud actually ask my MOH to step down! and ask my bridesmaid. Seem the MOH cannot fill the shoes
terri,
stacey made some great points, if moh isnt stepping up then give the thumbs up for someone else too.
Question….my husband is in a wedding this summer. All of the groomsmen and wives are throwing the bride and groom a couples shower. However, the bride and groom have invited us to two more showers. The bachelor party is also this summer, and the wedding is a few ours out of town (not just for us, but for the bride and groom–mini destination), therefore we will also be paying for accomodations and travel expeses. I find this in poor taste that the bride and groom have invited us to two showers, knowing we are throwing them one and paying for all the other wedding expenses. (By the way, this couple didn’t even get us a wedding gift) So, my question is, what is the proper thing to do in our situation? Go and fork up the money for two more gifts, or politely decline (knowing the groom will be upset)? One more thing…in between all of these shower the bride is throwing the groom a surprise birthday party, but is charging people for the food… Any other words of wisdom? Thanks!
Stacey,
even though you are invited to all the activities, you are not required to buy more than 1 gift. however, you can decide on an amount and split it up into smaller gifts. it is getting more common that several bridal showers are thrown and i understand the expense it can bring. old rule of thumb is usually a different guest list per shower; remember attending is optional but just think of the fun you may have and i am sure, from the way it sounds and your presence is the gift.
Stacey is right. You are only “obligated” to purchase one gift. I personally think the trend has moved disturbingly towards more parties and the like, and less emphasis on the marriage itself. If we spent as much investment and time on the marriage as we do on the wedding, there would be fewer divorces. And I’ll stop there. :)
Do what you can, and don’t force yourself - or your finances - to do more than that. And don’t feel badly about what you cannot do. I’ve known too many people who have driven themselves, their job, their finances, those close to them, half crazy trying to meet poorly-communicated expectations of others. Do what you can and enjoy yourself. And that’s enough. Best wishes to you.
For the co-ed shower, the groomsmen are hosting. . .
that COULD be considered a gift in itself. They
could also chip in and buy one gift (How about a
dinner gift certificate to their favorite restaurant?).
As for the other showers, bring a bottle of wine for the
couple, and let that be that. Your husband participating in the wedding is gift enough.
I’ve never been to a bridal shower that has been put on by the MOH it is always put on by the brides mother or combined with the grooms mother. Because it can get expensive to put on a showr the MOH usually can’t afford to do it anyway. Is this wrong?
diane,
though etiquette dictates the the bridal party( moh and bm’s) host the shower; nowadays anyone including mob, mog, aunt, etc. so technically its not wrong either way. in the end its the same no matter who throws it, it is a thoughtful way to honor the bride. i love the group effort myself, that way no one person is putting out $$$ on their own. i love when people come together and honor someone. here in louisiana, we may have up to 10 hosts, i know that many hosts sounds crazy but everybody wants to pitch in what they can, whether its $$$, decor, or home style southern cooking and what does the bride walk away with? gifts and beautiful memories.
I am a divorced father of a 27 year old bride to be. My wife and sister want to host a small shower for our friends and family but it somehow got turned into “THE SHOWER” and my daughter is assuming that her Mom and her guests ( aunts, cousins and friends) are going to be invited which wasn’t really the plan. We figured that they would certainly have a shower for her themselves. We are all friendly but not buddy-buddy…and don’t want to cause any problems with my volitile x-wife. FYI…money is not the issue although it will end up costing more. I also do not want to hurt my daughters feelings or cause any grief between her and her Mom. Any ideas? Thanks
father of the bride,
i understand how showers can become “bigger”! smile. i would talk to my daughter and let her know gently that you were planning a smaller shower ( after you find out if there will be any other showers). since you are the host you prepare the guest list. after talking to your daughter i am hoping she will understand. it is wonderful that you are all friendly it sure does make it easier yet in the same sense in one space might also be a bit awkward for several. if there is no way around it and it means the world to your daughter then why not have a simple afternoon shower and then have a private bbq or small family party planned for another day for her and her future hubby. what a great way to unwind. i am betting that it will be all smiles even if you plan a bigger shower. if there is anyone you can ask on the mothers side, are they planning on hosting a shower ( this way you will know what to do). i wish you the best!!
Hi My daughter is going out of state to visit her future in laws while she is there they are having a bridal shower for her… I recieved an invitation to this shower should I attend… We are having a shower for her also but not until a closer date to the wedding… Beth
beth,
usually the mothers attend the showers. it would be extremely thoughtful to do so. if travel plans are difficult at this time then of course, it is not a must. i would try to go, sounds like it might be fun!
