The Basics of Bridal Shower Etiquette
by Melanie Doetsch
While showers have evolved into something more relaxed in recent years, you should still know the basics of bridal shower etiquette to avoid a chance of offending anyone.
Since there will probably be disparate groups at the shower — friends, family and co-workers, usually — it's important to understand how everyone should interact. Especially in the case of family: mothers and grandmothers can place great weight on proper bridal shower etiquette, so make sure you know "the rules"!
The Maid of Honor's usually the person who plans and organizes the bridal shower. If she lives out of town, however, it's fine for someone else to do the honors.
Don't take over without checking with her, though. It's her privilege, and you should always ask her before assuming anything. If you're going to do it for her, make sure you keep her comfortably involved through frequent emails and phone calls.
Bridal shower etiquette traditionally says that a shower should take place at least four to six weeks before the wedding. This is just for practical reasons — the bride's going to be too busy any closer to the ceremony — but if she's coming home only two weeks before the wedding, talk to her and see how she feels about having a shower in her honor so close to the wedding. Chances are, she'll think that's fine if most of her friends can manage to come.
There's been an uncomfortable trend in recent years for large showers, where nearly everyone the bride knows gets an invite. This isn't quite what the bridal shower is supposed to be, though. At least by tradition, a bridal shower's meant to be a small, intimate gathering of the bride's closest friends and family. Proper etiquette dictates a group of no more than ten to twenty guests.
Who the guest list should include: the wedding party, the mothers of the bride and groom, sisters of the bride and groom, and the bride's closest friends and/or coworkers. Contrary to some recent practices, it probably shouldn't include every woman invited to the wedding.
Finally, bridal shower etiquette means making a special point of including the wedding party members ... and the mothers. Ask each of these people to take on some particular responsibility, whether it's recording a list of the givers as the gifts are opened, or running the party games. This will help everyone feel like a key part of this special day.
Hey! I am in a intense battle with my overbearing Mother-in-Law who is trampling all over my bridal parties good intentions. She is also insisting traditionally the mother of the groom hosts… well – everything, other than the wedding. How do I politely let her know that any leancy is a priviledge not a right as his mother? He is an only child and she often argues she only gets to do this once… On top of that she refuses to include my mother on anything she does in secret… claiming its a ‘surprise’ and has several times made jabs about my mothers finanes. I want to keep the peace, but I don’t want everyone else to suffer through her behaviour. Help!
Melanie,
It is more acceptable now that mothers can, if there is noone else, but etiquette actually states that family members are not suppose to host the bridal shower( which is an optional event)etc.
At The Knot: What duties fall under the MOG’s jurisdiction?
A. Typically, the bride is in charge of assigning tasks, and the degree of mom-involvement should be left to her discretion. You can take over any of the wedding-planning responsibilities, once you get the go-ahead from the bride.
Many times the MOG can host a bridal tea or brunch, to get better acquainted. If she wants to host one, she can for her side of the family. It may be best to have the groom to talk to her but if that is not an option, you can step in and tell her that her intentions are meaningful to you but “traditionally”, etiquette states that only the friends of the bride are supposed to host a shower because it is considered inappropriate for the family to asks for gifts and tradition in those areas mean alot to you. Understandable, She wants to be a part of the team but it is actually up to the bridal shower hosts to include her or not. I am assuming they are not happy with the situation. A MOG can offer to help but that is about it, she cannot and should not over step boundaries with the planning process or the couples decisions. Are there some things in the wedding to make her feel included? Like addressing envelopes etc.? She must realize that the love for her son and his special day holds just as much meaning for your mother and I would say I am not pleased with the disrespect towards my mother because it is just as important to her and hurtful to both of us as well. That your wedding is meant to be a joyous celebration with true meaning being why you both are getting married. Being the groom is an only child makes it more sensitive so he may need to explain to her, that her offers of help are appreciated but everything is under control and wish nothing more than her to be able to relax and celebrate the wonderful day. As a last resort,it may be best that the bridal shower hosts plan in “private” not offering any info, if there is time they can start all over, making sure to have no “leaked” info. Meet in places and times that MOG will not know. it is sad to have to think about this but sometimes it may be necessary.
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One of my best Friends from high school is getting married, and I cannot make the shower. The MOH decided on a date, months from now, with everyone else and me being far away they did not even consider me. They are asking me to pay about $350 for the shower, one which I cannot attend, and that they know I cannot attend. What is the proper etiquette for this situation?
Lula,
Since the shower is an optional event,the bridesmaids have the right to opt out. Since you are not attending, you do not have to split costs. It is improper for someone to make you feel obligated. One should never assume all the bridesmaids can afford or want to be involved in the bridal shower. All of this should be discussed prior to any shower planning. Since they did not consider you, then asking for money, is impolite on many levels. Sadly, this is happening in many events.
