The Basics of Bridal Shower Etiquette
by Melanie Doetsch
While showers have evolved into something more relaxed in recent years, you should still know the basics of bridal shower etiquette to avoid a chance of offending anyone.
Since there will probably be disparate groups at the shower — friends, family and co-workers, usually — it's important to understand how everyone should interact. Especially in the case of family: mothers and grandmothers can place great weight on proper bridal shower etiquette, so make sure you know "the rules"!
The Maid of Honor's usually the person who plans and organizes the bridal shower. If she lives out of town, however, it's fine for someone else to do the honors.
Don't take over without checking with her, though. It's her privilege, and you should always ask her before assuming anything. If you're going to do it for her, make sure you keep her comfortably involved through frequent emails and phone calls.
Bridal shower etiquette traditionally says that a shower should take place at least four to six weeks before the wedding. This is just for practical reasons — the bride's going to be too busy any closer to the ceremony — but if she's coming home only two weeks before the wedding, talk to her and see how she feels about having a shower in her honor so close to the wedding. Chances are, she'll think that's fine if most of her friends can manage to come.
There's been an uncomfortable trend in recent years for large showers, where nearly everyone the bride knows gets an invite. This isn't quite what the bridal shower is supposed to be, though. At least by tradition, a bridal shower's meant to be a small, intimate gathering of the bride's closest friends and family. Proper etiquette dictates a group of no more than ten to twenty guests.
Who the guest list should include: the wedding party, the mothers of the bride and groom, sisters of the bride and groom, and the bride's closest friends and/or coworkers. Contrary to some recent practices, it probably shouldn't include every woman invited to the wedding.
Finally, bridal shower etiquette means making a special point of including the wedding party members ... and the mothers. Ask each of these people to take on some particular responsibility, whether it's recording a list of the givers as the gifts are opened, or running the party games. This will help everyone feel like a key part of this special day.
My sister is getting married and her friend is the MOH. Her Mother in Law to be has a guest list of 60 for the shower ours is 43. We have opted to do separate showers. We will be inviting her future mother in law & two sister in laws to ours. As they will invite my mom, me & our other sister. Do the MOH and the other three bridesmaids need to be invited to the groom’s side shower? I feel awkward telling her MIL to invite four more people than planned.
carolyn,
there is really no set rule in today’s bridal shower. if there are bm that are known to the groom’s side of the family they could be invited. with bm its usually the bride’s family shower or the moh/bm hosting the shower that the bridal party attends. its a sticky situation but the key is whoever is hosting =inviting guest. an easier way to bring it up is say heh we have talked ( the bridal party) and said if you need any help with the bridal shower we would love to help decorate etc. this will show her that you would really love to come. i hope you get to go!!
Soo…bridal registry…do I add those little cards that they give you into my actual invitation? I read somewhere it was rude, and that word of mouth is the only way to let people know. Then though, why do they offer those cards? I’ve gotten them before in other people invitations. Is it rude? What is the general consensus?
bride2be,
i would go ahead and put them in there. i got a bridal shower invite once that had items printed on back in a elegant way. i thought it was great that i could just run to the store and pick up a gift. but check the registry that way you wont be getting the same gift as someone else.
Bride2Be,
I just wanted to clarify something – your question seemed as though you were asking if you were to include the registry cards in your WEDDING invitation, right? I think Stacey was referring to your shower invitations as it being appropriate, which it most definitely is and that is why stores provide them – for shower invites because that’s exactly what a shower is – showering the new couple with gifts. However, it really is not at all appropriate to include them in your actual wedding invitation. People have no problem learning where you’re registered, but it’s rude to send gift information in any form whatsoever in your wedding invitation. Think of your wedding as YOUR gift to your guests – you’re throwing them a fabulous party. Not inviting them to get you a gift, which everyone will give you anyhow. :)
hi everyone. my good friend is getting married in july and her bridal shower is in the begining of june. I am a bridesmaid in her wedding. I recieved my invitation in the mail and it said that the shower is being given by the maid of honor Jackie. Now my friend (the bride) and her cousin are asking me if I can do desert for the shower. She is invited 50+ people to the shower and it is going to cost a lot of money! My mom and other people are telling me that I should say no because on the invitation it said the party is being given by “jackie” and that I should just give my friend a very nice shower gift. If it had said the bridal party it would be ok. I feel bad saying no bc she is my good friend and I am in her bridal party. What should I do?
dee,
usually bm do help out. it would be a beautiful thing to fix dessert. it doesn’t have to be expensive. is a cake ordered yet? that could be the dessert. or you could do cupcakes with pretty flowers sitting atop. another thing is find a recipe for strawberry shortcake you put in sheet pans. i went to a rehearsal where this was done it wasnt expensive at all. do youhave a to die for dessert like brownies? put a dallop of whipped cream and a sprinkle of cocoa top it off with a plain or chocolate dipped strawberry on the side and you have a showstopper dessert for pennies. just as one pot wonders are cheaper, so are one pan desserts. not to worry this is so doable!! break out that cookbook or computer and whip something fab up!! when youget the ohhh’s and ahhh’s you will be so happy you could help out and the bride will be so pleased!
*also find out if a shower cake will be ordered, if so, see if they’d like an extra flavor cake, if not, then there ya go!! $25.00 sheet cake to feed 50 here i come!!
I am in the same situation as Dee. I am in the bridal party, as my brother is the groom.
I received an email from the MOH…who I have never met… a week before the shower, asking me to pay on the cake and asking me to ask my mother (the mother of the groom) to make a veggie tray. The more I thought about it, the more angry I got. The invites were sent with the MOH’s name on them weeks ago.
