The Basics of Bridal Shower Etiquette
While showers have evolved into something more relaxed in recent years, you should still know the basics of bridal shower etiquette to avoid a chance of offending anyone.
Since there will probably be disparate groups at the shower — friends, family and co-workers, usually — it's important to understand how everyone should interact. Especially in the case of family: mothers and grandmothers can place great weight on proper bridal shower etiquette, so make sure you know "the rules"!
The Maid of Honor's usually the person who plans and organizes the bridal shower. If she lives out of town, however, it's fine for someone else to do the honors.
Don't take over without checking with her, though. It's her privilege, and you should always ask her before assuming anything. If you're going to do it for her, make sure you keep her comfortably involved through frequent emails and phone calls.
Bridal shower etiquette traditionally says that a shower should take place at least four to six weeks before the wedding. This is just for practical reasons — the bride's going to be too busy any closer to the ceremony — but if she's coming home only two weeks before the wedding, talk to her and see how she feels about having a shower in her honor so close to the wedding. Chances are, she'll think that's fine if most of her friends can manage to come.
There's been an uncomfortable trend in recent years for large showers, where nearly everyone the bride knows gets an invite. This isn't quite what the bridal shower is supposed to be, though. At least by tradition, a bridal shower's meant to be a small, intimate gathering of the bride's closest friends and family. Proper etiquette dictates a group of no more than ten to twenty guests.
Who the guest list should include: the wedding party, the mothers of the bride and groom, sisters of the bride and groom, and the bride's closest friends and/or coworkers. Contrary to some recent practices, it probably shouldn't include every woman invited to the wedding.
Finally, bridal shower etiquette means making a special point of including the wedding party members ... and the mothers. Ask each of these people to take on some particular responsibility, whether it's recording a list of the givers as the gifts are opened, or running the party games. This will help everyone feel like a key part of this special day.
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I am planning a Bridal shower for my sister who currently resides in a tiny apartment with her fiance and they plan to stay another year there after the wedding. Well currently they do not need anything for a house and no room to store anything since they won’t know how big ect the house will be. My question is, is it inappropriate to have a gift card shower? where the only registry is for gift cards to loca stores? or is it better to to try something else?
sandi,
this is the type of bridal shower i would want if it were me. 
the more i hear the gift card bridal shower the more appealing it is!! love it!! google gift card bridal shower ( several links). the rules of etiquette are ever bending and there are some great ideas popping up all over the place.
*bridal shower theme ideas
sandi, oh yes! still be prepared for someone to steer from the gift cards and bring a “gift”. it is funny, in some previous posts i hung in the balance about the ever changing wedding “rules”, these new ideas are just so much fun!!
Someone told me they had been to a shower where there were raffles…I’d never heard of it, only at jack and jill’s, but it sounds like a cool idea…anyone else heard of that or think that would be okay???
michelle,
it really is neat, they buy tickets to win a prize and funds go to the honeymoon!! great interactive game!! just google bridal shower raffle tickets. who doesnt love a raffle!! its alot of fun!!
On a Bridal Shower Invitation I received the type of Shower is posted as a “Presentation Shower”. What is a Presentation Shower? The bride is not registered so I am guessing this is a Money Shower. Am I correct?
christine,
your right!! it is a shower for money gifts only.
My fiance and I have decided to have a small intimate wedding… 40 guests in total (max. of 20/side). The wedding was just planned and is scheduled for this October.
My sister is the MOH and asked what I would like to do as far as a bridal shower… and also wants to know who she should invite since there are only 2 close female friends of mine invited to the wedding.
What are rules as far as inviting people to the shower??? Can I invite friends who are not invited to the wedding to a bridal shower???
nikki,
* Bridal Shower Q&A
I am the MOG. We live in another city and state from the couple and the wedding. Is it proper to give a shower with the bride absent?
Jacque,
it would be really difficult. i really love the idea of a shower in a box. it is perfect for these situations.
* Bridal Shower in a Box
*shower in a box
Hello,
My fiance’s parents are divorced, and her mom and her dad’s current girlfriend want to each throw her a bridal shower, almost as a way of keeping the 2 sides of her family (her mom’s and her dad’s) separate. That’s all well and good, but now MY mom (mother of the groom) is asking me if she needs to go to BOTH showers. My initial reaction was no, she should only go to the mother-in-law’s shower, but I am getting ‘guidance’ from my fiance that it would be nice for my mom and sister to attend both showers. I think it’s a little much.
