The Basics of Bridal Shower Etiquette
While showers have evolved into something more relaxed in recent years, you should still know the basics of bridal shower etiquette to avoid a chance of offending anyone.
Since there will probably be disparate groups at the shower — friends, family and co-workers, usually — it's important to understand how everyone should interact. Especially in the case of family: mothers and grandmothers can place great weight on proper bridal shower etiquette, so make sure you know "the rules"!
The Maid of Honor's usually the person who plans and organizes the bridal shower. If she lives out of town, however, it's fine for someone else to do the honors.
Don't take over without checking with her, though. It's her privilege, and you should always ask her before assuming anything. If you're going to do it for her, make sure you keep her comfortably involved through frequent emails and phone calls.
Bridal shower etiquette traditionally says that a shower should take place at least four to six weeks before the wedding. This is just for practical reasons — the bride's going to be too busy any closer to the ceremony — but if she's coming home only two weeks before the wedding, talk to her and see how she feels about having a shower in her honor so close to the wedding. Chances are, she'll think that's fine if most of her friends can manage to come.
There's been an uncomfortable trend in recent years for large showers, where nearly everyone the bride knows gets an invite. This isn't quite what the bridal shower is supposed to be, though. At least by tradition, a bridal shower's meant to be a small, intimate gathering of the bride's closest friends and family. Proper etiquette dictates a group of no more than ten to twenty guests.
Who the guest list should include: the wedding party, the mothers of the bride and groom, sisters of the bride and groom, and the bride's closest friends and/or coworkers. Contrary to some recent practices, it probably shouldn't include every woman invited to the wedding.
Finally, bridal shower etiquette means making a special point of including the wedding party members ... and the mothers. Ask each of these people to take on some particular responsibility, whether it's recording a list of the givers as the gifts are opened, or running the party games. This will help everyone feel like a key part of this special day.
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I am the bride and I was married before. My fiance has also been married before and I was wondering if it was appropriate to have a bridal shower. We don’t really need anything for our home but a longerie shower or honeymoon shower would be helpful. My two grown daughters are bms and would like to do something for us. Any advice?
marsha,
you can give the green light for a bridal shower, it is very appropriate to have one. whether a one time bride or a encore bride. i hope you and your family have a wonderful time with your new journey. i wish you both all the best!!
Help! I am a bridesmaid for my cousin, I’m from out of town, The MOH is incharge of the shower - I agreed to chip in on helping with the shower - which I thought was for the party favors and decorations, I thought it was odd to be asked to do that in the first place - anyways, the invitations went out last week and then today I was informed that each bridesmaid owes $170! We never got a price quote, menu - nothing - just some ideas from the MOH. There are 6 of us, the guest list is for 70! It’s a sunday brunch! I did not agree to this much! It’s crazy!! I have never been to a 70 person shower nor have I had to pay for a shower. Do I still get a gift? I don’t want to jip the bride she has no control over this. Do not attend? Oh help! How do I get threw this? It’s in a few weeks!
I am so torn - the hotel, gas money a gift, I am going to go broke. I agreed to be a bridesmaid with the bride, I agreed to go on a bachelorette weekend, this is way too much! My husband is having a fit!
monica,
usually the bm and moh will chip in on one gift. i would be upfront about my finances and explain that you didnt think it would be so high. that it would be something you all could afford. it was unthoughtful to spring this amount on you all of a sudden. you are not required to pay more than you can afford, since you were not in the planning process. it is wrong to tell you what you must pay, it should have been discussed in a group as to what could be afforded. if you pitch in this will make you a host, i would tell them i will give what i can afford or step down as one of the hosts cause you cant afford the travel expenses etc. i would just give my gift to the bride at the wedding.
*bridal shower tips
monica, i thought this q&a forum fit you your situation perfectly. it is also from a top wedding website.