Also…I have never met any of these people. (after this I am wondering if I want to) Would it be in poor taste to decide not to go to this “event?”
amanda,
it would be a wonderful thing to help out because your brother is the groom. i understand if it makes you feel uncomfy. i am afraid it may cause more friction if you dont go ( standing up in the bridal party etc.) you do not HAVE to go, still it would be nice since you are a member of the bridal party and you do know the bride. i am not trying to say you MUST pay on the cake or bring a veggie tray and i dont know how the request was presented to you ?!?( offensive, nicely etc) truth is these things are so tricky and can cause relationships to fizzle all for a one day event. if you feel strongly about not going then dont go against how you feel. cause it will dampen your day plus the bride and others may wonder what is the matter. i do understand your feelings but i do hope you attend.
Dee – go ahead and bring dessert. As a member of the bridal party you are expected to help any way that you can. It’s not about receiving credit, it’s about the bride and making her feel special. If you don’t feel you can afford to bring dessert for that many people, ask other b.party members to pitch in?
My brother’s wife-to-be didn’t invite my daughter, (their niece), to her bridal shower. She is only 10 months. I understand that they want an adult party, but i think its strange that she wouldn’t want her only niece to attend. When I asked if she could come (I thought they just didn’t put her on the invite and was being polite to ask), they said absolutely not. I thought this was quite offensive.
Thoughts?
michelle,
if it is an adult party then it is understood no children are allowed. it is easy for situations excluding children to bring up some hurt feelings and i am sure there are other parents that feel the same. the wife to be ( i am sure) isnt trying to cause distress or meaning to hurt feelings she just wants the adults to get together for the bridal shower. it would be difficult for guests to focus on the bridal shower activities with the lil’ ones. i have a 20 year old daughter with 2 year old twins and a 6 month old grandkids(all girls) so i completely understand your feelings but yet for a bridal shower and i would want them there cause i love my grandkids so much, yet i understand some might be put off even though kids will be kids. i was saying this cause this is usually what brides are thinking of when they request an adult party and you can opt not to go but i do hope you find someone to take care of your baby and go, it could be alot of fun!
It’s not a baby shower it’s a bridal shower. The baby can be a distraction in many ways- she can either cry or take attention away from the bride by being so cute. The shower is really about the bride. I agree with Michelle. I am sure inviting her is not meant to be hurtful, I hope you still go.
Hi,
I have four BM and one MOH in my wedding party(Whom I am really really close with). In the beginning I was going to give them all a swatch card and tell them to find dresses that they are comfortable in and that are in the color and length that I was looking for. This way they could be comfortable with the dress and the price. Unfortunately, they are a few of them that have emailed me pictures of dresses that they like and I have to say i hate these styles!!! One of them doesn’t have that great a taste in clothes and is picking out dresses that are super low cut with LOTS of cleavage(i don’t care on a normal basis, but this is a wedding!) and the other one isn’t happy with the length that I want because she is self conscious about her legs. Now, I was in both of these girls weddings and said nothing about the dresses they wanted me to wear(because that’s what a good BM does) I am now thinking of just going with my MOH to find dresses that we think will be flattering on everyone and tell them that’s what they have to get. Any suggestions o9n how I can do this tactfully with out hurting my friends feelings? I don’t want to come off like a Bridezilla but I do want a certain look for the wedding. HELP! What should I do???
confused bride,
the best thing to do here is take them to the store and have them try on some colors, not all bm will look good in the same color or style. so if your bm are wearing something that makes them uncomfy, it will show on your day and in your pics. i know when i wear something uncomfy it makes me blah but wear something i love then i stand with confidence =look and feel my best! for example, you may pick red for the bm but find deep red doesnt suit them all. then let them wear “their shade of red” ranging in shades from deep red to burgundy. the variation of dress color in bm is stunning. if you are looking for a more universally flattering shade, have them try on neutrals then pick up color in the bouquets. most bm LOVE black or brown cause they can wear it again plus it is classic and failproof. another color is burgundy or periwinkle it usually looks great on all. if one wants a deep yet tasteful(cause i agree with to low cleavage) neckline then by all means if it suits her body type, just give them all a wrap which adds a classy touch. not all bm bodies are the same so you must work with what looks best on them or you wont have great wedding pics( short bm should not wear tea length for example) just tell your bm they did great but you have thought about it and would love to go tothe store together. if you like let them still pick out what they like within taste( cause it is your wedding and you want it to look good) as determining length all bm will not look best in certin lengths. davids bridal is famous for their mix and match line letting bm wear in same color put their own variation to it. one may be in a all black knee length dress and the other may be in a long black skirt with champagne top and sash. so check it out! you will see how great it looks and your bm will thank you for it!
Stacey,
Thank you so much for your advice!!! I have chosen black specifically for the reason that EVERYONE looks good in it and I am going with really brightly colored flowers!
Help! Here’s the background: The mother of the bride held a shower and told the grooms family to do there own. The MOB invited her family and the bridal party plus the grooms mother and sister. She did not invite the best mans wife, who is a close friend of both the bride and groom, nor did she give the MOG opportunity to invite anyone (like a special aunt or close relative to the groom) Needless to say, there were a lot of hurt feelings.
Now, the Grooms family is left planning a shower that will not include anyone from the brides family (the MOB laughed when the grooms family asked if they wanted to come) nor any of the bridesmaids. The whole situation has left everyone sour and frankly, no one feels like putting in a lot of effort for the bride after this incident. (Although I feel like she was just manipulated by her family)
Suggestions? Most people I’ve related this incident too have suggested a couples shower but what’s etiquette? Although, I’m not sure MOG would go for it anyways.