Thoughts?
Brian,
this is a sticky situation…
if your mom and everyone else wont be uncomfy, she could attend but if it may cause a stressful event then i think i would decline. if she is still unsure after weighing the pros and cons, then maybe someone could find out would her presence would make anyone uncomfortable. it would be easier to know for sure what to do in this case.
Question. I am the Mother of the Groom. My son just told me something neither one of us was aware of - that the groom’s side should also give the bride a shower. That would be me giving it. I am looking forward to it, but I have no idea how to go about it. Is it only the women on the groom’s side of the family who should be invited to this? Or, should I be inviting the ladies on the bride’s side, too, although there is a shower planned for her in July by her aunt, in another state. I liked what I was reading on this site about a small, intimate shower! I get nervous around a lot of people and I would really hate to mess something up for our beautiful bride! Thanks for your help!
sara, a shower from groom side and in general are optional. if you want to throw one however are most of the grooms family gonna have the opportunity to attend the main shower? that is sufficient.
remember dont invite someone to the shower thats not invited to the wedding.
for your shower invite the grooms family ( women) unless it is coed. you dont have to invite the ladies on brides side but do invite the brides mother, grandmother, and sisters. the bridal party ( optional) by all means keep it small if you wish!
*bridal shower etiquette
*bridal shower
*Mother of the Groom: Basic Etiquette Q&A
My boyfriend’s childhood friend is getting married again. The bride to be and he live in DC, his family lives in TN (as well as my boyfriend and I), and she is from NC. (Ohh geography). What I would like to do is throw a Bridal Shower for her. The group of guys that they they run with grew up togeather have remained extremely close, and most are married or in other long time serious relationships. All of us gals have grown close, and see each other frequently. I would like to do the party for several reasons. A- To let her know we all accept her ( since she is the second wife) B- To get to know her better C- To let her know she has support in his home territory. So when it gets down to it, I have several questions.
A- Is it appropiate?
B- If so, who should I contact?
C- Am I over stepping the MOH responsibilities. ( I am not in the wedding)
D- Should I also invite the Maid of Honor?
HELP! A very confsed Friend of a Friend!
catherine,
of course a shower is appropriate!smile. what a beautiful gesture. talk to the moh and ask what her plans are. she may want to join forces and plan the shower. inviting the moh is a nice thing also ( yes i would) it could fun for her as well. you can contact other friends who may want to host or host it yourself. it depends on what you would like to do. if the moh is throwing a traditional shower, another type of shower you can consider is a medi/pedi day with lunch and a group gift. you can keep it close knit or larger group. usually these work well in a smaller group. it will give her a chance to relax and just relish in the upcoming days toward the “big day”. also i have previous suggested to other comments. where will the honeymoon take place? a honeymoon theme shower is perfect for a coed shower. think oriental trading for decor in (ex: tropical) if they are going to hawaii. one shower is for toasters and the other is just plain relaxing fun for all. a simple party to celebrate a wedding of 2 people in love to be joined. gifts could be luggage, swimwear, etc. just be careful of gifts that cannot be carried aboard due to flight rules and regulations.
catherine, google search honeymoon theme bridal shower or travel theme bridal shower, spa theme bridal shower. also orientaltrading.com
Quick question: Even though I was persistent, the MOH (who is a good friend of mine) left me out of the shower planning. She booked it at a nice restaurant that the bride suggested for about 10-18 guests. When I asked her if she had spoken to the restaurant about a limited menu so we can keep a budget, she explained that guests were expected to pay for themselves. I was a bit taken aback but then again, I wasn’t allowed to help. I got the invitations and nowhere does it say that guests are expected to pay for their own meals. Now it is too late to change plans and I feel it is a bit tacky and rude to presume that guests will just “know”. How do I handle this when the day comes and Grandma looks at me funny when asked to foot her own bill? Of course, we are covering the brides meal.
confused bm,
usually guests do not pay for their own meals,it is an out of place suggestion. i would either talk to the venue myself and arrange something by talking to them again, usually a restaurant can accommodate soemthing simple. if it is to late, then proceed as planned, i would just have someone pass the word that way it will inform guests. or appoint someone to call and let the guests know. the one thing that concerns me is this: what if someone doesnt have the $$$ to cover what the meal is? can they order their own? i would also add this to the plan that way they can match food with their budget. this will make them feel more comfy. i would have suggested complimentary appetizers(paid by hosts) and stated on small card or bottom of invite ( guests may purchase their own entree if they wish).
