For some brides, the wedding shower amounts to a real privilege. Although it’s certainly not the case for everyone, many a bride eagerly looks forward to the time when her friends and family gather to shower her with warm wishes, attention and presents in advance of the big day.
We’ll probably never know the exact story behind the bridal shower, but one that everyone likes to tell involves a poor Dutch girl who came up against the dowry system. Since the object of her affections (a poor miller) didn’t please her father, her father refused to cough up the requisite dowry, effectively scotching the marriage.
Of course, the surrounding townsfolk knew a good story when they saw it. One by one, they gathered useful household items, enough to support a new household. But even this wasn’t romantic enough, so the entire town kept the whole thing a secret until they were able to throw a giant gift-giving party for the lucky bride.
We humans love our independence, and the practice stuck. Yes, bridal showers have endured, even though times have changed substantially, with today’s bride likely to be older, more established, and quite possibly possessing everything she needs to run a household already, thank you very much. And yet, the practice of throwing a shower is still dear to the hearts of many brides, not to mention their closest friends and kin.
Still, as popular as they remain, it’s important to follow some etiquette rules. For starters, no one wants to think of the bride as being greedy, least of all the bride herself. Yet her friends can unwittingly put her in this uncomfortable position if they don’t coordinate with each other and end up throwing too many showers.
One of today’s most frequent questions concerning showers is, “can you have more than one?” Traditionally the answer was no, but the answer is changing.
Some Helpful Rules to Go By
Brides: since your bridesmaids and maid of honor are probably hosting the shower, make sure they can access your address book and guest list, so they know who to invite and how to contact them.
Also, remember that it’s your wedding party who’s footing the bill here, so the size of your shower may depend on their budget. On one end of the spectrum, you might have a very intimate little gathering involving only your closest friends and family; on the other, you might encounter almost every female guest who was invited to your wedding. It’s up to them.
Since there’s a method to the madness called the bridal shower, namely the giving and getting of household gifts, it’s imperative that you, the bride, ensure that your friends and family don’t go crazy hosting a bunch of disconnected showers. While everyone involved just wants to honor you, and your mom probably wants to make sure you never have to go without an egg slicer or a pizza stone, these parties do involve gifts, and having too many of them can make you look greedy.
Two exceptions that are gaining ground are the office shower and the out-of-town shower.
With the office shower, many of your colleagues probably aren’t invited to the actual wedding, since they’re probably more acquaintances than bosom buddies. Still, in many cases the office will want to throw you a party and be part of that day. This is an acceptable add-on to your “primary” shower.
The other exception, the out-of-town shower, is sometimes held by friends and family that can’t attend your bridal shower personally. This comes up with brides that live elsewhere but are “coming home” to marry and have many school friends and close relations in their hometown. In this case, you wouldn’t attend the bridal shower, but the hostess would gather the presents and bring them to your reception.
My daughter is getting married in May. Friends are giving her a Bridal Shower in late March, her big shower. A friend from college wants to give her a Christmas shower, to get Christmas stuff, in early December. Here’s the problem. They are about the graduate college together. I said to invite friends from college and possibly close friends to the Christmas shower and then not invite those same people to the big one, leave it for family, co-workers and family friends. This was meant to be considerate and not be greedy. This college friend has pitched a fit and says you should invite everyone to every shower. ??? This just sounds rude to me. What do you say?
Dana,
It is in good manners not to invite the same guests to every shower. The reason is guests will feel the need to buy more than one gift and it will be hard for some. So you are right about dividing the guest list. It is proper etiquette!!
So, without consulting me, my future mother-in-law sent out invitations for my bridal shower to all the women on the groom’s side of the family. I just found out the date and time of the event from my fiance. My mom works and can’t even make it until 6 hours after it starts. ALSO, she is saying that one of my aunts is supposed to throw one for the women on my side of the family… I haven’t told my mom yet, but she is going to be really upset. I really don’t think that my family is expecting to have to do this as well. What am I supposed to do?!?
tara,
having multiple showers is fine. it is very common for both sides of the family to throw a shower. i would proceed as planned for the grooms side. since a host sets the date and time according to the party they choose to plan. if your mom can make it to the grooms shower it would be nice but if she cant then she will have fun at your side of the familys shower. just be sure that the grooms mom and grandmother is on your guest list. your bm and moh should be planning your shower. (with showers being a optional party). everyone else has already celebrated on his side and usually you dont invite the same guests to 2 showers( except for the mom and grandmother;nice thing to do) have fun and btw congrats!!
My daughter is out of the country and will most likely get married there. Is it ok to have a shower when she is in town even if it is months before the wedding?
pam,
yes under the circumstances it will be fine. have a wonderful shower!!
If you send a gift to a bride but are unable to attend her shower, are you entitled to a favor from the event?
M,
you get a favor when you attend, since they are at the venue.
GUESTS (those who attend the shower) are given
small thank you gifts. No one is ever “entitled” to a gift . . . they are given as tokens of love or thanks.
IF you receive a gift from someone who couldn’t attend, a photo of you with the gift (or if you were
given money, a photo of you at the shower) can
be enclosed with your thank you card, however,
as a classy “thank you”.
Is it proper for a mother-in-law to host a wedding shower for her daughter-in-law to be?
bonnie,
etiquette says no but so many family members are throwing bridal showers. all i have ever known about bridal shower hosts here in the south is family members. so i say go for it. what a thoughtful mother in law you are!! happy planning!!
I just threw a bridal shower for my daughter-in-law to be, because her bridesmaids did not take into account guests from my side of the family. Kind of bothered me that my son’s family members and friends were not invited, but I was more than happy to throw the shower. I did an old fashioned style shower for 35 people and catered it myself and held it at a cute little women’s club house. It was absolutely wonderful and the bride to be was so blessed.
