The Basics of Bridal Shower Etiquette
While showers have evolved into something more relaxed in recent years, you should still know the basics of bridal shower etiquette to avoid a chance of offending anyone.
Since there will probably be disparate groups at the shower — friends, family and co-workers, usually — it's important to understand how everyone should interact. Especially in the case of family: mothers and grandmothers can place great weight on proper bridal shower etiquette, so make sure you know "the rules"!
The Maid of Honor's usually the person who plans and organizes the bridal shower. If she lives out of town, however, it's fine for someone else to do the honors.
Don't take over without checking with her, though. It's her privilege, and you should always ask her before assuming anything. If you're going to do it for her, make sure you keep her comfortably involved through frequent emails and phone calls.
Bridal shower etiquette traditionally says that a shower should take place at least four to six weeks before the wedding. This is just for practical reasons — the bride's going to be too busy any closer to the ceremony — but if she's coming home only two weeks before the wedding, talk to her and see how she feels about having a shower in her honor so close to the wedding. Chances are, she'll think that's fine if most of her friends can manage to come.
There's been an uncomfortable trend in recent years for large showers, where nearly everyone the bride knows gets an invite. This isn't quite what the bridal shower is supposed to be, though. At least by tradition, a bridal shower's meant to be a small, intimate gathering of the bride's closest friends and family. Proper etiquette dictates a group of no more than ten to twenty guests.
Who the guest list should include: the wedding party, the mothers of the bride and groom, sisters of the bride and groom, and the bride's closest friends and/or coworkers. Contrary to some recent practices, it probably shouldn't include every woman invited to the wedding.
Finally, bridal shower etiquette means making a special point of including the wedding party members ... and the mothers. Ask each of these people to take on some particular responsibility, whether it's recording a list of the givers as the gifts are opened, or running the party games. This will help everyone feel like a key part of this special day.
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I want to throw a small, elegant tea (not a shower) for my stepson’s fiancee (both are in their early 30’s). He has been married before once, she has never been married before. I’d like it to be small; about 10-15 ladies. Can you give me some ideas on proper etiquette on this? Is this OK for me to do? Thanks.
elizabeth,
a shower is most definitely appropriate.
*tea party bridal shower
here you will find manylinks for your planning! have fun!!
I am my best friend’s Matron of Honor. My maid of honor (not this friend) was not a good example for me, so I am doing a lot of research and take on as much responsibility as possible for my friend. I, of course, immediately wanted and assumed I would host the bridal shower, but my friend, the bride, told me that it would be at her mother’s house and her mother would be hosting it. I always thought that was poor etiquette for the mother of the bride to host the shower, and I REALLY want to do it. How do I approach the subject with the bride and her mother, or do I just offer to my assistance?
Research bridal showers online — there are a number of sites out there that confirm the long-held belief that the Mother should not host the event. Once you gather up this info, share it with the bride, plus let her know that you’d really like to host the shower at MOH and that is traditionally the way it’s handled. Would she and her Mom be willing to change plans? Tell her that you would LOVE her mom’s help (ideally, she may also offer to help financially). Here’s a great compromise — you “officially” host the party on the invitations, but hold it at the bride’s mother’s home. (There are many good reasons for doing so — the mom has more room, her place is better located, etc.) I agree that it is not proper for the Mom to host a bridal shower, so good luck.
My Aunt is having a second wedding/marriage and she chose nieces as bm’s and her fiance chose his nephews as his gm’s. I’m the oldest so I am the MOH. I don’t mind handling the MOH responsibilities, but am I supposed to? I guess it just feels a little different being her niece and it’s her second wedding. I guess I’m more concerned about $$$. and if I’m supposed to pay for the showers and other events… and the other bm’s are college students with very little $$$. help? Also, what do I say for a speech?
kim, yes since you are the moh that comes with certain responsibilities. it doesnt have to cost a fortune, but if you do find you cant afford this, then have a talk with your aunt and explain the situation, although there are ways to cut costs without it costing a fortune.
otherwise, just talk about things straight from your heart. are you and her close? then share a great memory with everyone. the speech is optional, you can choose to just say a toast. there is a great link on favor ideas with tips for the moh speech.