Help! A shower is being thrown for me & the guests are mostly family members. 6 family members live many states away. I am 99% sure they would not come to the shower. However, since we’re sending invites to every other female family member, should we to them as well. I don’t want them to feel left out but I also don’t want them to feel like the invite is just a gift request. What do you think??
bride to be
yes it is very thoughtful to include them even if they cant make it. it will appear thoughtful also instead of a gift grabbing!! have a wonderful time!!
My sister is getting married and her friend is the MOH. Her Mother in Law to be has a guest list of 60 for the shower ours is 43. We have opted to do separate showers. We will be inviting her future mother in law & two sister in laws to ours. As they will invite my mom, me & our other sister. Do the MOH and the other three bridesmaids need to be invited to the groom’s side shower? I feel awkward telling her MIL to invite four more people than planned.
carolyn,
there is really no set rule in today’s bridal shower. if there are bm that are known to the groom’s side of the family they could be invited. with bm its usually the bride’s family shower or the moh/bm hosting the shower that the bridal party attends. its a sticky situation but the key is whoever is hosting =inviting guest. an easier way to bring it up is say heh we have talked ( the bridal party) and said if you need any help with the bridal shower we would love to help decorate etc. this will show her that you would really love to come. i hope you get to go!!
Soo…bridal registry…do I add those little cards that they give you into my actual invitation? I read somewhere it was rude, and that word of mouth is the only way to let people know. Then though, why do they offer those cards? I’ve gotten them before in other people invitations. Is it rude? What is the general consensus?
bride2be,
i would go ahead and put them in there. i got a bridal shower invite once that had items printed on back in a elegant way. i thought it was great that i could just run to the store and pick up a gift. but check the registry that way you wont be getting the same gift as someone else.
Bride2Be,
I just wanted to clarify something - your question seemed as though you were asking if you were to include the registry cards in your WEDDING invitation, right? I think Stacey was referring to your shower invitations as it being appropriate, which it most definitely is and that is why stores provide them - for shower invites because that’s exactly what a shower is - showering the new couple with gifts. However, it really is not at all appropriate to include them in your actual wedding invitation. People have no problem learning where you’re registered, but it’s rude to send gift information in any form whatsoever in your wedding invitation. Think of your wedding as YOUR gift to your guests - you’re throwing them a fabulous party. Not inviting them to get you a gift, which everyone will give you anyhow. :)
hi everyone. my good friend is getting married in july and her bridal shower is in the begining of june. I am a bridesmaid in her wedding. I recieved my invitation in the mail and it said that the shower is being given by the maid of honor Jackie. Now my friend (the bride) and her cousin are asking me if I can do desert for the shower. She is invited 50+ people to the shower and it is going to cost a lot of money! My mom and other people are telling me that I should say no because on the invitation it said the party is being given by “jackie” and that I should just give my friend a very nice shower gift. If it had said the bridal party it would be ok. I feel bad saying no bc she is my good friend and I am in her bridal party. What should I do?
dee,
usually bm do help out. it would be a beautiful thing to fix dessert. it doesn’t have to be expensive. is a cake ordered yet? that could be the dessert. or you could do cupcakes with pretty flowers sitting atop. another thing is find a recipe for strawberry shortcake you put in sheet pans. i went to a rehearsal where this was done it wasnt expensive at all. do youhave a to die for dessert like brownies? put a dallop of whipped cream and a sprinkle of cocoa top it off with a plain or chocolate dipped strawberry on the side and you have a showstopper dessert for pennies. just as one pot wonders are cheaper, so are one pan desserts. not to worry this is so doable!! break out that cookbook or computer and whip something fab up!! when youget the ohhh’s and ahhh’s you will be so happy you could help out and the bride will be so pleased!
*also find out if a shower cake will be ordered, if so, see if they’d like an extra flavor cake, if not, then there ya go!! $25.00 sheet cake to feed 50 here i come!!
I am in the same situation as Dee. I am in the bridal party, as my brother is the groom.
