The Basics of Bridal Shower Etiquette
by Melanie Doetsch
While showers have evolved into something more relaxed in recent years, you should still know the basics of bridal shower etiquette to avoid a chance of offending anyone.
Since there will probably be disparate groups at the shower — friends, family and co-workers, usually — it's important to understand how everyone should interact. Especially in the case of family: mothers and grandmothers can place great weight on proper bridal shower etiquette, so make sure you know "the rules"!
The Maid of Honor's usually the person who plans and organizes the bridal shower. If she lives out of town, however, it's fine for someone else to do the honors.
Don't take over without checking with her, though. It's her privilege, and you should always ask her before assuming anything. If you're going to do it for her, make sure you keep her comfortably involved through frequent emails and phone calls.
Bridal shower etiquette traditionally says that a shower should take place at least four to six weeks before the wedding. This is just for practical reasons — the bride's going to be too busy any closer to the ceremony — but if she's coming home only two weeks before the wedding, talk to her and see how she feels about having a shower in her honor so close to the wedding. Chances are, she'll think that's fine if most of her friends can manage to come.
There's been an uncomfortable trend in recent years for large showers, where nearly everyone the bride knows gets an invite. This isn't quite what the bridal shower is supposed to be, though. At least by tradition, a bridal shower's meant to be a small, intimate gathering of the bride's closest friends and family. Proper etiquette dictates a group of no more than ten to twenty guests.
Who the guest list should include: the wedding party, the mothers of the bride and groom, sisters of the bride and groom, and the bride's closest friends and/or coworkers. Contrary to some recent practices, it probably shouldn't include every woman invited to the wedding.
Finally, bridal shower etiquette means making a special point of including the wedding party members ... and the mothers. Ask each of these people to take on some particular responsibility, whether it's recording a list of the givers as the gifts are opened, or running the party games. This will help everyone feel like a key part of this special day.
The maid of honor and bridesmaids along with the mother of the groom and myself, mother of the bride are hosting a Breakfast Bridal Shower in June. The bride just received a gift at home and has opened it. Should it have been opened,oops. Should a thank you be sent now or within a week after the shower? if the sender actually attends the shower would the announcement of the gift received be appropriate?
Terrie,
yes, it is okay she opened it. She should send the thank out as soon as possible. No announcement is necessary. If the guest attends it would be best to thank her in private/let her know by sending the thank you card PRIOR to the shower.
Often the bride opens the gifts at home for a few reasons: 1) It is one less gift to lug to the shower and 2) to know if it arrived safely. If it arrives within about 10 days of the shower . . . the thank you note can be written when the others are, after the shower. BUT if it’s sent earlier, it would be nice to send a letter of thanks so that they know it arrived.
My husband is the best man in his cousin’s wedding. THey are not that close, though they were when they were younger. I have met the bride to be on two occasions total. I was invited to the shower which is out of town, should I go or is it acceptable to just send a gift?
Wondering,
It is totally optional. it would be a great chance to get to know the bride but sending a gift or waiting and bringing a gift to the wedding would be nice too. Not wrong either way.
Hello, my younger daughter is her big Sis’ maid of honor, and because of revised college plans on her part that have caused the Wedding Shower to be moved back, she was wondering if it would be okay to place the shower invitations in with the Wedding invitations? I thought we should wait one week, that would give the people 10 days to reply. She thinks if they go out together in the same envelope it will give people closer to 3 weeks, and she really likes the idea of stamp money savings too. Please help.
Thanks much!
Brenda
brenda,
No, it wouldn’t be right to put the shower invites with the wedding invites. They should be mailed with separate post postage. If your on a time crunch just mail them all the same day. That way they will arrive at the same time, give or take a couple days.
brenda,
No, it wouldn’t be right to put the shower invites with the wedding invites. They should be mailed with separate postage. If your on a time crunch just mail them all the same day. That way they will arrive at the same time, give or take a couple days.
I’m the maid of honor in my cousins wedding and just began the bridal shower planning with the others bridesmaids, due to the number of the shower guest another bridesmaids agreed to have the shower at her house; she has a beautiful large yard on a lake. She is requesting that it state on the invitation that children not be invited to the shower, I was just wondering if that is rude or not. I personally have been invited to numerous bridal showers but have never been “told” not to bring children; we come from a family of 9 cousins that are very close we all have children under the age of 6 that have been included in every family event including other showers.