Thank You
justine,
i love the idea of a couples shower. i would not let someone stop me from doing anything for the bride and groom. i would proceed as planned. i would be kind anyway. reason being this can wind up hurting and otherwise happy day for the bride and groom. i have seen family wars develop in otherwise 2 loving families and couples call off their weddings(even way into planning) and just elope. i do understand why everyone is hurt by this situation but question is: do you want to retaliate by doing the same(which usually doesnt work and causes more problems and plus most dont get effected by retaliation like it was intended) to let this dampen everything and cause bitterness or not do things the same way and bring back some joy? plus the bride and groom will usually be the ones suffering most in the end, cause this situation can set off a domino effect in their families which is a hard way to begin a marriage. its how we react to situations that dictate how long they linger or what they develop into. i am not saying you shouldn’t be offended but to many relationships are broken by “one day”. i would shrug my shoulders and plan a party that shows how it was meant to be. i bet you will see some members in the other family embarassed by their actions. kindness gets better results in most cases, still kindness CAN be used to retaliate too and it is not genuine in those cases.
I was thrilled when I was asked to be my best friends MOH. I offered to throw a Bridal Shower for her and asked her for a guest list. Her guest list was over 50, and included people like her hair stylist, the lady who works the chair next to her hair stylist, secretaries from her fiances office who she’s only met once, etc. I believe a guest list this large and inappropriate. When I asked her to narrow down the guest list to 25 she recruited help for me and asked the bridesmaids from out of state to send money; and informed all of them that I “could not handle the responsibility.” Not only was that a slap in the face, but it also put a big wedge in our friendship. All of this, and some other Bridezilla moments, have led me to step down from being in her wedding. Would it be rude of me to print this article, highlight certain parts, and leave it in her mail box? I’ll even use pink highligher, it is one of her wedding colors.
formerMOH,
i can imagine how disappointed you must feel, sending her this article is a personal choice. i think i would not do this and wait til after the wedding and see how she is then. sometimes a wedding can put alot of stress on a bride; and groom for that matter making you say or do things out of the norm. she may offer an apology but if not, then just wait it out and see how it goes. i know this is may not be what you want me to advise but if you send this it might further damage an already strained relationship. if you want your friendship back then i would wait and see what happens. she wasnt suppose to be involved in planning the shower but provide a guest list and most showers are completely appropriate for bm to help out. moh do have a large responsibility to the bride but not to the point of hurting a realationship that takes things a bit to far i think. it suppose to be a joyous occasion and for some reason $$$ or mainly the stress of trying to please others instead of what the couple usually wants, turns it upside down are some reasons behind a bridezilla. i am sorry you had to step down, under the circumstances you made the right choice for you. so no, i wouldnt retaliate. i would step back and be the bigger person. if she ever comes to you and asks what happened then you can tell her you feel treated unfairly and then if you feel the need to point things out you could in a firm yet nice way.i would not let it turn into a unnecessary war over one day,especially if it lingers or more is added to it. i hope and am thinking the storm will clear.
I am the maid of honer in my friends wedding this june. For her shower her mother asked if it was okay that me, her 3 sisters, and her mother split the expences of the shower. I agreed and thanked them for the help now the shower is planned and I came to find the the mother, grandmother, and sisters of the groom are not invited to the shower. This is a very large wedding and the shower is all ready at 65 female family members and 5 friends. The problem came when the grooms mother held her own shower and invited me and the brides mother to she shower and made us feel guilty for not inviting there family to our shower. The only reason there not invited is because the bride doesnt want them there and her mother says its not proper to invite them. What do i do? Do i talk to the bride about this? Or just go on with the shower?
stacy,
it is proper to invite the grooms family. if it is against the brides wishes; you can talk to her and ask if it is okay due to them being family and they wanted to help out. that you accepted their generorous offer and now you dont know what to do. t puts you in a difficult decision. after you talk toher if she stands firm just accept her decision. there is nothing you can do to change the brides mind. however, i might add it is not a great way to begin a new journey especially with the grooms family. ouch! i dont know the reasons so its hard for me to say. nevertheless, the grooms family may approach you with the dilemma and i would just say i am just abiding by the brides wishes and i am sorry if anyone is offended, i didnt know what to do. you can use your own words of course but i would make sure i didnt get the blame for this.
I am attending a bridal shower that will have approximately 80 guests! I understand that everyone would want their gift opened for everyone to see, otherwise what is the point, but, we are looking at a few hours of just opening gifts….at appox 2 minutes per gift, that’s over 2 hours! What is the “rule” for opening gifts? Are all of the gifts supposed to be opened at the shower? If so, can she open them as they arrive? If not, when does she start?
alice,
it would probably be good to open the shower with a thank you and a toast just to get things started. i think it would be nice to have a few “elected” people to help out to make it go smoother and faster. like one to dispose of the wrappings, one to hand her the gifts, etc. so with help this should be a easy process. i know it can be a bit long but that is what showers are for to open the gifts bestowed on the bride. smile.
I am in the same boat! I recently attended a bridal shower for my niece. My elderly mother (who lives 1 1/2 hours south of me) drove to my house. We then set out on the 2 hour drive north to the shower. As we arrived, our gifts were taken by one of the 5 hostesses. It was then “processed”. While one of the “processing gang” unwrapped, the other would record the item in a book along with the givers name. I asked one of the hostesses “what was going on” and I was told, “That’s how we do things here.” Only some of the unwrapped items made it to the display table. Mine did not. I thought the whole situation was incredibly rude and thoughtless. It was also stated by one of the processing team that “This gives the bride an opportunity to mingle with her guests.” My sister (mother of the bride) who is quite proper, seems to think this was perfectly acceptable. I just felt really bad for my mother who devoted an entire weekend to traveling for a shower and never saw her grandaughter open a single gift.