Generally speaking, family members aren’t supposed to
hold showers for the bride. However, you could join
with others to co-host a shower, offer your home for
the event, or if no one else can afford to throw a shower . . . assist financially. I know I helped host
a shower for my niece last year, her future mother-in-law came in from 200+ miles away for the party,
but the grooms step-sister and cousins didn’t make it.
So the MILaw threw a lunch for the bride and invited
6 or 7 people, and they got gifts for her and presented them to her at the lunch.
I’m standing in my cousin’s wedding this summer which is out of town. she has had one wedding shower (out of town) and is now having 2 stag and doe’s both out of town.I agreed to throw her a bachelorette (at my expense), before I knew about the three other parties. As well, the wedding is on a saturday with the rehersal two days prior. meaning hotel for three nights. I am no longer interested in hosting the bachelorette and would like advice as to what to do
taatum,
i would just say finances didnt permit as planned or have a change of plans and take the bridal party and/or just the bride for a day outing for lunch and pedicures. you can always do something very thoughtful that isnt so expensive. another option, is invite all the bridal party to a great coffee shop and just talk, laugh , and relax. or have dessert and coffee at your house. say with so many wonderful parties going on, you decided that a relaxed day would be super fitting and it would really give you all a chance to have some girl time in a quieter setting. having just them over for drinks would work too, throw a fab meal together, and watch a movie( if everyone likes that).
but if you do choose to opt out all together, just say finances wont permit or since there is already a bachorlette party planned it would feel strange having 2, cause one is tradition.
i do hope you think about the lunch outing or just the girls. i think you would have fun doing that and it would give the bride a day to relax without thinking about just the wedding or all the wedding activities( which can be exhausting), do something a little different.( actually this could be a reason too, say she has a whirlwind of parties and the wedding, and you are thinking something with her and just the bm, relaxing. each bm can pay for their own meal, you can choose to pay for the bride. hope this helps!!
I am a bridesmaid in a big wedding. It seems the wedding stuff is getting way out of hand. First there was the engagement party, which I thought was a great way to get the celebrating started (gift I was happy to give). Now there is a bridal shower (to which I looked forward to partcipating in hosting) that the bridesmaids, MOH and MOB are hosting. It is large (70 people) and we hosting are sharing the expense. I’ve spent a lot of money on the shower because I wanted to show my support, but now I just received an invitation to a couples shower requesting gift cards for our local home store to buy them home improvement items for their second house (gift #3). Yes, I said second house as they are young professionals are stepping up to a new house. I didn’t know about this couples shower until the invitation arrived. Where does it end? I love them dearly, but how do I politely draw the line with the gifts? I expected the expense of the shower, 2 gifts and a gown when I signed on but never dreamed I would be giving four gifts. Help!
mattie,
you are only required to give one gift. more than that is optional. i would just attend and celebrate the day.
*You Asked: Do I Have to Buy a Gift For Every Party?
*Bridal Shower Etiquette
One shower gift is plenty, if you still feel you have to
give something, get together with the other maids and
make a certificate on the computer that says:
To: The Bride and Groom
From: Lucy, Ethel, Wilma and Betty
A gift of 4 hours of time, on an afternoon to be agreed upon, to help with moving, painting or any other
work around your new house (that we are actually qualified to do!) We’ll bring the wine, and do the time!
Or something similar . . . you’d probably end up helping out anyway, but this way you can give it as a “gift”.
My dad is in the military serving overseas. I am planning on being married next June, but there is a possibility he will be back in December for a week. Would it be ok to have a shower at the end of this August in case he is home sooner rather than later? I would leave the gifts with my mother to keep from the temptation of using them
. I will be at school and won’t be able to come home for a shower before he would be home. I don’twant to seem greedy when I ask my MOH to do that instead of waiting until next year if I might already be married. Would this be totally out of the realm of etiqutte or can I get away with being a little over-prepared? 
stachel,
if this suits your timeframe best then i would do whatever was available. there is absolutely nothing wrong with planning/having a bridal shower when it is easier.so many brides are bending the rules and doing what feels right for them. long ago, there was proper rules but not when one should hold a bridal shower etc. i say do what feels right for you and go for it!! i wish you all the best!!
Yes, considering your Dad’s situation.
My fiance and I have been engaged for 13 months and one several occassions I have called or email sometime both to ask my MOH to help with picking out the dresses, the cake, the venue etc. We are down to less then 3 months from the wedding and she hasn’t helped we a single detail. One of my bridesmaid has actually done the all these things with me in her place. My MOH texted me a about a month ago asking if I want her to throw me a shower and if so how I wanted her to do it? I found that kind of hurtful. Since then I have heard nothing and everyone has been asking if I am going to have one. My bordesmaid wants to step in and host it and throw it at my home. Is this wrong? How do I tell the MOH if this is what we decide to do?
Terri,
This EXACT situation happened to me. However, my MOH wanted it at my house and told me I could only invite the 3 other bridesmaids, which two of them couldn’t come. I simply did not want 3 of us to be sitting at my own house all night when I would feel like I was the host myself (due to it being at my own home). I canceled it. If your MOH isn’t stepping up, there is nothing wrong with allowing your bridesmaid to throw you a shower. She is very thoughtful to do so. Do not allow your MOH to prevent you from having your one and only shower!! When/if she brings it up again, simply say, “Thank you so much, but “so and so” has offered to throw me one.”
I woud actually ask my MOH to step down! and ask my bridesmaid. Seem the MOH cannot fill the shoes
terri,
stacey made some great points, if moh isnt stepping up then give the thumbs up for someone else too.