I received an email from the MOH…who I have never met… a week before the shower, asking me to pay on the cake and asking me to ask my mother (the mother of the groom) to make a veggie tray. The more I thought about it, the more angry I got. The invites were sent with the MOH’s name on them weeks ago.
Also…I have never met any of these people. (after this I am wondering if I want to) Would it be in poor taste to decide not to go to this “event?”
amanda,
it would be a wonderful thing to help out because your brother is the groom. i understand if it makes you feel uncomfy. i am afraid it may cause more friction if you dont go ( standing up in the bridal party etc.) you do not HAVE to go, still it would be nice since you are a member of the bridal party and you do know the bride. i am not trying to say you MUST pay on the cake or bring a veggie tray and i dont know how the request was presented to you ?!?( offensive, nicely etc) truth is these things are so tricky and can cause relationships to fizzle all for a one day event. if you feel strongly about not going then dont go against how you feel. cause it will dampen your day plus the bride and others may wonder what is the matter. i do understand your feelings but i do hope you attend.
Dee - go ahead and bring dessert. As a member of the bridal party you are expected to help any way that you can. It’s not about receiving credit, it’s about the bride and making her feel special. If you don’t feel you can afford to bring dessert for that many people, ask other b.party members to pitch in?
My brother’s wife-to-be didn’t invite my daughter, (their niece), to her bridal shower. She is only 10 months. I understand that they want an adult party, but i think its strange that she wouldn’t want her only niece to attend. When I asked if she could come (I thought they just didn’t put her on the invite and was being polite to ask), they said absolutely not. I thought this was quite offensive.
Thoughts?
michelle,
if it is an adult party then it is understood no children are allowed. it is easy for situations excluding children to bring up some hurt feelings and i am sure there are other parents that feel the same. the wife to be ( i am sure) isnt trying to cause distress or meaning to hurt feelings she just wants the adults to get together for the bridal shower. it would be difficult for guests to focus on the bridal shower activities with the lil’ ones. i have a 20 year old daughter with 2 year old twins and a 6 month old grandkids(all girls) so i completely understand your feelings but yet for a bridal shower and i would want them there cause i love my grandkids so much, yet i understand some might be put off even though kids will be kids. i was saying this cause this is usually what brides are thinking of when they request an adult party and you can opt not to go but i do hope you find someone to take care of your baby and go, it could be alot of fun!
It’s not a baby shower it’s a bridal shower. The baby can be a distraction in many ways- she can either cry or take attention away from the bride by being so cute. The shower is really about the bride. I agree with Michelle. I am sure inviting her is not meant to be hurtful, I hope you still go.
Hi,
I have four BM and one MOH in my wedding party(Whom I am really really close with). In the beginning I was going to give them all a swatch card and tell them to find dresses that they are comfortable in and that are in the color and length that I was looking for. This way they could be comfortable with the dress and the price. Unfortunately, they are a few of them that have emailed me pictures of dresses that they like and I have to say i hate these styles!!! One of them doesn’t have that great a taste in clothes and is picking out dresses that are super low cut with LOTS of cleavage(i don’t care on a normal basis, but this is a wedding!) and the other one isn’t happy with the length that I want because she is self conscious about her legs. Now, I was in both of these girls weddings and said nothing about the dresses they wanted me to wear(because that’s what a good BM does) I am now thinking of just going with my MOH to find dresses that we think will be flattering on everyone and tell them that’s what they have to get. Any suggestions o9n how I can do this tactfully with out hurting my friends feelings? I don’t want to come off like a Bridezilla but I do want a certain look for the wedding. HELP! What should I do???
