The Basics of Bridal Shower Etiquette
While showers have evolved into something more relaxed in recent years, you should still know the basics of bridal shower etiquette to avoid a chance of offending anyone.
Since there will probably be disparate groups at the shower — friends, family and co-workers, usually — it's important to understand how everyone should interact. Especially in the case of family: mothers and grandmothers can place great weight on proper bridal shower etiquette, so make sure you know "the rules"!
The Maid of Honor's usually the person who plans and organizes the bridal shower. If she lives out of town, however, it's fine for someone else to do the honors.
Don't take over without checking with her, though. It's her privilege, and you should always ask her before assuming anything. If you're going to do it for her, make sure you keep her comfortably involved through frequent emails and phone calls.
Bridal shower etiquette traditionally says that a shower should take place at least four to six weeks before the wedding. This is just for practical reasons — the bride's going to be too busy any closer to the ceremony — but if she's coming home only two weeks before the wedding, talk to her and see how she feels about having a shower in her honor so close to the wedding. Chances are, she'll think that's fine if most of her friends can manage to come.
There's been an uncomfortable trend in recent years for large showers, where nearly everyone the bride knows gets an invite. This isn't quite what the bridal shower is supposed to be, though. At least by tradition, a bridal shower's meant to be a small, intimate gathering of the bride's closest friends and family. Proper etiquette dictates a group of no more than ten to twenty guests.
Who the guest list should include: the wedding party, the mothers of the bride and groom, sisters of the bride and groom, and the bride's closest friends and/or coworkers. Contrary to some recent practices, it probably shouldn't include every woman invited to the wedding.
Finally, bridal shower etiquette means making a special point of including the wedding party members ... and the mothers. Ask each of these people to take on some particular responsibility, whether it's recording a list of the givers as the gifts are opened, or running the party games. This will help everyone feel like a key part of this special day.
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I have 2 sister-in-laws who have had nothing to do with our family but now want to throw a bridal shower for my step-daughter. Her mother and I have already started planning a shower - the maid of honor is the brides sister who is still in college and has no money so we are doing the shower - how do i tell my sisters-in-law that have nothing normally to do with our family to butt out now?
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Nancy,
I would suggest they have another shower. It is difficult to tell someone not to host a party/shower.
My sisters will be hosting a bridal shower for my future daughter-in-law. The wedding will take place hours away from our home town, consequently, several of my close friends will not be invited to the wedding. Is it always considered in poor taste to invite people to the shower who are not invited to the wedding? Thank you.
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Tammy,
Yes, I would have any guests on both guest lists. It is improper to do so unless it is a coworker shower. That is the exception.
A friend of mine is getting married and she just told the bridal party that her bridal shower list (put together by her mother) is between 90-95 people! She mentioned that her mother may help in the cost but it’s still looking to be a pretty expensive shower. The bride has also mentioned a possible desitination bachelorette party. Is there a polite way to let the bride know that the costs are getting out of hand? (I myself am in another wedding a month after hers and I know the other bridesmaids don’t have a lot of money). THANKS!
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Jaime, Hi!
It is up to the hosts what type shower will be given and how much. The brides only duty in the shower is the guest list. The hosts should get together and finalize a budget and plan on that set budget, the bride cannot set the budget. I hope this helps!!
I am throwing a bridal shower for my close friends daughter. I had in mind a small 15-20 person intimate shower. The future Mother-in-law wants to invite 20+ people just from her side. The bride does not know what to do and does not want to insult anyone, but I am not prepared to pay for 40+ people, nor will that many people fit comforatbly in my home where I was planning on having the shower, what should I do?
Linda,
Actually the bride makes the guest list. So I would just have her make one up and give it to you. it should consist of people who she is close too.
I’m planning a bridal shower for my friend, who is getting married in the summer. I have a couple of questions:
1.) Do I need to match the color theme of the bridal shower to her wedding colors?
2.) There are 8 bridesmaids, but I’ll probably do most, if not all of the planning. I feel like it would be inappropriate to ask them to chip in for the price of the bridal shower, am I right? Also, should I try to include them?
Thanks so much!