Question….my husband is in a wedding this summer. All of the groomsmen and wives are throwing the bride and groom a couples shower. However, the bride and groom have invited us to two more showers. The bachelor party is also this summer, and the wedding is a few ours out of town (not just for us, but for the bride and groom–mini destination), therefore we will also be paying for accomodations and travel expeses. I find this in poor taste that the bride and groom have invited us to two showers, knowing we are throwing them one and paying for all the other wedding expenses. (By the way, this couple didn’t even get us a wedding gift) So, my question is, what is the proper thing to do in our situation? Go and fork up the money for two more gifts, or politely decline (knowing the groom will be upset)? One more thing…in between all of these shower the bride is throwing the groom a surprise birthday party, but is charging people for the food… Any other words of wisdom? Thanks!
Stacey,
even though you are invited to all the activities, you are not required to buy more than 1 gift. however, you can decide on an amount and split it up into smaller gifts. it is getting more common that several bridal showers are thrown and i understand the expense it can bring. old rule of thumb is usually a different guest list per shower; remember attending is optional but just think of the fun you may have and i am sure, from the way it sounds and your presence is the gift.
Stacey is right. You are only “obligated” to purchase one gift. I personally think the trend has moved disturbingly towards more parties and the like, and less emphasis on the marriage itself. If we spent as much investment and time on the marriage as we do on the wedding, there would be fewer divorces. And I’ll stop there. :)
Do what you can, and don’t force yourself - or your finances - to do more than that. And don’t feel badly about what you cannot do. I’ve known too many people who have driven themselves, their job, their finances, those close to them, half crazy trying to meet poorly-communicated expectations of others. Do what you can and enjoy yourself. And that’s enough. Best wishes to you.
For the co-ed shower, the groomsmen are hosting. . .
that COULD be considered a gift in itself. They
could also chip in and buy one gift (How about a
dinner gift certificate to their favorite restaurant?).
As for the other showers, bring a bottle of wine for the
couple, and let that be that. Your husband participating in the wedding is gift enough.
I’ve never been to a bridal shower that has been put on by the MOH it is always put on by the brides mother or combined with the grooms mother. Because it can get expensive to put on a showr the MOH usually can’t afford to do it anyway. Is this wrong?
diane,
though etiquette dictates the the bridal party( moh and bm’s) host the shower; nowadays anyone including mob, mog, aunt, etc. so technically its not wrong either way. in the end its the same no matter who throws it, it is a thoughtful way to honor the bride. i love the group effort myself, that way no one person is putting out $$$ on their own. i love when people come together and honor someone. here in louisiana, we may have up to 10 hosts, i know that many hosts sounds crazy but everybody wants to pitch in what they can, whether its $$$, decor, or home style southern cooking and what does the bride walk away with? gifts and beautiful memories.
I am a divorced father of a 27 year old bride to be. My wife and sister want to host a small shower for our friends and family but it somehow got turned into “THE SHOWER” and my daughter is assuming that her Mom and her guests ( aunts, cousins and friends) are going to be invited which wasn’t really the plan. We figured that they would certainly have a shower for her themselves. We are all friendly but not buddy-buddy…and don’t want to cause any problems with my volitile x-wife. FYI…money is not the issue although it will end up costing more. I also do not want to hurt my daughters feelings or cause any grief between her and her Mom. Any ideas? Thanks
father of the bride,
i understand how showers can become “bigger”! smile. i would talk to my daughter and let her know gently that you were planning a smaller shower ( after you find out if there will be any other showers). since you are the host you prepare the guest list. after talking to your daughter i am hoping she will understand. it is wonderful that you are all friendly it sure does make it easier yet in the same sense in one space might also be a bit awkward for several. if there is no way around it and it means the world to your daughter then why not have a simple afternoon shower and then have a private bbq or small family party planned for another day for her and her future hubby. what a great way to unwind. i am betting that it will be all smiles even if you plan a bigger shower. if there is anyone you can ask on the mothers side, are they planning on hosting a shower ( this way you will know what to do). i wish you the best!!
Hi My daughter is going out of state to visit her future in laws while she is there they are having a bridal shower for her… I recieved an invitation to this shower should I attend… We are having a shower for her also but not until a closer date to the wedding… Beth
beth,
usually the mothers attend the showers. it would be extremely thoughtful to do so. if travel plans are difficult at this time then of course, it is not a must. i would try to go, sounds like it might be fun!
My bride is having two bridal showers thrown one by her mom and one her mother in law. I am her maid of honor and don’t know if I should throw her a party. All of the bridesmaids are in college and we don’t have a lot of money to spare and we will be going to one of the other bridal showers and buying a gift for it. Am I’m obligated to throw her a third bridal shower?
kristen, not at all. unless you just choose too!
I am the grooms mother. I was planning a lunch for 50 people for a bridal shower. The wedding was called off by the groom. I can’t depend on the bride to inform everyone.
Do I send a card to everyone I sent out the invitations with my name and e-mail. Also what do I say?
Need help fast
cheryl,
i am sorry to hear about this.
*Canceling Your Wedding . . . What to Do and How to Protect Yourself
here are some more links tohelp…
*You’ve Decided to Cancel the Wedding; Now What?
same rules apply for the bridal shower. call the venue immediately, cancel other vendors. contact guests via phone, email, or note. phone being the fastest, it is best( i think) to talk to the person cause they may not check email etc. beforehand. if this is not possible then a email ot a simple note stating the bridal shower and wedding is cancelled will be suffucient. you don’t need to offer any explanations, though there will be questions from many. wishing you all the best.
Is it proper to host a shower just 2 weeks in advance of the weeing? The bride lives out of town and won’t be back here for the wedding until 2 weeks before?
marlene, it is usually a month or 2 ahead of the wedding. Due to the circumstances it will be completely fine. enjoy the planning!!
