The Basics of Bridal Shower Etiquette
While showers have evolved into something more relaxed in recent years, you should still know the basics of bridal shower etiquette to avoid a chance of offending anyone.
Since there will probably be disparate groups at the shower — friends, family and co-workers, usually — it's important to understand how everyone should interact. Especially in the case of family: mothers and grandmothers can place great weight on proper bridal shower etiquette, so make sure you know "the rules"!
The Maid of Honor's usually the person who plans and organizes the bridal shower. If she lives out of town, however, it's fine for someone else to do the honors.
Don't take over without checking with her, though. It's her privilege, and you should always ask her before assuming anything. If you're going to do it for her, make sure you keep her comfortably involved through frequent emails and phone calls.
Bridal shower etiquette traditionally says that a shower should take place at least four to six weeks before the wedding. This is just for practical reasons — the bride's going to be too busy any closer to the ceremony — but if she's coming home only two weeks before the wedding, talk to her and see how she feels about having a shower in her honor so close to the wedding. Chances are, she'll think that's fine if most of her friends can manage to come.
There's been an uncomfortable trend in recent years for large showers, where nearly everyone the bride knows gets an invite. This isn't quite what the bridal shower is supposed to be, though. At least by tradition, a bridal shower's meant to be a small, intimate gathering of the bride's closest friends and family. Proper etiquette dictates a group of no more than ten to twenty guests.
Who the guest list should include: the wedding party, the mothers of the bride and groom, sisters of the bride and groom, and the bride's closest friends and/or coworkers. Contrary to some recent practices, it probably shouldn't include every woman invited to the wedding.
Finally, bridal shower etiquette means making a special point of including the wedding party members ... and the mothers. Ask each of these people to take on some particular responsibility, whether it's recording a list of the givers as the gifts are opened, or running the party games. This will help everyone feel like a key part of this special day.
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mary,
as long as there are no bm or noone else to throw the shower it is fine. usually the bm and the moh do this. it is poor taste to ask. a bride shouldnt ask someone to throw her a shower. hopefully someone will step up an host one, there is no harm in telling your mom(if the wedding is drawing near and still no shower) to hint you would love one, she could pass the word in a subtle way.
Is it proper etiquette for a bride to be..ask her (not yet) sister in laws to throw a bridal shower for her? None of them are in the wedding party..However, their husbands are.
Just wondering what is proper.
Thank you
I am co-hosting a bridal shower for a friend who has everything she needs (she’s 46) and so does her fiance who lives in another state (she’s moving to his state to live immediately after the wedding). On the shower invitations I want to state “there will be a money tree in lieu of gifts to help send the happy couple on their honeymoon” Is this OK ? - she would prefer help with the honeymoon (which is already paid for) and not have to pack and transport things she really doesn’t need.
beth, i wouldnt put “money tree” wording on invites, it is improper to ask, but check out these links!!
*Invited to a “Money Shower” — Now What?
*What to put on a money bridal shower invitation? - Yahoo! Answers
Hello,
I am wondering if it is inappropriate to ask the attendees to pay for a portion of the shower? We are planning on going to a fancy hotel for tea & then having a spa treatment afterwards. If the hosts cover one of the activities, is it okay to say on the invites that other costs are covered individually?
hi jen, no, its improper to invite guests and ask them to pay for a part of the shower. they are not even required to bring a gift. i would choose activities within a budget that the hosts can afford. otherwise, have a simple spa day at another time as a planned get together agreed among your friends(say bachelorette day), in this case they will pay for their day. but not for the shower.
* Bridal Shower Etiquette for sit down dinner
* Does everyone pay at a bridal shower at a restaurant?
If the bride elopes, is it proper to have a bridal shower after the elopement?
jen, there is usually not a bridal shower in this event. are you having a reception later for friends and family then you could squeeze in a bridal shower. some consider it poor taste to have a shower and guests do not attend the wedding. but with today’s bending of etiquette i dont see why you cant. i say go ahead. it would also be fun to go with a newer trend. co-ed, it would be more like a reception but it would be fun! and everyone you love there with you.
