Bridal Shower Etiquette — Can You Have More Than One?
For some brides, the wedding shower amounts to a real privilege. Although it’s certainly not the case for everyone, many a bride eagerly looks forward to the time when her friends and family gather to shower her with warm wishes, attention and presents in advance of the big day.
We’ll probably never know the exact story behind the bridal shower, but one that everyone likes to tell involves a poor Dutch girl who came up against the dowry system. Since the object of her affections (a poor miller) didn’t please her father, her father refused to cough up the requisite dowry, effectively scotching the marriage.
Of course, the surrounding townsfolk knew a good story when they saw it. One by one, they gathered useful household items, enough to support a new household. But even this wasn’t romantic enough, so the entire town kept the whole thing a secret until they were able to throw a giant gift-giving party for the lucky bride.
We humans love our independence, and the practice stuck. Yes, bridal showers have endured, even though times have changed substantially, with today’s bride likely to be older, more established, and quite possibly possessing everything she needs to run a household already, thank you very much. And yet, the practice of throwing a shower is still dear to the hearts of many brides, not to mention their closest friends and kin.
Still, as popular as they remain, it’s important to follow some etiquette rules. For starters, no one wants to think of the bride as being greedy, least of all the bride herself. Yet her friends can unwittingly put her in this uncomfortable position if they don’t coordinate with each other and end up throwing too many showers.
One of today’s most frequent questions concerning showers is, “can you have more than one?” Traditionally the answer was no, but the answer is changing.
Some Helpful Rules to Go By
Brides: since your bridesmaids and maid of honor are probably hosting the shower, make sure they can access your address book and guest list, so they know who to invite and how to contact them.
Also, remember that it’s your wedding party who’s footing the bill here, so the size of your shower may depend on their budget. On one end of the spectrum, you might have a very intimate little gathering involving only your closest friends and family; on the other, you might encounter almost every female guest who was invited to your wedding. It’s up to them.
Since there’s a method to the madness called the bridal shower, namely the giving and getting of household gifts, it’s imperative that you, the bride, ensure that your friends and family don’t go crazy hosting a bunch of disconnected showers. While everyone involved just wants to honor you, and your mom probably wants to make sure you never have to go without an egg slicer or a pizza stone, these parties do involve gifts, and having too many of them can make you look greedy.
Two exceptions that are gaining ground are the office shower and the out-of-town shower.
With the office shower, many of your colleagues probably aren’t invited to the actual wedding, since they’re probably more acquaintances than bosom buddies. Still, in many cases the office will want to throw you a party and be part of that day. This is an acceptable add-on to your “primary” shower.
The other exception, the out-of-town shower, is sometimes held by friends and family that can’t attend your bridal shower personally. This comes up with brides that live elsewhere but are “coming home” to marry and have many school friends and close relations in their hometown. In this case, you wouldn’t attend the bridal shower, but the hostess would gather the presents and bring them to your reception.
Help! I’m a future SIL to the bride and a bridesmaid in her and my BIL’s wedding (my husband is a groomsman, and our 2 y/o is the flower girl). I threw the bridal shower and the bacholette shower with the MOHs for the bride’s side. My MIL (the MOG) was going to throw a shower for the couple, but my FIL is going through chemo and is sick and money is tight. I just found out this weekend that my MIL wants me to throw a shower for our side of the family in the next few weeks (their wedding is the last week of Oct). What should I do? My future SIL is upset b/c our family isn’t hosting a shower, so I want to help out, but feel we’re out time to get people invited to a shower 2 weeks. That’s if there isn’t any conflicts…plus, I live out of town. I need help!!
Katy,
First, I want to say I am sorry for your FIL health, hoping he gets better soon.
It is inappropriate for someone to ask another to host a shower, which is an optional event to host, in honor of the bride, who is never involved in the planning or expecting a shower. Also, someone from out of town should not be expected to host a shower when they live so far away. I can understand how you may feel but please do not allow someone to make you feel obligated or feel guilty that you must host shower. If you wish, you can keep in contact with the bride and offer moral support and any help that you feel you can. Hoping this helps!
My daughter is planning on getting married at the courthouse and wants to have a reception only after they are married. Is it proper to still have a bridal shower when none of the people are invited to the wedding? I think it’s like asking for gifts only. Thank you.