Hi. is it in poor taste to have a surprise bridal shower?
katherine, absolutely not!! go for it!! surprise bridal showers have been kinda popular!!
for more just google search: surprise bridal shower ( you’ll get loads of info!!)
have fun!!
Can you have a shower for someone who is planning on getting married at City Hall?
ann,
unfortunately etiquette says no. it is rude to invite them to a bridal shower and not the wedding. etiquette says it looks like the couple are wanting gifts then. i think etiquette is forming new rules, there is so much i read and see in weddings that doesnt conform to etiquette. couples are doing things their way. this is one that i wouldnt rock the boat unless it is a surprise party coed style. it doesnt have to be fancy. however, if someone INSISTS and throw it anyway that the bride dont know about, then that is different. a co-ed surprise shower would be a great idea then. keep the guest list very small. immediate family and friends. are they having a reception? or just a dinner for 2? if so, this would be a good, cause if finances dont permit them to throw a reception, this would still be a great way to celebrate. dont worry if its a preparty, it would be a relaxing thing to do before the big day. plus it would “feel” like reception. a bbq would be a nice thing to do. and if you watch prices you can rack up food to feed a small guest list reasonably. or a hoagie and chips, with water, sodas, cupcakes. hoagies can come from subway (Their party sub) which is pretty reasonable. potato salad can be whipped up. buy bags of rolls, just keep it simple. let the cake be the dessert. it would be super fun and getting people in on it as a way to celebrate would be great. i just think you wouldnt have a problem finding people to help plan. it would be fun for them. youd be surprised how people get a thrill of planning a surprise party.do they like get togethers? another fab idea is the honeymoon shower ( you buy things for the couple for where they are going, that can be the theme too. like the tropics( orientaltrading.com ) is the source for cheap party decor.
i hope this helps, and i didnt go overboard. i just wanted to share limitless ideas to do!!
*Bridal Shower Theme: The Honeymoon
*Consider It - A Co-Ed Bridal Shower
*coed bridal shower
*Bridal Shower Themes
thanks. your info is very helpful.
unfortunately my bride has alot of family issues and that is her reason for getting married in city hall. as a close friend, and someone who just got married i don’t think she should be deprived the benefit of being and feeling like a bride.
Thanks again,
ann, i completely understand the circumstances. absolutely have a bridal shower. i wish her the happiest wedding day and a beautiful marriage.
leemarie,
i have never heard the first shower is more sentimental. i researched it and found no truth. though it may be more sentimental to her, cause it is HER family. technically, the bride isnt suppose to be involved in any of the planning and whoever is hosting has the right to decide the shower, since it is a thoughtful thing(not a requirement) to do this. i would soothe her and tell her that its not about the showers or the things but the true meaning of why the showers are being held; in honor of two people vowing their love together and long after the showers, wedding and honeymoon is over. at the end of the day its about the marriage. i hope this helps, if you need any xtra advice please post back!!
My sister is getting married and there are 6 bridesmaids plus my daughter(11yrs. old) is a jr bridesmaid. Should the bridal shower be divided by 6 or 7?
amy, it is divided by 6. she is between the ages 9-14 which is too old for a flowergirl and too young to be a full role bm. she should not be pay a part for the bridal shower but she should plan to attend the bridal shower, help clean up, make favors etc. here is a great link…
*Does a junior bridesmaid have to help pay for the bridal shower? I…
I have a dilemma my niece is getting married and i am the maid of honor and the grooms granmother went and bought the favors for her bridal shower and me and my Mom were upset with that then we asked to at least help assemble them and were told that they have enough volunteers so basically we have nothing to do with it.I want to do our own set of favors and my mom said it wouls be tacky to give out 2 gifts at her shower.Please help!!!
sue, why not do the door prizes? or assemble some really nice edible centerpieces. i personally wouldnt give out 2 favors. but i think doing the door raffle is so fun!! we did that at one of my friends showers. but you can add something at each place setting or tie a special charm etc. around each glass or napkin. good luck!!
What does the bride’s mother do for the shower physically and monetarily- when the maid of honor and the grooms mother is attempting to exclude her from arrangements for the shower- even though the bridesmaids, who are all the brides sisters 2 of them don’t work ( they are in school) and the 3rd is a single parent ,doesn’t have any money to contribute. And this brides mother was requested by the bride to include the groom’s mother in the arrangements for the shower, since she doesn’t have any girls. FYI- Groom’s mother and maid of honor going over our budget ( my daughters and mine) with their ideas. Subtle hints have been given to both to tone it down. Didn’t work. Their comments are Bride deserves what they are deciding I want to keep peace also.
Lis, i hope i am understanding your dilemma and give the right advice.. it depends on each situation but the moh/bridesmaids is typically the one to throws the shower. i would accept all ideas graciously, even though it may be difficult. the bridal party is the host so they pay for the shower, if she doesnt have the $$ then whoever (gm) chips in has a right to be in the planning. delegating different parts of it to each host, if the grooms mother wants to help then let her. if it goes over the top then it will be their financial responsibility.(not the brides or brides mother).bridesmaids will need to speak up gently but firmly about their finances, and find a common ground with gm. she may pinch hit with the $$.
if they all are planning a big ticket shower then maybe they have the xtra funds to make that day special, but it shouldnt be included as a part of the wedding budget, its your bridal party throwing a special day in your honor. include your mom in the major part of the planning as stated below in links. ( you or your mother, you are not suppose to be hosts of your own shower) if the grooms mother is footing the bill and you dont mind then let her otherwise take her to lunch and tell her you appreciate all the help that she has done and the wonderful ideas she has presented but its becoming to much then start planning the wedding of YOUR dreams. i hope this helps and i wish you the best of luck!!
* Who typically hosts the bridal shower?
* Who should pay for the bridal shower???
