For some brides, the wedding shower amounts to a real privilege. Although it’s certainly not the case for everyone, many a bride eagerly looks forward to the time when her friends and family gather to shower her with warm wishes, attention and presents in advance of the big day.
We’ll probably never know the exact story behind the bridal shower, but one that everyone likes to tell involves a poor Dutch girl who came up against the dowry system. Since the object of her affections (a poor miller) didn’t please her father, her father refused to cough up the requisite dowry, effectively scotching the marriage.
Of course, the surrounding townsfolk knew a good story when they saw it. One by one, they gathered useful household items, enough to support a new household. But even this wasn’t romantic enough, so the entire town kept the whole thing a secret until they were able to throw a giant gift-giving party for the lucky bride.
We humans love our independence, and the practice stuck. Yes, bridal showers have endured, even though times have changed substantially, with today’s bride likely to be older, more established, and quite possibly possessing everything she needs to run a household already, thank you very much. And yet, the practice of throwing a shower is still dear to the hearts of many brides, not to mention their closest friends and kin.
Still, as popular as they remain, it’s important to follow some etiquette rules. For starters, no one wants to think of the bride as being greedy, least of all the bride herself. Yet her friends can unwittingly put her in this uncomfortable position if they don’t coordinate with each other and end up throwing too many showers.
One of today’s most frequent questions concerning showers is, “can you have more than one?” Traditionally the answer was no, but the answer is changing.
Some Helpful Rules to Go By
Brides: since your bridesmaids and maid of honor are probably hosting the shower, make sure they can access your address book and guest list, so they know who to invite and how to contact them.
Also, remember that it’s your wedding party who’s footing the bill here, so the size of your shower may depend on their budget. On one end of the spectrum, you might have a very intimate little gathering involving only your closest friends and family; on the other, you might encounter almost every female guest who was invited to your wedding. It’s up to them.
Since there’s a method to the madness called the bridal shower, namely the giving and getting of household gifts, it’s imperative that you, the bride, ensure that your friends and family don’t go crazy hosting a bunch of disconnected showers. While everyone involved just wants to honor you, and your mom probably wants to make sure you never have to go without an egg slicer or a pizza stone, these parties do involve gifts, and having too many of them can make you look greedy.
Two exceptions that are gaining ground are the office shower and the out-of-town shower.
With the office shower, many of your colleagues probably aren’t invited to the actual wedding, since they’re probably more acquaintances than bosom buddies. Still, in many cases the office will want to throw you a party and be part of that day. This is an acceptable add-on to your “primary” shower.
The other exception, the out-of-town shower, is sometimes held by friends and family that can’t attend your bridal shower personally. This comes up with brides that live elsewhere but are “coming home” to marry and have many school friends and close relations in their hometown. In this case, you wouldn’t attend the bridal shower, but the hostess would gather the presents and bring them to your reception.
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Um… So I’m the MoH for my best friends wedding and she wants SIXTY people at her bridal shower… Correct me if I’m wrong but doesn’t that look bad to invite 60 people when she a. only has 150 people invited to the wedding in the first place and b. plans to have two bridal showers as it is to have one couples shower for college friends and one girls-only shower more for family? Kinda screams gift-piggy to me… but I don’t know if I should tell her that.
Eek!
I just attented a shower of a very close friend of mine and we played games and i happened to “win” one of them and got a prize at the end of the shower my friend pulled me aside and told me that when you win something at a shower you are supposed to give it to the bride i have never heard of this before advise please
Kimberly, the answer to “when to have the bridal shower” is “when it makes sense for the bride.”
Typically this is between 6-8 weeks before the wedding, but that might be different for you. That period is traditional, with the idea being that it’s close enough to the wedding to be part of the fun, but not so close that it adds to your stress load for the main event.
OTOH, brides traveling to an out-of-town wedding often want the shower a LOT closer to the big day. For you it might be earlier.
Have it when it will be fun for you.
Rose –
You can’t (as a matter of etiquette) tell people on the invite how or where to buy gifts for a shower, unless you’re willing to go all-out and declare it a “money shower” or a “greenback shower,” which will probably offend some.
However, with an out-of-state bride, guests are likely to ask the hostess for direction. You can suggest they buy their gifts online and ship directly to the couple. Or, you can hold the gifts and present them at the wedding if it’s taking place locally later on.
Gift certificates are also getting more popular and occupy a gray area between “gifts” and “cash” that make them more acceptable to some people who dislike cash, so perhaps you could suggest those.
Either way, leave it off the invitation and spread the news via worth of mouth, when people ask.
Hi,
I’m having ALOT of trouble when it comes to showers and parties. People have been coming out of the wood works to throw me these. As of now I believe I have 12 more before my wedding in June. I have already had 3. Needless to say, I am running out of people to invite. I have heard that it is improper to ask the same person to an event where there are gifts twice. What do you suggest I do?
Caroline
Carol:
There’s no rule that says you have to send a gift to a bridal shower you aren’t attending — especially since you aren’t close to the bride and groom. That said, if you’re going to the wedding, or it’s a case where you’re close to the bride but just can’t make the shower, then you might want to send one … but don’t feel obligated.