* Giving a Maid of Honor Speech? Simple Tips You Can Use Right Now!
when you get ready to plan let me know!! i will help all i can!
I have been invited to a bridal shower and the invitation states “please wear cocktail attire”. The shower is to be held at a private residence on a Sunday afternoon. My question: Is is proper to expect guests to buy special clothing to attend a shower? Many others I have talked to have said they can’t go because they can’t afford to buy a new dress.
BAM,
usually this can be the case. do you have a nice pantsuit you can wear? then just add a chiffon or silk scarf and your most elegant accessories with heels and you have something perfect. think a simple black, blue, or any neutral dress too. something basic will work if you you just add the right accessories. think about a simple but nice black dress with a scoop t shirt neckline no sleeves. if you add a long beautiful scarf around the neck and let the scarf ends flow, with diamond or faux diamond jewelry and strappy heels. then you have the perfect dress to wear. if you would like, please write back and tell me what you have in your closet along the lines of dressy. you may have everything you need except the scarf etc. i would love to help!!
I am the MOH to a friend of mine and am hosting the bridal shower. Am I supposed to give her a gift as well?
lauren, usually the moh and bm pool their money and buy one gift.
Thanks for the reply. I guess I should have explained that I am the only attendant. As it ended up, I didn’t buy a gift after spending several hundred dollars for the shower.
Is it traditional to give the bride, mother of the bride, and mother-in-law to be corsages at the bridal shower?
alisa,
i have only seen the bride wear one, since it is in her honor. usually the others get one at the wedding.
My question is my sister and I are sharing the maid of honor role. We are giving my sister her bridal shower and covering the cost of this. We have 3 other attendants as part of the bridal party. I did tell them that my sister and I would cover the expense of the restaurant and party. I graciously asked if they could help with the cost of favors, cake and decorations. One bridesmaid came forward and ordered the favors and decorations and the cost involved. We spoke on the phone and she came forward and said it the other 2 would like to contribute that would be great but if they decline that was okay also. I would like to know how to graciously ask the other two bridesmaids if they would/could contribute to the cost of the favors/decorations. I feel bad the one bridesmaid put out the money but she in no way expected anything from anyone. I just want to handle this properly but I dont know how to approach asking for money when they werent in on the decision on what and how much everything would cost. Any ideas?
annemarie,
if they werent involved in any of the planning, then it is difficult to ask. it doesnt matter if the one bm came forward and bought everything. just tally up what the supplies were and tell them. if the $$$ arent really that important, then just have them join forces with “manpower” to get the bridal shower organized, decorated, and cleaned up. btw, what thoughtful and great bm you are!!
Hello! My brother and his fiance are getting married in November….destination wedding with only immediate family invited. They are having a reception two weeks after the wedding for all family, friends etc. I offered to throw them a shower when they first got engaged. He asked me if I was still going to give him a shower and I will….however…I want to make sure that I’m following proper rules…who can I invite to the shower?
griselda, since there will be a reception upon return, it is the same as any shower.
*How to Know Who to Include in a Wedding Shower
I am giving a shower for someone and there is a very moved up wedding and shower which doesn’t allow much budget for the wedding. Could a shower be used to include close friends who won’t be able to be involved in the wedding day? There is an upcoming family event that will be tragic that has caused things to be moved. Some close women will not be invited due to money and time restrictions for this family but they do know the situation. Could the shower be their time with the bride to celebrate her special day?
shari,
it is a rule you dont invite someone to the shower and not the wedding. unless it doenst matter to them, then by all means do it, otherwise i wouldnt.
