The Basics of Bridal Shower Etiquette
by Melanie Doetsch
While showers have evolved into something more relaxed in recent years, you should still know the basics of bridal shower etiquette to avoid a chance of offending anyone.
Since there will probably be disparate groups at the shower — friends, family and co-workers, usually — it's important to understand how everyone should interact. Especially in the case of family: mothers and grandmothers can place great weight on proper bridal shower etiquette, so make sure you know "the rules"!
The Maid of Honor's usually the person who plans and organizes the bridal shower. If she lives out of town, however, it's fine for someone else to do the honors.
Don't take over without checking with her, though. It's her privilege, and you should always ask her before assuming anything. If you're going to do it for her, make sure you keep her comfortably involved through frequent emails and phone calls.
Bridal shower etiquette traditionally says that a shower should take place at least four to six weeks before the wedding. This is just for practical reasons — the bride's going to be too busy any closer to the ceremony — but if she's coming home only two weeks before the wedding, talk to her and see how she feels about having a shower in her honor so close to the wedding. Chances are, she'll think that's fine if most of her friends can manage to come.
There's been an uncomfortable trend in recent years for large showers, where nearly everyone the bride knows gets an invite. This isn't quite what the bridal shower is supposed to be, though. At least by tradition, a bridal shower's meant to be a small, intimate gathering of the bride's closest friends and family. Proper etiquette dictates a group of no more than ten to twenty guests.
Who the guest list should include: the wedding party, the mothers of the bride and groom, sisters of the bride and groom, and the bride's closest friends and/or coworkers. Contrary to some recent practices, it probably shouldn't include every woman invited to the wedding.
Finally, bridal shower etiquette means making a special point of including the wedding party members ... and the mothers. Ask each of these people to take on some particular responsibility, whether it's recording a list of the givers as the gifts are opened, or running the party games. This will help everyone feel like a key part of this special day.
Does every bridal shower have to have a theme? And decorations?
Donica,
It is nice to provide decor unless you have a super setting that requires very little. The tables and centerpieces are always nice. No they do not need a theme, you can just pick colors and decorate nicely. If it is held in a restaurant then very little will be needed. Even then, Iwould at least have a few things. It depends on the look you are going for!
It has become a trend of younger women that I personally know (ages 25 to 30) to ask other women to bring food items to the wedding or baby shower that she is hosting. I have never heard of such a thing. In all the showers that the women of my family gave, we planned, prepared and provided everything. It was considered a gift to the recipient. The guests just brought a gift. I personally am offended when I am asked to provide a dish. It has nothing to do with an ungiving spirit because I love to give. I perceive it as being cheap on the hostess’ part. I don’t show that I am offended and I provide what is requested. I have to know if I am wrong in my thinking. Can someone please help me?! How do I stop this trend? I am concerned that this will continue into the future generations of the young and upcoming girls in my church.
Lorraine,
In the economy today, I am glad to see it is turning back to those customs. Usually only the wealthy could afford such big affairs and provide food for all the guests. I am a tad old fashioned in my thinking so it warms my heart. Just a good old fashioned pot luck. Unfortunately there is nothing that can be done to stop this type of shower/reception. 
Just imagine all the talent and tastes that will go into the food that is brought. It is true, today, it is seen more proper for the hosts to provide the planning including food. I see no issue with the potluck as long as everyone is not offended. If so, then the ladies may have to come together and talk about this. I do hope this helps and enjoy all the delicious food brought to the events. There are sure to be some GREAT recipes out there! 
This is not a trend. It actually stems back from the 1800′s when the entire town( if such a “fancy” event) would happen. Most all of the women got together and brought the food. And it continued throughout and unfortunately become unproper in the eyes of etiquette. How sad. I feel it is a wonderful thing to do cause it honors a tradition of bygone eras. When everyone wanted to come together and bring a dish to help the bride/couple in celebration. Something to look forward too!! There wasn’t much to do then other than work and survive, so any event was treasured!
PS Lorraine,
It really is left up to the hosts what style planning should be done. I am from the deep south, so potlucks are as normal as non-potluck( when all the hosts provide the food). There will be events that it may not go over as well, it also depends on the style of event it is and the budget. I didn’t want to cause any confusion.
Lorraine,
We have recently been invited to a bridal shower and in the invitation they have asked the invitee’s to bring $15 for their meal at a resturant and get gifts at the registered places enclosed in the invite!!!
Maybe i’m “old school” but i’ve been to alot of bridal shower’s and I have NEVER heard of this… i have planned and given bridal and baby showers and have provided everything right down to the gifts for playing games, and i would never even think to ask the invitee’s to give me money for coming to what i have invited them too…
I personally feel the etiquette of this has been offended…..