*bridal shower costs
me,
i would talk to her and say it is really important to me to help plan a shower for my sister. i was wondering which direction you wanted to go with the shower and i might have a few ideas that might work, maybe we could sit down and talk. if this dont work, why not just bring just your sister to a day just for her. you could treat her out to lunch and have a relaxing day. does she like pedis and manis? treat her to those and help her with the beauty end of getting ready for her big day. if the moh wants this day and wants to pay for the entire thing,( if any bm are paying a portion their planning ideas SHOULD be involved and shared, otherwise they shouldnt have to pay) if you are not paying then the moh or host will decide how to plan the shower. then i would give my sister a day all for herself. she would sure welcome a day from thinking about the wedding, even if its for a couple hours. you can bond with her better alone where in a group of people eveyone will be vying for her attention.
Oh my goodness. Hopefully somebody….anybody on here can help me. I am a very young bride to be, I’m 21 years old, and my MOH is only 18. She’s still a poor college student, and she can’t afford to throw my bridal shower, which is fine with me. My other BM’s have agreed to take it on, but they’re dropping the ball. Don’t get me wrong,l I’m not complaining, a bridal shower is the last thing that I’m worried about.
Here’s the problem. My future mother in law absolutely detests me. She goes out of her way to make me uncomfortable, and does not acknowledge me when my fiance is not around. I’m marrying the son of the dragon lady.
Anyways, she called my fiance earlier this evening and informed him that she will be planning my bridal shower, without any consent from either of us. Any ideas on how to approach this? I don’t want to make the situation any worse than what it is at this point, but I don’t want to have to go through with a bridal shower being thrown by a person who doesn’t seem to care for me at all.
Duck,
you said she does not acknowlege you when your fh is not around. i would accept the offer only if it is coed. if he is present it will make it more comfortable. i would simply say that we wanted a coed shower the entire time, or if you have everything just thank her for her thoughtfulness but decline. if she insists have your fh to firmly but lovingly say coed. those are more fun anyway! this is something i would want to resolve asap. cause marriage will mean you spending time with his family now and in the future, while you cant make two people like each other you can definitley have your fh and you both sit down to find out why she doesnt like you. it could be she is having a difficult time letting her son go. sitting down could be the answer.
There is no reason why you can’t have two showers. Let your new mother in law host one party, and have another one with a few intimate friends. Be gracious and mature. This is, afterall, the mother of the man you are going to marry.
I am the stepmom of the bride and would like to be a part of the shower. The mother of the bride has organized the shower with very little input from the bridal party. I have spoken to two of the bride’s maids, and they are asking me w hen the shower is. My husband, the father of the bride receives a call concerning the cost of the shower from the bride, that since her mother said it is too expensive for the bms to have to pay she would like him to pay for half of the restaurant bill. I don’t think it is appropriate for the mother and especially the father to be involved in the shower arrangements, and can understand that the mom wants her daughter to have a beautiful one. Do you think that I should offer to help out, or do you think it it already out of control?
maryanne,
i would offer my help if i felt it was the right thing to do. generally, etiquette says no to parents throwing a shower but now says it is pretty much up for grabs. i dont know if the bm are upset about not being involved or taking it as thoughtful. if you want to be a cohost then by all means ask if you could help out cause you love the bride and want her to have many memories of her wedding and preparties. i would not pay for half if i couldnt afford it. when hosting parties, a budget should be discussed and set and whatever funds are available is what one would work within. it is easy to let your heart rule and the event takes on a life of its own. this causes many stresses and can hurt relationships. it should never reach that point. my overall opinion…the father should not have to pay for the bridal shower since it is for ladies, he could if the couple was paying for their own wedding but i would recommend in that case; coed. cause if he pays that makes him a bridal shower host and his name SHOULD be on the guest list.
i was wandering if the bride and groom are not having a big wedding,is it still ok to have a bridal shower for the bride? the people that would be invited will not be at the wedding
sue,
absolutely, check out the posts below. a couple brides wrote in on same situations.
My sister is getting married and I am her MOH. I am hosting the shower with a family friend as well. My sister wants to go to Cuba for her honeymoon so I thought it would be fun to have a Cuban themed shower and in the invites say guests could contribute to the honeymoon or bring honeymoon themed gifts. Is asking guests to bring money for the honeymoon tacky? The lady I’m hosting with thought it would be! Please let me know what you think!
courtney, hi!!