REALLY NEED SOME ADVICE, PLEASE: My neighbors have asked to throw me a bridal shower. I am the bride. My MOH is lives out of state, my bridesmaid lives out of state. I have no immediate sisters and my sister-in-law isn’t close with our family. I was talking to my host tonight deciding on where to throw the shower. Because it’s our only shower, there are 56 people to invite to this shower. No one has a house big enough, so we have to throw it at a restaurant. Just for the food and drink and reserving the place, it’s almost $1,000. That’s not even inivites or favors or the decorations. My host mentioned to me today that she was broke. There is a second host who she doesn’t even know if she’s chipping in. So she asked me tonight that we should go three ways. Basically the bride and groom would have to shell out a third of the costs. And I know that’s not how it works. The hosts offered the shower to me, they take care of the costs. I feel like the right thing to do is to relieve her of her offer. I asked her if she wanted to back out and she said….well….. I don’t know how to relieve her of her duties and don’t know if that’s the right thing to do. But I know the bride and groom shouldn’t have to bear the costs of the shower. That will mean that we won’t have a shower at all. It was great that she offered because we do need one. And to add, my mom can’t afford to chip in either. What do I do?
donna,
unfortunately you cannot host your own bridal shower; or share in expenses. if the hosts cannot pay for the shower, then they should be relieved of this, however, it is not up to the bride to make this decision cause a shower is a optional party. if you feel strongly about telling the hosts they dont have to plan one, then the next time i was approached i would thank them for their thoughtfulness and consideration to throw a shower but the bride and groom are not suppose to share in the bridal shower expense and politely decline. there are ways to have a cheaper shower by cutting the guest list so it can be thrown at someones home or a church banquet hall or local park. keep it simple like cake and punch( this is the route i would go) or appetizers and beverages. i do hope they find a way to afford the shower because every bride deserves one. i do wish you the best of luck.
Expecting your hosts (neighbors) to pay $1,000 for a shower for 47 people is extremely bold and impolite. When they offered, they probably had in mind a smaller affair — maybe 20 people max — to be held in their homes. Since they wanted to host a shower for you and no one else has, allow them to plan one, even if it’s not a large and expensive as you think you deserve. The host determines the size of the shower, since shes the one who has to do all the work and pay for everything. Don’t take the host’s generous offer as your opportunity to a huge gala event. Be thankful that they have offered to do anything. Maybe that’s why no one else has volunteered — they know you have unrealistic (and greedy) expectations.
Ok. take it easy. I was just asking advice. I have never been married before. I’ve never done this. My host asked me to come up with the list. I didn’t know that she needs to do that. I was just asking advice on how to let her off the hook without hurting her feelings. You don’t have to bash me. I am not greedy person. I was just doing what someone asked me to do. I don’t expect that from anyone. And around here, there are plenty of big showers. And this is not the reason no one else is throwing a shower. You shouldn’t be so harsh to someone you don’t know or their circumstances. I was reaching out because I didn’t know what to do. And I thank the first person for your advice. It was helpful.
My niece is getting married in October and is having 2 Junior Bridesmaids and 2 Flower Girls in the wedding. The ages of the Junior Bridesmaids will be almost 10 and 7 1/2 and the Flower Girls will be 1 1/2 and 2 1/2. My question is: Are they responsible for contributing, financially, to the Bridal Shower? The MOH seems to think that since they are in the wedding that they should be counted in. Seems ridiculous to me. What do you think?
I agree with you. That is ridiculous to think they should contribute. Only the Maid of honor and the bridesmaids contribute, and only if they are able to. Junior Bridesmaids and flower girls are not expected to contribute, and I am sure they cannot and this will just be another expense coming out of the pockets of the parents.
Kristy, Thanks so much. I knew I couldn’t be the only one that felt this was unfair. It’s just obvious to me that kids shouldn’t be included in the financial aspect of a wedding. Thanks again!
janis,
no, etiquette states they do not contribute financially, the older ones can be given a few responsibilties, like favor assembling, setting out items, etc.
*Flower Girl Responsibilities
*The Wedding Etiquette Books By Emily Post
Stacey, Thanks so much! This is a touchy situation because the MOH is also a niece. Now I have to get up the nerve to call her on this… Thanks again.
have been to many showers, traditionally the Maid of honour, bridesmades and very close friends contribute financially or by bringing food and a gift. The other friends will bring a gift of some kind. Younger ones seem to want to contribute in some way or other, but are NOT expected to contribute financially in any way. Contributions may be in the way of singing a song, playing an instrument, writing a poem etc, or by buying a little gift out of their pocket money like body lotion, bubble bath. Usually the mother of the flower girls is more than willing to buy a gift herself lingerie for example as she is usually very close to the bride herself.