Laura,
I would choose complimetary colors for the venue the shower is taking place. You can choose to use her colors but that is optional. Yes, I would ask them if they would like to be involved in the planning/host. It would give them an option of not having to plan one of their own if they were. ( combine forces so to speak), leaving the decision to them of course. Happy planning!!
I am the mother of the groom and would like to give a bridal shower for my son’s fiancee’. They live out-of-state and so does the bride’s family. Is this okay to do?
Mary
Mary Joyce,
Etiquette states family and mothers shouldn’t throw showers but I say anything goes nowdays! The rules of etiquette are slowly but surely changing wedding to wedding, becoming more and more personal ideas and bringing in “new” traditions that suit their lifestyle. In the South that is all I see is family throwing bridal showers. So go for it! Happy Planning!
I would like to host a shower for my nephews bride-to-be. I know that traditionaly only those who are on the guest list are invited to the shower. However, I would like to have a shower/pre-wedding party for her at our church with the church family and our local immediate family. Most of the church family will not receive an invitation to the wedding since it is taking place 5hrs away and is an after 6 wedding. (The majority of the church family are seniors.) During the past year the bride has attended our church at least twice a month. She is well liked by everyone and is part of our church family. I am expecting her to have at least three showers. One with her home friends and family, one at the university where she now attends (8hrs away) and one here with his family. Under the circumstances would it be ok to host a shower/pre-wedding party and include the church family eventhough they will not receive an invitation to the wedding>
Robin,
If the church ladies want to do this and don’t mind but if they “expect an invite” then I would reconsider.
My daughter-in-law to-be bridesmaids dresses are black with a lime green sash. As the mother of the groom, would it be proper if I wore a black dress too? I have no idea what color the brides mother is wearing.
Debbie,
usually the mothers don’t wear the same color as the bridal party. I would go with another neutral or color. Look into a beautiful shade of green even, as long as its a shade that flatters your skintone. A nice champagne or pewter would look pretty also.
I am the step mother in law to be and am hosting a small personal shower for my future step daughter in law. On the invites it has a space that says “Hosted by”. My question is what should I put? Should I put step mother in law to be with my name? Mother in law to be with my name? Or just my name? By the way, my step son’s mother lives out of state and really has no inter action with the bride to be-don’t even think she is coming to the wedding. I will be the involved “mother in law”. Thanks!
Kathy,
Just your name, it is not necessary to put your relationship title.
* tips on addressing
Is it improper to address a bridal shower invitation to a guest using only their first name?
Mary,
It is proper to write: Mrs. Beth Smith instead of Beth Smith.
* etiquette
Is it rude to put on the bridal shower invitation where the bride is registered at?
Stacy,
Not at all. It is very appropriate to put it on the bridal shower invites! It is the wedding invites that is inappropriate to mention gift registry info!
So, my sister is getting married in Oct and we’re starting to plan the shower which we plan to hold in June sometime (I know it’s early but it’s what worked best for everone). Anyway, my Mom was asking if it’s okay to hold a separate party for people that aren’t invited to the wedding due to space. These people are generally co-workers of my Mom who all of us girls have known for years and friends from the barn that my sister rides at. She friends with all of these people but no close enough with to exclude other friends or family from the limited wedding invite list.
So is it okay to do something informal like this so that they can celebrate my sister’s marriage with her?
Rachel,
Coworkers are the exception to the rule. If the friends at the barn are more like coworkers then yes it will be fine, otherwise they need to be on the guest list.
Thanks Stacey. I’ll pass the word on to my Mom. I also told her about Curious Mom’s idea of a post reception and she seemed to really like that idea. It seems like a nice way to get all of these people together without really offending them. :)
My fiance and I initially put a deposit down to have our wedding at a golf course unfortunately, we changed our mind about the place. My dilemma is this, I know that traditionally, the MOH throws the bridal shower for the bride but would it be inappropriate if we use the money towards my bridal shower instead? The deposit is more than enough to cover the whole party.
Rochelle,
Actually it can be inappropriate. A bride should never throw her own bridal shower, due to bridal showers being optional for someone to throw. It will appear the bride is the host if she pays for it. You could put it elsewhere in your wedding budget or you could stash it away for your honeymoon or pay off debts, savings, or something for your home. It is the moh or other hosts responsibility to pay for the shower as it is like a gift in itself to honor the bride.