Cindy,
Rules are becoming more lax. There have been many hosts that decided to plan a bridal shower for reception only affairs. Proper etiquette states shower guests should also be on the wedding guest list as well but I have also read that reception only affairs becoming popular, if the guests are invited, then it is okay. Just to make sure the save the date for the reception preceeds the shower invite. Making sure the save the date has arrived before issuing the shower invite.
If someone is marring for the 3rd time do they have a bridal shower?
sister,
Yes, you can have a shower. Most encore brides focus on items other than home items, since their homes are usually established. You can register for home items if you just wish to update. Have a eye on a cool lil’ retro style mixer? Wellnow is the perfect time to add that to your list. You just may be gifted it.Or you can register for a honeymoon registry, other items you may need or want. Restaurant gift certificates? Spa gift certificates? Sky is the limit!!
I have a friend who is getting married, and has just recently bought a house with her fiance. I wanted to through a shower for her, but I do not see that happening before she is married. She was wanting to get married before she moved into the house, but the house was purchased, and they are now living in the house for a week, and they want to do things right, and get married ASAP so that was suppose to happen this week, but I think they will have a very small ceremony in their back yard with a handfull of people. So when would it be proper to have a “Shower”, or whatever I would call it seeing that she will already be married after I give her one. What would be the right thing to do?
Michelle,
Due to the situation, yes it will be fine to have after the wedding. But proper etiquette states: Only those invited to the wedding should be invited to the shower. If everyone is made aware of the small wedding and would not be offended-still wish to go to a shower, then there should not be a problem.
I do not want a shower. My FMIL is insisting because “everyone does it”. I am not registered anywhere, my fiance and i bought our house last year… i am 34 years old and have a child, i am not some twenty something blushing young bride who needs a blender. i need to replace my windows! not only has my fiancees mother hijacked the idea of a shower, she also is leaving out my matron of honor and single bridesmaid. she is however inviting my fiancees best man and co best man… my moh was going to throw a coed pre wedding potluck picnic but my fiancees mother never gave her a chance to do it or even entertained talking with her about it. this has caused fighting and angry emails from everyone. why couldn’t my fiancee’s mother just respect my wishes? why dd she feel that she has to put a show on for her friends while ignoring my friends?
Catherine,
This is improper and not having you, the brides, best interest at heart. The guest list must come from you, they cannot invite guests without looking at who you want to be there. This is not thinking of the bride, if they invite who they want there, since a shower is in your honor. Although, the hosts do get to decide the budget and the number of guests they can afford. This would be the time to step in and say something. A bride, technically, shouldn’t be involved in the planning but this is an exception. The guests invited to the shower are: mothers, grandmothers, sisters, and any close aunts etc. on both sides, bridal party are always invited, including flowergirl and mother if the shower is age appropriate, and especially your closest friends. Shower guests list should always be those closest to the bride. If it is not coed then the guys shouldnt be there, if the two are invited then all the grooms closest friends should be invited. If you have no need of a shower, then this should only be called a luncheon or a party with “no gifts”. Or specifically register at a home improvement store or gift cards. If your MOH wants to host a shower/party for you she can regardless if someone else is throwing a shower. If I was the MOH I would do a separate event, it will ease alot of fighting…hopefully. That would be my way of letting everyone know their idea is not working well. Also as bride, you could host a simple BBQ yourself just to unwind. It is difficult to tell someone they can’t host a pre wedding event. If the planning has not begun, I would just step up and say to everyone I love you and thank you but this is causing alot of stress and I want to enjoy my wedding with everyone laughing not everyone being angry. That you want all of this to be a happy time to reflect on. It may be the only way to let everyone know what this is doing to you. It also may help if your soon to be will talk to his mom. That you both are flattered with her thoughtfulness etc…. I am sorry you are going through this and I hope it gets better soon.
Hello, I have a few questions . . .
My best friend and her now fiance bought a house together before they ever had plans of getting married. I threw her a Housewarming Shower then, and that was a year or 2 ago. Well, to her surprise, he did pop the question so now I want to throw her a Bridal Shower but don’t know if it’s appropriate since the gifts the guests would normally get for them came with the Housewarming Shower.
She is also having a very small, intimate wedding in her backyard with only family and close friends. Is it inappropriate to invite some people that are not as close to the shower and not the wedding? AND, the bride-to-be has talked to me about possible registries, and she thinks that she just wants people to get her gifts cards or money because they have been remodeling their house a lot. Is that appropriate, and if so, how do I let guests know that?