Amy,
When children aren’t invited to a shower or wedding, it is not meant to be rude or hurtful. Even though, those feelings can still happen. The hosts may be planning more of a lingerie shower( which is inappropriate for children) or even with another themed shower; kids get restless. Not to mention, it is a way to have “girl” time. I am pro kids all the way but some places it can be difficult since they do get irritable when they dont have much to do.
There is nothing wrong with “adult” parties/showers. We all need our “special time”. I grew up in a time when children were not included in any of these, however I do think that around the age of 9-10, if it is a family affair, then little girls should be introduced to the “lady party concept.” I love my children and grandchildren, but there is a time and a place for everything.
I think you’d find that you would have a lot more fun without the little ones. If they were older then I would say that it’s good to bring them because they learn the family traditions. Under 6 is really young, unless its a nursing baby. I think 9 or 10 is a good age to start taking them to showers and then it should only be the girls.
Amy, I can understand no children because of the “lake” location. Also, you need to respect the boundaries that the bridesmaid has made according to her comfort zone. If you can’t get a babysitter, you’ll just have to miss this event. That is how it works. No hard feelings meant.
I am invited to a double bridal shower but I only know one of the couples. Am I expected to bring a gift for the other couple who I don’t know and have never met?
Christy,
Since you were invited to the shower, it would be thoughtful to bring a gift, even if you dont know them. Gift giving is always optional but it just helps the couple in the beginning of a new life.
Even if you just write a note to the other bride that you have never met, that would be nice. I don’t think you should feel obligated to buy a gift.
I am in a wedding and the bridal party is paying about $200 each for the shower. Do I still have to buy a shower gift or is my gift my contribution to the shower?
melissa,
I have seen this done both ways. The hosts can go together and buy a small gift.
* what others did
OMG That is soooo much for a portion of the shower. I’m paying for an entire shower and the cost, I hope, will end up being about $400. I think if you can’t afford an additional gift, you shouldn’t feel obligated to get one.!!
I have two questions.
I am the bride and I am getting conflicting information about registering. My fiance and I have already registered for the wedding. We have lived together for 5 years so we registered for house things but not necessarily traditional “registry gifts”. My question is, am I supposed to or is it okay to register for the Bridal Shower separately? Some tell me that I do and some tell me no. I’m totally confused and don’t want to do anything wrong and look like a jerk to my soon-to-be mother in law.
Also, am I supposed to invite my fiance’s step mother to the bridal shower? She lives in town and we see her a few times a year, but her and I aren’t close. Do I have to invite her or can I tell her that it was more of a “girlfriends” shower even though its not?
I am the mother of the groom, there has already been a “family” shower and now there is a “girlfriends” shower. I have been verbally invited but told if I cant make it they understand. Should I feel guilty about not going?
G,
Generally when there is a girlfriends shower it is mainly just friends of the bride. It may include the mothers and sisters of the bride. Kinda like a bachorlette party except in shower form. They were just being thoughtful, so no need to feel guilty if you cant make it.
My daughter is a bridesmaid, and the maid of honor is out of state. My daughter was asked to do alot of the planning along with making gifts for the guests (25 to 30 of them) since she is the “artistic one.” She is making hand painted picture frames. Who should be bearing the expense of this? She is already out of pocket on a lot of it since she has been planning it.
Sylvie,
Sounds like she was elected to be the host. If she agreed to do this, then it will fall on her budget. I dont agree with the others not chipping in. I am also artistic but painting picture frames is alot of painstaking work. If it were me, I would tell the MOH what the cost of the shower is and try getting reimbursed for some money. If noone is helping her with anything, $$$ etc. Then she alone will be listed as the host for the shower. I would love to see one of the frames and how they turned out! Post a pic if you can.
Is it etiquette to not invite a close first cousin to a bridal shower when she is not invited to the wedding?
Kris,
anyone invited to the shower should also be invited to the wedding, including family.