* Registry and showers but eloping?? HELP!!
* Etiquette ~ Bridal Shower, if eloping?
* Rule for a reception after eloping?
My question is that my wedding is going to be in Las Vegas and I don’t have a bridal party, is it ok for a family member to host a shower or should i go without?
melissa, hi go ahead with a bridal shower!! in the case there is not a bridal party it is perfectly fine for a family member to host one!! enjoy your day!! dont go without it!!
My brother is getting married, and my mom INSISTS that I throw a shower for my father’s side of the family. Is this really necessary????
bsumsmeyer, noone should insist someone throw a shower. this is done out of thoughtfulness. i am assuming the families may not get along well, if together. what role do you have in the wedding? unless your a maid of honor or bridesmaid then, you are not required to throw a bridal shower unless there isnt anyone else.
its not thoughtful if someone makes you throw a shower. there should be an aunt or someone to throw the shower. fish around and find out. you could place in a hint in someones ear. though it is not required its still nice!! i have some links that may give some advice though may not completely pertain to the situation. plus throwing a shower might make you unhappy and noone should put you in that situation. it should be YOUR idea to throw one , if thats waht you chose to do. weddings should be a happy occasion, it shouldnt be about conflicts. hope it helps!!
* Mom not invited to bridal shower….what to do????
* What is the proper etiquette for a bridal shower?
* Separate Bridal Shower?
bsumsmeyer,
correction about above statement i meant an aunt on your dads side,that there may be an aunt or someone who could, throw a shower.
oops!!
SHOULD TYHE MOTHER OF THE GROOM GIVE A SHOWER FOR THE B RIDE? IS THIS THE PROPER THING TO DO? ALSO SHOULD THE MOTHER OF THE GROOM GIVE A GIFT AT ALL THE SHOWERS?
ann,
not usually, according to etiquette, it is given by the maid of honor and bm unless there is noone then it can be done. you do not have to bring a gift to each one. but one way you could if you chose, is think of a gift price say 50.00 you could buy a 30.00 gift 1st, 20.00 next then a 10.00. a bride is not suppose to have more than 2 showers, by etiquette.
* Primary Responsibilities for The Mother of The Groom | The Mother of the Bride
* BRIDAL SHOWERS & OTHER PRE-WEDDING PARTIES
I am the MOH for my sister. They are having a New Year’s Eve wedding. The wedding party is small - only me and her two closest friends. We have a very large extended family that we are very close to and once you also add in her friends and the wives of the groomsmen, the bridal shower invitation list is almost 40 people. There really aren’t any that you can cut out without offending someone or even my sister by not inviting everyone that she put on the list. None of us have a house large enough to host it at and most of the halls around us are dumps, so we are having it at a local restaurant. Once you add in the cost of the food, tax and the automatic 20% gratuity/service fee, favors, cake and any other bits of miscellany that pop up, it is coming to a serious chunk of change. We have each already put out over $200 for the dress, not to mention shoes, getting hair done day of, etc.
My question is, putting out so much for the shower and wedding, is it necessary for the bridal party to get the bride/couple a gift for the shower and wedding itself? I have been planning on putting more in than the other two since I am the MOH as well as her sister. The other two are on extremely fixed budgets. One has only recently gotten a job after being laid off for months. Does the throwing of the shower count as a gift itself? Do we go in on something together for the shower, but on our own for the wedding? I am single and they are each married.
Not that I could have said no to the request, I knew going into the situation that I would be spending a decent amount of money to be a part of their day. I am not trying to be cheap. I have been in 5 weddings (as a bridesmaid) and not minded paying my portion for any of them, but there were always more members of the bridal party to contribute to the overall cost of things. Things are adding up quickly and it looks like its going to be almost $1,000 after it is all said and done. And that’s before even thinking about a gift. I love my sister and don’t want to offend anyone, but at what point do you say enough is enough? And it doesn’t help that this is all happening smack dab in the middle of Christmas season, when money is tight to begin with.
