The Basics of Bridal Shower Etiquette
by Melanie Doetsch
While showers have evolved into something more relaxed in recent years, you should still know the basics of bridal shower etiquette to avoid a chance of offending anyone.
Since there will probably be disparate groups at the shower — friends, family and co-workers, usually — it's important to understand how everyone should interact. Especially in the case of family: mothers and grandmothers can place great weight on proper bridal shower etiquette, so make sure you know "the rules"!
The Maid of Honor's usually the person who plans and organizes the bridal shower. If she lives out of town, however, it's fine for someone else to do the honors.
Don't take over without checking with her, though. It's her privilege, and you should always ask her before assuming anything. If you're going to do it for her, make sure you keep her comfortably involved through frequent emails and phone calls.
Bridal shower etiquette traditionally says that a shower should take place at least four to six weeks before the wedding. This is just for practical reasons — the bride's going to be too busy any closer to the ceremony — but if she's coming home only two weeks before the wedding, talk to her and see how she feels about having a shower in her honor so close to the wedding. Chances are, she'll think that's fine if most of her friends can manage to come.
There's been an uncomfortable trend in recent years for large showers, where nearly everyone the bride knows gets an invite. This isn't quite what the bridal shower is supposed to be, though. At least by tradition, a bridal shower's meant to be a small, intimate gathering of the bride's closest friends and family. Proper etiquette dictates a group of no more than ten to twenty guests.
Who the guest list should include: the wedding party, the mothers of the bride and groom, sisters of the bride and groom, and the bride's closest friends and/or coworkers. Contrary to some recent practices, it probably shouldn't include every woman invited to the wedding.
Finally, bridal shower etiquette means making a special point of including the wedding party members ... and the mothers. Ask each of these people to take on some particular responsibility, whether it's recording a list of the givers as the gifts are opened, or running the party games. This will help everyone feel like a key part of this special day.
Is it customary for the “Groom” to give a gift to his fiance at her wedding shower? I’ve heard both Yes and No. Is this a new trend? I’ve also heard that the gift should be Lingerie. Would love some feedback. Sincerely, the Best Man
You should send them at least 3 to 4 weeks in advance which gives you plenty of time to find out who is coming and allows you enough time to contact those who did not rsvp
How far ahead of the bridal shower should an invitation be sent?
I will be throwing my first bridal shower this coming June and would like to know if I should send an invitation to the bride or is it not necessary?
I want to have a Tea for my future sister-in-law in a famous hotel that has a wonderful afternoon tea service. I am wondering if it is appropriate to ask for the guests to each pay for themselves?
What is the proper ettiquette for the father of the groom to come at the end of a shower, a long with the groom, while gifts are being opened? Is the father of the bride the only one who should come, along with the groom?
I am step-mom of the bride and it is not likely that the bride’s
Maid-Of-Honor will be able to hostess a bridal shower. Is it
proper etiquette for me to hostess a shower for my step-daughter?
To Carey,
Thanks for your response. I totally agree with you. This friend of the family I had mentioned in my original post said that by inviting everyone, my sister will get more gifts. I thought that sounded a little tacky myself. My sister is having a gift table set up at the reception for people who are out of town or couldn’t get to the shower.
I rented a place for the shower that holds 60 people, invited 50. Having to rent a bigger place to invite everyone was way out of my budget. Between the dresses for myself and daughter, tux for my son and husband, all the flying I have been doing back and forth (I live out of state from sister) plus my husband is doing all the photography and videoing of the wedding, I’m running out of money here. I think the shower will be fine.
Ann
To Ann:
Stick to your guns! If they want to host a shower for other people, let them handle it. As a former MOH, the groom’s family started talking about inviting co-workers and someone mentioned inviting every woman that was invited to the wedding. I said no way, and it’s certainly not necessary…it will look like you are fishing for gifts. Remember, anyone can throw a shower, but not everyone should be invited to every shower (Emily Post agrees here, and says people should really only be invited to one, but no more than two).
Good luck!!
Crystle Says:
my mother wants to invite ladies that are not invited to the wedding …
Crystle –
Please, PLEASE tell your Mom that she should NOT invite bridal shower guests that are not invited to the wedding. You are sweet to not want to hurt her feelings, but what about those guests’ feelings? What do you think you’ll be talking about the entire shower….the wedding…the plans…the dress…the reception. And they get to sit there listening to it and know they are not invited to attend. I’m sorry but it’s really rude.
It is hard to control the guest list, but your Mom is the hostess. The best you can do is talk to her about it and ask her to lower it a bit. Otherwise, go … and try to enjoy yourself!
Good luck!
saundra hadley, wedding event planner
planning..forever | weddings & events
Is it appropriate to give little thank you gifts to the hostesses of my bridal shower?
on shower or engagement favors do you put the date of the shower or the wedding date?