Re: Party game prizes – Who gets the prize, the bride or the game winner? I recently went to a shower and the prizes were given to the game winner. I didn’t go to the shower to come home with a prize, I felt that the bride should have gotten the prizes.
The winner generally accepts the prize and in turn “gifts” the bride with the prize after it is accepted. Be careful, if this is the tradition in your area, that the prizes can indeed be used by the bride. If that is not the case, the winner keeps the prize–no insult to the bride.
I have never been to a shower where the prizes were in turn given to the bride. The little gifts are meant for guests. We bring gifts for the bride-to-be and she gets quite a few nice things.
I’ve never been to a shower where the guest kept the gift.
I disagree, the gifts are for the guests, not the bride!
Should the bridal shower be a surprise or should the bride help pick the date? Maid of honor lives out of state, is it proper for the shower to be given by the bridal party or can it be MOH and the mothers?
Pat,
It could go either way. Depends on what the hosts want to do. For a surprise, get someone to find out when the best time would be, by seeing what she has going on and relaying any info. Also the hosting depends. Etiquette recommends that family should not be hosts but nowdays anyone can. That is what I post on the comments, that etiquette rules are being bent by what is best for each person or family. I see no problem with the MOH and the mothers hosting. Just make sure the tasks and finances are delegated for a smooth operation and everyone agrees on a budget. This can cause unforeseen issues that could easily be avoided with set budget, number of guests, etc. I would ask if the bridal party wants to join in. If so then each name should be listed on the Hosted By section at bottom of invite.
I am the MOB, I have a question regarding bridal shower guests. My husband is in Ministry and our daughter has grown up in the church. Some friends will be hosting a shower to honor her at church, and I know they will want to invite a large group of women from the church. My problem is, all of the people will not be invited to the wedding. She is having a formal evening wedding and we have to stop inviting people at some point, due to the budget. I know according to proper etiquette normally people are not invitied to showers until they are being invited to the wedding, however I would like comments on this situation. Thank you.
Hello! I would love to know what you hear! I am the future sister in law of the Bride to Be and I want to throw a shower… but they are only inviting a very small group of family. We have a rather LARGE family though (I had 400 people at my wedding). They will probably only have less than 100. So I am trying to figure out how to include those that won’t be invited to the wedding in a shower OR engagement party.
Any thoughts on how not to offend those that will NOT be invited to the wedding?
Thanks!
Jamie
Lynn,
This situation happens alot. Church ladies like to do something special for the one(s) who go to the same church. It is like a coworker situation where it is one of the exceptions. So it will be okay, they just want to share in the celebration and already know they are not on the wedding guest list.
Jamie,
With coworkers and of course the (church ladies in Lynns case) being the exception, anyone else like family and close friends should not be invited to the shower if not to the wedding. So the bridal shower guests would be those closest to the bride: ( close) friends, bridal party, mothers/grandmothers/sisters on both sides, etc.
jamie,
Unfortunately, noone should be invited to the engagement party either that is not invited to the wedding.
In a case like this, you need to speak with the bride about how many and whom she wants to attend her wedding / shower. You may have had 400 at yours, but that was your choice. I’m all for asking the bride what she would like to do. And as a future “sister-in-law”….I would suggest getting off to a good start with the in-laws by allowing her (bride) to decide who is invited.
When you are the daughter of the minister and having the wedding at the church; the whole church is invited to the church reception. Not everyone is invited to the off-site reception. That’s the way it is in the Pacific Northwest.
On the shower invitations do I put a return address? If I do whose should I put the brides or the place where the shower is being held? It is a family members house.
Sherry,
Usually the one who will keep up with the RSVP’s, answer any questions, and/or any gifts that may be sent. ( this sometimes happens if a guest cant make it). If there is no RSVP, then then discuss who wants to tackle any questions or any other info. It could be the MOH or other hosts address then.
My niece was engaged to be married before. She called off the wedding after she had her shower. No gifts were returned. She is now engaged again to another man. Are we correct in not inviting the same people to this shower even though they will be invited to the wedding? We were planning on keeping it to the new grooms family and bridesmaids. My niece would like everyone there all over again. Also, the grooms family is very large and some of the bridesmaids can’t afford to pay for a shower again.HELP!
