The Basics of Bridal Shower Etiquette
While showers have evolved into something more relaxed in recent years, you should still know the basics of bridal shower etiquette to avoid a chance of offending anyone.
Since there will probably be disparate groups at the shower — friends, family and co-workers, usually — it's important to understand how everyone should interact. Especially in the case of family: mothers and grandmothers can place great weight on proper bridal shower etiquette, so make sure you know "the rules"!
The Maid of Honor's usually the person who plans and organizes the bridal shower. If she lives out of town, however, it's fine for someone else to do the honors.
Don't take over without checking with her, though. It's her privilege, and you should always ask her before assuming anything. If you're going to do it for her, make sure you keep her comfortably involved through frequent emails and phone calls.
Bridal shower etiquette traditionally says that a shower should take place at least four to six weeks before the wedding. This is just for practical reasons — the bride's going to be too busy any closer to the ceremony — but if she's coming home only two weeks before the wedding, talk to her and see how she feels about having a shower in her honor so close to the wedding. Chances are, she'll think that's fine if most of her friends can manage to come.
There's been an uncomfortable trend in recent years for large showers, where nearly everyone the bride knows gets an invite. This isn't quite what the bridal shower is supposed to be, though. At least by tradition, a bridal shower's meant to be a small, intimate gathering of the bride's closest friends and family. Proper etiquette dictates a group of no more than ten to twenty guests.
Who the guest list should include: the wedding party, the mothers of the bride and groom, sisters of the bride and groom, and the bride's closest friends and/or coworkers. Contrary to some recent practices, it probably shouldn't include every woman invited to the wedding.
Finally, bridal shower etiquette means making a special point of including the wedding party members ... and the mothers. Ask each of these people to take on some particular responsibility, whether it's recording a list of the givers as the gifts are opened, or running the party games. This will help everyone feel like a key part of this special day.
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I am a bridesmaid in my sister-in-law-to-be wedding, her MOH and I are hosting a small shower and when we recieved the guest list from the bride, it is full of her friends and family only, how can we politely ask her to cut her list down to include some of the grooms’ family as well? or is it simply up to the bride who attends her shower? I can’t help but think it would be rude to exclude close family members in favor of old H.S. friends…..HELP!
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me,
first i would ask her is the grooms side gonna throw a shower too? it could be a simple oversight. the bride does give the guests list, i woud ask her if she wants to invite the grooms mother and female relatives, cause it may cause some hurt feelings. it could be she doesnt know this is the way of the bridal shower. show her some links online in case she doesnt.
*bridal shower who to invite
Invite the bride’s and groom’s mothers, any other female relatives, bridal attendants and close friends of the bride to a traditional shower.
My daughter has a friend that is getting married and she is a bride’s maid. I am a hostess of the bridal shower and contributed to the hostess gift, but my daughter is just considered just a guest. How do we handle the gift situation?
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michelle,
if she wasnt a host and the bm werent contributing to the hostess gift, it would have been better to buy a separate gift under the circumstances. it would be best to give her $$$ back on the hostess gift and let her buy a separate gift. it will make it look like the other bm werent involved and could hurt some feelings when the hostess gift card is read allowed and her name is mentioned and not theirs, they may feel like they werent given the chance to pitch in even if it was optional. i would for sure return her portion of the $$$. it would be much easier to do this. good luck!!
I am a bridesmaid for a coworker, the MOH is her sister I recieved an invitation to a bridal shower which seems as if it is being hosted by the mother of the bride. I have never met her mother as she lives in another state. The shower is tomorrow and I got an e-mail this morning saying I would be responsible for the cost of the shower along with the other bridesmaids. I was not involved in the planning and it sounds as if it will be a pretty expensive event. How do handle this situation?
Dee,
since you were not given a heads up and involved in any of the planning, you are not required to pay for any of the shower, unless you choose to, then you can contribute what you think is best, but prepare for potential drama.
here is a “similar” situation….
*bridal party tips
Is it appropriate to exclude children from the bridal shower? If so, how would one word this on the invitation? I fear the kids will detract from the shower, and the location is not kid-friendly.
shannon,
*bridal shower tips
just put adults only, please in bottom left hand corner
I am hosting a bridal shower for my niece. I’ve planned for several years to do this when the time came and would like to do it on my own. A couple relatives offered to help, and one of them seemed determined to be a part of it, though I tried to tactfully decline her offer. Rather than argue about it, I finally asked if she would agree to take care of the guest favors, and centerpieces if needed. The shower will be held at a restaurant. Invitations will be going out soon and I need to know if I should show this individual as a co-hostess on them? I will be paying for everything except the favors (and possible centerpieces).
susanne,
if she is contributing a little or alot, she is considered a host. just add hers, yours, and others who are pitching in to help with the shower! how lucky you are to have people to help out!! good luck!