One option if you still want to have a party is be a host of a bridal party luncheon or a coed bbq to relax with everyone before the big day. Or splurge and give the bm manis and pedis, or help them with the cost of their dresses or attire. I think it is a thoughful idea but unfortunately inappropriate.
If you still decide to go against the grain and pay for your shower,AFTER, you find out someone is throwing you one then do so discreetly. It would be highly improper to suggest someone throw you a shower.
Hope this helps!!!!
I am the Maid of Honor and am planning a bridal shower for the bride. In bridal shower ediquette is it appropriate for the mother of the groom to plan a bridal shower on a date prior to my bridal shower date? Also is it appropriate for both of us to invite the wedding party? May I add that we both live in the same city. Any help anyone can give would be greatly appreciated
trista,
Proper etiquette states that mothers/family members are not supposed to throw a shower for the bride. Nowdays, anything goes. The wedding party is always included on the bridal shower list.If the bridal party has chipped in with the bridal party or given a gift themselves then no other gifts are required. The bridal party may choose not to go to every shower which is optional. So I would just shrug it off and proceed in my plans for a great shower for the bride to be. Multiple showers are becoming the norm now. It may be exhausting back to back showers but the date/planning is left up to the hosts. The bride is so lucky to have people who want to share in such a great time in her life and honor her with celebrations.
Little over a year ago my sister was engaged we threw a shower for her of course. Three days before the wedding she calls it off, we were very happy to say the least, but that is another story. Now she is engaged again to this great guy. We need to throw another shower because the grooms side obviously wants to have one. The problem is the brides side already gave gifts last time, my sister also did not keep her list of who gave what, so my original idea is out. What do I do? I don’t want the brides side to feel obligated to give again, but it will be kind of weird at the party when only the grooms side has gifts. Could lead to a boring party. Help please!! Thanks in advance.
Jessica,
Noone that gave a gift is required to do so again. However, if theywanted to get a small gift then that is optional. Usually when the grooms side gives a shower it is their side of the family so unless they are combining both sides then you are all off the hook. I wouldn’t sweat it and just tell everyone gift giving is totally optional. One suggestion could be having a more nontraditional shower since she got a lot of that stuff before?!? a honeymoon theme shower ( google search this for great ideas). How fun would that be!
Thank you Stacey!! I’m in the same boat as Jessica (though I’m the bride to be, not my sister). I was thinking of hosting my own “shower” with my bridal party’s help as just a “Thankyou for your support to both of us over the years” kind of thing. Gifts were going to optional and we would still register because I know that some of my closest friends and family would want to give us something. But we’re both established now and don’t really need anything.
Your comment is a huge help because now I know that my idea is the right one and that it’s okay to do. Thank you!!
Jessica: Good luck with your sister’s wedding. :)
Hi I am hostessing my friends bridal shower(i am not the maid of honor, she is out of town). We are going to have a tea party at a beautiful restaurant. What is the etiquette on paying for the party? I have a price per head. If i am to expect everyone to pay for there own should i include the price in the invitations? I also have to put a 20% deposit.
thanks for your help…
Shyann,
The hosts planning the party is also responsible for the entire costs including food. It is considered improper etiquette to invite a guests to a party and ask them to pay for their meal.
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I come from two very large families and also have my step-father’s family and my dad’s girlfriend and her mother. My MOH (my aunt, moms sister) and I came up with a list that included all immediate women of the 3 sides, a few 2nd cousins ( who are closer to me than than the 1st cousins), my fiancee’s family and a couple work friends. The Final number totalled 105!
I have counted each side and the largest is from my moms side totalling 44women.
That being said my MOH suggested 2 seperate shower however:
1) since the largest number is my moms side and all the work friends and my step-fathers side would be more comfortable at a party with them than my dad’s side (who they’ve never met) dividing it seems pointless.
2)I am not particularly close with my dad’s immediate family, I do not anticipate them to volunteer to throw me a shower and would feel very odd asking them throw one.
Ever since my parents divorce I’ve had two seperate parties (b-days, first communion, graduation, etc.) Im not sure if this situation still applies to that 2-party way of life I’ve had.