Paula,
Now this is not good etiquette to ask for $$$ to pay for the meal. Bringing a dish and “paying” for your meal is different. Plus bringing a dish should always be optional. For the invites , it is very common to provide the registries either by an insert on on back of invite. I understand all points of view. I can see where it can offend and not offend. I only wanted to mention potlucks are slowly making a comeback.
Stacey,
Thank-you for your comments,
I did not attend the shower, as alot of people I found did not either, I understand that the bride had 3 shower’s!
This may be the reason for their asking for $$$.. but I still feel that if you are HOSTING a party you PROVIDE…
Asking for a dish is exceptable I agree, and its a give that if you are invited to a wedding/baby shower that you bring your appropriate gift.
We will be attending the wedding (we would not of made the cut-off had the groom not of texted us to tell us)
Usually the groom is just along for the ride… LOL
Thanks again—
Paula,
But, it depends on the final count the caterer needs. It can be 2 weeks or 4 weeks. I would say more on the 4 weeks timeline. It gives a little more room to work within.
I think it could of been worded a bit nicer.
I am the MOH for my best friends wedding. Her birdal shower is next month. I am struggling with the other bridesmaids on what is an appropriate gift and what is an acceptable amount to ask everyone to pitch in. Please help!
Christi,
It can be anything that fits the bride, whether from the registry or jewelry etc. The amount should be agreed on together ( what they can afford) by the bm’s and work within that price range. I have seen alot of bm buy a beautiful nightgown and robe set. Even seen bm go the untraditonal route and get a gift certificate for the couple at a restaurant( newlyweds with a free nite without cooking! :thumbsup:)or her a pedi and mani at her fave spot, or even a cooking basket full of things to help her get started or expand her cooking skills. Sky is the limit!
I am the bride and two separate showers are being thrown in my honor (yay!). The MOG is throwing one for her family and friends, which makes up the majority of our wedding guest list. That shower will be in November. My sister (who is my MOH) also wants to throw me a shower that is smaller and more intimate with my friends and close family on our side, which will be held in January. My wedding is in February, so we have to avoid December due to Holidays and other commitments. My mother (an exteremly difficult MOB), who lives out of town, has recently said that she doesn’t want to take time off of work in November when the MOG scheduled that shower, even though I told her it would be that weekend 6+ months ago. My question is, does MOB have to attend the other family’s shower? Will that look bad for the MOG? Especially since MOB is not contributing to the wedding/shower/anything, I don’t think she has the right to ask to rearrange the shower just because she doesn’t want to take two days off of work and buy a plane ticket.
Katrina,
Not at all. Usually the mothers and bridal party are invited to all showers but it is not necessary that she attends each one. The brides mother usually attends the one on her familys side and “may” go to the other showers but separate showers are usually done so each family will have a chance to honor the bride.
Do I need to invite the hostesses who have given me a shower, to another party that is being given for me?
JJ,
Not unless you just want too. It is a matter of choice. If they are close to you and you want to share it with them, then by all means. If it is another shower then no cause if there are multiple showers then the guest lists should be different. If the hostesses are your bridal party or play a role in your wedding then I would consider it.
First of all thank you for this website. i originally thought I was supposed to invite all of the girls invited to the wedding. I feel better now. My question is that I have a Jr. BM around 13-14, do I invite her to the bridal shower?
by the way, it is my aunts that are throwing the bridal shower, they asked to. Do I just let the girls know they don’t have to do it, but to let me know if they really want to and I can talk to my aunts?
Andrea,
You can invite her, it would be thoughtful.
* tips
You can give the girls the heads up on the shower. They may decide to do something on their own for you too. At least they would know their options. It could be they may want to help with this shower. You sound very considerate of your bridal party!!
I am hosting a bridal shower for a close friends son’s Bride to be.
A money tree has been made for the couple, how do we let other know that they can be apart of that as well or they can do what ever with out asking for money> Don’t want to offend anyone.
Verna,
real cute…
If you are having trouble finding just the gift for us,
This may prove a solution with a minimum of fuss.
Just pop your gift inside the flower and pin it to our tree,
And make a wish for happiness forever ours to be.
or this…
We hope that you will join us,
on this our special day,
To celebrate our union
in a very special way.
To make it easy for you
and avoid a shopping spree
We thought that we would also have,
a little money tree.
Also have the bridal registry slip inside the invite, so they can pick and choose.
Verna,
Forgot to mention, have the poem at the bottom of invite.