I LOVE the honeymoon theme! i think this is a thoughtful way to do a shower! spread the word what your plan is but make sure it is optional to do the $$$ or the honeymoon gifts! great idea!! have alot of fun planning this!
*honeymoon theme shower
*honeymoon bridal registry
*tips
*money bridal shower for honeymoon
*Honeymoon Travel Bridal Shower ( I LOVE THIS!! the entire theme outline is wrote out for you, you register the couple and give the guests the choice to buy a gift certificate toward the honeymoon!! WOW!) this is gonna be tons of fun! etiquette has BEEN changing. brides are making weddings more about the couple etc. this topic will get mixed reviews but i would go with what i KNOW will be perfect, bravo as a moh and a thoughtful sister!!
So I have to have a really small wedding and my bridal shower is the week before the wedding. Due to the small amount of people we can have…I have my list and some people on it aren’t invited to the wedding. Is it impolite to invite them to the shower, even though they are not invited to the wedding? I know some of them understand that they couldnt be invited but still want to support me. Is this something thats too rude?
alyssa,
i am gonna leave this link for you and Rose, since your situation is similar. here…
*bridal shower and small wedding
thought etiquette says guests at shower should go to wedding, under the circumstances it is perfectly fine to have a shower. a great way to celebrate with those you care about. i would heavily consider coed too. that way the guys can be there too. it could be a great lil’ party. have a wonderful day!!
I am having an extremely small wedding - I am excluding a lot of people - is it impolite to invite them to a bridal shower and not the wedding?
rose,
usually anyone invited to the bridal shower is on the wedding guest list.
but some go ahead, due to a small family affair, giving you a way to celebrate with everyone, usually its for a city hall or destination wedding
I am invited to my boyfriend’s cousins shower tomorrow. Do I sign the gift from just myself or from myself and my boyfriend? I am not super close to her or anything. She may not even know who the gift was from by just looking at the name..haha
Help please!:-)
katelyn, if its coed then put both. if not, just yours. you could giver her a card signed by both of you if you wish.
If I give a shower with a hostess gift to the bride do I also give a wedding gift at the wedding?
JD,
this will be your wedding gift overall , unless you choose to give another!
I am a bridesmaid in my sister-in-law-to-be wedding, her MOH and I are hosting a small shower and when we recieved the guest list from the bride, it is full of her friends and family only, how can we politely ask her to cut her list down to include some of the grooms’ family as well? or is it simply up to the bride who attends her shower? I can’t help but think it would be rude to exclude close family members in favor of old H.S. friends…..HELP!
me,
first i would ask her is the grooms side gonna throw a shower too? it could be a simple oversight. the bride does give the guests list, i woud ask her if she wants to invite the grooms mother and female relatives, cause it may cause some hurt feelings. it could be she doesnt know this is the way of the bridal shower. show her some links online in case she doesnt.
*bridal shower who to invite
Invite the bride’s and groom’s mothers, any other female relatives, bridal attendants and close friends of the bride to a traditional shower.
My daughter has a friend that is getting married and she is a bride’s maid. I am a hostess of the bridal shower and contributed to the hostess gift, but my daughter is just considered just a guest. How do we handle the gift situation?
michelle,
if she wasnt a host and the bm werent contributing to the hostess gift, it would have been better to buy a separate gift under the circumstances. it would be best to give her $$$ back on the hostess gift and let her buy a separate gift. it will make it look like the other bm werent involved and could hurt some feelings when the hostess gift card is read allowed and her name is mentioned and not theirs, they may feel like they werent given the chance to pitch in even if it was optional. i would for sure return her portion of the $$$. it would be much easier to do this. good luck!!
