For some brides, the wedding shower amounts to a real privilege. Although it’s certainly not the case for everyone, many a bride eagerly looks forward to the time when her friends and family gather to shower her with warm wishes, attention and presents in advance of the big day.
We’ll probably never know the exact story behind the bridal shower, but one that everyone likes to tell involves a poor Dutch girl who came up against the dowry system. Since the object of her affections (a poor miller) didn’t please her father, her father refused to cough up the requisite dowry, effectively scotching the marriage.
Of course, the surrounding townsfolk knew a good story when they saw it. One by one, they gathered useful household items, enough to support a new household. But even this wasn’t romantic enough, so the entire town kept the whole thing a secret until they were able to throw a giant gift-giving party for the lucky bride.
We humans love our independence, and the practice stuck. Yes, bridal showers have endured, even though times have changed substantially, with today’s bride likely to be older, more established, and quite possibly possessing everything she needs to run a household already, thank you very much. And yet, the practice of throwing a shower is still dear to the hearts of many brides, not to mention their closest friends and kin.
Still, as popular as they remain, it’s important to follow some etiquette rules. For starters, no one wants to think of the bride as being greedy, least of all the bride herself. Yet her friends can unwittingly put her in this uncomfortable position if they don’t coordinate with each other and end up throwing too many showers.
One of today’s most frequent questions concerning showers is, “can you have more than one?” Traditionally the answer was no, but the answer is changing.
Some Helpful Rules to Go By
Brides: since your bridesmaids and maid of honor are probably hosting the shower, make sure they can access your address book and guest list, so they know who to invite and how to contact them.
Also, remember that it’s your wedding party who’s footing the bill here, so the size of your shower may depend on their budget. On one end of the spectrum, you might have a very intimate little gathering involving only your closest friends and family; on the other, you might encounter almost every female guest who was invited to your wedding. It’s up to them.
Since there’s a method to the madness called the bridal shower, namely the giving and getting of household gifts, it’s imperative that you, the bride, ensure that your friends and family don’t go crazy hosting a bunch of disconnected showers. While everyone involved just wants to honor you, and your mom probably wants to make sure you never have to go without an egg slicer or a pizza stone, these parties do involve gifts, and having too many of them can make you look greedy.
Two exceptions that are gaining ground are the office shower and the out-of-town shower.
With the office shower, many of your colleagues probably aren’t invited to the actual wedding, since they’re probably more acquaintances than bosom buddies. Still, in many cases the office will want to throw you a party and be part of that day. This is an acceptable add-on to your “primary” shower.
The other exception, the out-of-town shower, is sometimes held by friends and family that can’t attend your bridal shower personally. This comes up with brides that live elsewhere but are “coming home” to marry and have many school friends and close relations in their hometown. In this case, you wouldn’t attend the bridal shower, but the hostess would gather the presents and bring them to your reception.
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Donna, about 4-6 weeks before the wedding is traditional.
But this is flexible. The idea behind 4-6 weeks is that it’s “not too close” to the wedding, so the bride won’t necessarily be too stressed by planning to enjoy the shower. Still, for some brides, this may actually be too close.
Another consideration is if you have out-of-town guests coming, or if the bride herself is out of town. In that case, just pick a date when everyone can be there.
how far ahead do you need to have the bridal shower
just want to know if it would be bad taste to have the bridal shower a few month before the wedding since there is so much going on a few weeks before the wedding and it just being something i want to get out of the way
Oldest daughter got married 18 months ago. Her 15 YO sister was her maid of honor. Shower thrown by bridesmaid. Younger daughter getting married now. Sister is maid of honor, two cousins who are very young live 3 hours away, sister not working/tiny house/financialy strapped and shower would have to be at mother of bride’s house. Groom’s aunt having shower. Bride mad at sister and her mom for not hosting. What should we have done?
:-? Is it acceptable for the mother of the bride to host a wedding shower? Does it matter that the bride-to-be & groom-to-be already have 2 kids & live together? They’re very young and it’s a 1st marriage for both. Please advise!
Is it appropriate for the groom to ask his mother to throw a shower for the bride when his side of the family is excluded from the shower already being thrown by the brides sister? What should she do?