* The Role of the Mother of the Groom - Are You Really Just Supposed to Show Up, Shut Up, and Wear Beige?
* What are the Mother of the Groom’s Responsibilities?
lis, 4got this one… its for the brides mother…
* What are the Mother of the Bride’s Responsibilities?
What you sent was helpful- I do mind the mother of the groom insinuating what my girls and I have to offer isn’t good enough for my daughter, in my house, and the maid of honor was obviously ok with that . I am also not ok with the mother of the groom paying for the bulk of the shower, with the maid of honor paying 1/4 of the bill. I have told the Maid of honor 2′Xs that also. I did not financially ask for her help- she and the maid of honor decided that that was what they were going to do . We were informed we could do the decorations. I told sisters ( my daughters, aka the bridesmaids) , to be helpful and I stepped out of the picture. I am aware my daughter ,the bride wants her future mother in law to be involved in everything , with the preperation of this wedding, since she the MOG doesn’t have any daughters. I’m just very hurt and angry.
This is all about my daughter, so to keep peace ……
lis, i am glad the advice was helpful. i was hoping it really would be. i completely understand your feelings and agree that her doing that is wrong. the links i provided may not have targeted the actual dilemma but i was hoping it may have some help for you. i agree that the maid of honor should pay her part, maybe i didnt fully understand the dilemma before. but i do think your feelings/ideas are important and noone should be insulting you or your daughters. i do wish you the best and i hope everything turns out okay.
can the mother of the groom and his sisters have a bridal shower?
Is it appropriate to include friends that hosted an engagment party for my daughter to a wedding shower for her?
Hello,
I have a bridal shower to go to and it’s a casual cookout and no theme. Is it okay to buy a gift off their registry and have it shipped to their house rather than bringing a gift to the shower? If so, should I bring a card to the shower?
Thank you for your time,
Jamie
How far out from the wedding should a bridal shower be given?
A month? Is two months too far in advance?
Thanks,
sandra
My daughter’s wedding is quickly approaching. A friend of mine wants to hold a shower for her however it will have to occur after the wedding. Is this appropriate or tacky?
I am the mother if the groom and am atttending two showers, should I have a gift for both? What are your thoughts
Thanks
Is it proper to show up at the bridal shower without a gift as a bridesmaid? I am under financial strain and would like to go to the shower but I just don’t have a gift at this time
HELP!!!
As a MOH, how do I explain to a bridesmaid that having a bridal shower the day before a wedding is not a good idea?
All the other bridesmaids agree, as well as the mother of the groom and the groom, that the shower can not be the day before the wedding (the bride only has a small, extended family of about 5 women on her side- of which are only distant cousins and sister in laws, so there is no one on her side really to ask for input)!
This bridesmaid however is refusing to understand that for the majority of people invovled the week/day before does not work, because in her eyes she MUST be at the shower because she is a bridesmaid. Since she lives out of state and she can’t make it up till 5 days before the wedding she thus wants the shower to be the week/day before. I have tried everything to make her understand, including talking about etiquette, expenses, etc, but she just wont listen to anything anyone has to say. I’m out of ideas of how to explain to her that it’s just not going to happen the day or week before the wedding.
I tried sugessting she have her own special day with the bride when she comes up for the wedding so they can have some bonding/special time, but she refuses and still insists she be at the shower. She has even already called the bride to complain!!!
Again, the week/day before does not work for the groom, the future mother in law and her family, and for 2 of the 3 bridesmiads including myself the MOH; yet this one person sill is demanding it be her way.
Any suggestions on how to tell her it just isn’t possible would be greatly appreciated.
We have to limit the number of guests invited to the wedding and want to invite friends of the brides mother to a “close friends and family” shower. These friends also know the bride but will not be invited to the wedding. Is this appropriate?
I would like to host an office shower for an employee so those who are not invited to the wedding may celebrate with her. However, there is not time before the wedding. Is this acceptable?
How much does the mother of the bride spend on her daughters wedding shower gift? She is only having one shower..I have no clue…the shower is tomorrow, help!
There is the trend to have more than one bridal shower. If you are invited to more than one shower, is the invitee expected to present a gift at each shower as well as a wedding gift?
i am invited to a bridal shower for one of my friends. she has been living with this guy now for over 8 years and they have 3 children together. do you get them anything. they have everything they need. and i really don’t want to go the shower.
HI, I HAVE A QUESTION. MY WEDDING IS IN OCT AND I LIVE IN WASHINGTON AND OUT WEDDING IS IN NEBRASKA. I WAS WONDERING IF THERE IS A WAY THAT I CAN ASK PEOPLE NOT TO BUY US GIFTS AND MAYBE JUST DO CASH OR GIFT CARDS? WE THINK THAT ALL THE GIFTS WILL BE HARD TO SEND BACK TO OUR HOME AND BE COSTLY. IS THERE A WAY TO DO IT BY WORD OF MOUTH OR SOMETHING SO WE DONT OFFEND ANYONE?
THANK YOU!
My sister eloped this week, are we suppose to still have a shower for her?
If you invite someone to the shower, it is proper to invite that person to the wedding for which the shower is being thrown. If you only invite someone to the shower, they feel they are being asked to the gift giving party and not to the joyous celebration.