Cathy,
Since the bride didnt return the gifts, then those guests should not be required to buy another gift. I am not sure how the family will react if they are not invited. They may not mind the gifts werent returned. I would ask around to be on the safe side. If they do want to attend then it will be their option on the gift giving.
Cathy,
Also as stick with the budget YOU can afford. You shoudl determine how many guests you can afford, by sitting down with the hosts and agreeing to a budget and not going over budget. A bridal shower is a party to honor the bride but not an obligation. A bride should never put pressure on hosts for the style of party she wants, that is entirely up to the shower hosts on the type of party they can afford.
As MOTB I would like to give the 16 place settings she has registered for as a shower gift. Should I bring one box of 4 place settings wrapped to the shower with a note that the other 3 are also included in my gift? I don’t want to steal the show with my gift.
Christa,
I think I would plus it would be easier in general. Especially carrying. She could get the rest after the shower or you could send them to her home.
the aunt is going to the shower-the daughters can’t-do they have to send gifts
ROB,
The daughters, if they choose to send a gift that is fine but is not obligatory to do so. If you do buy a gift you can mail it, send it with your aunt, or bring it to the wedding.
* brides.com
What is proper for gift giving at a shower for a second cousin when the first cousin is invited and her 2 daughters also received separate invitations. The 2 daughters are in high school and college. Do all have to give separate gifts?
Shirley,
It is really a matter of choice. They can buy solo or chip in together. It depends if finances permit. Also anyone under the age of 16 does not have to purchase a gift. The mother usually brings a gift.
I have an etiquette question. My bridal shower is this weekend and I have already received some gifts by mail. Do I need to take them to the shower and open them there? Or would it be ok for me to open them here before the shower?
Laura,
* tips
laura,
I would not bring it to the shower but open it and write and mail my thank you card.
I have had 2 bridal showers already in my hometown and me and my mom have bought the hostess gifts for those. I have another shower in my Grooms hometown….are me and my mom supposed to buy those gifts or his mom?
Abby,
The bride should buy the hostess gift since the shower was in her honor but double check with the gm before buying the gift cause she may have already taken care of that.
My son is getting married in July and his second cousin a male is getting married in August. My three sisters would like to have one bridal shower for both brides. My son’s bride lives out of town and his cousins live in the same city as my sisters. They are asking my opnion. Since they are being sweet to do this, I feel ackward saying I think it should be separate. What should I do?
Pat,
I personally think it should be separate because each bride deserves her own special prewedding parties. They are not having a double wedding so therefore, a separate shower would be more ideal. If in doubt I would ask the brides if this is okay, to make sure it doesn’t offend the bride(s).
A close friend of my fiance is getting married 2 weeks before us to his high school sweetheart. We’re having a joint couples shower in a couple weeks. In our case, the hostesses asked us first if it would be ok, and for us it’s fine. My fiance grew up with the other couple getting married and we all went to the same university.
I just wanted to throw that out there as a particular situation where a joint bridal shower works.
My daughter will be getting married in a day after her fiancee arrives in the states. Not sure when that would be, anywhere from 3-6 months. When the fiancee visa is approved than he will be able to come here permanently. They would like to do a traditional wedding one year later. When would be the appropriate time to have a bridal shower? Would like to do something for them.
Sue,
I would wait until the traditional wedding unless there will be a post wedding reception for family/friends for the first ceremony. If you plan to have a bridal shower now, then invite only those at the civil ceremony. It is considered a Don’t in wedding etiquette to invite guests to a bridal shower and not the wedding. If it were me, I would pay for a small honeymoon getaway, even if it is just for a weekend and save the bridal shower for the traditional wedding.
I have an etiquette question that I need answered asap, please. I am the Matron of Honor in a wedding and I hosted a bridal shower 2 weeks ago. Now there is another shower taking place this weekend that I’ve been invited to-am I obligated to attend this shower even if I already hosted one?
Rebekah,
If you do go to all showers you dont have to buy another gift.
It is just common courtesy to invite the bridal party to all pre wedding parties, since they are a part of the wedding. You are not required to attend more than one shower if you dont want. The option is yours.
* etiquette
Yes, You are the Matron of Honor. The next to the mother of the bride the most important. It would be a snub to not go. Be there and offer help where needed. Perhaps helping to serve or pick up.