The point is that no pressure whatsoever should be put on anyone to contribute anything, particularly the younger ones.
It’s supposed to be a special time a time of celebration for the bride to be who is being honoured. Putting pressure on people to contribute is not in the spirit of a shower.
hope this helps, have a fab time and God bless
Siobhan
I am the cousin of the bride and unfortunately cannot attend her bridal shower. Am I supposed to give a gift anyway? (I am attending the wedding and will of course, have a gift in hand).
A,
a gift in hand is perfect, no need for a second gift!!
Hi All,
I am the bride to be, but I am helping my mother and my younger sister who is my MOH, bring together a guest list for my bridal shower. We have a very large family, and every female family member on our side is invited, along with about five of my closest friends. My parents are paying for the wedding, and also the bridal shower since my sister (MOH) is only 21. They have been so generous, and I would like to keep the bridal shower at a minimum so the cost does not get out of hand. When it comes to the grooms family, I’m a little confused! My fiances parents are divorced, but his father is engaged. I was planning on inviting both his mother and his fathers fiancé, but, they have never met before, and I do not think this mother knows his father is engaged. I was also wondering if I should invited his aunt and two cousins on this father side… we have met a few times on holidays, and I have been invited to his cousins baby shower. I feel awkward because I would not be inviting any of his mother family since I have never met them. What do I do? I do not want to hurt any feelings, but I also do not this shower to turn into a production! I am equally close with his mother and soon to be stepmother; is it okay to invite both? Do we invite his aunt and two cousins? PLEASE HELP!
aubrey,
hi! if you are looking to have a low key shower i would keep it to family and closest friends. chances are, someone in the fam, will be throwing another shower. here is guest etiquette for those wanting to follow some sort of “rules” when making the guest list. i would definitley invite them even if they dont attend. i would invite the mother and the future stepmother. i would have someone politely tell the mother to save her from any surprises though. cause even if you kept it under wraps, i am sure someone knows and may say something at the shower. this will give her time enough to deal with the situation. it could be, that it wont bother her. i would most definitley include his side of the family as well. unless, you know there will be a “groom’s side of the family” shower. i do have one tip, and i promise noone will be displeased, just make sure to set the shower time for say 2 p.m.-4 p.m. for example. this is a time most wont expect a full meal. have a beautiful table of punch and cupcakes or cake, with ice cream. it will be ALOT cheaper and perfect for gifts to open and share in the special celebration leading up to the big event. the rule of thumb is dont invite someone to the shower who isnt invited to the wedding itself. i went to several bridal showers that had this. there was an assortment of beverages including punch , a very tasty cake, nuts, mints, ice cream and one had ice cream toppings. it was decorated really pretty and everyone had a wonderful time. noone missed the sandwiches, etc. another is a dessert and coffee/punch shower.
*****
You should invite:
· Mothers of the bride and groom
· Grandmothers/great grandmothers of the bride and groom
· Aunts
· Female Cousins
· Bridesmaids/female attendants
· Close friends of the bride and her family
· Close female business associates of the bride
* Create Bridal Shower Food And Menus
i do hope this helps!
I have received a few shower gifts at home for guests who will be attending my shower. Am I supposed to bring these gifts to the shower?
debbie,
it is really up to you. generally when a gift is received it is opened right there or you can wait and bring them to the shower.
My best friend asked me to host her daughter’s bridal shower since the MOH lives out of state. I’ve reserved my neighborhood clubhouse for the event which is already costing me $100. Am I expected to pay for all of the food, favors and everything else involved in the party? If not, who do I approach and how do I tactfully ask for help?
will be broke,
usually the moh and bm help out. i would get in contact with the moh and the other bridal party. if there is noone then you could ask family members if they would like to help host the bridal shower. your best friend must think the world of you to bestow you this honor, however, a bridal shower is a thoughtful thing to do for a bride or couple. and it is generally best volunteer to host the shower instead of being asked. i would definitely ask for help. your best friend can help also, along with aunts, cousins, friends, etc. tip: keep it as simple as possible.