Lastly, is it tacky to ask guests to fill out an envelope with their address on it for her thank you cards? I have been to showers where they did this and used the envelopes as a sort of raffle to give out a “door prize” or the centerpieces.
to clarify - $1,000 for me personally all inclusive, not $1,000 just for the shower (but it will be close)
hi karen, usually the bm go in together and get a gift. it does not have to be “elaborate” but tasteful, and thoughtful. i dont see where each of you have to get a gift. i definitely understand your dilemma. i have a suggestion. have you talked to the restaurant to see if you can bring your own food say appetizers and punch.?
i went to a bridal shower a couple years ago. they allowed us to make whatever we wanted, we axed the punch because it was easier to order the beverages. there was no alcohol. the local supermarket made the best sheet cake and we sat it on a fab stand. you could also look at round cakes and set them on nice stands like cake plates with surrounding flowers and greenery at base. make sure they are different heights and preferably all clear, dont worry if the pattern is not identical. i think if you cut out the big food it would drop the cost, as well as the waiters. see if you can pay a lower fee to use the room like we did. it was 50.00 for 4 hours and this restaurant is definitely nice.
if you have time and that venue wont allow my suggestions i would scout around. even if a friend belongs to a local church there is a possibly free venue. i would do a simple “tea” style party. i am sure friends and family would love to do this. also is your venue room private? i would definitely feel more comfy with a private room for the party. Here are some fun themes/ideas for showers.
* Wedding Channel: Bridal Shower Themes
* iVillage: Light Luncheon Menu for a Bridal Shower
* Bridal shower tea party
* flickr: tea party cupcakes (for bridal fair) (i love this!! wow!! gorgeous cupcakes in tea cups and a favor all in one!!)
* Pink and Green Weddings (this is great decor for a hip shower)
i saw on one of these sites to make it elegant with simple touches like drinking tea out of wine goblets. keep decor simple and elegant. we only needed a few well placed arrangements, an embroidered bride-to-be ribbon to tie around her chair. keep the menu with great assorted sandwiches, pasta salads, fruit trays or better yet strawberries with chocolate dip. or already dipped and arranged nicely. assorted other fruits and veggies. scones and jams. pull out those great party recipes that are tried and true or new ones you have been eager to try!! come up with a color theme or a beautiful pale pink and cream or white stripe or a fun polka dot theme. keep it romantic and feminine. write back if you need more help!
i am not sure i would do the envelope idea. i might go another route, like a game. Some links for those:
* Complete list of bridal shower games contributed by visitors
* Abbee bridal shower games
* Party 411 shower games
* Bliss weddings bridal shower games
* The Knot / complete list of bridal shower games
I have been invited to a bridial shower and have been asked to bring a dish to share. Thats great but later in the evening we are taking the bride out to dinner and go bowling. The maid of honor is telling every one to pay $20 to cover her cost to have the party and to pay for the brides dinner and bowling. When she pays herself back for the party then she would give the bride what is left.
I can see paying for the brides portion but is it normal for the maid of honor to pay herself for giving the party?
No that is not normal, it sounds like the maid of honor is cheap and a little bit of a freeloader. IF you all are going out to dinner later, then why is she requesting that guest bring a dish? Also, why would the money that you are to pay go to her and then what ever is left goes to the bride? That means that she is trying to “get over ” as we say , becuase she making the guest “overpay” or else there would not be any money left. And even if you have only 5 people at this party, it cost $100 for one person ( the bride) to bowl and drink? That is very odd.
When you give a shower, the person who has it pays for it, its like a gift! When I give showers, it comes out of my pocket….now true you may ask your guest to bring a dish if you are haveing a sort of potluck shower, but I still would supply the decorations, and the cake, etc…but to then ask them to pay for it is tacky.
So you have a choice in this matter. Obviously you know the bride or you wouldn’t have been invited, but is the Maid of Honor a friend of yours? If so, then do you feel comfortable having a converstaion with her lack of “party planning skills” Or if you know the other people invited to the party, speak to the Maid of Honor as a group…and express your concerns as a united front.
You can also, not bring a dish to the party , but pay the $20, since you are basically paying that money to eat anyway , as she said its to cover the party expenses.