I had wanted my Bridal Shower to be a small and intimate gathering of close friends and family, but it has grown into what I fear is a large gathering of about 70 people. In addition, my mother wants to invite ladies that are not invited to the wedding and cannot be invited as our reception venue will not hold anymore people. I don’t know what to do, I don’t want to offend my mom, but I feel guilty inviting ladies to the shower who will not be invited to the wedding. What should I do?
Can the mother of a groom host a bridal shower? I know traditionally this is done by friends of the mother of the groom, but can an out-of-town aunt host a shower the day before the wedding if the groom’s mom does not have friends who are able to host a shower?
What do you do when you are having a small family wedding that is a long distance from the bride’s hometown and you wish to invite people who are not invited to the wedding?
I am giving a shower for my sister and invited 50 people. Family, wedding party and closest friends. Friend of the family says every woman on the list should come. That is close to 100 woman. I feel that is way too much and the cost to rent a place to accomodate that many people is not in budget. Friend of the family is giving my mother and siters fiance hard time about it. What should we do?
My daughter is getting married out of town,l on the east coast where she lives, and all of her family and friends are on the West coast. The only time she will be with us before the wedding is 7 months before the actual wedding date. Is it acceptable to have the shower then? This is the only way she will be able to have one.
I am a Aunt of the bride and my 14yr old daughter is a bridesmaid, can I host a shower?
The venue where our wedding is held has a “10 children or less” policy, unless you are going to hire a babysitter. We have decided to only invite children who are in the family, stopping at 2nd cousins. I have a 2nd cousin invited to the wedding, however her children (my 3rd cousins) are not invited. The person hosting my bridal shower has asked for a list of guests, however I am not sure if I should include children. If I include some, such as the flower girls, do I have to include everyone’s children who attends the shower? It’s getting to be quite a few children, some as young as 1 and 2 years old. Can I just invite the flower girls and no other children?
Re: small, intimate bridal shower: My 2nd wedding, my fiances first. His large family very excited and very easily slighted… how do you pick/choose who is excluded without offending?
I am thinking of putting adults only on my invitation for the churh service, even though it is an adult reception, I know many friends with kids 5 and under that would think nothing of bringing all there kids to the church part and the will be far from quite, I know this isn’t usually done, but I would like to enjoy my wedding with out kids yelling and crying.
I would like to here others comments on this idea.
4 weeks is best
How soon do we need to send out invites before a shower?
I am also wondering about a shower gift to a out state wedding I am invited to, do I send one?
How do I know who and where to send it? Aren’t showers a surprise?
Should you send an invitation to people you KNOW will not be able to attend the shower due to distance and/or previous engagements?
Yes you should include where the bride is registered with your invitations. Most registries give the bride a little card with her information on it. If you don’t have one of these, go to the places where she has registered and ask if they have inserts you can add to your invitations. Another popular thing to add is the “wishing well poem” which you would type up yourself on decorative paper if you wanted to have a wishing well for household gadgets ect.
Here is one:
http://www.ultimatewedding.com/articles/get.php?action=getarticle&articleid=945
I am hosting a shower for the bride. Do I include where she is registered with the invitation?
I’m a bridesmaid for a wedding and was asked to throw the bridal shower since the maid of honor is out of state. I’m more than happy to do so and the bride is providing me with a guest list that she would like. However, the groom’s sister and mother want to invite about 20 more people. I suggested that they have a separate shower and that is what the bride also wants. Can I just invite the people on the bride’s list or do I have to invite all these other people too? The bride and I really want the shower I’m throwing to be a small, intimate shower rather than another wedding reception.
It’s difficult to ask for cash in your bridal shower invitation without the risk of offending someone. There are several ways to approach it, though. If your need for cash stems from honeymoon expenses, sign up for a honeymoon registry and list the URL on your shower invitation or wedding web site. Alternately, let close friends and family know why it is you have a special need for cash, so they can pass on the information if asked.
In some parts of the country, it’s not uncommon for a shower invite to read “Presentation Only,” which is bridal code for “please bring money, not gifts.” But in other areas, this would be considered offensive.
Finally, if the issue was that you simply had enough things already, you could simply request “no gifts.”
I am looking to find the proper ettiquette for my first shower and his second, he is planning a golf outing and I a regular bridal shower, the dilema that I have is that we really dont need alot of “things”, we are more in need of cash, how do we nicely incorporate that on a bridal shower invitation
Di,
I would try to find out what is going on if I could. Maybe it was an oversight, that I am not sure of. But I would doublecheck first. The MOG, grooms sisters, stepparents, and grooms grandparents should be included on the list. If I had to bet, I am thinking, only those closest to the bride and then the grooms side holds a separate shower. This is fairly common. I am thinking some advice got mixed up. Not including you is not a very nice gesture and not a great intro for two families coming together. I do hope everything works out! If you are not intentionally invited then I would try to put my best face forward for my son because of his happiness. But if not invited I wouldn’t go.