I have no idea where to go from here! Please help! : )
-Tashina
Tashina,
Gift card showers are becoming popular. She should have registries and have a “few” items for her home for guests who like tradition and then have the option of gift cards for the majority. This is one of those tricky situations where hosting a shower can fall on the fence. While proper etiquette states anyone on the shower list should also be on the wedding list, with a limited amount of space, it can be doable but usually not recommended. As long as everyone knows and accepts the idea that they are invited to the shower and not the wedding. Only those closest to the bride and the groom( immediate family, close friends, bridal party and any other close relative or friend)should be invited. Rule of thumb is, if there is a large space and those people could be invited to the wedding then they should be also. But if there is a small backyard and only a few can be invited then bending the rules to have a shower can be okay( still depending on how others feel, some want to attend a shower regardless of a wedding invite) I would however, consider more of a coed shower, which will seem more like a reception for those not invited. Like a BBQ or something casual, having it ahead of the wedding so others can join in the celebration. If there is a way and anyone can be added to the wedding list it would be alot better. Every situation is different, so I try to answer best on that. For more info google search gift certificate bridal shower. Hope this helps!!
We are giving a bridal tea for a friend who was getting married on May 21, but has now eloped. She still wants a tea, but what do the invitations need to say?
Jenny,
Unfortunately, it is improper etiquette to host a party that includes gift giving since the couple eloped. If there is a tea without gifts then that is okay. If she is having a post reception ( which, instead of a tea it could be turned into a post reception with close family and friends), then a gift giving event is also okay. On the invites just do like a normal “tea” invite.
Please join us for a
Bridal tea
Honoring
Rachel Lea Thompson Berringer
Saturday June 11th at 2 P.M.
Jenny ( last name) Home and address
R.S.V.P to Jenny
Phone number
( Put contact info and rsvp in lower right hand side of invite)
Jenny,
If this is a tea instead of traditonal shower, then you can also put “No gifts please” under phone number.
Hello,
I am hosting a bridal shower for a friend. When we initially sat down, I told her my home could accommodate 20 to 25 people comfortably. I offered to do this thinking she did not have another shower planned.
Come to find out, she has 4 other showers. I am in the wedding party and hosting the 5th.
When the guest list was sent to me for invitation purposes, it had 36 names. I called her and once again reminded her of the space constraints. She then gave me 5 more names.
I now have a guest list of over 40 people. There is no way to accommodate all of these people.
Would it be inappropriate to call her and explain that I have worried about this for days and need a resolution. Once again explain the space limitations and kindly ask her to cut the list to 20 guests?
Thank you in advance for your help.
Leigh,
Actually, you as the host would get to decide how many you can afford and accomodate. If there is more added to the guest list etc. she should pay for their costs. You should invite, immediate family, friends, bridal party. if the grooms side is having one then you only need to send a thoughtful invite to the grooms mother, grandmothers, sisters. When dealing with multiple showers, you need to recheck the guest on the other lists( other than the ones I stated), invite the brides mother, grandmothers, sisters, bridal party, flwoer girl and mother( if no alcohol, inappropriate items at shower), brides closest friends. If guests on the list she gave you are on the other guest lists, it may be best to plan a intimate outing where the bridal party/bride goes to lunch and spa day etc. pamering is always welcome and it gives you all a chance to unwind before the big day and not have to deal with larger crowds etc. When planning this,the bridal party pays for their own way but pays for a “service” for the bride. manis and pedis are always a good idea too. In that case, bridal party could gift the bride with manis and pedis an d the lunch. A less stressful pre wedding event.
How many bridal showers is too many? I know a bride to be and she and her fiance are having 5 wedding showers. One thrown by her family, one thrown by his mothers side, one thrown by his fathers side, and two thrown by two different churches, and at least one of the parties was a requested party by the couple. Am I just old fashioned or is that too many?
Angela,
It is becoming a trend for multiple bridal showers. Actually one is traditional and two is more than sufficient. Five is considered to be over the top. It can depend if there is remarried parents etc. Sometimes it can be the best for everyone, if there are multiple showers. It depends on the circumstances. The key factor is the guests should not be invited to more than one shower, unless its the immediate family of either side and the bridal party is usually included, yet has the option of attending just one. if a guest is invited to more than one shower, bringing a gift to each additional shower is not required. You are not old fashioned, I love the idea of tradition myself. One shower with all those closest to the bride.