Or don’t go the party ( tell them that you have a previously scheduled appt that you can’t miss, but you want to come out) and meet them at dinner that night, so you won’t be paying that $20 fee.
Or you can just do as she has requested and pay the fee and bring a party dish if you just don’t want to make a big deal out of it and deal with the hassle .
Whatever you do, I wouldn’t tell the Bride about your “concerns” …at least until after the wedding…
This happens a lot. It’s the new way of doing things.
My friend is having a very small wedding. Many co-workers will not be attending. Is it acceptable to have a shower and invite those who wish to celebrate with her but were not invited to the wedding itself?
I just found out that I’m the Maid of Honour in my close friends wedding. The dates for everything have already been set. The shower, the social/shag etc etc. I know the Maid of Honour is generally the one to throw the shower however I live out of town. By making the special trips in to help plan, is it customary for a gift at the shower, and the wedding from the Maid of Honour?
Never been involved in the planning of a wedding before… completely lost here, any help is greatly appreciated!
My best friend is getting married in Feb. 09. She does not have a maid of honor and her three bridesmaid all live out of state. I’m in Florida, she’s in Oregon. It makes for a heck of a commute. What’s the etiquette about throwing her a bridal shower? Should I organize it? Should all three of the bridesmaids organize it? I don’t really know her in-state family well enough to approach them for advice. She deserves a shower, but the logistics seem insurmountable. Any advice you can provide would be very helpful!
I attended an on-line shower a few years ago for a sorority sister. Everyone - the wedding party - and all of the sorority women were all over the country. It was set up like a webmeeting - The gifts were sent to the bride’s home. The bride’s mom and siter were with her to help record the gifts. She opened the presents - had a webcam - so we were able to see what she got. It was actualy really fun. The maid of honor mailed all of the attendees a little box with a little favor, some fun college photos and a package of cookies (instead of the 14lbs of snacks you eat at average shower)
My family is having a shower for my cousin, the bride. She wants a special dessert that is costly and when my aunts approached her, she told them the groom was going to pay b/c she really wanted them. The aunts already offered to supply the desired treats sans photos she wanted put on them from another source, at a fair price. Now everyone is offended. Any advice?
everyone needs to relax and breathe…. let the bride have what she wants and let it go…. too much controlling going on. This is bride’s day - you should support her and even if it is a silly request - we all make mistakes, no reason to act silly back
I am planning a bridal luncheon for my sister. Even though it’s her second wedding, I still wanted to do something special with just the women….about 20 people. I am not calling it a shower because the have everthing they could possibly want already but I wanted to do a small favor..like a bud vase or somehing. Any thoughts? And if I call it a luncheon, would people bring a gift?
Janet,
You are fine serving wine! My sister had concktails at her shower at it was an added bonus. If the other maids can’t contribute you can put in their share. Whatever works for you as a group. If you feel weird about contributing for them, downsize the shower. I am sure the bride will be very happy to have her closest women friends/family with her and not whether there is wine!
how long should a bridal shower last? is wine appropriate at a bridal shower luncheon? some of the bridesmaids can’t contribute? is it ok if i put in their share?
Vicki, It is custom for the mother of the bride to give her daughter lingerie at the shower. Otherwise, no, it isn’t usually done. The moms usually help a lot in hosting (and often footing the bill) though!
Hannah, It is fine to host the shower at your mom’s house. On the invite you should write who it is hosted by though…you!
Juliette, Yes this is rude and totally tacky. It’s just a ploy to get gifts, unless it is a work function throwing a shower for the bride as a congratulations with no strings attached.
Laurie, cake is optional and not really needed.
Stacy, yes! Invite them! They don’t need to bring gifts though.
Amelia, The same thing happened to me. Yes, they should have invited you.
Should the mother of the bride bring a gift to a bridal shower or showers?
I hosted a bridal shower for my niece since none of her bridesmaids wanted to do it.
It did take a lot of time and cost me several hundred dollars. She thanked me when she left, but that’s it. Shouldn’t she have sent a thank you note or something to
express her appreciation?