Should I let my sister know how I feel or leave it alone? I guess I am being a little selfish just because I am pretty sure that I will not be driving such a distant to any upcoming baby showers ( I am sure that is next ) to not see a gift opened (at least not by the honoree). I feel cheated and out 10 bucks for pretty wrapping. I should have carted the gift in with the original plastic target bag!
A friend of mine is getting married later this summer and asked me to be her maid of honor. I of course asked for her list of guests she would like to invite to the bridal shower.. She sent me the list of all the women being invited, it’s a small ceremoney with just family. On that list she also had 4 other friends that she wanted invited to the shower but were not invited to the wedding.. How do I tell her that’s not something you do? Please help
angela,
i would just sit down with her and tell her this is not proper etiquette to invite someone to the shower and not the wedding. if she stands firm on not inviting them to the wedding then dont invite them to the shower. print these links out and show her if you feel comfy enough and she wont be insulted by etiquette advice. smile.
*Bridal Shower Etiquette
*newsletter 88: Bridal Shower Etiquette
*Must Shower Guests Be Wedding Guests Too?
I’m attending the bridal shower and the wedding. The bridal shower was organized a little late , plus I was more of a formal friend to the couple. However they invited me for the bridal shower as well. Thinking it was just the wedding, I had by then picked up a nice gift from the registry and sent it.
Do have to purchase a seperate gift for the bridal shower as well?
Thanks
helpme,
you dont have to but it would be nice. it doesnt have to be expensive since you have bought a gift already. there are alot of gifts for a reasonable price. usually you dont go empty handed. give them a gift card to a restaurant or fix up a cute lil’ diy basket full of those $1 boxes ( size of theater candy), popcorn, and a great gift card to a video store. this is something they would love!! or a gift card to a pizza place. takeout night for newlyweds? a sure winner and welcoming change to a traditional bridal shower gift. how fun!!
My future mother-in-law has offered to throw a bridal shower for me to host the groom’s family and friends. (In addition to the shower my own family is throwing). My family’s shower for me is going to include very close family and friends (around 25 people).
My fiance’s mother is planning to invite every single woman on her wedding guest list to her shower. that’s 50-60 women. I feel this is very poor etiquette in that I thought you were only supposed to invite very intimate family and friends to a shower (it is like asking for a second gift and you shouldn’t do that to everyone) AND I will not know more than half the guest list (the rest are the MOG’s friends/co-workers/not close family members). I am very against this but do not want to be rude to the MOG – she was very gracious in offering to throw this shower for me and I want to start our relationship out on a good note. How do I correct this without upsetting her? I will feel bad for the guests invited who are not that close to me or her and I do not want them to think this was my decision (since it is my shower)…. Help!
nicole, technically you cant change her mind. if she is the host she can plan accordingly. the ones who will want to come will and some wont. you can pretty much ( by a rule take off 10-20% of the guest list) more than likely some of them will want to get you a gift anyway and it sounds she wants to do this for you. its not only for close family and friends it is for anyone on the guest list, so this is proper. what isnt is inviting someone to the shower and not the wedding, even though this is not the case here. i do understand your feelings however i wouldnt feel bad, this will give all ladies a chance( they dont have to to be close to them for them to want to give you a gift) to help you prepare for your wedding and household!! its a very nice thought. i do wish you the best!!
I have a problem. I started out with 2 MOH’s because I could not pick between a family member (who we swore to be MOHs to each other) and a best friend of many many years. When my fiance and I decided to go from big church wedding to small outdoor ceremony we decided to make all of our MOHs abd BMs honorary BMs and just choose one person to stand up. So I decided a family member who was only a BM to start with. My original MOHs would not have been able to handle MOH responsibility like my current one, and I’m not sure how to explain that to them. One is in college and has her own life 2 hours away, the other is as well. How do I keep them all working together, and how do I explain to my first MOH (my family member) that I am having another family member stand up with me?
bride2be,
you cant invite someone to stand up for you then ask them to step down. it is inviting disaster. the best thing to do is sit down with them and talk to them. tell them your having to down size the wedding and would understand if its harder on someone not to be in the wedding and just be a guest. they may still want to be a part of the day. true friends will totally understand. i hope i am understanding the ? right. that you had 2 moh and 1 bm. you made them honorary bm but then due to scaling down you picked one of the bunch who was not a moh to be your moh( so to speak) to stnad up for you. this is tough. i would find a way to include them ( if they want) have them in simple dresses with a single long stem rose with ribbons) and have the guys in simple suits or slacks and shirts. let me know if this helps!!
stacey-thank you so much! You got it right. We are having all the groomsmen and bridesmaids sit down and they are wearing coordinating colors and gettinf lowers, and also gonna be in pictures. The issue was having the one bridesmaid stand up instead of the original MOH. Which is the way it should have been in the beginning. It was kinda a mess… the original MOH wanted nothing to do w/ the wedding (not even a shower or anything) except what she and the ot BMs were wearing. But my MOH now has completely taken charge and has since the beginning. I just don’t know how to explain it to the original MOH, the rest of the honorary bridesmaids know she’s going to be up there with me.
bride2be,
i would just sit her down and ask what her feelings or thoughts are about the moh role; if she doesnt want anything to do with the wedding i would ask what would be easier for her, because you care about how she feels and what would make her comfortable. i wouldnt say anything about realizing she may not want to be in the wedding cause it will look like your trying to coax her into stepping down. this is gonna be difficult cause i dont know how she will feel being bumped ( if i am still understanding this right) to honorary bm. i have seen weddings where ALL bridal party ( men and women) including the moh and best man sit on the front bench with the other bridal party( guys on one side, girls onthe other) . this is done in mainly old chapels/churches usually where benches are to the side at the front alter ( away from the other benches ) of the building. i think it looks good to have them all sitting while the bride and groom are standing with the officiant. if it were me, have all of them precede you down the aisle then have all of them sit in specially designated areas. this will take ALOT of pressure off of you if you do this. this way if you wish, make one your matron of honor( as long as she is married) and the other your maid of honor. if both are married i wouldnt change it. i would just keep the roles like i suggested. noone is the wiser. i think this will keep the peace and take a load off of you. smile.