My wedding was very quick and nice. We planned it in 4 days. My two friends helped. Obviously we could not invite alot of people. My friends would like to have a bridal shower after the wedding. Also we just got a new apartment and we have bought all our things already. Would it be ok to have the shower after the wedding. Also we would have to ask for monetary gifts only. Do you think that would be good taste. Thanks
I do not have enough guests to invite for a bridal shower to be held here. How can I have a “No show” shower & send the 3 registry sites ? Can I send each guest on the invitation a gift since I would not really hosting a physical shower ?
:-? My husbands little sister is getting married. She moved out of state 2 years ago to go to school and is getting married in the other state. We (the other sister in law and I) have gotten her a plane ticket back home and were planning on throwing her a bridal shower…until our mother in law (mother of the bride) said that it is not polite for us (sister in laws) to throw the bride a shower and has asked her friends (friends of the mother of the bride) to do it! Am I wrong to be upset? We were both really looking forward to doing this for the bride…I guess we should just take her out for an intimate lunch instead…I just don’t want the bride to think this was our idea, not to give her a shower. But I don’t want to make a fuss by saying…”your mom won’t let us give you a shower” Either…Suggestions?
Just explain to her. If she’s really your friend, she’ll understand. Tell her you’ll take her out to a special lunch or dinner with just the 2 of you. These conflicts happen in life. It will be OK.
My brother and his future wife are trying to keep the wedding fairly small being a second for both of them. I am holding a wedding tea as a shower (I’m the sister of the groom). Is it allowed to invite people to the shower who are not invited to the wedding.
my MOH is throwing a shower and my fiance’s sisters are also throwing me a shower. They live 5 hours away. Is it appropriate or greedy to also invite his mother and sisters to the shower that my MOH is throwing?
Thanks your opinion helps. The groom’s family is well aware of the brides twin sister.
Judy Hammond writes “The grooms Mom’s friends are hosting a couples shower. My daughter was not allowed to give a guest list. The only guests will be my husband, the grooms Mom and Dad, the grooms sister and friends of the grooms Mom and Dad. My daughter (the bride) has a twin sister who is disabled. She was not invited! We feel deeply offended by this. Anyone agree with us?? “
I agree with you and feel you should be offended by this. IF the groom’s siblings are invited to the party then your Immediate family ( you, your husband, the bride and her twin sister should be invited.) Your daughter (the bride) needs to speak up about it. She needs to first talk to the Groom and explain that she is upset about her twin not being invited to the shower. They ( groom and bride) need to sit down with the Groom’s mother or the Groom’s Mothers friends and explain to them that she really wants her sister to be there. IT could be that the Person ( Groom’s Mom’s Friend) planning the party did not know the bride had a twin and its just a small misunderstanding because she doesn’t know the bride very well. I feel that the sister should be allowed to go because she is part to the family. Hope this helps.
The grooms Mom’s friends are hosting a couples shower. My daughter was not allowed to give a guest list. The only guests will be my husband, the grooms Mom and Dad, the grooms sister and friends of the grooms Mom and Dad. My daughter (the bride) has a twin sister who is disabled. She was not invited! We feel deeply offended by this. Anyone agree with us??
I am getting married in March but we are going to Vegas to do it. My mom and son will be there but that is it. Is it innapropriate to have a bridal shower at home before the wedding? No one who could attend would be able to fly out for the wedding.
I am the mother of the groom. I have enough people to invite to a bridal shower but I don’t think it is proper for me to host one. I would like my sister in law to do it but I can’t ask her to. I don’t know what to do. Any suggestions?
I want to give a coworker a office bridal shower. She’s not planning on inviting anyone. Some they want to do this also and other’s are acting as if nothing happening. What to do? Ask for money for gift card or ask coworkers to bring in gifts. What do we eat? and what about decorations. Her mother works at our place of work (different dept.). Should I include her or get her advice on what to do?. Please help I feel kinda arkward.
My sister eloped a year ago but is still planning a huge wedding ceremony for this July. She is having 5 bridesmaids/5 groomsmen, the white dress, the vows, and over 250 guests. She is having a bridal shower and all the normal festivities that go with a traditional “wedding”. Is this proper? She is expecting our parents to pay for most of the “wedding” but is not letting my mom help her with any of the decisions, she is going to her mother-in-law for help. She only calls our mom when she needs a check. She is also expecting major payback in regards to her gift registry. Everything she has asked for is really expensive. Any suggestions on how to deal with this bridezilla?
It depends a lot on your relationship with your future daughter in law and the type of shower you are attending. The fact that you are not sure is probably a fairly good indication that it might be awkward. Of course, if it is a lingerie party - then go for it!