Hello!
While it is considered in poor taste for the mother of the bride to actually throw the shower, the mother of the bride can still help out financially, you can also consider sending the maid of honor or other bridesmaids an e-mail in regards to this. You should not have to come out of pocket this much especially when you were asked to throw this shower, and you didnt voulenter.
Hi,
I am the MOH and will be throwing the bridal shower. The bride lives out of town as does her mother. We will be having the shower in the bride’s hometown since it is easier for me to travel to her rather than all of her friends/family to travel to me. The thing is, the shower needs to be at her mother’s house. Her mother doesn’t drink and doesn’t like alcohol any where near her. I completely respect this decision and suggested we have two types of wine (one alcoholic and one sparkling) to accomodate & respect everyone. She has still said no, not in her house etc, etc. Do I respect her decision and have a ‘dry’ bridal shower, or should I push the issue? (The bride would like to have a glass of wine at her bridal shower)
I have dealt with this issue personally and believe that if you feel strongly about having the wine, you should. But you cannot impose your wishes and desires on someone in their own home. If this is your desire, I suggest that you find a community center, apartment complex party room to rent and have your bridal shower there. Then you are in total control and no one should be offended and everyone has a great time. I believe it would be offensive to bring acholol into someones homes when you are totally aware that they are oppose to it. It would make for a very uncomfortable situation for the Bride, her mother, and you. Then no one would have a good time which would defeat the purpose.
my cousin is getting married in vegas, small ceremony only 20 or so ppl. i am the MOH, there are no bridesmaids or bridal party. i don’t live in the state where she lives but i want to step up and have a shower for her. some questions:
1- since she’s having a small ceremony it’s ok to invite her friends and co-workers that weren’t invited to the wedding right? how do i let them know this so they’re not insulted? (i don’t know most of them)
2- she suggested a lunch or brunch at a restaurant to make this easy, but I think this makes it more of a $$ burden on the host…thoughts?
3- she’s lived with her boyfriend/groom for years so they don’t really need anything for the house but I they are taking a cruise for their honeymoon so i thought maybe making that the theme, and having guests gift her things through the cruise website (you can have champagne delivered to their room, a cooler full of beer/soda delivered, drink tickets, etc.) Is that ok? if so, how do I inform the guests? the bride already feels funny about having a shower- like she’s being greedy (sweet girl).
3.5- she suggested i send e-vites, to keep it simple. is that ok? if so, does that give me a little more flexibility on communicating tthe theme/gift arrangement without seeming rude? or do i have to wait for guests to ask me what they can do??
4- her mom and groom’s mom have already asked about or offered to do it, or something, i’m not sure which. she’s going to let them know i’m throwing her shower, but should I wait for them to offer to help, or should i reach out? especially with no other bridesmaids, i could really use the help.
5- should i ask the moms to help with $$, or is that rude? if they offer to help with $$ should they go on the invite? what if they offer to help with making some food? do i put them on the invite either way, if they help in ANY way?
i know that’s a lot of questions, but this is a different situation, and this is a unique bride! she’s a no muss, no fuss kinda girl…why i love her!! any thoughts/suggestions/input is very much appreciated!!!
babs,
a cruise how wonderful!! she could do a honeymoon register ( google search) love the theme your using!! thumbs up!
1) *New Destination Wedding Etiquette Q&A
2) in vegas, a restaurant would be ideal. usually bm pitch in funds, see if any of the parents would like to in this case, if it costs to much then i would plan a simpler shower with cake, punch, appetizers. as host you plan the shower you can afford. the bride shouldnt be in the planning or choosing the venue.
3) awww!
*gift registry ideas
3.5) send out paper invites, they may not get the email. afer she has registered have a small section at bottom or a simple but nice printed paper of where she is registered. another thing i would add tothis shower is gift cards ( google search gift certificate bridal shower and also gift card bridal shower) this will make it easier for the ones not interested or cant go online ( no paypal, credit card, etc).make it easy for all combined by having her register in additon for honeymoon items she will be needing. luggage? personals? anything honeymoon related.