confused bride,
the best thing to do here is take them to the store and have them try on some colors, not all bm will look good in the same color or style. so if your bm are wearing something that makes them uncomfy, it will show on your day and in your pics. i know when i wear something uncomfy it makes me blah but wear something i love then i stand with confidence =look and feel my best! for example, you may pick red for the bm but find deep red doesnt suit them all. then let them wear “their shade of red” ranging in shades from deep red to burgundy. the variation of dress color in bm is stunning. if you are looking for a more universally flattering shade, have them try on neutrals then pick up color in the bouquets. most bm LOVE black or brown cause they can wear it again plus it is classic and failproof. another color is burgundy or periwinkle it usually looks great on all. if one wants a deep yet tasteful(cause i agree with to low cleavage) neckline then by all means if it suits her body type, just give them all a wrap which adds a classy touch. not all bm bodies are the same so you must work with what looks best on them or you wont have great wedding pics( short bm should not wear tea length for example) just tell your bm they did great but you have thought about it and would love to go tothe store together. if you like let them still pick out what they like within taste( cause it is your wedding and you want it to look good) as determining length all bm will not look best in certin lengths. davids bridal is famous for their mix and match line letting bm wear in same color put their own variation to it. one may be in a all black knee length dress and the other may be in a long black skirt with champagne top and sash. so check it out! you will see how great it looks and your bm will thank you for it!
Stacey,
Thank you so much for your advice!!! I have chosen black specifically for the reason that EVERYONE looks good in it and I am going with really brightly colored flowers!
Help! Here’s the background: The mother of the bride held a shower and told the grooms family to do there own. The MOB invited her family and the bridal party plus the grooms mother and sister. She did not invite the best mans wife, who is a close friend of both the bride and groom, nor did she give the MOG opportunity to invite anyone (like a special aunt or close relative to the groom) Needless to say, there were a lot of hurt feelings.
Now, the Grooms family is left planning a shower that will not include anyone from the brides family (the MOB laughed when the grooms family asked if they wanted to come) nor any of the bridesmaids. The whole situation has left everyone sour and frankly, no one feels like putting in a lot of effort for the bride after this incident. (Although I feel like she was just manipulated by her family)
Suggestions? Most people I’ve related this incident too have suggested a couples shower but what’s etiquette? Although, I’m not sure MOG would go for it anyways.
Thank You
justine,
i love the idea of a couples shower. i would not let someone stop me from doing anything for the bride and groom. i would proceed as planned. i would be kind anyway. reason being this can wind up hurting and otherwise happy day for the bride and groom. i have seen family wars develop in otherwise 2 loving families and couples call off their weddings(even way into planning) and just elope. i do understand why everyone is hurt by this situation but question is: do you want to retaliate by doing the same(which usually doesnt work and causes more problems and plus most dont get effected by retaliation like it was intended) to let this dampen everything and cause bitterness or not do things the same way and bring back some joy? plus the bride and groom will usually be the ones suffering most in the end, cause this situation can set off a domino effect in their families which is a hard way to begin a marriage. its how we react to situations that dictate how long they linger or what they develop into. i am not saying you shouldn’t be offended but to many relationships are broken by “one day”. i would shrug my shoulders and plan a party that shows how it was meant to be. i bet you will see some members in the other family embarassed by their actions. kindness gets better results in most cases, still kindness CAN be used to retaliate too and it is not genuine in those cases.
I was thrilled when I was asked to be my best friends MOH. I offered to throw a Bridal Shower for her and asked her for a guest list. Her guest list was over 50, and included people like her hair stylist, the lady who works the chair next to her hair stylist, secretaries from her fiances office who she’s only met once, etc. I believe a guest list this large and inappropriate. When I asked her to narrow down the guest list to 25 she recruited help for me and asked the bridesmaids from out of state to send money; and informed all of them that I “could not handle the responsibility.” Not only was that a slap in the face, but it also put a big wedge in our friendship. All of this, and some other Bridezilla moments, have led me to step down from being in her wedding. Would it be rude of me to print this article, highlight certain parts, and leave it in her mail box? I’ll even use pink highligher, it is one of her wedding colors.
formerMOH,
i can imagine how disappointed you must feel, sending her this article is a personal choice. i think i would not do this and wait til after the wedding and see how she is then. sometimes a wedding can put alot of stress on a bride; and groom for that matter making you say or do things out of the norm. she may offer an apology but if not, then just wait it out and see how it goes. i know this is may not be what you want me to advise but if you send this it might further damage an already strained relationship. if you want your friendship back then i would wait and see what happens. she wasnt suppose to be involved in planning the shower but provide a guest list and most showers are completely appropriate for bm to help out. moh do have a large responsibility to the bride but not to the point of hurting a realationship that takes things a bit to far i think. it suppose to be a joyous occasion and for some reason $$$ or mainly the stress of trying to please others instead of what the couple usually wants, turns it upside down are some reasons behind a bridezilla. i am sorry you had to step down, under the circumstances you made the right choice for you. so no, i wouldnt retaliate. i would step back and be the bigger person. if she ever comes to you and asks what happened then you can tell her you feel treated unfairly and then if you feel the need to point things out you could in a firm yet nice way.i would not let it turn into a unnecessary war over one day,especially if it lingers or more is added to it. i hope and am thinking the storm will clear.