Hi Susan,
typically the bridesmaids and close relatives (MOB and MOG) are invited to all showers.
It’s important that the bride communicate clearly to everyone that guests invited to multiple showers should NOT bring gifts to more than one.
OK. Val/Katrina, this my take.
There is no ‘proper etiquette’ answer to Katrina’s question. That’s because there are no etiquette guidelines for the bride who has shower after shower — that is not traditional. It also can cause a lot of mis-communications and hard feelings.
Katrina, according to tradition, you would attend ONE shower. The fact that you are attending more means you’re investing a significant amount of time, and probably money. Although everyone agrees that no one should have to buy more than one bridal shower gift, that leaves guests feeling awkward when they attend the second or third shower empty-handed.
You should NOT feel bad for missing one out of three showers, nor should you change up all your plans to make all three. Just explain politely to the bride that you have prior commitments that day, so she doesn’t worry that you’re somehow snubbing her. These events seem to bring out the insecurities in everyone.
What was the answer to Katrina’s email on Nov. 16, 2007?
I MISSED THE ANSWER TO LISSA 1/22/08-REGUARDING THE APPROPRIATE WAY TO WORD AN INVITAION WHEN THE BRIDE IS TRAVELING IN TO TOWN FOR THE SHOWER AND REQUEST THAT GIFTS BE SHIPPED DIRECTLY TO THE TOWN THEY RESIDE IN. PLEASE HELP.
Does the mother of the bride go to all the bridal showers? Thanks
What is the appropriate way to word an invitation when the bride is traveling in for a shower in her home town and requests that gifts be shipped or people contribute to a “money tree/bridal bank” in lieu of gifts?
My brother now lives in a different state. Him and his fiance are getting married in the other state and her bridal party is holding a shower out there. My brother has asked our family to hold a separate shower here in our home state. We don’t feel this is necessary and there will also be many relatives on our side of the family who will not be in the area at the time. Is is correct to have this 2nd shower?
I have a question - I was reading the “out of town” shower scenario - but I have a quandry - my daughter, who lives in GA, is getting married in GA, and is unable to travel as she has a small infant and work obligations - the wedding is in 10 weeks, very small, only family, but all coming from about 5 different states - there is no simple way to hold a shower in a location that works for anyone - is it impolite to do a “registry bridal shower” only? - similiar to a “tupperware book party” versus having an actual event?
I live in New Orleans and have been dealing with rebuilding. I have a friend who got married on July 7, 2007. The wedding was a little rushed since they liked the 7-7-7 date. I had hoped to have a shower before the wedding but we wanted to invite several people who were not invited to the wedding. They had the wedding in a very small chapel and had to monitor the number of guest closely. Things happened and we still haven’t had the shower. I am now thinking a 6 month anniversary theme party would be a great idea. What are your thoughts and ideas.
I was invited to a shower, don’t know the bride, know the groom. I can’t make it, should I send a gift??
I am the MOTG and can not attend the Shower given by the Bride’s Family. I have previous plans for that day. I will be attending two other showers, one given by our Church and the other by my family.
Is it okay to miss the shower given by her family or should I try and change my plans?
I have a Question I am having my wedding feb 16 and i have so much to that I just wanted to know that having my Bridal shower a few month early would be in bad taste i have six kids i have to get fittewd for this wedding and all the family and friends to get them on the ball this is just one thing i would just like to get out of the way and be able to focus the thing i need to get done everybody is so slow please give me you feed back on this thank you
kimberly
Hi Ann! Here’s my thoughts (but I welcome anyone else’s).
What you’re proposing is obviously not one of the ‘official’ pre-wedding parties, so it wouldn’t have established rules of etiquette like they do.
That said, I think it’s a very lovely and touching idea for you to honor the MOTG in this way. Now that weddings are primarily planned by the couples themselves without a lot of input from parents, the average MOTB probably plays a smaller role than she’d like — and the MOTG has never really gotten to put in more than a cautious two cents, if that.
This would not be a gifts party. The original purpose of the bridal shower was for friends (not relatives of any kind) to supply the bride with the necessities to live on, even if the groom she’d chosen wasn’t considered ’suitable’ by the parents and they’d withdrawn their support. Even today it’s considered important for the bride’s close friends (bridesmaids), NOT parents or other relatives or their friends, to host a gifts party.
However, it’s always best if this party or luncheon is one where guests do not have to pay their way. If that isn’t feasible and your guests are fine with going dutch, you can always celebrate at a restaurant, being sure to pay for the MOTG’s meal (of course!). And in lieu of gifts for the bride, if there’s some way to present the MOTG with something personal involving her son, such as a specially framed photograph of the couple, she’d probably be very pleased.
Finally, inviting the bride is a personal decision, but my feeling is that if the bride is present at the party, the festivities will naturally focus on her, and the MOTG may be shy about potentially taking away any of the limelight … which may not be what you intended.
My good friend’s son is getting married. I don’t know her son or daughter in law to be extremely well BUT I would like to have a luncheon for her (mother of the groom) - is that appropriate and if so, do I also invite the bride? What about gifts? Thank you!
Ann