I agree that it a lot depends on circumstances. My daughter is not getting married in our home town, but in the college town where she is now living, and the groom’s family is from a third town! So there are people throwing her showers in each area, because they are all totally different social circles.
One shower would be ideal in a perfect world…if everyone got married in the same town they grew up in and the groom and his family was also from the same town. I don’t know how often that happens anymore, though, in our current culture!
But, I know where you are coming from — it would definitely be cheaper and simpler for everyone involved! Actually, it is turning out to be a bit expensive for us, the bride’s family, because we feel obligated to give a little hostess gift to all the hostesses!
Stacie
Several questions.My son and his fiance live out of state. My son’s fiance is having a shower hosted by her aunt in her home town which is two hours from my son’s hometown. Her aunt has invited myself and any family of my son to the shower. Most of our family can’t make it due to the distance.
Thought that I could get one of my son’s fiance bridesmaids to host a second shower in my home town (where they will be married), but most are attending the other shower and don’t want to host another.
Is it appropriate for my daughter (who is a bridesmaid) and I to host a second shower at my house (MOG) and invite grooms family, close friends of mine and just MOB and close relatives of the bride ?
Sarah
Sarah,
When planning the shower, make sure that the guest list is not the same. Those invited to this shower should be: bridal party, immediate family of the bride, immediate family of the groom( including: grooms mother, grandmother, sisters) the grooms side will have the option of attending the second if they wish. Others invited would be those closest friends to the bride. If there are any others that are close to the family this would be thoughtful also. If the shower is appropriate( no alcohol or lingerie items) for children, then inviting the flowergirl and her mother would be also be invited.
Of course. Old etiquette states that family members should not host but that has changed. Nowdays, pretty much anyone can host.
I am getting married this summer. My fiance’s sister is one of our bridesmaids, even though she’s been upset and rude since the day we got engaged (she’s been with her boyfriend longer than me and my fiance, but they’re still not planning to get married for a couple of more years. She’s older than me, too.)
My MOH is throwing a shower for my friends and my side of the family. Where I’m from, there is traditionally a shower for each side of the family. For the groom’s family, it’s a way to get to know the bride and welcome her in to the family.
My future mother-in-law has requested to add their side of the family to the guest list. It more than DOUBLES the size of the shower, and puts quite a strain on my MOH.
Even though it’s not a rule, shouldn’t the sister, who is a bridesmaid, offer to have a shower for their side of the family? I’ve NEVER heard of inviting everyone to one shower. I’ve never even met half the people they want to invite, and I think it seems greedy to have someone they don’t know (my MOH) invite them to a shower for someone else they don’t know (me). It would seem more appropriate to get invited to a shower hosted by someone’s neice/cousin/granddaughter (my fiance’s sister). If she’s not willing to have a shower, should my MOH still be responsible for inviting all these people I don’t know? Wouldn’t it seem like a nice thing for her to do, as a bridesmaid, so I can meet his side of the family and get to know them (in a non-awkward situation)?
Sarah,
The MOH must decide on the budget she can afford. If anyone adds guests to the list, FMIL should pay for those guests. The shower should not be larger than 35 guests as a rule. Some are larger nowadays but are meant to be personal. It should include mothers, grandmothers, sisters, and any close aunts from both sides, bridal party, flowergirl(if the shower is not an adult affair with alcohol or lingerie) and those friends closest to the bride. Since the FMIL is only requesting then the Moh or whoever is gonna handle the issue will need to let her know there is no budget for extra guests unless he pays or the venue is accounted for in headcount or capacity. Shoers are a optional event, so unless someone steps up and hosts one on the grooms side then no. If there will be only one shower then those closest to the groom should be invited too. ( as mentioned any close aunts etc). Your MOH should not pay for this, as this is rude behavior. You as the bride actually makes the guests list, but the MOH still decides if it is to many guests therefore narrowing it down. Still difficult to decide then use this: Rule of thumb, Immediate family, bridal party, and those who as close” like family”should be on the guest list,even if combined family shower. It would be a nice gesture for someone on his side to host. IF they do, immediate family on brides side, bridal party-including flowergirl and her mother, then the same on grooms side except it will be those closest to the groom at that shower. Its the same just vice versa. They may choose to invite more in that case on his side.