Does everyone invited to the shower also get invited to the wedding if the wedding is out of town? I do not want people to feel they are required to buy/send 2 gifts. Thanks
Know that even though she is inviting 60, they won’t all show up. As a recent bride who had a large guest list, it was not about being a “gift-piggy”, but rather wanting to spend time with the women who were important to me in my life. If the list is 60 because she is inviting most women on her invite list, then it might be a good idea to re-evaluate the list. Inviting her cousins’ girlfriend is not necessary unless she is REALLY close with her…be sensitive to her if you are going to ask her to cut down her list. If you were planning on having a smaller shower–suggest that to her and say, I was planning on having a shower of about 20 people, do you think you could reduce your list to 30 or 40. also if there are people, other than the bridesmaids or immediate family that are going to be invited to another, maybe just invite them to one…
Remember all the bridesmaids get invited even though they may not come if they live out of town–so that can make the invite list go up, even though they will not attend.
hope this helps…
Um… So I’m the MoH for my best friends wedding and she wants SIXTY people at her bridal shower… Correct me if I’m wrong but doesn’t that look bad to invite 60 people when she a. only has 150 people invited to the wedding in the first place and b. plans to have two bridal showers as it is to have one couples shower for college friends and one girls-only shower more for family? Kinda screams gift-piggy to me… but I don’t know if I should tell her that.
Eek!
I just attented a shower of a very close friend of mine and we played games and i happened to “win” one of them and got a prize at the end of the shower my friend pulled me aside and told me that when you win something at a shower you are supposed to give it to the bride i have never heard of this before advise please
Kimberly, the answer to “when to have the bridal shower” is “when it makes sense for the bride.”
Typically this is between 6-8 weeks before the wedding, but that might be different for you. That period is traditional, with the idea being that it’s close enough to the wedding to be part of the fun, but not so close that it adds to your stress load for the main event.
OTOH, brides traveling to an out-of-town wedding often want the shower a LOT closer to the big day. For you it might be earlier.
Have it when it will be fun for you.
Rose –
You can’t (as a matter of etiquette) tell people on the invite how or where to buy gifts for a shower, unless you’re willing to go all-out and declare it a “money shower” or a “greenback shower,” which will probably offend some.
However, with an out-of-state bride, guests are likely to ask the hostess for direction. You can suggest they buy their gifts online and ship directly to the couple. Or, you can hold the gifts and present them at the wedding if it’s taking place locally later on.
Gift certificates are also getting more popular and occupy a gray area between “gifts” and “cash” that make them more acceptable to some people who dislike cash, so perhaps you could suggest those.
Either way, leave it off the invitation and spread the news via worth of mouth, when people ask.
Hi,
I’m having ALOT of trouble when it comes to showers and parties. People have been coming out of the wood works to throw me these. As of now I believe I have 12 more before my wedding in June. I have already had 3. Needless to say, I am running out of people to invite. I have heard that it is improper to ask the same person to an event where there are gifts twice. What do you suggest I do?
Caroline
Carol:
There’s no rule that says you have to send a gift to a bridal shower you aren’t attending — especially since you aren’t close to the bride and groom. That said, if you’re going to the wedding, or it’s a case where you’re close to the bride but just can’t make the shower, then you might want to send one … but don’t feel obligated.
Hi Susan,
typically the bridesmaids and close relatives (MOB and MOG) are invited to all showers.
It’s important that the bride communicate clearly to everyone that guests invited to multiple showers should NOT bring gifts to more than one.
OK. Val/Katrina, this my take.
There is no ‘proper etiquette’ answer to Katrina’s question. That’s because there are no etiquette guidelines for the bride who has shower after shower — that is not traditional. It also can cause a lot of mis-communications and hard feelings.
Katrina, according to tradition, you would attend ONE shower. The fact that you are attending more means you’re investing a significant amount of time, and probably money. Although everyone agrees that no one should have to buy more than one bridal shower gift, that leaves guests feeling awkward when they attend the second or third shower empty-handed.
You should NOT feel bad for missing one out of three showers, nor should you change up all your plans to make all three. Just explain politely to the bride that you have prior commitments that day, so she doesn’t worry that you’re somehow snubbing her. These events seem to bring out the insecurities in everyone.
What was the answer to Katrina’s email on Nov. 16, 2007?
I MISSED THE ANSWER TO LISSA 1/22/08-REGUARDING THE APPROPRIATE WAY TO WORD AN INVITAION WHEN THE BRIDE IS TRAVELING IN TO TOWN FOR THE SHOWER AND REQUEST THAT GIFTS BE SHIPPED DIRECTLY TO THE TOWN THEY RESIDE IN. PLEASE HELP.
Does the mother of the bride go to all the bridal showers? Thanks
What is the appropriate way to word an invitation when the bride is traveling in for a shower in her home town and requests that gifts be shipped or people contribute to a “money tree/bridal bank” in lieu of gifts?
My brother now lives in a different state. Him and his fiance are getting married in the other state and her bridal party is holding a shower out there. My brother has asked our family to hold a separate shower here in our home state. We don’t feel this is necessary and there will also be many relatives on our side of the family who will not be in the area at the time. Is is correct to have this 2nd shower?
I have a question - I was reading the “out of town” shower scenario - but I have a quandry - my daughter, who lives in GA, is getting married in GA, and is unable to travel as she has a small infant and work obligations - the wedding is in 10 weeks, very small, only family, but all coming from about 5 different states - there is no simple way to hold a shower in a location that works for anyone - is it impolite to do a “registry bridal shower” only? - similiar to a “tupperware book party” versus having an actual event?
I live in New Orleans and have been dealing with rebuilding. I have a friend who got married on July 7, 2007. The wedding was a little rushed since they liked the 7-7-7 date. I had hoped to have a shower before the wedding but we wanted to invite several people who were not invited to the wedding. They had the wedding in a very small chapel and had to monitor the number of guest closely. Things happened and we still haven’t had the shower. I am now thinking a 6 month anniversary theme party would be a great idea. What are your thoughts and ideas.
I was invited to a shower, don’t know the bride, know the groom. I can’t make it, should I send a gift??
I am the MOTG and can not attend the Shower given by the Bride’s Family. I have previous plans for that day. I will be attending two other showers, one given by our Church and the other by my family.
Is it okay to miss the shower given by her family or should I try and change my plans?