How would you word an invitation asking a small group of people to a lunch with the bride? I want to make it clear that the invitees will be paying for their own lunch, without being super obvious. Any ideas?
I would send out a email not a invitation if you want the individuals to pay. and have the email say lets get together for Lunch with the bride. Let me know who can make it and Ill set a reservations maybe even attach the menu to see if all can afford
courtney, i agree with you. it suppose to be casual and simple. with a heading Let’s Get Together For Lunch!!
if guests will be paying for their own meal. moit anything that says hosting or request your presence. that is clearly responsible for the events financial end.
I’m the mother of the groom and have been invited to a wedding shower for my son & daughter-in-law in another state. I can’t afford to fly there and my son is fine with that. I’m on a very tight budget and will be paying for a large rehearsal dinner party at a destination wedding. With airfare, hotel expenses and the rehearsal dinner which will be at a restaurant, plus a wedding gift, my budget is being stretched beyond capacity. My question is, should I send them a shower gift if I’m not attending?
In light of all you are doing for you son and daughter-in-law, I would say, “no.” Instead, send them a card and enclose a letter telling them how much you love them and how proud you are to be the mom and future mom-in-law of such a wonderful couple. Perhaps you can enclose some pictures of your son growing up, telling them how thrilled you are to see him approach the next big milestone in life with such a beautiful woman.
Just before the shower, give your son son and future DIL a call and explain why you won’t be sending a gift for the shower.
carol,
i agree with Kim i wouldnt worry about a shower gift. if you still want to just make it very reasonable. like a gift certificate to a food outing. it doenst have to be expensive. usually someone brings a gift to the wedding if they cant make it to the shower. but i would make an exception in this case and just forego the gift. good luck!!
http://www.restaurant.com great gift certs for CHEAP!!!!!!!
I think some kind of gift is nice. I also agree with Kim about sending pictures. My mother and I are spending a lot more then we think is necessary for a wedding so when it comes to a gift at every shower my mom decided to make a small photo album of pictures of my brother to give to his new bride. It’s pretty cheap, we’re just color copying our originals and getting a $2 photo album, not too big and making that our gift. I think it’s a lot more meaningful and it’s very inexpensive.
Good luck!
Heck yeah, you need to send a gift. IT’s your son’s wedding!!! It doesn’t have to be expensive, but you should send something thoughtful. If it wasn’t your own son, you might get away with it, but why are you dickering over a gift that could be as small as a 50 dollar gift. You’re son will appreciate it more than you know.
I am the bride. It is my second marriage and my fiance’s first. My fiance and I have owned a home together for 3 years. I did not want a shower as we have all we need for our home and my friends and family have already provided this once for me (14 years ago). Instead I would like to host a ladies luncheon to thank my friends and family for their support. Is this OK? If so How should I word the invitation?
joan,
what a wonderful thought. i just love to see different ideas in weddings.
*wording
*invitation wording
i absolutely love this one i found, its elegant yet lighthearted…..
You are cordially invited to a
Bridal Luncheon
Date
Time
Place
Addressr>City, State
Thank you for being by my side and helping prepare for our special day!
Given with
love and appreciation by
Bride’s name
Please say, “I Do” by ….