My son will be getting married this October. The bride’s side of the family is hosting a bridle shower. They do not intend to invite the groom’s side of the family, including me, because they say the guest list of 40 is too big already. They stated that I, the groom’s mother, should host a seperate party for the groom. If I host a party there would only be about 6 people. I told my son I thought it very rude for her side to exclude his side of the family. He now states that he knew that I would start trouble. I feel like just staying out of the situation and I do not want to host a seperate party because of the “slap in the face” attitude of my son and his fiance. Plus I lost my job and can’t afford it. What should I do?
i would ask if you could pay for the guest that you would like to invite if it is ony 6 people. If you are unable to pay for 6 guest then you can not expect someone else too either. Also if your son thinks your starting trouble I say the h?ll with them both.
good luck
lori, hi! i am sorry for your dilemma, that is inconsiderate on their part. i know how difficult this can be during a special moment in your life too; the marriage of your son. unfortunately, you cant change their minds. the mothers are not suppose to even be throwing a shower. i can understand being hurt by a loved one and it will make you feel like not doing anything. can you talk to the brides mother? or will that infuriate your son? your son is caught in the middle, but should not be inconsiderate toward your feelings, he should speak up for HIS family. you are not causing trouble at all, i cant see where 6 more people would hurt the guest list. i cant help but wonder why they didnt invite the grooms family, on purpose, plus why is your son treating this situation the same as the brides family are ? doesnt the bride want her future husbands family there too? i am hoping she will speak up.
I hope and pray that your future family members will come
to thier senses and not make a muddle of what should be a
wonderful event for both families.
I’m MOH and currently planning a bridal shower. One of the bridesmaids is the grooms little sister that is still in high school. Should she be included in the planning and paying for the bridal shower? I feel weird asking someone so young to help pay for things….
nicole,
no, technically she does not help pay; give her things to do though like putting together favors and other things that could help the bride. so your on the right track with not asking someone so young!!
With the way the economy is the mom of the teen (grooms mom) could contribute.
Hi, I am a BM for a double wedding. I don’t know the other bride, and only see the bride I know once or twice a year (family member). I know none of the other BMs, MOH, etc. I got an invite to the shower (!) a few weeks ago. No calls ahead, no input, just an invite. Not consulted about anything. According to the brides mom, no one knew who I was and “just forgot” about me. I got a call today from another BM, who said they are “finalizing” things and the cost of the shower would be split b/t the BMs!. When she told me the cost (well over 300.00 a person) I about had a stroke. Told her flat out I wasn’t giving them the $. Apparently over 100 people are invited, it is at a restaurant, etc. What is my responsibility in this situation? I don’t have this kind of $, and certainly don’t feel responsible for the other bride’s cost..thanks!
elaine,
this is rude to suggest this much money from a bm and you are right to not do this. if you are not involved in anything then technically you cant be considered a host. it is unfair that noone consulted you to see if you could pay this amount. you are not responsible for the other bride only the one who invited you to be bm. however, they must be doubling everything?!? it would have been better to have separate showers. since you havent seen the bride no more than you have, i WOULD opt to bow out gracefully; because it looks as if the restaurant is already booked and to late to suggest a less expensive alternative. so many unnecessary dilemmas arise like these when the true meaning is lost in the midst and bm or others that may want to share in the day are pushed to opting out as a result of not being included in the planning. i do hate to hear how this is going for you. i do hope all works out for you in this situation.
NO their is no doubbling they are sisters same people and family one sister has 4 guest from the groom to be family which she did not have to pay .they are sisters. save a dates were sent a year in advance to eveyone including the BM names a clearly printed 60 people coming to shower a little over$ 200.00 which includes the party favors, decorations, invites, stamps and a gift for only One bride is all she was asked.Maybe the BM should have read her Save A date she would have seen the were sisters.
or read the invations .She wants out and i would love that to happen .
The Proud Mother of the two
TO BE
I am the oldest bride for the double wedding. My wedding day will be a very happy day- not only will I marry a man I am inlove with and dated for 9 years- but I have the priveledge to share this day with my sister who means the world to me. My sister and I worked together planning a wedding that will be nice with a bridal party of close friends and family, picking people we thought would love to be there. Our maid of honors (Aunts) chose to have a shower in which we would enoy, a time to relax and have fun.Although most details will be a surprise to me- I am upset to here about the problems this is causing. Sorry you didn’t call me sooner. I would appreciate it if you step down from the bridal party. I want people in the party who want to be there not because they feel obligated. The Party will go on- I want it to be a peaceful experiance for my sister and I.
The Oldest Bride Amy
Good for you this is your special day and you should enjoy it
Good Luck
remember it only takes one bad apple to ruin the whole
bunch. you and your sister will enjoy the day with out her.
I’m sorry but am I the only person who thinks it’s freaking outlandish to ask anybody to pay $300 for a bridal shower? I know I know it’s your special day but just because you’re getting married doesn’t mean you get to do whatever you want.
This is pretty sad that a family has decided to come on a message board and rip someone to pieces. This has to be one of the least classy things I have read in regards to weddings.
Where can you go for $200? How about have the shower at somebody’s house or at a church? Pot luck people it ain’t that hard
This is just sad and shameful. You should all be embarrassed.
