For some brides, the wedding shower amounts to a real privilege. Although it’s certainly not the case for everyone, many a bride eagerly looks forward to the time when her friends and family gather to shower her with warm wishes, attention and presents in advance of the big day.
We’ll probably never know the exact story behind the bridal shower, but one that everyone likes to tell involves a poor Dutch girl who came up against the dowry system. Since the object of her affections (a poor miller) didn’t please her father, her father refused to cough up the requisite dowry, effectively scotching the marriage.
Of course, the surrounding townsfolk knew a good story when they saw it. One by one, they gathered useful household items, enough to support a new household. But even this wasn’t romantic enough, so the entire town kept the whole thing a secret until they were able to throw a giant gift-giving party for the lucky bride.
We humans love our independence, and the practice stuck. Yes, bridal showers have endured, even though times have changed substantially, with today’s bride likely to be older, more established, and quite possibly possessing everything she needs to run a household already, thank you very much. And yet, the practice of throwing a shower is still dear to the hearts of many brides, not to mention their closest friends and kin.
Still, as popular as they remain, it’s important to follow some etiquette rules. For starters, no one wants to think of the bride as being greedy, least of all the bride herself. Yet her friends can unwittingly put her in this uncomfortable position if they don’t coordinate with each other and end up throwing too many showers.
One of today’s most frequent questions concerning showers is, “can you have more than one?” Traditionally the answer was no, but the answer is changing.
Some Helpful Rules to Go By
Brides: since your bridesmaids and maid of honor are probably hosting the shower, make sure they can access your address book and guest list, so they know who to invite and how to contact them.
Also, remember that it’s your wedding party who’s footing the bill here, so the size of your shower may depend on their budget. On one end of the spectrum, you might have a very intimate little gathering involving only your closest friends and family; on the other, you might encounter almost every female guest who was invited to your wedding. It’s up to them.
Since there’s a method to the madness called the bridal shower, namely the giving and getting of household gifts, it’s imperative that you, the bride, ensure that your friends and family don’t go crazy hosting a bunch of disconnected showers. While everyone involved just wants to honor you, and your mom probably wants to make sure you never have to go without an egg slicer or a pizza stone, these parties do involve gifts, and having too many of them can make you look greedy.
Two exceptions that are gaining ground are the office shower and the out-of-town shower.
With the office shower, many of your colleagues probably aren’t invited to the actual wedding, since they’re probably more acquaintances than bosom buddies. Still, in many cases the office will want to throw you a party and be part of that day. This is an acceptable add-on to your “primary” shower.
The other exception, the out-of-town shower, is sometimes held by friends and family that can’t attend your bridal shower personally. This comes up with brides that live elsewhere but are “coming home” to marry and have many school friends and close relations in their hometown. In this case, you wouldn’t attend the bridal shower, but the hostess would gather the presents and bring them to your reception.
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Does the mother of the bride go to all the bridal showers? Thanks
What is the appropriate way to word an invitation when the bride is traveling in for a shower in her home town and requests that gifts be shipped or people contribute to a “money tree/bridal bank” in lieu of gifts?
My brother now lives in a different state. Him and his fiance are getting married in the other state and her bridal party is holding a shower out there. My brother has asked our family to hold a separate shower here in our home state. We don’t feel this is necessary and there will also be many relatives on our side of the family who will not be in the area at the time. Is is correct to have this 2nd shower?
I have a question - I was reading the “out of town” shower scenario - but I have a quandry - my daughter, who lives in GA, is getting married in GA, and is unable to travel as she has a small infant and work obligations - the wedding is in 10 weeks, very small, only family, but all coming from about 5 different states - there is no simple way to hold a shower in a location that works for anyone - is it impolite to do a “registry bridal shower” only? - similiar to a “tupperware book party” versus having an actual event?
I live in New Orleans and have been dealing with rebuilding. I have a friend who got married on July 7, 2007. The wedding was a little rushed since they liked the 7-7-7 date. I had hoped to have a shower before the wedding but we wanted to invite several people who were not invited to the wedding. They had the wedding in a very small chapel and had to monitor the number of guest closely. Things happened and we still haven’t had the shower. I am now thinking a 6 month anniversary theme party would be a great idea. What are your thoughts and ideas.
I was invited to a shower, don’t know the bride, know the groom. I can’t make it, should I send a gift??
I am the MOTG and can not attend the Shower given by the Bride’s Family. I have previous plans for that day. I will be attending two other showers, one given by our Church and the other by my family.
Is it okay to miss the shower given by her family or should I try and change my plans?