so i have a bit of an issue. im the moh for my bestest friends wedding. i want everything to be perfect and wonderful for her but it’s a bit tough. there are 6 girls in the bp including myself and we are all aready putting out so much money just for the wedding day itself. the bride has a huge family and so does the groom. i was told that the guest list for the BRIDAL SHOWER itself will be like 75 ppl. ( craziness if you as me). anyway each girl has to put down $75 just for the room. ( that doesn’t include any decorations or food at all. its just the room and tables and chairs for 4 hours.) im really trying to only have to spend 150 per girl. once the room is paid for we are only left with $450 for decorations, cake, invatations, favors, gifts. we’ve already decided to ask the family to make food. this wedding is like one of those $40,000 weddings. ( mine was 5000 all together so this is greek to me) i need to figure out ways to cut costs for us girls without compromising the (for lack of a better word) fanciness of her wedding. would it be ok for me to make handmade invitations? is it ok to just have handmade wedding favors? like toole and mints? if there is really going to be that many people there we have to keep it as inexpensive per person as possible. i need all the help i can get… did i also say this is the first wedding i’ve ever been in? please please please…some advice
amber,
i have an idea. i want to treat this shower as if planning a wedding. i would do a simple dessert “reception”. have an assortment of desserts only, simple punch, waters, and coffee will work just fine. for a more sophisticated palette, dessert and champagne. plan this shower for the “in between” hours when guests will not expect an entire meal. go to your local supermarket bakery and pick up or order a beautiful cake with roses trailing down the side. when i first read your comment, i was thinking omg! a coffee and dessert reception fits the bill. think of it like your going to your local coffee or book store. there is nothing better than a simple “tea” either. if you want simple dainty sandwiches, cake, fruit and veggie trays, condiments, cookies, crackers and cheese. with coffee, soda, tea, etc. just whatever you prefer.i have to admit, our southern showers are simple, i have been to several and ours are cake and punch. it is perfect, since a “shower” is thought of like the afternoon tea party. light refreshments only. as for favors, i wouldnt worry about those, you can choose to have tulle and mints but in this case i would put $$$ elsewhere. for decor, dont go all out. depending on the tables and the room. simple potted herbs, or a single, tall, rose in a vase will be just fine. go to walmart or your local supermarket flower aisle and pick up roses for $10 a dozen. maybe more inyour area. or check out the other flower bunches at walmart. sometimes a little clipping and arranging and simply setting in vases is all you need. $ stores carry flower vases. i would put a theme on this shower so you can plan, decorate, and save money. it can still be nice and elegant. yes, making your own invites is a very good idea.
*bridal shower ideas
*bridal shower pics
i would love to see a pic of the venue and know what the bride enjoys ? wedding theme? you can pull ideas from that too.
omg!! look at this website! i love the love comes softly theme!
perfect! it is simple, the chic vases with the single flower. paper wraps for the napkins, this is a diy haven, oh the $$$ you will save!! an eco looking bridal shower has a great color scheme think chocolate brown and mint green, foliage or ferns for centerpieces, along with simple white linens, white napkins,etc. paper lanterns, candles are inexpensive too.
*bridal shower themes
*coffee/dessert reception ideas
*save money bridal
*table settings and ideas ( my fave is the elegant garden party, i love the simple yet “happy” colors with this, not to mention the way they have it set up)
i hope all this helps, if you need more post back!
thank you! thank you! thank you! for your advice and how encouraging you sounded. im over stressing and you were a big help to make me step back and calm down…with a little creativity it is so easy!
I want to throw a small, elegant tea (not a shower) for my stepson’s fiancee (both are in their early 30’s). He has been married before once, she has never been married before. I’d like it to be small; about 10-15 ladies. Can you give me some ideas on proper etiquette on this? Is this OK for me to do? Thanks.
elizabeth,
a shower is most definitely appropriate.
*tea party bridal shower
here you will find manylinks for your planning! have fun!!
I am my best friend’s Matron of Honor. My maid of honor (not this friend) was not a good example for me, so I am doing a lot of research and take on as much responsibility as possible for my friend. I, of course, immediately wanted and assumed I would host the bridal shower, but my friend, the bride, told me that it would be at her mother’s house and her mother would be hosting it. I always thought that was poor etiquette for the mother of the bride to host the shower, and I REALLY want to do it. How do I approach the subject with the bride and her mother, or do I just offer to my assistance?
Research bridal showers online — there are a number of sites out there that confirm the long-held belief that the Mother should not host the event. Once you gather up this info, share it with the bride, plus let her know that you’d really like to host the shower at MOH and that is traditionally the way it’s handled. Would she and her Mom be willing to change plans? Tell her that you would LOVE her mom’s help (ideally, she may also offer to help financially). Here’s a great compromise — you “officially” host the party on the invitations, but hold it at the bride’s mother’s home. (There are many good reasons for doing so — the mom has more room, her place is better located, etc.) I agree that it is not proper for the Mom to host a bridal shower, so good luck.
My Aunt is having a second wedding/marriage and she chose nieces as bm’s and her fiance chose his nephews as his gm’s. I’m the oldest so I am the MOH. I don’t mind handling the MOH responsibilities, but am I supposed to? I guess it just feels a little different being her niece and it’s her second wedding. I guess I’m more concerned about $$$. and if I’m supposed to pay for the showers and other events… and the other bm’s are college students with very little $$$. help? Also, what do I say for a speech?
kim, yes since you are the moh that comes with certain responsibilities. it doesnt have to cost a fortune, but if you do find you cant afford this, then have a talk with your aunt and explain the situation, although there are ways to cut costs without it costing a fortune.
otherwise, just talk about things straight from your heart. are you and her close? then share a great memory with everyone. the speech is optional, you can choose to just say a toast. there is a great link on favor ideas with tips for the moh speech.