Di,
My comment didn’t make much sense. I would talk to the whoever is the host and see if it is an oversight. Your granddaughter and daughter? on the line above “only those closest to the bride etc.” I meant that it may have been told to the host or bride that way. For the fitting of the dress it is common for the bride to choose whoever gives her an honest opinion, whether it be a childhood friend, she may go solo, a sibling, family member etc. It is more common for the MOB to share in this with her daughter with the dress search. For the bridal shower, talking about the planning and then no followup could mean they decided to host it by themselves?!? I am not sure about that either. This may hurt the groom if noone shows up and if nothing else I am hoping the family( whoever is invited) try to go because this is also his big day too.
Stacey when we left the meeting for the Bridal shower I said I would get back in touch with the mother before the shower, which I plan on doing.
I said I would help with the set up and break down after, my daughter also said we would be happy to help. The step sister whose in charge of the shower has lied about sending out the invitations and screwed up on the date so the mother said she would make the phone calls. The shower is april 10th and the invites were just sent out. While at the meeting the step sister said they bought all the decorations and all was set to go, including food and all. I said I would bring soda and some party platters, if I’m in the wrong I’m truly sorry but I did what I thought was right. Every time we offer to do anything it’s overlooked or we’re told it’s not needed. They planned on salad sandwiches, punch, water, coffee and tea and a cake. This is not the first time we’ve been left out they were suppose to get married last year and was short on money, we asked sister if we could help then gave our phone numbers and she never called. So this has been going on. And as far as the bridesmaid dresses I thought all the brides maids were suppose to go which was not the case. Sorry i get a little carried away this should be short.
Di,
If you wanted, though, you could always throw a little shower for the bride and groom, coed maybe? Tha twould be lots of fun to plan. Make it more of a party just to relax instead of gifts. Anothe idea I try to recommend is where is the bride and groom heading for their honeymoon. Then plan a honeymoon shower where they don’t get traditional gifts but fun things for the honeymoon. I love those types of showers!
it is very thoughtful to offer the help but I would just let them come to you. I would go on and just enjoy the wedding and go to any prewedding parties that your invited too. It seems like the hosts are trying to go it on their own which is common. All you can do is offer your help and leave it to them if they decide to take it.
* tips here
* more tips
For example if they are going to hawaii, decorate it like a tropical paradise with tiki torches and grass table skirts. have grilled food and just enjoy! Coed is definitley the way to go here and you get to host and plan the details.
orientaltrading.com has all your tropical themed decor for little $$$.
Di,
doesnt it seem that the one who pays the most…controls the most. I dont understand why the grooms family will try to control things when they are usually not willing to be fair in the first place and split the cost of the wedding.
As far as the wedding showers, its the responsibility of the MOH and if she is screwed up then just ask the bride.
Its completly unreasonable to fault the bride for what her MOH does, she is busy and cant not oversee everything.
And of course noone ever blames the groom, its his wedding too. He could step in at any time and be sensitive enough to see that his mom might feel left out.
But of course as women we want to whine and blame the bride because she’s the center of it all. We cant see that there might be fault with others (including her groom). Nor can we seem to see that even in the end if all is true and the bride is truely a b*, that we can suck it up and go to the wedding (including his family). Its HIS wedding too, it will hurt HIS FEELINGS too.
Seriously, in other countries other than the U.S, the grooms family pays for the wedding and there is ALOT less hassle. Not to say that I agree with the grooms family pay the entire wedding either, just a point. Perhaps in many societies we are just alot harder on women and expect less out of our men, who are fully capable of rising to the challenge.
Also Di, one more point…in order for the Grooms family and friends to not come that means that the Mother of the groom has been complaining about her daughter in law to be to others. That’s fantastically mature of her. If she showed any respect to her daughter in law to be, she would directly approach her in a calm, friendly manner. Instead she’s spreading her feelings around like poison. I hope she realizes that if her groom truely loves this women, he will choose the bride over the mother. If she loves her son she would want to be good to her future daughter in law, to keep her son happy and for to keep the chance of seeing any future grandchildren open.
Ok
I think you got the wrong idea on what is going on here.
1. I have never bad mouth my soon to be daughter in law. I’ve never said a cross word to anyone.
2. My daughter and granddaughter are both in the wedding party, and love the color of their gowns. They went and got the gowns after the fact.
3. I was hurt by not being included in the shower.
4.I have offered to do anything I could to help make things easier for all.
5. I would never say any thing to my son to make him feel uncomfortable.
6. I’ve thought about talking to my soon to be but she gets excited very easy, and it would upset her.
7. I never said I wouldn’t go to the wedding.
8. We were invited to the shower, what I was trying to say was we helped with the planning of the shower and are names were not on the planners list.
Lezlie70,
I forgot to mention, unless they are aware and not expecting a wedding invite then it will be exceptable. The rules of etiquette are ever changing. Sorry if any confusion.