I am the maid of honer in my friends wedding this june. For her shower her mother asked if it was okay that me, her 3 sisters, and her mother split the expences of the shower. I agreed and thanked them for the help now the shower is planned and I came to find the the mother, grandmother, and sisters of the groom are not invited to the shower. This is a very large wedding and the shower is all ready at 65 female family members and 5 friends. The problem came when the grooms mother held her own shower and invited me and the brides mother to she shower and made us feel guilty for not inviting there family to our shower. The only reason there not invited is because the bride doesnt want them there and her mother says its not proper to invite them. What do i do? Do i talk to the bride about this? Or just go on with the shower?
stacy,
it is proper to invite the grooms family. if it is against the brides wishes; you can talk to her and ask if it is okay due to them being family and they wanted to help out. that you accepted their generorous offer and now you dont know what to do. t puts you in a difficult decision. after you talk toher if she stands firm just accept her decision. there is nothing you can do to change the brides mind. however, i might add it is not a great way to begin a new journey especially with the grooms family. ouch! i dont know the reasons so its hard for me to say. nevertheless, the grooms family may approach you with the dilemma and i would just say i am just abiding by the brides wishes and i am sorry if anyone is offended, i didnt know what to do. you can use your own words of course but i would make sure i didnt get the blame for this.
I am attending a bridal shower that will have approximately 80 guests! I understand that everyone would want their gift opened for everyone to see, otherwise what is the point, but, we are looking at a few hours of just opening gifts….at appox 2 minutes per gift, that’s over 2 hours! What is the “rule” for opening gifts? Are all of the gifts supposed to be opened at the shower? If so, can she open them as they arrive? If not, when does she start?
alice,
it would probably be good to open the shower with a thank you and a toast just to get things started. i think it would be nice to have a few “elected” people to help out to make it go smoother and faster. like one to dispose of the wrappings, one to hand her the gifts, etc. so with help this should be a easy process. i know it can be a bit long but that is what showers are for to open the gifts bestowed on the bride. smile.
I am in the same boat! I recently attended a bridal shower for my niece. My elderly mother (who lives 1 1/2 hours south of me) drove to my house. We then set out on the 2 hour drive north to the shower. As we arrived, our gifts were taken by one of the 5 hostesses. It was then “processed”. While one of the “processing gang” unwrapped, the other would record the item in a book along with the givers name. I asked one of the hostesses “what was going on” and I was told, “That’s how we do things here.” Only some of the unwrapped items made it to the display table. Mine did not. I thought the whole situation was incredibly rude and thoughtless. It was also stated by one of the processing team that “This gives the bride an opportunity to mingle with her guests.” My sister (mother of the bride) who is quite proper, seems to think this was perfectly acceptable. I just felt really bad for my mother who devoted an entire weekend to traveling for a shower and never saw her grandaughter open a single gift.
Should I let my sister know how I feel or leave it alone? I guess I am being a little selfish just because I am pretty sure that I will not be driving such a distant to any upcoming baby showers ( I am sure that is next ) to not see a gift opened (at least not by the honoree). I feel cheated and out 10 bucks for pretty wrapping. I should have carted the gift in with the original plastic target bag!
A friend of mine is getting married later this summer and asked me to be her maid of honor. I of course asked for her list of guests she would like to invite to the bridal shower.. She sent me the list of all the women being invited, it’s a small ceremoney with just family. On that list she also had 4 other friends that she wanted invited to the shower but were not invited to the wedding.. How do I tell her that’s not something you do? Please help
angela,
i would just sit down with her and tell her this is not proper etiquette to invite someone to the shower and not the wedding. if she stands firm on not inviting them to the wedding then dont invite them to the shower. print these links out and show her if you feel comfy enough and she wont be insulted by etiquette advice. smile.
*Bridal Shower Etiquette
*newsletter 88: Bridal Shower Etiquette
*Must Shower Guests Be Wedding Guests Too?