* Giving a Maid of Honor Speech? Simple Tips You Can Use Right Now!
when you get ready to plan let me know!! i will help all i can!
I have been invited to a bridal shower and the invitation states “please wear cocktail attire”. The shower is to be held at a private residence on a Sunday afternoon. My question: Is is proper to expect guests to buy special clothing to attend a shower? Many others I have talked to have said they can’t go because they can’t afford to buy a new dress.
BAM,
usually this can be the case. do you have a nice pantsuit you can wear? then just add a chiffon or silk scarf and your most elegant accessories with heels and you have something perfect. think a simple black, blue, or any neutral dress too. something basic will work if you you just add the right accessories. think about a simple but nice black dress with a scoop t shirt neckline no sleeves. if you add a long beautiful scarf around the neck and let the scarf ends flow, with diamond or faux diamond jewelry and strappy heels. then you have the perfect dress to wear. if you would like, please write back and tell me what you have in your closet along the lines of dressy. you may have everything you need except the scarf etc. i would love to help!!
I am the MOH to a friend of mine and am hosting the bridal shower. Am I supposed to give her a gift as well?
lauren, usually the moh and bm pool their money and buy one gift.
Thanks for the reply. I guess I should have explained that I am the only attendant. As it ended up, I didn’t buy a gift after spending several hundred dollars for the shower.
Is it traditional to give the bride, mother of the bride, and mother-in-law to be corsages at the bridal shower?
alisa,
i have only seen the bride wear one, since it is in her honor. usually the others get one at the wedding.
My question is my sister and I are sharing the maid of honor role. We are giving my sister her bridal shower and covering the cost of this. We have 3 other attendants as part of the bridal party. I did tell them that my sister and I would cover the expense of the restaurant and party. I graciously asked if they could help with the cost of favors, cake and decorations. One bridesmaid came forward and ordered the favors and decorations and the cost involved. We spoke on the phone and she came forward and said it the other 2 would like to contribute that would be great but if they decline that was okay also. I would like to know how to graciously ask the other two bridesmaids if they would/could contribute to the cost of the favors/decorations. I feel bad the one bridesmaid put out the money but she in no way expected anything from anyone. I just want to handle this properly but I dont know how to approach asking for money when they werent in on the decision on what and how much everything would cost. Any ideas?
annemarie,
if they werent involved in any of the planning, then it is difficult to ask. it doesnt matter if the one bm came forward and bought everything. just tally up what the supplies were and tell them. if the $$$ arent really that important, then just have them join forces with “manpower” to get the bridal shower organized, decorated, and cleaned up. btw, what thoughtful and great bm you are!!
Hello! My brother and his fiance are getting married in November….destination wedding with only immediate family invited. They are having a reception two weeks after the wedding for all family, friends etc. I offered to throw them a shower when they first got engaged. He asked me if I was still going to give him a shower and I will….however…I want to make sure that I’m following proper rules…who can I invite to the shower?
griselda, since there will be a reception upon return, it is the same as any shower.
*How to Know Who to Include in a Wedding Shower
I am giving a shower for someone and there is a very moved up wedding and shower which doesn’t allow much budget for the wedding. Could a shower be used to include close friends who won’t be able to be involved in the wedding day? There is an upcoming family event that will be tragic that has caused things to be moved. Some close women will not be invited due to money and time restrictions for this family but they do know the situation. Could the shower be their time with the bride to celebrate her special day?
shari,
it is a rule you dont invite someone to the shower and not the wedding. unless it doenst matter to them, then by all means do it, otherwise i wouldnt.