We offered to hold a shower for a hometown bride who is living out of town and getting married out of town. Our communication is through the mother of the bride and email. We offered a pampered chef party July 1. August 8 when about to sent out invitations for the Sept 5 event the mother of the bride called to see the bride had received “all” her registered items, no she did not want the pamered chef party. We were upset, planning had started. My co-host felt we should cancel the event. We spoke and concluded we would hold a “donation” luncheon where the bride and groom choose a group for us to donate to and that would be the shower gift. I spoke to the mother of the bride with this plan. We then spoke a week later, after she had spoken to the bride and the bride concluded we could have the attendees split the cost of a $300 mixer. That is the problem, we did NOT offer that, we offered a donation shower. We are about to cancel the whole event. Your thougths?
Margaret,
The hosts get to plan the shower and decide on the planning and budget. The bride shouldn’t be involved in the planning. You said a $300 mixer? I am not sure I undertood if that was an item or a party-mixer?
Gift giving is also optional and up the the guest. It could be the bride doesnt want a shower BUT actually sounds like she may desire the traditional shower and gifts. If you meant $300 mixer-party then she wants something not pricey and lowkey. That is what I would do is go traditional AFTER finding out if she really wants one from a close source to the bride; MOB? ( I would ask her if the bride did want lowkey and tradtional). It is very thoughtful you want to throw her a shower and I would hate to see you cancel the event but I do understand your dilemma. It would be hard to “want” to plan a shower. I wish you the best of luck!!
Is the mother of the bride supposed to buy a shower gift for all the showers? Or is it okay to just buy for one? This is getting expensive, we are also hosting the rehersal dinner at our house!!! Help!
Susie,
When attending multiple showers, you do not have to buy a gift for each one-unless you choose too. One gift is sufficient.
Thank you! I was wondering the same thing, only I’m the mother of the groom. At the first shower, I gave a pretty generous gift, and wasn’t thrilled about buying one for the second shower.
Is proper for a grandmother to give a bridal shower?
Evelyn,
The old rules of etiquette are changing. Today just about anyone can give a shower. I say go for it!! Happy planning!!
The bride/groom are living in the US, but both originally from the same foreign country. Wedding is being held in their home country, but most US guests will not be able to come. SO, we do a bridal shower in the U.S. and U.S. guests attend or send gifts for this. Do they also have to send gifts at the time of the wedding? Most have bought gifts from the Bridal wedding registry for the shower.
Beena,
Gift giving is the guests personal preference whether mailing them or waiting til the wedding etc. Once idea if the bride is still long distance is a bridal shower in a box.
* tips here
Beena,
* more tips
If there will be a traditional shower then guests invited to the shower should also be invited tothe wedding. If planning a shower invite the guests( family and friends) that are closest to the bride.
I am co-hosting a “Tea” for a couple who were recently married in another country. The event will be held in the groom’s home-town. Since the groom has been overseas for the most of the past 5 or 6 years the invitations were sent to both couples and singles. This is the only party to be held in the groom’s hometown His parents still reside there. He wants to be present at the “Tea” in order to see the guests. The couple has chosen not to open gifts at the come and go event. They prefer to use the time to visit with
the attendees. A receiving line will be in place with the groom’s father and mother, the groom and the bride, and the bride’s mother (who is from another state) and an aunt, who is traveling with the bride’s mother because the bride’s father cannot attend. Does the aunt need to be in the receiving line? A table will be set up to receive the gifts as well as a register table and a refreshment table. We plan to have some chairs placed throughout the venue. Some of the hostesses have commented that they have never attended a ‘Tea” were the gifts were not opened. Is this arrange-ment considered to be proper? What other suggestions do you have to make this event a comfortable time for all involved?
Helen,
* great article
* loads of info
* more tips/ideas
* receiving line etiquette
Helen,
* gift opening tips for the come and go.
* super tips
I would say only the newly married couple should be in a receiving line to greet the guests. Let all of the others mingle and enjoy their guests. Gifts are opened at showers and “teas.” However, since this is more of a reception honoring the newlyweds, I would refrain from opening gifts until after the event has taken place, also. Give the couple the entire evening to enjoy the company of those present. Give them an opportunity to get to know the new bride. Make an extra effort to welcome the bride’s mother and aunt and introduce them to as many people as possible. Have you thought of a small program, welcoming the newlyweds to “the hometown,” congratulating them on their nuptials, and introducing the parents and mother/aunt? This would also be an opportunity for the local minister to offer a “blessing” and thank the guests for coming. You could mention where the newlyweds will be living and what type of work their are both in to give the home town people more to talk about with them when they have an opportunity to talk.