I am a bridesmaid for a coworker, the MOH is her sister I recieved an invitation to a bridal shower which seems as if it is being hosted by the mother of the bride. I have never met her mother as she lives in another state. The shower is tomorrow and I got an e-mail this morning saying I would be responsible for the cost of the shower along with the other bridesmaids. I was not involved in the planning and it sounds as if it will be a pretty expensive event. How do handle this situation?
Dee,
since you were not given a heads up and involved in any of the planning, you are not required to pay for any of the shower, unless you choose to, then you can contribute what you think is best, but prepare for potential drama.
here is a “similar” situation….
*bridal party tips
Is it appropriate to exclude children from the bridal shower? If so, how would one word this on the invitation? I fear the kids will detract from the shower, and the location is not kid-friendly.
shannon,
*bridal shower tips
just put adults only, please in bottom left hand corner
I am hosting a bridal shower for my niece. I’ve planned for several years to do this when the time came and would like to do it on my own. A couple relatives offered to help, and one of them seemed determined to be a part of it, though I tried to tactfully decline her offer. Rather than argue about it, I finally asked if she would agree to take care of the guest favors, and centerpieces if needed. The shower will be held at a restaurant. Invitations will be going out soon and I need to know if I should show this individual as a co-hostess on them? I will be paying for everything except the favors (and possible centerpieces).
susanne,
if she is contributing a little or alot, she is considered a host. just add hers, yours, and others who are pitching in to help with the shower! how lucky you are to have people to help out!! good luck!
How would you word an invitation asking a small group of people to a lunch with the bride? I want to make it clear that the invitees will be paying for their own lunch, without being super obvious. Any ideas?
I would send out a email not a invitation if you want the individuals to pay. and have the email say lets get together for Lunch with the bride. Let me know who can make it and Ill set a reservations maybe even attach the menu to see if all can afford
courtney, i agree with you. it suppose to be casual and simple. with a heading Let’s Get Together For Lunch!!
if guests will be paying for their own meal. moit anything that says hosting or request your presence. that is clearly responsible for the events financial end.
I’m the mother of the groom and have been invited to a wedding shower for my son & daughter-in-law in another state. I can’t afford to fly there and my son is fine with that. I’m on a very tight budget and will be paying for a large rehearsal dinner party at a destination wedding. With airfare, hotel expenses and the rehearsal dinner which will be at a restaurant, plus a wedding gift, my budget is being stretched beyond capacity. My question is, should I send them a shower gift if I’m not attending?
In light of all you are doing for you son and daughter-in-law, I would say, “no.” Instead, send them a card and enclose a letter telling them how much you love them and how proud you are to be the mom and future mom-in-law of such a wonderful couple. Perhaps you can enclose some pictures of your son growing up, telling them how thrilled you are to see him approach the next big milestone in life with such a beautiful woman.
Just before the shower, give your son son and future DIL a call and explain why you won’t be sending a gift for the shower.
carol,
i agree with Kim i wouldnt worry about a shower gift. if you still want to just make it very reasonable. like a gift certificate to a food outing. it doenst have to be expensive. usually someone brings a gift to the wedding if they cant make it to the shower. but i would make an exception in this case and just forego the gift. good luck!!
http://www.restaurant.com great gift certs for CHEAP!!!!!!!
I think some kind of gift is nice. I also agree with Kim about sending pictures. My mother and I are spending a lot more then we think is necessary for a wedding so when it comes to a gift at every shower my mom decided to make a small photo album of pictures of my brother to give to his new bride. It’s pretty cheap, we’re just color copying our originals and getting a $2 photo album, not too big and making that our gift. I think it’s a lot more meaningful and it’s very inexpensive.
Good luck!
Heck yeah, you need to send a gift. IT’s your son’s wedding!!! It doesn’t have to be expensive, but you should send something thoughtful. If it wasn’t your own son, you might get away with it, but why are you dickering over a gift that could be as small as a 50 dollar gift. You’re son will appreciate it more than you know.
I am the bride. It is my second marriage and my fiance’s first. My fiance and I have owned a home together for 3 years. I did not want a shower as we have all we need for our home and my friends and family have already provided this once for me (14 years ago). Instead I would like to host a ladies luncheon to thank my friends and family for their support. Is this OK? If so How should I word the invitation?
joan,
what a wonderful thought. i just love to see different ideas in weddings.