REALLY NEED SOME ADVICE, PLEASE: My neighbors have asked to throw me a bridal shower. I am the bride. My MOH is lives out of state, my bridesmaid lives out of state. I have no immediate sisters and my sister-in-law isn’t close with our family. I was talking to my host tonight deciding on where to throw the shower. Because it’s our only shower, there are 56 people to invite to this shower. No one has a house big enough, so we have to throw it at a restaurant. Just for the food and drink and reserving the place, it’s almost $1,000. That’s not even inivites or favors or the decorations. My host mentioned to me today that she was broke. There is a second host who she doesn’t even know if she’s chipping in. So she asked me tonight that we should go three ways. Basically the bride and groom would have to shell out a third of the costs. And I know that’s not how it works. The hosts offered the shower to me, they take care of the costs. I feel like the right thing to do is to relieve her of her offer. I asked her if she wanted to back out and she said….well….. I don’t know how to relieve her of her duties and don’t know if that’s the right thing to do. But I know the bride and groom shouldn’t have to bear the costs of the shower. That will mean that we won’t have a shower at all. It was great that she offered because we do need one. And to add, my mom can’t afford to chip in either. What do I do?
donna,
unfortunately you cannot host your own bridal shower; or share in expenses. if the hosts cannot pay for the shower, then they should be relieved of this, however, it is not up to the bride to make this decision cause a shower is a optional party. if you feel strongly about telling the hosts they dont have to plan one, then the next time i was approached i would thank them for their thoughtfulness and consideration to throw a shower but the bride and groom are not suppose to share in the bridal shower expense and politely decline. there are ways to have a cheaper shower by cutting the guest list so it can be thrown at someones home or a church banquet hall or local park. keep it simple like cake and punch( this is the route i would go) or appetizers and beverages. i do hope they find a way to afford the shower because every bride deserves one. i do wish you the best of luck.
Expecting your hosts (neighbors) to pay $1,000 for a shower for 47 people is extremely bold and impolite. When they offered, they probably had in mind a smaller affair — maybe 20 people max — to be held in their homes. Since they wanted to host a shower for you and no one else has, allow them to plan one, even if it’s not a large and expensive as you think you deserve. The host determines the size of the shower, since shes the one who has to do all the work and pay for everything. Don’t take the host’s generous offer as your opportunity to a huge gala event. Be thankful that they have offered to do anything. Maybe that’s why no one else has volunteered — they know you have unrealistic (and greedy) expectations.
Ok. take it easy. I was just asking advice. I have never been married before. I’ve never done this. My host asked me to come up with the list. I didn’t know that she needs to do that. I was just asking advice on how to let her off the hook without hurting her feelings. You don’t have to bash me. I am not greedy person. I was just doing what someone asked me to do. I don’t expect that from anyone. And around here, there are plenty of big showers. And this is not the reason no one else is throwing a shower. You shouldn’t be so harsh to someone you don’t know or their circumstances. I was reaching out because I didn’t know what to do. And I thank the first person for your advice. It was helpful.
My niece is getting married in October and is having 2 Junior Bridesmaids and 2 Flower Girls in the wedding. The ages of the Junior Bridesmaids will be almost 10 and 7 1/2 and the Flower Girls will be 1 1/2 and 2 1/2. My question is: Are they responsible for contributing, financially, to the Bridal Shower? The MOH seems to think that since they are in the wedding that they should be counted in. Seems ridiculous to me. What do you think?
I agree with you. That is ridiculous to think they should contribute. Only the Maid of honor and the bridesmaids contribute, and only if they are able to. Junior Bridesmaids and flower girls are not expected to contribute, and I am sure they cannot and this will just be another expense coming out of the pockets of the parents.
Kristy, Thanks so much. I knew I couldn’t be the only one that felt this was unfair. It’s just obvious to me that kids shouldn’t be included in the financial aspect of a wedding. Thanks again!
janis,
no, etiquette states they do not contribute financially, the older ones can be given a few responsibilties, like favor assembling, setting out items, etc.
*Flower Girl Responsibilities
*The Wedding Etiquette Books By Emily Post
Stacey, Thanks so much! This is a touchy situation because the MOH is also a niece. Now I have to get up the nerve to call her on this… Thanks again.
have been to many showers, traditionally the Maid of honour, bridesmades and very close friends contribute financially or by bringing food and a gift. The other friends will bring a gift of some kind. Younger ones seem to want to contribute in some way or other, but are NOT expected to contribute financially in any way. Contributions may be in the way of singing a song, playing an instrument, writing a poem etc, or by buying a little gift out of their pocket money like body lotion, bubble bath. Usually the mother of the flower girls is more than willing to buy a gift herself lingerie for example as she is usually very close to the bride herself.
The point is that no pressure whatsoever should be put on anyone to contribute anything, particularly the younger ones.
It’s supposed to be a special time a time of celebration for the bride to be who is being honoured. Putting pressure on people to contribute is not in the spirit of a shower.
hope this helps, have a fab time and God bless
Siobhan