I have a Question I am having my wedding feb 16 and i have so much to that I just wanted to know that having my Bridal shower a few month early would be in bad taste i have six kids i have to get fittewd for this wedding and all the family and friends to get them on the ball this is just one thing i would just like to get out of the way and be able to focus the thing i need to get done everybody is so slow please give me you feed back on this thank you
kimberly
Hi Ann! Here’s my thoughts (but I welcome anyone else’s).
What you’re proposing is obviously not one of the ‘official’ pre-wedding parties, so it wouldn’t have established rules of etiquette like they do.
That said, I think it’s a very lovely and touching idea for you to honor the MOTG in this way. Now that weddings are primarily planned by the couples themselves without a lot of input from parents, the average MOTB probably plays a smaller role than she’d like — and the MOTG has never really gotten to put in more than a cautious two cents, if that.
This would not be a gifts party. The original purpose of the bridal shower was for friends (not relatives of any kind) to supply the bride with the necessities to live on, even if the groom she’d chosen wasn’t considered ’suitable’ by the parents and they’d withdrawn their support. Even today it’s considered important for the bride’s close friends (bridesmaids), NOT parents or other relatives or their friends, to host a gifts party.
However, it’s always best if this party or luncheon is one where guests do not have to pay their way. If that isn’t feasible and your guests are fine with going dutch, you can always celebrate at a restaurant, being sure to pay for the MOTG’s meal (of course!). And in lieu of gifts for the bride, if there’s some way to present the MOTG with something personal involving her son, such as a specially framed photograph of the couple, she’d probably be very pleased.
Finally, inviting the bride is a personal decision, but my feeling is that if the bride is present at the party, the festivities will naturally focus on her, and the MOTG may be shy about potentially taking away any of the limelight … which may not be what you intended.
My good friend’s son is getting married. I don’t know her son or daughter in law to be extremely well BUT I would like to have a luncheon for her (mother of the groom) - is that appropriate and if so, do I also invite the bride? What about gifts? Thank you!
Ann
Donna, about 4-6 weeks before the wedding is traditional.
But this is flexible. The idea behind 4-6 weeks is that it’s “not too close” to the wedding, so the bride won’t necessarily be too stressed by planning to enjoy the shower. Still, for some brides, this may actually be too close.
Another consideration is if you have out-of-town guests coming, or if the bride herself is out of town. In that case, just pick a date when everyone can be there.
how far ahead do you need to have the bridal shower
just want to know if it would be bad taste to have the bridal shower a few month before the wedding since there is so much going on a few weeks before the wedding and it just being something i want to get out of the way
Oldest daughter got married 18 months ago. Her 15 YO sister was her maid of honor. Shower thrown by bridesmaid. Younger daughter getting married now. Sister is maid of honor, two cousins who are very young live 3 hours away, sister not working/tiny house/financialy strapped and shower would have to be at mother of bride’s house. Groom’s aunt having shower. Bride mad at sister and her mom for not hosting. What should we have done?
:-? Is it acceptable for the mother of the bride to host a wedding shower? Does it matter that the bride-to-be & groom-to-be already have 2 kids & live together? They’re very young and it’s a 1st marriage for both. Please advise!
Is it appropriate for the groom to ask his mother to throw a shower for the bride when his side of the family is excluded from the shower already being thrown by the brides sister? What should she do?
My wedding was very quick and nice. We planned it in 4 days. My two friends helped. Obviously we could not invite alot of people. My friends would like to have a bridal shower after the wedding. Also we just got a new apartment and we have bought all our things already. Would it be ok to have the shower after the wedding. Also we would have to ask for monetary gifts only. Do you think that would be good taste. Thanks
I do not have enough guests to invite for a bridal shower to be held here. How can I have a “No show” shower & send the 3 registry sites ? Can I send each guest on the invitation a gift since I would not really hosting a physical shower ?
:-? My husbands little sister is getting married. She moved out of state 2 years ago to go to school and is getting married in the other state. We (the other sister in law and I) have gotten her a plane ticket back home and were planning on throwing her a bridal shower…until our mother in law (mother of the bride) said that it is not polite for us (sister in laws) to throw the bride a shower and has asked her friends (friends of the mother of the bride) to do it! Am I wrong to be upset? We were both really looking forward to doing this for the bride…I guess we should just take her out for an intimate lunch instead…I just don’t want the bride to think this was our idea, not to give her a shower. But I don’t want to make a fuss by saying…”your mom won’t let us give you a shower” Either…Suggestions?
Just explain to her. If she’s really your friend, she’ll understand. Tell her you’ll take her out to a special lunch or dinner with just the 2 of you. These conflicts happen in life. It will be OK.
My brother and his future wife are trying to keep the wedding fairly small being a second for both of them. I am holding a wedding tea as a shower (I’m the sister of the groom). Is it allowed to invite people to the shower who are not invited to the wedding.
my MOH is throwing a shower and my fiance’s sisters are also throwing me a shower. They live 5 hours away. Is it appropriate or greedy to also invite his mother and sisters to the shower that my MOH is throwing?
Thanks your opinion helps. The groom’s family is well aware of the brides twin sister.
Judy Hammond writes “The grooms Mom’s friends are hosting a couples shower. My daughter was not allowed to give a guest list. The only guests will be my husband, the grooms Mom and Dad, the grooms sister and friends of the grooms Mom and Dad. My daughter (the bride) has a twin sister who is disabled. She was not invited! We feel deeply offended by this. Anyone agree with us?? “
I agree with you and feel you should be offended by this. IF the groom’s siblings are invited to the party then your Immediate family ( you, your husband, the bride and her twin sister should be invited.) Your daughter (the bride) needs to speak up about it. She needs to first talk to the Groom and explain that she is upset about her twin not being invited to the shower. They ( groom and bride) need to sit down with the Groom’s mother or the Groom’s Mothers friends and explain to them that she really wants her sister to be there. IT could be that the Person ( Groom’s Mom’s Friend) planning the party did not know the bride had a twin and its just a small misunderstanding because she doesn’t know the bride very well. I feel that the sister should be allowed to go because she is part to the family. Hope this helps.