Wow-I don’t know if the WHOLE STORY is on this board, but what I do know is that I am embarrassed for you and your family to have put ALL you business on here. Yes, your BM started it, but you and your whole family replied on here. It’s kind of sad. You are right, your wedding should be as worry free as much as possible, but come on, not everyone can pay as much as others and shouldn’t be asked to step down because of it. So sad… I can understand that you are hurt, but I bet she is too…
Elaine,
I read your comment then all the ones underneath it. First of all for anyone to just expect you to pay $300 or more for a bridal shower is RIDICULOUS!!! Second these people are very obviously so classless that they had to respond to you on a website!!!! Are they mad that you needed advice and went on the web? It’s not like you gave their names or anything you were simply asking for opinions. I think it is completely tacky and RUDE for the bride to ask you to step down from her wedding on a website! Does she not have a phone???They are saying that you are making this stressful for them but it looks like they are just a bunch of drama. While it is the bridesmaids responsibility to throw the shower for the brides (which you knew going into it that it was a double wedding) it shouldn’t cost you a small fortune and NOBODY should have an issue with you not being able to afford it. Everyone’s situations are different. The person who commented that you were being cheap obviously doesn’t know what she is talking about because you can have a VERY nice shower for that many people for WAY less then $300 per bridesmaid, I know I’ve done it.
I’m sorry that you are going thru this drama. GOOD LUCK with these CRAZIES!!!!
Hi,
My niece is having a bridal shower given by her MOH. The invites were sent out asking most to all of the invitees to bring some kind of food and the MOH will contact them to let each know how many people are coming!!!!
I have heard there are a few people NOT coming because of this. Is this proper way to do this? I was told my niece is trying to have a proper etiquette wedding and this does not seem correct.
I know times are tough but it appears the MOH is doing what I have seen is not what a bridal shower should be, in that asking all the female guests of the wedding to attend. I also have been told the other BM are not helping at all.
jeff,
you dont invite guests to a bridal shower and state for them to bring food. the moh is the host and is required to provide all the refreshments unless it was a potluck and agreed upon by all.
*Wedding Showers ( this is proper etiquette)
Actually – it just depends on the kind of party that is being held. We had a recipe / kitchen party for my sister-in-law and it was bring your favorite dish along with the recipe and the gift was all related to the kitchen / entertaining. This way the bride can taste your recipe and know what she’s fixing. In the invite we sent out index cards and collected them after the party and made a cookbook out of it.
My sister-in-law loved it and uses the recipes collected all the time!
Hi… i was wondering if you have a desitination wedding with a few people and then have a reception party for everyone afterwords, can you still throw a bridal shower?
kim,
*Destination Wedding Etiquette -
*bridal shower etiquette
yes as long as you HAVING a reception for everyone, if your not then the shower isnt appropriate.
kim, here is the link that didnt work….
*destination wedding etiquette
Hi,
I think we have the oddest situation and I am at a loss for how this should have been handle. The bridal shower for our niece is coming up and since none of the BM or MOH (and there are 7 of them) planned a thing, the brides mother and aunts planned a beautiful shower at a restaurant with all the trimmings. Only women were invited. The groom is attending the shower. One “guest”, the girfriend of the grooms uncle sent her rsvp that she was attending along with the UNCLE!!!! This is unheard of in our family and we think it is incredibly rude to just invite yourself, and especially since he is a male. The bride and groom are now fine with this… (what else could they say) The reason given for his attendance at this all women affair is to represent the family…….. He will be the only male there other than the groom. Even the bride’s father is not attending for obvious reasons. How else could this have tactfully been handled when that email rsvp showed up. My response would have been thank you and happy to meet you, however this is for women only. Any advise for future brides and us would be interesting!!!
Thanks,
Kathy
kathy, wow! i hate to hear this. it will be a difficult process since the groom is attending also. the only fair thing to do since it is for “women only” is to have no males there including the groom, but if this cant be done then the hosts need to say in a kind manner that although thats very thoughtful that he would want to be there it is for women only ( if he says the groom will be there say he is the only exception since this is being thrown in their honor)
another thing is maybe the groom could wait til the last 15-30 minutes to show up and hang out. this is normal too. generally to help load gifts etc. plus the bride and groom arent suppose to be involved in the planning at all. since they are not hosts and you are then the planning rules are in your favor also ( in this case) the girlfriend will stand up for the family. i would definitely handle this cause it is very rude of him to invite himself. i do wish you the best!
Hi Kathy,
Goodness. That is a bit of a mess. My suggestion would be to reply to the email RSVP and indicate to the Uncle that he may feel a bit “outnumbered” as he will be the only rooster guest at the hen party…..
OR if their is any lingerie going to be presented at this shower, that his presence could be embarrassing to the bride…. GOOD LUCK!!
We are playing a couple of games at the brides’s shower. Do winners of the games keep the prize rhey have won or give it to the bride?
linda, they are the winners to keep.
hello, I am a bridesmaid and the MoH and I are hosting the bridalshower at my house. The guest list has grown to be 40 people. We’re having an indoor/outdoor shower on my back deck. (my house is not that big). I was wondering with a shower of that size, is it rude not to open the gifts in front of everyone? The recent showers I’ve been to, people get pretty bored sitting and watching that. Your thoughts are much appreciated.