*wording
*invitation wording
i absolutely love this one i found, its elegant yet lighthearted…..
You are cordially invited to a
Bridal Luncheon
Date
Time
Place
Addressr>City, State
Thank you for being by my side and helping prepare for our special day!
Given with
love and appreciation by
Bride’s name
Please say, “I Do” by ….
so i have a bit of an issue. im the moh for my bestest friends wedding. i want everything to be perfect and wonderful for her but it’s a bit tough. there are 6 girls in the bp including myself and we are all aready putting out so much money just for the wedding day itself. the bride has a huge family and so does the groom. i was told that the guest list for the BRIDAL SHOWER itself will be like 75 ppl. ( craziness if you as me). anyway each girl has to put down $75 just for the room. ( that doesn’t include any decorations or food at all. its just the room and tables and chairs for 4 hours.) im really trying to only have to spend 150 per girl. once the room is paid for we are only left with $450 for decorations, cake, invatations, favors, gifts. we’ve already decided to ask the family to make food. this wedding is like one of those $40,000 weddings. ( mine was 5000 all together so this is greek to me) i need to figure out ways to cut costs for us girls without compromising the (for lack of a better word) fanciness of her wedding. would it be ok for me to make handmade invitations? is it ok to just have handmade wedding favors? like toole and mints? if there is really going to be that many people there we have to keep it as inexpensive per person as possible. i need all the help i can get… did i also say this is the first wedding i’ve ever been in? please please please…some advice
amber,
i have an idea. i want to treat this shower as if planning a wedding. i would do a simple dessert “reception”. have an assortment of desserts only, simple punch, waters, and coffee will work just fine. for a more sophisticated palette, dessert and champagne. plan this shower for the “in between” hours when guests will not expect an entire meal. go to your local supermarket bakery and pick up or order a beautiful cake with roses trailing down the side. when i first read your comment, i was thinking omg! a coffee and dessert reception fits the bill. think of it like your going to your local coffee or book store. there is nothing better than a simple “tea” either. if you want simple dainty sandwiches, cake, fruit and veggie trays, condiments, cookies, crackers and cheese. with coffee, soda, tea, etc. just whatever you prefer.i have to admit, our southern showers are simple, i have been to several and ours are cake and punch. it is perfect, since a “shower” is thought of like the afternoon tea party. light refreshments only. as for favors, i wouldnt worry about those, you can choose to have tulle and mints but in this case i would put $$$ elsewhere. for decor, dont go all out. depending on the tables and the room. simple potted herbs, or a single, tall, rose in a vase will be just fine. go to walmart or your local supermarket flower aisle and pick up roses for $10 a dozen. maybe more inyour area. or check out the other flower bunches at walmart. sometimes a little clipping and arranging and simply setting in vases is all you need. $ stores carry flower vases. i would put a theme on this shower so you can plan, decorate, and save money. it can still be nice and elegant. yes, making your own invites is a very good idea.
*bridal shower ideas
*bridal shower pics
i would love to see a pic of the venue and know what the bride enjoys ? wedding theme? you can pull ideas from that too.
omg!! look at this website! i love the love comes softly theme!
perfect! it is simple, the chic vases with the single flower. paper wraps for the napkins, this is a diy haven, oh the $$$ you will save!! an eco looking bridal shower has a great color scheme think chocolate brown and mint green, foliage or ferns for centerpieces, along with simple white linens, white napkins,etc. paper lanterns, candles are inexpensive too.
*bridal shower themes
*coffee/dessert reception ideas
*save money bridal
*table settings and ideas ( my fave is the elegant garden party, i love the simple yet “happy” colors with this, not to mention the way they have it set up)
i hope all this helps, if you need more post back!
thank you! thank you! thank you! for your advice and how encouraging you sounded. im over stressing and you were a big help to make me step back and calm down…with a little creativity it is so easy!