I am hosting a Bridal Shower and requested that all RSVP by Aug 1. Well Aug 1 is here and I have not heard from about 7 yet. Whose responsibility is this? I have hired a caterer so I absolutely have to know how many as lunch is being served. Is this detail up to the bride? How do I handle this? Am I suppose to get the ph numbers of these guests and call them myself? Please advise.
Jill,
It is the shower hosts (or the contact name/number provided on the shower invites) responsibility see if they received their invite. The bride shouldnt be involved in shower planning process. Sometimes they can get lost or forgotten in day to day activities.
* tips
Just went to a bridal shower, played the games. Someone won playing, my cousin says that the person who won is suppose to give the gift to the bride to be. What is proper etiquette??? I hear the same comment everytime we go to one, which has been for the last 35 yrs or so… Thanks, Laura
Laura,
The guests that play the games and win prizes keep the prize. Imagine a childs birthday party and children play the games but must give the prizes to the birthday child. Same rules apply to showers. I am not sure how this became the norm but it is not proper to play a game and win but not keep the prize in your effort.
Bridal Shower Games:
Games are not a required part of a bridal shower, however, they often serve the purpose of breaking the ice with a group of people that may not all know each other. If games are not going to be played, at least begin the shower with introductions. As a side comment, if games are played prizes are generally given out. ( from Bwedd)
We are not having a child birthday party. We are all grow ladies so the nice chair I won I should have taking home with me? Another lady won the matching one. I left mine for the bride.
i am getting married in october and i have about 72 guests at ceremony only, then an additional 70 guests that are reception only. ( we couldnt afford beer and food for 140 ) so wedding will start at 6pm and reception at 730, to give my family time to eat and migle before other guests show up. food will be serrved in a seperate location from main tent so, the other 70 people that show up wont be offeneded, and recpetion onlys say join us for light refreshments which we will have under main tent. i invited all girls from ceremony only and reception to bridal shower…ws that wrng ?
venue is outside at parents and all takes place in same location
rivahgirl,
you said you are inviting all the girls from the ceremony and reception only? Only those closest to you should attend unless you want everyone there. As long as they are invited tothe ceremony or the reception it is okay. It is up to you who you want to share your bridal shower with.
Should gifts be “addressed” to the bride only, or to the bride and groom. This is a kitchen shower, but gifts will benefit both. Is the bridal shower considered only for the bride or both. Groom will not be attending the shower.
Diane,
You can out the brides name if it is more of a personal gift like a lingerie shower etc. Put the couples name if it is for both of them.
Is it appropriate to register at a department store for minimal items, but also state that gift cards from Home Depot or Lowes would also be appreciated?
I have owned a home for several years, and I am not in need of much of the traditional wedding/shower gifts, but my fiance and I are planning to do a lot of work to the house.
I think you have a great idea. I had on “open house” shower for my son and his fiance. He had just moved into a new townhouse and she would be joining him after the wedding. She had registered at a department store, but I also added a note on the invitations that gift cards from Target and Home Depot would be appreciated. The majority of gifts (mostly my friends and family) from that shower were the gift cards!! They were both thrilled!
I’ve been invited to another bridal shower for the same bride. After the first shower the wedding was cancelled because the groom cannot be there due to military restrictions…..the wedding is now 11 months away. They are just going to live together now until the next wedding date. I think the showers should stop until a few weeks until the wedding but the brides family says “they need that stuff to set up their home…they have nothing” I say get married. I was taught you don’t use the gifts until after the marriage…and if it doesn’t happen they are returned to the givers. So now we give showers to help people live comfortably in sin? Apparently I’m the only one who thinks this is bad manners.
I’ve been invited to a bachelorette party, bridal shower and wedding. Should I be giving gifts at every event?
bachelorett party….bring a pack of condoms, bridal shower a couple cute dish towels and the wedding cash…what you can afford 5 , 10 or 20 bucks….and you don’t have to go to everything!
etiquette question: i am one of 10 bridesmaids, and there is no MOH. the bridal shower is at my place, 2 weeks from now. about 20 people are coming. an email sent to the other bridesmaids only received a few replies – a couple people offered to bring a little food, and the other couple of girls just said they weren’t coming. so basically the cost of the rest of the food, and the alcohol and decor comes down to me. is it ok for me to ask for money from the girls who aren’t coming? i can’t afford to buy booze for 20 people. what can i ask of the other girls?
Hello, You do not have to serve booze! Make up some punch and offer coffee. 10 bridesmaids and not one steps up besides you? Talk to the Bride she picked those gals….
My sister and I (MOG) are hosting a bridal shower in my home. Is it appropriate for my name to be on the invitation?
Cathy,
If you are hosting then yes it should be listed.
Thank you!