Thanks, Stephanie
stephanie,
yes you should open the gifts at the shower, since that is one of the main reasons for the shower. find a great lil’ spot and have someone sitting beside you to handle setting gifts, throw away paper (immediately) and write down who gave what so you can send out thank you cards later. it will help keep you organized. one thing you can do is have your bm help you unwrap them(though some may dislike this). one way to avoid ALL that writing is look at the guest list and prewrite or print from computer, all the guests that way when you open gifts you can just look at the name and write down the gift.
example:
Guests(preprinted): handprint:
aunt sally: toaster
jenny: blender
cousin martha: towels/washcloths
i think the more help you have the quicker the process will be. i also just read where it was requested that guests wrap them in clear cellophane. to me it is taking the fun out of it and the shower is losing what it stands for in the first place. the oh’s and ah’s of what you get. it would be like having a birthday party and waiting til the guests are gone to open gifts. i would open them definitely. sometimes not all the guests will be sitting and watching. some will be talking and just glancing/smiling. so maybe that will help.
What is the etiquette regarding how many showers a couple should have for their wedding? Recently, it seems friends and family members have had an excess of showers (one couple had 5. Yes – 5). For my wedding there was 1. It included my family and fiancee’s family. Is it just me that thinks it’s slightly arrogant to have several wedding/bridal showers for 1 wedding?
Also, I’m a little confused and bothered. I’m a BM in B-I-L’s wedding, and just asked the bride about the shower (assuming that she would expect her BM’s to host). She said her mom and a friend of her mom have discussed hosting, and she would let me know what they decide. Isn’t it the job of the MOH and BM’s to host the shower?
confused bride,
technically yes. the moh and bridesmaids host the shower but so much is changing these days. i would talk to the brides mother and discuss this. if you want to host it and feel like it is being taken away from you. the mothers are not suppose to throw a shower and the bride isnt suppose to expect one or even be involved in the planning. it could be the mother wants to be involved. this would help with finances, so it could be a blessing in disguise. but if she is taking over it wouldnt be the proper thing to do. you can have more than one shower but if the guest list is the same then they are not required to bring another gift; although most will. i made some suggestions to other brides about having themed showers. this would work well in this case too, if you wanted to do something fun.( then the bride will get different things other than household stuff) another idea is to get JUST the bride and bm together and have a special day out. pool your resources together and give her a day at a spa or lunch and a fave activity to do or just give her a GREAT couples gift ( like a gift card or massages at the honeymoon spot(find out where they are going) i promise THEY will be thrilled)alot of times the bride wants something other to do than JUST wedding activities, it will help her unwind. i would just look at what would mean the most to her and go from there. sometimes bridesmaids look at it like getting off the hook(with someone else hosting it) and being able to have an outing that is even more spectacular than throwing the shower. if it were me i would LOVE having a theme shower or a day out with just my bm, i would get a chance to relax from the stress of planning, to me that goes beyond getting something for the house!!! a
just a thought.
*Throwing a Great Bridal Shower
let me know if you need xtra help; i would love to give you more ideas!!! have a great day!!
Confused Bride,
I was recently the MOH and was confused about who was supposed the pay for what. It ended up that the bride’s mother and I threw the shower together because the other BM’s lived in a different state and it turned out really great because who knows the bride better then her closest friend and her family?. If you feel like you are being left out make sure you tell them that you want to do something special for the bride and that you would like to be in charge of aspect of the shower whether it be the cake or the decorations or the games. This way no ones feelings get hurt and everyone gets to be involved and it’s more cost effective for everyone!
I am supposed to be throwing a shower for my sister, but herfiance’s mother has decided to take over. She has picked a day sent out invites and only to her family, my mother, me, and only a couple of friends my sister knows. Also she plaing this at a time that is only convienent for her and her daughter. I am really frustrated and don’t know what I can do or say to her to get things changed?
lisa,
) and proceed planning a shower for her anyway- with people that are close to your sister dont omit the grooms family from this party, it will be rude even with your present circumstances… 
) turn it into a “fun” day. everyone go to a restaurant and have lunch, or if budget doesnt allow then have a luau style party or (wherever her honeymoon is) a destination theme shower. honeymoon bridal showers(she could actually get help with the honeymoon (google honeymoon registry) with $$$ or items, swimsuits , or ski jackets etc. (depending where they will be going.) are becoming the rage and your sis will most likely get the toasters etc. at the first shower, so step out and give her a DAY to remember!!! it is so easy to let someone frustrate you but i would take this and turn it into an opportunity to throw a great party. even a spa themed bridal shower would be ideal, i am sure she would love a mani, pedi or a facial. how relaxing!! :clapclap:
ouch! i hate your going through this dilemma. unfortunately, she has sent out invites there is not much that can be done. however, there is a rainbow!! go through with this shower(ugh! i know
so many of these dilemmas arise when focus is taking off the true meaning of the wedding. i do hope this helps and i hope you can plan a wonderful day for your sister!!!
google: honeymoon bridal shower
spa theme bridal shower
travel bridal shower
also orientaltrading.com one of the cheapest places for those lil’ umbrellas; among other CHEAP but tasteful decor!! have fun!!
Hello!
I am the MOH and I am having the bridal shower in about a month. The bride mentioned having alcohol (wine, sangria or margarita’s) at the shower. I have never been to a shower with alcohol and I was wondering if that was common/etiquette?? I don’t have a large budget and would rather not spend the money if it is not necessary.
I too have a small budget, but am having an alcoholic punch at the shower in addition to sodas. A punch is easier becuase there is only one kind of alcoholic beverage choice and you don’t have to keep remaking it. I’m making a Lemonade and Midori punch and adding slices lemons and limes for color.
My daughter (a bridesmaid) and I are hosting a shower for her friend. A couple of questions:
1. Guests invited to wedding from out-of-town (FAR out of town); have sent regrets to wedding. Appropriate to invite to a shower?
2. At what age should an female child living in her parents’ home receive a separate invitation?
3. Is is appropriate to invite youngl children — toddlers, babes in arms, elementary school-age children to an open house bridal shower?
mary,
1) yes it is rude not to invite someone even if you know they cant make it.
2)over the age of 18 receives a separate invite even if living at home.