Have fun.
Question: If you attend a bridal shower with a gift (of course) are you supposed to bring a gift if attending the wedding?
Jennifer,
Gift giving is optional for the wedding. It depends on personal choice. I have seen some guests buy a shower and wedding gift while some choose just the shower gift.
Jennifer,
* gift giving link
Yes you should bring a card with a gift of money! what ever you can afford.
Friends daughter got married 3 years ago by Justice of the Peace. Her daughter has 3 children and is now doing a destination wedding to get married in the church. All the same father/husband.
Mothers are splitting the cost of the shower as there is only a Maid of Honor and no bridesmaids.
Who should be invited to the shower?
MOB thought just the people invited to the wedding and MOG said all friends, co-workers, relatives that were not invited to wedding should be included.
Any suggestions would be appreciated.
Marie,
Actually since they have been married 3 years and this is actually a vow renewal, technically there shouldn’t be a bridal shower.
* Link
But if you still plan to:
Only those invited to the wedding should be on the shower guest list. Those closest to the bride should be invited, bridal party, and grooms mother, grandmothers, and sisters. Actually the MOB is right.
Marie,
* another article
* more tips
Thanks so much I will pass these websites onto my friend :)
Hi, I am the moh and planning a shower. The bride and groom are having a small resort wedding. Some of the people who she wants at the shower are not invited to the wedding due to cost. Is it ok to invite people to the bridal shower who aren’t invited to the wedding?
Jenn,
Etiquette says it is not proper but if the shower guests dont care then by all means go ahead.
* here is an article
Jenn,
It may be better to throw a small coed “reception” like party or a post reception. Technically those guests are still invited to share in the “wedding”. Some choose to bend the rules and make the bridal shower( even if they arent invited due to destination or small venue) just to celebrate with the bride.
Curious to find out if its ok to have the bridal shower after the wedding invitations are sent out.I have no idea if this is a silly question but its stressing me out.
Bo,
Hi, it is very ok. Sometimes this is the way it is done but it varies with each person. Happy Planning!
I am the bride and my MOH is my 15yr old sister, but my fiance’s sister and I are really close. She is able to do more as an adult. She is also a bridesmaid as well. How would you handle this situation?
Amber,
Why not have two maids of honor? It is becoming quite popular and the bride doesn;t have to choose between her nearest and dearest.
* here are loads of tips
For the processional and bridal party lineup just put the Moh you asked first at the front with the second Moh after her.
Amber,
Oh yes, the two can work together on the responsibilities. It could be she may handle them very well. Some will be more age related but you wil have many memories and she will be so happy to be standing by your side. My sister was my MoH at a young age and she was there all the way. Of course, the bridal shower was given by the adults but she dove in and helped with the preparations.
Hi, I am the MOH in my sister’s wedding. I was wondering how soon before the shower should I send out the invitations? I need a count by 2 weeks before the event for the caterer but other than that, I don’t know what is appropriate. Thanks.
Alison,
Invites usually go out 3-6 weeks before the event so I would allow some time to get the rsvp and give a head count.Six weeks should be plenty of time.
I am MOH for a destination wedding in Jamicia. Myself along with the sister of the Groom are planning a bridal shower. The bride has requested a luncheon at a nice resturant for about 15 people. The only problem with that is $$$. After paying for the destination we are both strapped. How do we or can we ask for guest to pay for their own lunch? or do we offer hors d’ourves, not sure what to do. and how to let guest know.
Kimberly,
As hosts you get to pick the budget for the bridal shower including the guest limit of what the shower hosts can afford. The bride cant pick the type of shower she is honored with. I understand your dilemma with the $$$. I would get the guest list and begin searching for other alternatives that are within your means. Guests should never be invited to an event and pay for their own food. After finding the venue see what food choices they have or with 15 people you could throw a great destination theme shower. Like a honeymoon theme shower( google honeymoon theme shower for lots of ideas), with BBQ, kabobs, potato salad etc. FUN!
Hi My question is: If someone is invited to a bridal shower and is unable to attend, are they still expected to buy a gift?
Sue,
Not at all. If you attend the wedding you could bring a gift if you choose.
*tips