I have a Question I am having my wedding feb 16 and i have so much to that I just wanted to know that having my Bridal shower a few month early would be in bad taste i have six kids i have to get fittewd for this wedding and all the family and friends to get them on the ball this is just one thing i would just like to get out of the way and be able to focus the thing i need to get done everybody is so slow please give me you feed back on this thank you
kimberly
Hi Ann! Here’s my thoughts (but I welcome anyone else’s).
What you’re proposing is obviously not one of the ‘official’ pre-wedding parties, so it wouldn’t have established rules of etiquette like they do.
That said, I think it’s a very lovely and touching idea for you to honor the MOTG in this way. Now that weddings are primarily planned by the couples themselves without a lot of input from parents, the average MOTB probably plays a smaller role than she’d like — and the MOTG has never really gotten to put in more than a cautious two cents, if that.
This would not be a gifts party. The original purpose of the bridal shower was for friends (not relatives of any kind) to supply the bride with the necessities to live on, even if the groom she’d chosen wasn’t considered ’suitable’ by the parents and they’d withdrawn their support. Even today it’s considered important for the bride’s close friends (bridesmaids), NOT parents or other relatives or their friends, to host a gifts party.
However, it’s always best if this party or luncheon is one where guests do not have to pay their way. If that isn’t feasible and your guests are fine with going dutch, you can always celebrate at a restaurant, being sure to pay for the MOTG’s meal (of course!). And in lieu of gifts for the bride, if there’s some way to present the MOTG with something personal involving her son, such as a specially framed photograph of the couple, she’d probably be very pleased.
Finally, inviting the bride is a personal decision, but my feeling is that if the bride is present at the party, the festivities will naturally focus on her, and the MOTG may be shy about potentially taking away any of the limelight … which may not be what you intended.
My good friend’s son is getting married. I don’t know her son or daughter in law to be extremely well BUT I would like to have a luncheon for her (mother of the groom) - is that appropriate and if so, do I also invite the bride? What about gifts? Thank you!
Ann
Donna, about 4-6 weeks before the wedding is traditional.
But this is flexible. The idea behind 4-6 weeks is that it’s “not too close” to the wedding, so the bride won’t necessarily be too stressed by planning to enjoy the shower. Still, for some brides, this may actually be too close.
Another consideration is if you have out-of-town guests coming, or if the bride herself is out of town. In that case, just pick a date when everyone can be there.
how far ahead do you need to have the bridal shower
just want to know if it would be bad taste to have the bridal shower a few month before the wedding since there is so much going on a few weeks before the wedding and it just being something i want to get out of the way
Oldest daughter got married 18 months ago. Her 15 YO sister was her maid of honor. Shower thrown by bridesmaid. Younger daughter getting married now. Sister is maid of honor, two cousins who are very young live 3 hours away, sister not working/tiny house/financialy strapped and shower would have to be at mother of bride’s house. Groom’s aunt having shower. Bride mad at sister and her mom for not hosting. What should we have done?
:-? Is it acceptable for the mother of the bride to host a wedding shower? Does it matter that the bride-to-be & groom-to-be already have 2 kids & live together? They’re very young and it’s a 1st marriage for both. Please advise!
Is it appropriate for the groom to ask his mother to throw a shower for the bride when his side of the family is excluded from the shower already being thrown by the brides sister? What should she do?
My wedding was very quick and nice. We planned it in 4 days. My two friends helped. Obviously we could not invite alot of people. My friends would like to have a bridal shower after the wedding. Also we just got a new apartment and we have bought all our things already. Would it be ok to have the shower after the wedding. Also we would have to ask for monetary gifts only. Do you think that would be good taste. Thanks
I do not have enough guests to invite for a bridal shower to be held here. How can I have a “No show” shower & send the 3 registry sites ? Can I send each guest on the invitation a gift since I would not really hosting a physical shower ?
:-? My husbands little sister is getting married. She moved out of state 2 years ago to go to school and is getting married in the other state. We (the other sister in law and I) have gotten her a plane ticket back home and were planning on throwing her a bridal shower…until our mother in law (mother of the bride) said that it is not polite for us (sister in laws) to throw the bride a shower and has asked her friends (friends of the mother of the bride) to do it! Am I wrong to be upset? We were both really looking forward to doing this for the bride…I guess we should just take her out for an intimate lunch instead…I just don’t want the bride to think this was our idea, not to give her a shower. But I don’t want to make a fuss by saying…”your mom won’t let us give you a shower” Either…Suggestions?
Just explain to her. If she’s really your friend, she’ll understand. Tell her you’ll take her out to a special lunch or dinner with just the 2 of you. These conflicts happen in life. It will be OK.