4) take their help! if they have already asked then sit down and talk about what needs to be done. orientaltrading.com has cheap but tasteful destination theme decor. also google search ( honeymoon theme bridal shower or travel bridal shower; for cute ideas)
5) if they have already offered then take their offer. if they havent you could find out if they would be interested in helping plan a special shower for the bride. if they help in any way they will be listed as a host. on the invite it will be typed hosted by: names of each person planning and funding the shower.
you sound like you are a wonderful moh so thoughtful, caring. it is so nice to see how you want her upcoming wedding and activities to be special. if you need any xtra help please dont hesitate to ask, i promise i dont mind the questions, i am just glad i am able to help, in any way i can.
stacey,
Thanks so much! I appreciate your input.
the shower is going to be in town, not in vegas, so I think i’ll take your advice and keep it simple.
I have looked intot he honeymoon registration sites, but they have already booked their cruise, so I think the only site that would work would be one (honeyfund.com) where it just tells the guests what they want (and how much $) and the guests pay the bride directly via check or cash…kinda weird, i think. I wonder if it would be ok to direct them to the cruise site and let them just buy drink tix or whatever for them there…if someone’s really clever they’ll know that cash is ALWAYS welcome, right?
babs,
great idea, i would get in contact with the cruise line and see how to do this! good luck!!
I am getting married in august, it is my first, his 2nd, I am 33 years old & have 2 daughters & own my own home & he lives with me.. my MOH wants to throw me a shower, I feel kind of weird about it. Is it appropriate to have one at this age & stage in my life?
m. blake,
you can choose to forego the shower but instead you can choose to set up a honeymoon registry ( google search for severallinks) this could be a great idea for the bride who has everything! another popular idea is the gift card bridal shower ( google search also) but yes, any age is appropriate for a bridal shower. it would be alot of fun!
I am the MOH in a friends wedding in September. My husband and I will be flying to the wedding, renting a car, and staying in a hotel for four days to attend this event. Originally I had also planned on attending the bridal shower in July. However, I am now rethinking this. I received an email stating that another bridesmaid had planned the shower and my contribution would be $125.00, the same as all bridesmaids. In addition to this amount (which I feel is a lot for a shower) I will have to buy a plane ticket to get there. My husband is currently in college and I am a teacher working on my masters. We really do not have the money for me to attend this event plus I will miss a class to go. Would it be okay for me to politely let my friend and her bridesmaids know that I cannot attend?
dragonfly,
this is a situation that is so tricky, i completely understand your dilemma, the bridal party usually splits the costs. here is a great link…
* bridal shower etiquette
from the page here is the question/answer i wanted you to read.
from all about showers…..
The maid of honor and the matron of honor planned the entire shower with no input from the other bridesmaids. Now they tell us that it will cost us $50 each, plus we have to chip in $25 each for the group gift, and plus, they want us to fly in a week before the wedding just for the shower. Do I have to?
A: No. Just explain that since you will be flying in for the wedding, you find it impossible to make another trip. Wish them luck, and send them your portion of the group gift.
it was a “similar” case and i would go by this answer. it would be to expensive with plane ticket. i would talk to the bride, or whoever is closer and would understand. if you only have 75.00 i would send what i have and tell them you just dont have it.
I am wondering what the proper way to send out bridal shower invitations. I have 8 aunts and uncles and then about 50 cousins and their daughters. Would it be appropriate to send one invitations to my Aunts and then let them spread the word to their daughters, etc. I am thinking that I should send invitations to my aunts and cousins and then let my cousins spread the word to their children. Is this acceptable? Also I have famiy out of town and do not expect them to be at the shower so I am assuming I would not send an invitation to them.
nancy,
word gets around anyway!! 
still everyone should get an invite. 
out of town guests should be sent an invitation regardless if they attend. it could be hurt feelings that they didnt make the guest list, because they live out of town. if you want to cut down on invites a simple email or phone call would be ok. still they should be invited. the same rules apply for all invites, here in the south, we just send 1 invite per family kids and all. lol
*Bridal Shower Etiquette