For some brides, the wedding shower amounts to a real privilege. Although it’s certainly not the case for everyone, many a bride eagerly looks forward to the time when her friends and family gather to shower her with warm wishes, attention and presents in advance of the big day.
We’ll probably never know the exact story behind the bridal shower, but one that everyone likes to tell involves a poor Dutch girl who came up against the dowry system. Since the object of her affections (a poor miller) didn’t please her father, her father refused to cough up the requisite dowry, effectively scotching the marriage.
Of course, the surrounding townsfolk knew a good story when they saw it. One by one, they gathered useful household items, enough to support a new household. But even this wasn’t romantic enough, so the entire town kept the whole thing a secret until they were able to throw a giant gift-giving party for the lucky bride.
We humans love our independence, and the practice stuck. Yes, bridal showers have endured, even though times have changed substantially, with today’s bride likely to be older, more established, and quite possibly possessing everything she needs to run a household already, thank you very much. And yet, the practice of throwing a shower is still dear to the hearts of many brides, not to mention their closest friends and kin.
Still, as popular as they remain, it’s important to follow some etiquette rules. For starters, no one wants to think of the bride as being greedy, least of all the bride herself. Yet her friends can unwittingly put her in this uncomfortable position if they don’t coordinate with each other and end up throwing too many showers.
One of today’s most frequent questions concerning showers is, “can you have more than one?” Traditionally the answer was no, but the answer is changing.
Some Helpful Rules to Go By
Brides: since your bridesmaids and maid of honor are probably hosting the shower, make sure they can access your address book and guest list, so they know who to invite and how to contact them.
Also, remember that it’s your wedding party who’s footing the bill here, so the size of your shower may depend on their budget. On one end of the spectrum, you might have a very intimate little gathering involving only your closest friends and family; on the other, you might encounter almost every female guest who was invited to your wedding. It’s up to them.
Since there’s a method to the madness called the bridal shower, namely the giving and getting of household gifts, it’s imperative that you, the bride, ensure that your friends and family don’t go crazy hosting a bunch of disconnected showers. While everyone involved just wants to honor you, and your mom probably wants to make sure you never have to go without an egg slicer or a pizza stone, these parties do involve gifts, and having too many of them can make you look greedy.
Two exceptions that are gaining ground are the office shower and the out-of-town shower.
With the office shower, many of your colleagues probably aren’t invited to the actual wedding, since they’re probably more acquaintances than bosom buddies. Still, in many cases the office will want to throw you a party and be part of that day. This is an acceptable add-on to your “primary” shower.
The other exception, the out-of-town shower, is sometimes held by friends and family that can’t attend your bridal shower personally. This comes up with brides that live elsewhere but are “coming home” to marry and have many school friends and close relations in their hometown. In this case, you wouldn’t attend the bridal shower, but the hostess would gather the presents and bring them to your reception.
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I have a dilemma my niece is getting married and i am the maid of honor and the grooms granmother went and bought the favors for her bridal shower and me and my Mom were upset with that then we asked to at least help assemble them and were told that they have enough volunteers so basically we have nothing to do with it.I want to do our own set of favors and my mom said it wouls be tacky to give out 2 gifts at her shower.Please help!!!
sue, why not do the door prizes? or assemble some really nice edible centerpieces. i personally wouldnt give out 2 favors. but i think doing the door raffle is so fun!! we did that at one of my friends showers. but you can add something at each place setting or tie a special charm etc. around each glass or napkin. good luck!!
What does the bride’s mother do for the shower physically and monetarily- when the maid of honor and the grooms mother is attempting to exclude her from arrangements for the shower- even though the bridesmaids, who are all the brides sisters 2 of them don’t work ( they are in school) and the 3rd is a single parent ,doesn’t have any money to contribute. And this brides mother was requested by the bride to include the groom’s mother in the arrangements for the shower, since she doesn’t have any girls. FYI- Groom’s mother and maid of honor going over our budget ( my daughters and mine) with their ideas. Subtle hints have been given to both to tone it down. Didn’t work. Their comments are Bride deserves what they are deciding I want to keep peace also.
Lis, i hope i am understanding your dilemma and give the right advice.. it depends on each situation but the moh/bridesmaids is typically the one to throws the shower. i would accept all ideas graciously, even though it may be difficult. the bridal party is the host so they pay for the shower, if she doesnt have the $$ then whoever (gm) chips in has a right to be in the planning. delegating different parts of it to each host, if the grooms mother wants to help then let her. if it goes over the top then it will be their financial responsibility.(not the brides or brides mother).bridesmaids will need to speak up gently but firmly about their finances, and find a common ground with gm. she may pinch hit with the $$.
if they all are planning a big ticket shower then maybe they have the xtra funds to make that day special, but it shouldnt be included as a part of the wedding budget, its your bridal party throwing a special day in your honor. include your mom in the major part of the planning as stated below in links. ( you or your mother, you are not suppose to be hosts of your own shower) if the grooms mother is footing the bill and you dont mind then let her otherwise take her to lunch and tell her you appreciate all the help that she has done and the wonderful ideas she has presented but its becoming to much then start planning the wedding of YOUR dreams. i hope this helps and i wish you the best of luck!!
* Who typically hosts the bridal shower?
* Who should pay for the bridal shower???
* The Role of the Mother of the Groom - Are You Really Just Supposed to Show Up, Shut Up, and Wear Beige?
* What are the Mother of the Groom’s Responsibilities?
lis, 4got this one… its for the brides mother…
* What are the Mother of the Bride’s Responsibilities?