The grooms Mom’s friends are hosting a couples shower. My daughter was not allowed to give a guest list. The only guests will be my husband, the grooms Mom and Dad, the grooms sister and friends of the grooms Mom and Dad. My daughter (the bride) has a twin sister who is disabled. She was not invited! We feel deeply offended by this. Anyone agree with us??
I am getting married in March but we are going to Vegas to do it. My mom and son will be there but that is it. Is it innapropriate to have a bridal shower at home before the wedding? No one who could attend would be able to fly out for the wedding.
I am the mother of the groom. I have enough people to invite to a bridal shower but I don’t think it is proper for me to host one. I would like my sister in law to do it but I can’t ask her to. I don’t know what to do. Any suggestions?
I want to give a coworker a office bridal shower. She’s not planning on inviting anyone. Some they want to do this also and other’s are acting as if nothing happening. What to do? Ask for money for gift card or ask coworkers to bring in gifts. What do we eat? and what about decorations. Her mother works at our place of work (different dept.). Should I include her or get her advice on what to do?. Please help I feel kinda arkward.
My sister eloped a year ago but is still planning a huge wedding ceremony for this July. She is having 5 bridesmaids/5 groomsmen, the white dress, the vows, and over 250 guests. She is having a bridal shower and all the normal festivities that go with a traditional “wedding”. Is this proper? She is expecting our parents to pay for most of the “wedding” but is not letting my mom help her with any of the decisions, she is going to her mother-in-law for help. She only calls our mom when she needs a check. She is also expecting major payback in regards to her gift registry. Everything she has asked for is really expensive. Any suggestions on how to deal with this bridezilla?
It depends a lot on your relationship with your future daughter in law and the type of shower you are attending. The fact that you are not sure is probably a fairly good indication that it might be awkward. Of course, if it is a lingerie party - then go for it!
Is it inappropriate for the grooms mother to buy the bride a nightgown and robe for a bridal shower gift? I found a beautiful one on a great sale but am worried it might not be proper.
Lisa Says:
I am the sister of the groom, am one of the bridesmaids, and live nearby all three bridal showers…
Lisa - you should make every effort to attend all three of them since you are a bridesmaid and close family. Welcome to one of the duties of saying “Yes, I’d love to be in your wedding”.
You are not however, required to bring a gift to each shower. One gift will be plenty. Or if you wanted to do something kinda fun….you could find a gift that would have 3-parts to it, wrap each one separately and give it at each shower. You could include a note so she is clued in and the final shower, voila!, she knows the total gift is!!
Good luck!
saundra hadley, wedding event planner
planning…forever | weddings & events
Lisa Says:
my fiance’s mother gave us a list of over 30 people from her side…
Hi Lisa. This is a sticky situation. But you can simply read the other posts to see how other people will feel bad if they are not invited to the showers so I sympathize with your future mother-in-law. All of these guests are invited to the wedding, yes? And hopefully most of them are truly family not work buddies and so forth?
If your mother did not give stipulations on how many she could invite, then yes she can invite them all - especially if they are family (your NEW future family). My recommendation would be to scale down the type of shower to accommodate everyone so the expense is low. Your sister has the right idea. I would think your fiance’s mother should offer to help financially since her number is significantly higher than the others…but that may not happen, so don’t count on it and don’t ask. If you’re lucky only 22 will show up (75% of the total).
Good luck!
saundra hadley, wedding event planner
planning…forever | weddings & events
My soon to be sister-in-law is having three showers. One of the showers my aunts and sister and I are giving her the other two are friends throwing them. One of the other ones my mother and sister got invited to but not me…I’m very upset.
I am getting married in september. my sisters and mother are throwing me a shower and my fiance’s mother gave us a list of over 30 people from her side. My mom thinks the number is ridiculously high and my sister says “well figure it out”. my fiance’s family is really big and I’m know his mother feels bad about having so many guests but cannot not invite some of them. is there a way to compromise. Should she help pay?
I am the Mother of the Groom and need information on who from my office should be invited to the wedding. Some of my coworkers have only met my son once or twice. Would it be proper to invite them?
I am the mother of the groom and my family wants to have a shower for the bride and groom in our state. That would not be so unusual for our family, but the bride lives in another state as well as my son at the present time and the wedding will be in another state. Is it acceptable to have a shower in our state as well? OR Do we just send invitations and have them sent to one address and we mail the packages to them The people that my family would invite will not be at the shower and only my sister and brother’s families and my Mom and Dad will be at the wedding. Is it proper to invite people that may not ever see the bride? I also have this same questions for sending wedding invitations. Should we invite people that won’t be able to attend the ceremony?
I am the sister of the groom, am one of the bridesmaids, and live nearby all three bridal showers — one thrown by the groom’s aunt, another by her bridesmaids (friends I do not know), and another thrown by the bride’s aunt. Do I have to attend all three??
My son married in a hurry because he joined the Army. Is it acceptable to give his wife a bridal shower after the marriage ceremony? They are planning a wedding reception in the summer.
brides friends called groom’s mother & ask if she would like to help
insted of saying no, she asked what can she do for them and they asked her to “bring the cake” and a dish
I believe this is so wrong, the groom’s mother she be a guest if she is even invited, not be apart of dressing the bride
am I correct?
who should give the family bridal shower?
I am unable to make my very good friend’s wedding shower and I don’t know what to say to her.
Please advice.