Source
May daughter is getting married and we have a limited budget for the reception. We have limited her to having 100 guest. This means that alot of the extended family will not be invited to the wedding to make room for their friends. What is the etiquette for inviting those family members to her wedding shower that will not be invited to the wedding?
thanks
DeLynn,
Guests invited to the shower should also be on the wedding guest list. All female wedding guests do not have to be invited to shower. The shower is meantto be a party for those closest to the bride to be invited which include: bridal party, both mothers, any grandmothers, sisters, flower girl( unless is not age appropriate with drinking or lingerie party), and her closest friends. A shower should never exceed 35 guests, it is meant to be an intimate small gathering.
My niece is getting married and her sister is the maid of honor. My niece is insisting that the bridal shower be held at a restaurant for 60 guests. The MOH wants the bridesmaids to split the costs equally but is choosing a more expensive menu than necessary. The bridesmaids are also sharing the expense of the favors, cake, centerpieces, invitations, etc. Is it wrong not to help pay for the location/food for the shower? BTW, the bride’s younger sister is a junior bridesmaid and the bride’s mother doesn’t feel she should share in the shower expense.
Karly, Glad you wrote in,there is alot of improper etiquette happening here.
Junior Bridesmaids are not expected or suppose to throw or pay for bridal showers under any circumstances. Depending on her age,she should be invited to the shower and can help decorate, make favors, or clean up if she wishes. The bridal party always has the choice to pay or host a bridal shower( showers are optional events) and the bride should not be involved in shower plans other than guest list and available date info. The hosts get to decide the budget, shower type, and guest number they can afford( they have the right to trim list to meet budget). Bride can be made aware of the number of guests that can be afforded. Also, if someone wants to add “extra guests”to the hosts set guest list, then that person assumes those guests expenses, which the hosts are not responsible.
Bridal showers are meant to be an intimate gathering( about 25- 35 guests) of the bride and grooms side: mothers, grandmothers, any sisters, bridal party, flowergirl( as long as its age appropriate), and brides closest friends.
More info from other wedding experts…
* who pays for the shower?
* Jr. Bridesmaid question
* bridesmaids splitting the bill for restaurant bridal shower
* out-of-control bride & groom
Hope these have helped as well.
I’ve been invited to a bridal shower that will cost me $40 a plate for the food, in addition to the gift. This seems tacky. Thoughts?
Sharon,
This is not acceptable. The guests are not suppose to be paying for their own food. Highly improper etiquette. The shower should be planned within the hosts budget. It is compared to asking them to pay for their meal at the wedding. If the hosts cannot pay for the restaurant shower expenses, they should consider something that fits within their budget.
One example from the knot:
Bridal Shower: Who Pays for Bridal Shower Food?
Q.
My maid of honor (and my only attendant) wants to throw me a wedding shower at a restaurant, and she expects the bridal shower guests to pay for their meals. I told her I would rather have the shower at someone’s house with cake and snacks. She said she wants to have it where we can be waited on, which is fine, but my friends would have to pay to attend my bridal shower! How can I handle this without hurting her feelings? She is very sensitive.
A.
It’s nice of you to respect her feelings, but she’s a little out of control, and she’s risking offending people close to you! Guests should never pay for their meals at any party they are invited to, and you need to make that clear to her — if she insists on having the shower at a restaurant, she’ll have to pay for the food! Don’t let your MOH hold you hostage; tell her you know she’s got great intentions, but she just can’t do things this way! One more suggestion: If you’re freaked about talking to her directly (though you should try to), ask your mother if she can reason with your MOH.
source …
I’m having a couples wedding shower-my goal is Fun and relaxed- I’v seen some great ideas but would love some help! also- is there proper “etiquette” to ask for money instead of gifts? or at least a nice way to ask?
Leslie,
Try the site Hostess with the Mostess. It has some great ideas for bridal showers etc. You will find some great visuals as well. There is never a polite way to ask for money gifts. You could consider a gift certificate theme. The couple can even register at fave places.
Try this search ….
take a look at this …
Here’s some more etiquette advice ( Be prepared for some mixed reactions and some guests will choose traditional style gifts. The couple or bride should register for gift cards and traditional registry to cater to all tastes)
As mother of the groom, am I obligated to bring or send a gift to all showers that I have been invited to, whether I attend or not?
Fran,
Guests who cannot attend are not obligated to send a gift, though family and friends still may want too. It is your choice.
Hi,
I am helping out with a shower for my niece in NY, she will be flying in from Il.. How should we word that in lieu of gifts a gift card to one of the stores she is registered at or a gift to their honeymoon paypal account would be appreciated?
Kim
Kim, Have wording like: Please join us for a Bridal Shower honoring Brides name on Date at Time Location. ( Kim you can also make it more Gift card themed by saying: Please join us for a Gift Card/Honeymoon Bridal Shower honoring Brides name etc) You could have the a honeymoon theme shower add touches of where they are going, for example: Hawaii give leis and add the theme to the shower. )
Your presence is the greatest gift of all. However, should you wish to honor the bride with a gift, in lieu of traditional gifts the bride has chosen a honeymoon registry at Traveler’s Joy (Or list personal honeymoon link) where you can make a contribution to help the couple make a honeymoon memory that will last a lifetime. The bride has also registered and welcomes gift cards from the following stores….