My bride is having two bridal showers thrown one by her mom and one her mother in law. I am her maid of honor and don’t know if I should throw her a party. All of the bridesmaids are in college and we don’t have a lot of money to spare and we will be going to one of the other bridal showers and buying a gift for it. Am I’m obligated to throw her a third bridal shower?
kristen, not at all. unless you just choose too!
I am the grooms mother. I was planning a lunch for 50 people for a bridal shower. The wedding was called off by the groom. I can’t depend on the bride to inform everyone.
Do I send a card to everyone I sent out the invitations with my name and e-mail. Also what do I say?
Need help fast
cheryl,
i am sorry to hear about this.
*Canceling Your Wedding . . . What to Do and How to Protect Yourself
here are some more links tohelp…
*You’ve Decided to Cancel the Wedding; Now What?
same rules apply for the bridal shower. call the venue immediately, cancel other vendors. contact guests via phone, email, or note. phone being the fastest, it is best( i think) to talk to the person cause they may not check email etc. beforehand. if this is not possible then a email ot a simple note stating the bridal shower and wedding is cancelled will be suffucient. you don’t need to offer any explanations, though there will be questions from many. wishing you all the best.
Is it proper to host a shower just 2 weeks in advance of the weeing? The bride lives out of town and won’t be back here for the wedding until 2 weeks before?
marlene, it is usually a month or 2 ahead of the wedding. Due to the circumstances it will be completely fine. enjoy the planning!!
Hi. is it in poor taste to have a surprise bridal shower?
katherine, absolutely not!! go for it!! surprise bridal showers have been kinda popular!!
for more just google search: surprise bridal shower ( you’ll get loads of info!!)
have fun!!
Can you have a shower for someone who is planning on getting married at City Hall?
ann,
unfortunately etiquette says no. it is rude to invite them to a bridal shower and not the wedding. etiquette says it looks like the couple are wanting gifts then. i think etiquette is forming new rules, there is so much i read and see in weddings that doesnt conform to etiquette. couples are doing things their way. this is one that i wouldnt rock the boat unless it is a surprise party coed style. it doesnt have to be fancy. however, if someone INSISTS and throw it anyway that the bride dont know about, then that is different. a co-ed surprise shower would be a great idea then. keep the guest list very small. immediate family and friends. are they having a reception? or just a dinner for 2? if so, this would be a good, cause if finances dont permit them to throw a reception, this would still be a great way to celebrate. dont worry if its a preparty, it would be a relaxing thing to do before the big day. plus it would “feel” like reception. a bbq would be a nice thing to do. and if you watch prices you can rack up food to feed a small guest list reasonably. or a hoagie and chips, with water, sodas, cupcakes. hoagies can come from subway (Their party sub) which is pretty reasonable. potato salad can be whipped up. buy bags of rolls, just keep it simple. let the cake be the dessert. it would be super fun and getting people in on it as a way to celebrate would be great. i just think you wouldnt have a problem finding people to help plan. it would be fun for them. youd be surprised how people get a thrill of planning a surprise party.do they like get togethers? another fab idea is the honeymoon shower ( you buy things for the couple for where they are going, that can be the theme too. like the tropics( orientaltrading.com ) is the source for cheap party decor.
i hope this helps, and i didnt go overboard. i just wanted to share limitless ideas to do!!
*Bridal Shower Theme: The Honeymoon
*Consider It - A Co-Ed Bridal Shower
*coed bridal shower
*Bridal Shower Themes
thanks. your info is very helpful.
unfortunately my bride has alot of family issues and that is her reason for getting married in city hall. as a close friend, and someone who just got married i don’t think she should be deprived the benefit of being and feeling like a bride.
Thanks again,
ann, i completely understand the circumstances. absolutely have a bridal shower. i wish her the happiest wedding day and a beautiful marriage.
leemarie,
i have never heard the first shower is more sentimental. i researched it and found no truth. though it may be more sentimental to her, cause it is HER family. technically, the bride isnt suppose to be involved in any of the planning and whoever is hosting has the right to decide the shower, since it is a thoughtful thing(not a requirement) to do this. i would soothe her and tell her that its not about the showers or the things but the true meaning of why the showers are being held; in honor of two people vowing their love together and long after the showers, wedding and honeymoon is over. at the end of the day its about the marriage. i hope this helps, if you need any xtra advice please post back!!
My sister is getting married and there are 6 bridesmaids plus my daughter(11yrs. old) is a jr bridesmaid. Should the bridal shower be divided by 6 or 7?
amy, it is divided by 6. she is between the ages 9-14 which is too old for a flowergirl and too young to be a full role bm. she should not be pay a part for the bridal shower but she should plan to attend the bridal shower, help clean up, make favors etc. here is a great link…
*Does a junior bridesmaid have to help pay for the bridal shower? I…