I’m a bride getting married in October. My wedding is a destination wedding and because of this a lot of people will not be able to attend that normally would have. I’m wondering if it would be ok to invite around 30 people to the Bridal shower instead of the traditional 10 to 20. My thinking is that many of them will not be attending the wedding but would still like to partake in something. Would this be received properly?
Catie,
Anyone invited to the bridal shower shoudl also be on the wedding guest list. Unless you are throwing a post reception then it is okay.
I am hosting a shower by myself for a friend. Do I also need to give a gift?
hosting a friend,
Gift giving is optional. Most hosts do give a gift though and others consider the shower the gift. I would go with my heart.
* hoping this helps.
Here’s something I’ve done in the past . . . go buy the bride a simple, but nice address book (make sure it has room for email addresses and cell phone numbers). At the shower, pass it around the room, ask everyone to fill the their information and the information of any other friends or relatives who didn’t make it. It’s a small but practical gift that will make writing out thank you cards, calling friends, updating her facebook pages, etc a little easier . . . and that will be a great gift . . . more time to enjoy the weeks leading up to her wedding.
I’m a Bride, with an October wedding date. The MOB would like to throw me a shower of sorts, but the problem is that ALL but one of my bridal party are out of towners. And we already have so much planned the few days before the wedding, so the bridal shower will need to be before then. What is the etiquette on this sort of situation? Can it just be the ladies that my mom would like to invite (not necessarily those that are invited to the wedding) and not any of the bridal party? Should I let my MOH in on the planning, even though I know she can’t make it?
Sarah,
I would talk to my bm about this cause they should be invited.
* tips that might help
The Moh could think about a shower in a box for you. It is a very nice thing to do when most of the bridal party etc. live out of town.( a gift card shower). Some straddle the fence on this idea but it is quickly becoming “the” thing to do is touch situations. You can still have the ladies your mom invites but for those who cant make it would still be able to join inthe activities. A bride should never plan her own shower or request one since they are an optional event. The gift card shower would be easy to do and take some stress out of planning.
* helpful link
Sarah,
* another idea is bridal shower in a box
If a shower cant be thrown then most will bring a gift to the wedding, so set up a gift table. Just a simple table with a vase of flowers will work.
* ideas
I am a bridesmaid which I can’t attend the bridal shower. I am still planning to give a gift which is my third time. The problem is the MOH is still expecting me to pitch in money, bake something and help out with other stuff, What am I to do???
Tiffany,
Usually the bridal party does pitch in together and share duties/expenses. The bridal party shoudl have sat down and discussed what the budget would be and then based a shower within that budget. A huge amount of money should not be expected and is actually considered rude when planning a event above the budget which hurts anyones pcoket book. Alot of the responsibilities that the MOH has may be directed toward the BM, which is unfair unless they volunteer.
Tiffany,
* have a look at this article
* more tips
* you will love this site
are ‘”thank you’” notes sent for shower gifts as well as wedding gifts.
Pat,
yes. They should be sent out within 2 weeks after the shower.
* etiquette
SHould relatives that live outside of the state be invited to the bridal shower? Doesn’t it look like you are just looking for a gift? But they could be offended if they are not invited. They are all coming to the wedding.
Mary Beth,
Some brides do and some dont. It can be a thoughtful thing or to some guests a pressure. It would think about my family and friends and see which category they fall into.
* great info on google search
I am MOB, large wedding in September. Maid of Honor and MOG are each holding showers because of the amount of people. Is the MOB expected to attend both showers and bring gifts? We are paying for much of the wedding already and have purchased gifts from bride’s registry. Help.
Do,
Not at all. It would be nice to attend but not required. When attending multiple showers you are not required to bring a gift to each one. Some choose to, others opt out or may buy small gifts for each shower that would equal the $$$ on one large gift.
So, I was just invited to a wedding shower for my fiance’s best friends future wife (confusing huh?!) well, I have met this future wife approximately 2 times ( I have known the guy for about 8 years though). I don’t quite understand why I was invited since I don’t really know this girl, plus the only contact she has with me is my fiance. Is it rude to not go? I am in 3 weddings this year, I’ve been invited to 7 (some through my fiance- which the above mentioned is one) plus we are planning our wedding for next year?!?! Why do people invite everyone, I thought it was supposed to be close friends and family, of which I am neither.
Erica,
Usually it is closest ones to the bride but nowdays it is a mix of guests. I think it was thoughtful to include you and a great chance to get to know each other better since her soon to be and your soon to be are best friends. I am guessing it may be the beginning of more get togethers for you all. it would be nice to go but if you feel uncomfy then no you dont have too.
Hi Brides,
Thought I would do something a little new. I made some bridal shower boards.