My MOH (aunt) said we would just throw one at her house but that is ALOT of women, I am just so very confused on how to handle everything!!
So I guess any and all advice in this situation will be helpful!
Jennifer,
As the bride to be your only suppose to comeup with a guest list. SInce there are alot of guests, the hosts could find a banquet hall big enough but reasonable enough to hold the shower. I would have nothing more than cake and punch due to the number of guests. It would keep it simple and perfectly appropriate. I would have someone put some feelers out to see if a second bridal shower is in the works. Due to the situation the hosts could better prepare for your shower. A shower is an optional party but it would make it simpler if there were two.
In response to the other comment, if I had a bridal shower with only cake and punch my family would have a fit. They would consider me cheap and get mad, because they would bring a good gift and only get cake and punch.
There is no reason why your immediate family could not pitch in and bring a dish. Even if you had to have lunch meat and someone make macaroni salad, it would be better then just cake and punch. I had a lunch meat tray at the shower I gave my daughter, but I made a huge rigatoni and meatballs with noodle casserole that fed an army.
You know that everyone will not show up. Consider looking at your metro parks. They may have wonderful indoor pavilions that look like you spent a mint on, but in reality they are cheaper then renting tables and chairs and you don’t have to worry if it rains, because it’s indoors. These pavilions fill up fast, so you have to act quick.
I would invite everyone and whoever comes, comes.
When I had my daughter’s shower, I went to garage sales and bought things cheap for prizes that were new in boxes for a quarter and a dime and everyone was shocked at how beautiful everything came out. I found a group of little shades for 10 cents and made 12 little lamps as centerpieces. I had flowers from a craft sale and bought little lights from garage sales that lit up with batteries for 25 cents. See picture if it came out.
Look on Craigslist and eBay and you may find an auction that has a huge lot from leftovers from a wedding that they are selling dirt cheap. Your garage and estate sales are the best bet.
I am the one who had the Victorian Bridal shower for my daughter and I bought tea cups for each guest as a party favor, but these were only pennies. The shower looked so elegant and everyone remarked it was the best party they had ever been to.
Good Luck
I was previously engaged but we called it off before the wedding. At that shower, my family did a pot luck and it was great. It was help in a church hall, so it was inexpensive to rent and they already had chairs and tables so my family didn’t need to rent that.
My shower invites went out with recipe cards for everyone to fill in and bring with them. Maybe ask people to make their favorite dish and bring the recipe on a card for the bride to be. That way everyone can sample the dish and you’re more likely to get a variety and not just mac and cheese and brownies. :)
If cost is a concern, talk to your closest family members and see if they’d be willing to pitch in a little to help out. That way it isn’t all on the bridal party to pay for.
Good luck!!!
A friend of mine is gettiong married within 6 months of her sister so they are planning a dual wedding shower so that the families and friends dont have to travel for 2 seperate parties since they live in other parts of the country. How do they write thier invitations so that there guests understand that gifts are not required for each sister if they do not know the other.
andrea,
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For our daughter’s wedding, we are having a small country wedding of about 180 people (with our contacts we could have 500!) two hours away from the expensive city where we live. For about 75 additional friends who we will not be able to fit into the tiny country church and wedding venue, we would like to host a post wedding reception in our home right after the honeymoon (hor d’oevres, cake and champagne). This might have the effect of being a co-ed shower, but we would not call it that. We are thinking we could position it this way: “In consideration for our friends for whom an out-of-town wedding might be difficult, we would love for you to celebrate the marriage of (bride and groom) at a post wedding reception at the home of (bride’s parents). Hor d’oevres, cake and champagne…time, location, etc.” Would this be appropriate? Should we include the registry information in that invitation? Or just wait for folks to inquire about gifts when they RSVPd?
curious mother, love the idea; very thoughtful!
* here are some examples. I would keep it simple and omit the in consideration……
Our son got married in a civil ceremony last year,and they are planning a formal religious ceremony in June. A friend wants to give them a shower next month. Can it still be called a “bridal” shower or should it be called something else?
John,
Yes it can be called a bridal shower. I hope you all have a wonderful time!