3)yes it is. but usually mothers etc, will have a babysitter. i have been to several bridal showers and some there were kids and some not so many. i would leave this decision to the parents or the legal guardians.
* Can Kids Come To a Bridal Shower
I am the mother of the groom. The wedding is going to be about 4 hours away and the brides family lives about 3 hours away. There is only one MOH who is the brides sister, no other attendants. Who should give the shower for the grooms family. He has four sisters. Should they give the shower even though they are not in the wedding? Should we notify the MOH. Should we invite the brides mother and the MOH to the grooms side shower? I don’t think I should give the shower since I am the grooms mother. Please advise.
debbie,
technically no your not suppose to but unless there isnt anyone else tha volunteers i would. no the sisters should not give a shower if they are not invited tothe wedding unless they just choose to whether they are invited or not. but if it is on bad grounds they are not invited then i wouldnt push that issue. yes if you can throw a shower it would be thoughtful to invite the brides mother and the moh, even if they cant make it. so yes go ahead in this case and throw a great shower!!
Hi Debbie,
If I understand your question correctly the grooms sisters can throw a shower together even though they are not in the wedding. They love their brother and can do so as a welcome to the family for both bride and groom. You should notify the MOH and invite her and the brides mother as well. If the sisters do not want to throw the shower, I do not think it inappropriate for you to throw one yourself. It’s been done before. Good luck.
Thank you so much. I am not sure why the sisters are having such a hard time throwing a shower. They think that since they can go to her faily shower which is 3 1/2 hours away that is good enough. I keep sayig that there are others that would come to a local shower but notone that is far away.
I am mob and was wondering, my daughter is getting married in a differnet town. They are limited for the # guests. her moh is having a shower in our town can you invite people not invited to the wedding?
I am in the same dilemma. My daughter is having a second wedding and it’s the first for the groom. Budget requires a small family wedding. Is it right to invite people to the shower who are not invited to the wedding.
luann and contralto,
unfortunately no. it is rude to invite guests to a shower and not in the celebration of the wedding day.
*Wedding Etiquette
*Invite to bridal shower, but not the wedding??? ( it also has the link to emily post etiquette for this situation.)
I agree. It is rude to invite people to a shower who are not invited to a wedding.
I am the MOH in a wedding in May, the bride lives in another state and is coming back for a bridal shower I am throwing next month. The bride’s mother (who is verbally abusive to the bride behind closed doors) has called me and said that she would like to help. I am not sure I even want her help b/c I know how horrible she is to her daughter. I have already told the bride that I am ready to take her mom out if she tries to ruin her wedding day.
What job could I give her for the shower that she can’t mess up?
brenda, what a dilemma for the bride. technically the brides mother does not help plan or host the shower. it is the moh and the bridesmaids. so unless you just want to do this your off the hook. just keep things smooth and thank her for her help but you really have everything done. if you still want to give her a job, have her make a dish or help clean up (this is always a great thing to have a team of helpers), help with decor. otherwise i would just keep it to the bridal party. good luck!!
*Who can throw a Bridal Shower?
What is a traditional gift for the mother of the groom to give at the bridal shower?
I am MOH for my friend who is getting married. She just emailed me a guest list for the shower…almost 90 people!!! Postage alone for the invites will kill the budget and even if only half of them come – how am I gonna feed all those people. It feels tacky to me – but I don’t know how to get her to pare it all down. Plus she didnt register anywhere and really just wants money -???????
brokeMOH, wow! that is alot of guests! smile! i would talk to her and tell her you cant afford that. and she didnt register? no this is rude you cant just ask for money. you cant tell guests waht they are going to give the bride. she cant put this all on you.
the bride cannot go over the amount the bridesmaids and moh agree on. the bride isnt suppose to be involved. however, if you do plan to do this. have cake and punch. it is plenty and will satisfy all guests. can include ice cream if you want and simple finger sandwiches and chips. for 90 people this WILL fit into a small budget. i have actually never seen anything more than a cake and punch bridal shower. think inexpensive decor etc. axe the whole lunch idea. this will be tooooo expensive. have your bridesmaid get together and make the food. add veggie and fruit trays. i promise this is pretty cheap!! or do a nice pasta bridal shower. spaghetti, salad, garlic bread(this is cheap and goes along way) with cake. voila!! hope this helps!!
*Would an old fahsion Bridal Shower be boring?
*Who pays for the bridal shower??
*Do bridesmaids always pay for the bridal shower?
*Too broke to be your maid of honor
I am the bride, we’re getting married 6 hours away, my Mom & BMs are throwing me a small casual shower at my mom’s house and my Dad(my parents are divorced and do NOT get a long) and his gifrlfriend are throwing me a couples shower/cookout party for his side, both showers in my hometown-2hours away from ym fiance’s family. My fiance’s mother hasnt said anything about having a shower or anything for us in his hometown, where all of his family lives. Should I expect them all to drive to my hometown for the shower when we’re already asking them to drive so far for the wedding? And if, so do I invite them to my mom’s or dad’s shower? OR, would it be rude to ask my fiance’s mother if she would like possibly get some of his family together for a small shower-like gathering of sometype?
Please Help!
Confused
confused,
have a wonderful time and great wedding!!
you will probably have to invite them to one of the showers that are being thrown. you cant ask someone to throw you a shower,(they are not required-only a thoughtful thing to do for the bride) you are not suppose to be involved at all. but, you can get your fiance to bring up the idea to see if his family hs anything planned. just for curiosities sake. i would add their names to the simple casual shower, keeping the guest list tothe women. that way they may carpool etc. but whatever you do dont ask for someone to throw you a shower, it would be rude not to invite his family tothe shower cause i bet they are wondering the same thing!!