For some brides, the wedding shower amounts to a real privilege. Although it’s certainly not the case for everyone, many a bride eagerly looks forward to the time when her friends and family gather to shower her with warm wishes, attention and presents in advance of the big day.
We’ll probably never know the exact story behind the bridal shower, but one that everyone likes to tell involves a poor Dutch girl who came up against the dowry system. Since the object of her affections (a poor miller) didn’t please her father, her father refused to cough up the requisite dowry, effectively scotching the marriage.
Of course, the surrounding townsfolk knew a good story when they saw it. One by one, they gathered useful household items, enough to support a new household. But even this wasn’t romantic enough, so the entire town kept the whole thing a secret until they were able to throw a giant gift-giving party for the lucky bride.
We humans love our independence, and the practice stuck. Yes, bridal showers have endured, even though times have changed substantially, with today’s bride likely to be older, more established, and quite possibly possessing everything she needs to run a household already, thank you very much. And yet, the practice of throwing a shower is still dear to the hearts of many brides, not to mention their closest friends and kin.
Still, as popular as they remain, it’s important to follow some etiquette rules. For starters, no one wants to think of the bride as being greedy, least of all the bride herself. Yet her friends can unwittingly put her in this uncomfortable position if they don’t coordinate with each other and end up throwing too many showers.
One of today’s most frequent questions concerning showers is, “can you have more than one?” Traditionally the answer was no, but the answer is changing.
Some Helpful Rules to Go By
Brides: since your bridesmaids and maid of honor are probably hosting the shower, make sure they can access your address book and guest list, so they know who to invite and how to contact them.
Also, remember that it’s your wedding party who’s footing the bill here, so the size of your shower may depend on their budget. On one end of the spectrum, you might have a very intimate little gathering involving only your closest friends and family; on the other, you might encounter almost every female guest who was invited to your wedding. It’s up to them.
Since there’s a method to the madness called the bridal shower, namely the giving and getting of household gifts, it’s imperative that you, the bride, ensure that your friends and family don’t go crazy hosting a bunch of disconnected showers. While everyone involved just wants to honor you, and your mom probably wants to make sure you never have to go without an egg slicer or a pizza stone, these parties do involve gifts, and having too many of them can make you look greedy.
Two exceptions that are gaining ground are the office shower and the out-of-town shower.
With the office shower, many of your colleagues probably aren’t invited to the actual wedding, since they’re probably more acquaintances than bosom buddies. Still, in many cases the office will want to throw you a party and be part of that day. This is an acceptable add-on to your “primary” shower.
The other exception, the out-of-town shower, is sometimes held by friends and family that can’t attend your bridal shower personally. This comes up with brides that live elsewhere but are “coming home” to marry and have many school friends and close relations in their hometown. In this case, you wouldn’t attend the bridal shower, but the hostess would gather the presents and bring them to your reception.
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Is it inappropriate for the grooms mother to buy the bride a nightgown and robe for a bridal shower gift? I found a beautiful one on a great sale but am worried it might not be proper.
Lisa Says:
I am the sister of the groom, am one of the bridesmaids, and live nearby all three bridal showers…
Lisa - you should make every effort to attend all three of them since you are a bridesmaid and close family. Welcome to one of the duties of saying “Yes, I’d love to be in your wedding”.
You are not however, required to bring a gift to each shower. One gift will be plenty. Or if you wanted to do something kinda fun….you could find a gift that would have 3-parts to it, wrap each one separately and give it at each shower. You could include a note so she is clued in and the final shower, voila!, she knows the total gift is!!
Good luck!
saundra hadley, wedding event planner
planning…forever | weddings & events
Lisa Says:
my fiance’s mother gave us a list of over 30 people from her side…
Hi Lisa. This is a sticky situation. But you can simply read the other posts to see how other people will feel bad if they are not invited to the showers so I sympathize with your future mother-in-law. All of these guests are invited to the wedding, yes? And hopefully most of them are truly family not work buddies and so forth?
If your mother did not give stipulations on how many she could invite, then yes she can invite them all - especially if they are family (your NEW future family). My recommendation would be to scale down the type of shower to accommodate everyone so the expense is low. Your sister has the right idea. I would think your fiance’s mother should offer to help financially since her number is significantly higher than the others…but that may not happen, so don’t count on it and don’t ask. If you’re lucky only 22 will show up (75% of the total).
Good luck!
saundra hadley, wedding event planner
planning…forever | weddings & events
My soon to be sister-in-law is having three showers. One of the showers my aunts and sister and I are giving her the other two are friends throwing them. One of the other ones my mother and sister got invited to but not me…I’m very upset.
I am getting married in september. my sisters and mother are throwing me a shower and my fiance’s mother gave us a list of over 30 people from her side. My mom thinks the number is ridiculously high and my sister says “well figure it out”. my fiance’s family is really big and I’m know his mother feels bad about having so many guests but cannot not invite some of them. is there a way to compromise. Should she help pay?
I am the Mother of the Groom and need information on who from my office should be invited to the wedding. Some of my coworkers have only met my son once or twice. Would it be proper to invite them?
I am the mother of the groom and my family wants to have a shower for the bride and groom in our state. That would not be so unusual for our family, but the bride lives in another state as well as my son at the present time and the wedding will be in another state. Is it acceptable to have a shower in our state as well? OR Do we just send invitations and have them sent to one address and we mail the packages to them The people that my family would invite will not be at the shower and only my sister and brother’s families and my Mom and Dad will be at the wedding. Is it proper to invite people that may not ever see the bride? I also have this same questions for sending wedding invitations. Should we invite people that won’t be able to attend the ceremony?
I am the sister of the groom, am one of the bridesmaids, and live nearby all three bridal showers — one thrown by the groom’s aunt, another by her bridesmaids (friends I do not know), and another thrown by the bride’s aunt. Do I have to attend all three??
My son married in a hurry because he joined the Army. Is it acceptable to give his wife a bridal shower after the marriage ceremony? They are planning a wedding reception in the summer.
brides friends called groom’s mother & ask if she would like to help
insted of saying no, she asked what can she do for them and they asked her to “bring the cake” and a dish
I believe this is so wrong, the groom’s mother she be a guest if she is even invited, not be apart of dressing the bride
am I correct?
who should give the family bridal shower?
I am unable to make my very good friend’s wedding shower and I don’t know what to say to her.
Please advice.