I am in a wedding for my cousin and I am throwing her a shower. She also had an engagement party and she is having 2 other showers. Now, she wants a couples shower too! Isn’t that a bit much? I thought you were supposed to choose what type of shower you want and that was it.
Kelly,
The bride cant choose a shower being thrown for her unless someone decides to host it. yes this is alot of showers etc. It is not necessary to host another one.
Kelly, my apologies, I meant the bride shouldn’t request a shower, it is a thoughtful event thrown in her honor but not mandatory. The only thing she provides is the guest list which the hosts get to decide the budget and how many they can afford. After the hosts decide on the budget then they can tell the bride how many they can afford. It might be suggested if the bride and groom want a lil’ preparty of their own they could host it for a little R&R.
As MOG, I learned our side of the family is not invited to the bride’s family shower. This is fine, and a shower will be given, but is it true that the groom’s family has to wait until after the bride’s family shower to have theirs? If that is the case, there is no time left as the bride’s family shower is only a few weeks before the wedding. I have read nothing that states that, but just want some input.
Patty,
MOG Etiquette/ Posted from The Knot: Also, to avoid stepping on any toes, host your shower after the fact, not before. Remember, the point of a shower is for all of the women close to the bride to come together for a few hours of gift-giving, good eats, and female bonding. If the two camps aren’t able to mingle, everyone should try to keep the bride’s interests at heart and go from there.
You can host a bridal shower up to a couple of weeks before the shower. It is proper for them to invite the immediate females of the grooms side( mothers, grandmothers, sisters of the groom to the bridal shower) since tradition states usually one shower is given. If theirs is a few weeks before then I would get in touch with the bride and ask when she would be available for one on your side of the family.
Still I would invite her mother, grandmothers, sisters, and bridal party- as a thoughtful thing to do( they have the option to attend or not). I would make the shower simple, easy, and meaningful or take the bride and groom with your side of the family to a bridal shower dinner. Would be very nice.
I am the MOH in my sister’s wedding and will be throwing her a Bridal Shower. My mother lives in another state and won’t show up for the wedding till a couple days prior but would like me to throw the shower the day before the rehearsal so she will be in town. My sister doesn’t want to have it then since it is a weekday and everyone has to work. Should I wait until my mother is able to attend or schedule it earlier and then have a dinner with just family for when she is in town…Also, my mother is insisting it is normal for the Groom’s side to host there own bridal shower as she wanted it to only be family at the bridal shower (no friends or grooms family). What is the correct ettiquette?
Elisha,
It is proper to invite the grooms mother, sisters, grandmothers Or anyone, like an aunt close to the groom, is very thoughtful. Some grooms families do have another shower for the grooms side to invite more of the ladies. But I would check with her first. In addition to the brides shower invited guests should also be: any close friends to the bride and family( same relation as grooms side). having the bridal shower the day before rehearsal could be very stressful, it should be a tad bit earlier. If your sister doesnt want to have it then, then I definitely wouldn’t plan it for that day. It would be nice to have your mom there, as I am sure she would love to be. Due to scheduling, you may have to gather up the bride, your mom, and the bridal party and head out to get some pampering ( relaxing manis and pedis) and grab lunch, make it a girls day out. That way you all can have bonding time together before the big day. Due to the circumstances the bride may not get a shower if you wait til scheduling for your mom to arrive. Remember it is very important to ask the bride when she would like it to be held( again due to planning)
Elisha,
* etiquette
A bridal shower is optional and the grooms family hosting one would be optional. Only one shower is traditional though. Never host a shower without extending an invite to the grooms side( close family members and friends). It can cause problems in an otherwise happy celebration and beyond.
Hi, I am getting married and very lucky to have so many people offering to through showers for me however it is making things a little confusing. If someone throws a couples shower that is low key can the ladies be invited to a shower, shower? Thanks!
Christine,
Yes! Both friends of the bride and groom will be there to receive gifts.
* tips
Hi,
My son & future daughter-in-law are getting married in Jamaica. They have lived together for seven years. Is it still appropriate to throw a bridal shower for her?
Amber,
yes it is fine. If they are eloping then I wouldnt have a bridal shower. Destination wedding? She can have a bridal shower if there will a post reception back home or only those invited to the destination wedding should be invited to the bridal shower.