What you sent was helpful- I do mind the mother of the groom insinuating what my girls and I have to offer isn’t good enough for my daughter, in my house, and the maid of honor was obviously ok with that . I am also not ok with the mother of the groom paying for the bulk of the shower, with the maid of honor paying 1/4 of the bill. I have told the Maid of honor 2′Xs that also. I did not financially ask for her help- she and the maid of honor decided that that was what they were going to do . We were informed we could do the decorations. I told sisters ( my daughters, aka the bridesmaids) , to be helpful and I stepped out of the picture. I am aware my daughter ,the bride wants her future mother in law to be involved in everything , with the preperation of this wedding, since she the MOG doesn’t have any daughters. I’m just very hurt and angry.
This is all about my daughter, so to keep peace ……
lis, i am glad the advice was helpful. i was hoping it really would be. i completely understand your feelings and agree that her doing that is wrong. the links i provided may not have targeted the actual dilemma but i was hoping it may have some help for you. i agree that the maid of honor should pay her part, maybe i didnt fully understand the dilemma before. but i do think your feelings/ideas are important and noone should be insulting you or your daughters. i do wish you the best and i hope everything turns out okay.
can the mother of the groom and his sisters have a bridal shower?
Is it appropriate to include friends that hosted an engagment party for my daughter to a wedding shower for her?
Hello,
I have a bridal shower to go to and it’s a casual cookout and no theme. Is it okay to buy a gift off their registry and have it shipped to their house rather than bringing a gift to the shower? If so, should I bring a card to the shower?
Thank you for your time,
Jamie
How far out from the wedding should a bridal shower be given?
A month? Is two months too far in advance?
Thanks,
sandra
My daughter’s wedding is quickly approaching. A friend of mine wants to hold a shower for her however it will have to occur after the wedding. Is this appropriate or tacky?
I am the mother if the groom and am atttending two showers, should I have a gift for both? What are your thoughts
Thanks
Is it proper to show up at the bridal shower without a gift as a bridesmaid? I am under financial strain and would like to go to the shower but I just don’t have a gift at this time
HELP!!!
As a MOH, how do I explain to a bridesmaid that having a bridal shower the day before a wedding is not a good idea?
All the other bridesmaids agree, as well as the mother of the groom and the groom, that the shower can not be the day before the wedding (the bride only has a small, extended family of about 5 women on her side- of which are only distant cousins and sister in laws, so there is no one on her side really to ask for input)!
This bridesmaid however is refusing to understand that for the majority of people invovled the week/day before does not work, because in her eyes she MUST be at the shower because she is a bridesmaid. Since she lives out of state and she can’t make it up till 5 days before the wedding she thus wants the shower to be the week/day before. I have tried everything to make her understand, including talking about etiquette, expenses, etc, but she just wont listen to anything anyone has to say. I’m out of ideas of how to explain to her that it’s just not going to happen the day or week before the wedding.
I tried sugessting she have her own special day with the bride when she comes up for the wedding so they can have some bonding/special time, but she refuses and still insists she be at the shower. She has even already called the bride to complain!!!
Again, the week/day before does not work for the groom, the future mother in law and her family, and for 2 of the 3 bridesmiads including myself the MOH; yet this one person sill is demanding it be her way.
Any suggestions on how to tell her it just isn’t possible would be greatly appreciated.
We have to limit the number of guests invited to the wedding and want to invite friends of the brides mother to a “close friends and family” shower. These friends also know the bride but will not be invited to the wedding. Is this appropriate?
I would like to host an office shower for an employee so those who are not invited to the wedding may celebrate with her. However, there is not time before the wedding. Is this acceptable?
How much does the mother of the bride spend on her daughters wedding shower gift? She is only having one shower..I have no clue…the shower is tomorrow, help!
There is the trend to have more than one bridal shower. If you are invited to more than one shower, is the invitee expected to present a gift at each shower as well as a wedding gift?
i am invited to a bridal shower for one of my friends. she has been living with this guy now for over 8 years and they have 3 children together. do you get them anything. they have everything they need. and i really don’t want to go the shower.
HI, I HAVE A QUESTION. MY WEDDING IS IN OCT AND I LIVE IN WASHINGTON AND OUT WEDDING IS IN NEBRASKA. I WAS WONDERING IF THERE IS A WAY THAT I CAN ASK PEOPLE NOT TO BUY US GIFTS AND MAYBE JUST DO CASH OR GIFT CARDS? WE THINK THAT ALL THE GIFTS WILL BE HARD TO SEND BACK TO OUR HOME AND BE COSTLY. IS THERE A WAY TO DO IT BY WORD OF MOUTH OR SOMETHING SO WE DONT OFFEND ANYONE?
THANK YOU!
My sister eloped this week, are we suppose to still have a shower for her?
If you invite someone to the shower, it is proper to invite that person to the wedding for which the shower is being thrown. If you only invite someone to the shower, they feel they are being asked to the gift giving party and not to the joyous celebration.
Does everyone invited to the shower also get invited to the wedding if the wedding is out of town? I do not want people to feel they are required to buy/send 2 gifts. Thanks
Know that even though she is inviting 60, they won’t all show up. As a recent bride who had a large guest list, it was not about being a “gift-piggy”, but rather wanting to spend time with the women who were important to me in my life. If the list is 60 because she is inviting most women on her invite list, then it might be a good idea to re-evaluate the list. Inviting her cousins’ girlfriend is not necessary unless she is REALLY close with her…be sensitive to her if you are going to ask her to cut down her list. If you were planning on having a smaller shower–suggest that to her and say, I was planning on having a shower of about 20 people, do you think you could reduce your list to 30 or 40. also if there are people, other than the bridesmaids or immediate family that are going to be invited to another, maybe just invite them to one…
Remember all the bridesmaids get invited even though they may not come if they live out of town–so that can make the invite list go up, even though they will not attend.
hope this helps…