The Basics of Bridal Shower Etiquette
While showers have evolved into something more relaxed in recent years, you should still know the basics of bridal shower etiquette to avoid a chance of offending anyone.
Since there will probably be disparate groups at the shower — friends, family and co-workers, usually — it's important to understand how everyone should interact. Especially in the case of family: mothers and grandmothers can place great weight on proper bridal shower etiquette, so make sure you know "the rules"!
The Maid of Honor's usually the person who plans and organizes the bridal shower. If she lives out of town, however, it's fine for someone else to do the honors.
Don't take over without checking with her, though. It's her privilege, and you should always ask her before assuming anything. If you're going to do it for her, make sure you keep her comfortably involved through frequent emails and phone calls.
Bridal shower etiquette traditionally says that a shower should take place at least four to six weeks before the wedding. This is just for practical reasons — the bride's going to be too busy any closer to the ceremony — but if she's coming home only two weeks before the wedding, talk to her and see how she feels about having a shower in her honor so close to the wedding. Chances are, she'll think that's fine if most of her friends can manage to come.
There's been an uncomfortable trend in recent years for large showers, where nearly everyone the bride knows gets an invite. This isn't quite what the bridal shower is supposed to be, though. At least by tradition, a bridal shower's meant to be a small, intimate gathering of the bride's closest friends and family. Proper etiquette dictates a group of no more than ten to twenty guests.
Who the guest list should include: the wedding party, the mothers of the bride and groom, sisters of the bride and groom, and the bride's closest friends and/or coworkers. Contrary to some recent practices, it probably shouldn't include every woman invited to the wedding.
Finally, bridal shower etiquette means making a special point of including the wedding party members ... and the mothers. Ask each of these people to take on some particular responsibility, whether it's recording a list of the givers as the gifts are opened, or running the party games. This will help everyone feel like a key part of this special day.
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I just came from my son’s financee’s shower- I love her, by the way. She chose to take the wrapped gifts home– I’ve never heard of this, and I think several people were disappointed. Isn’t the norm to open them at the shower– that is, after all, most of what the shower is about!
confusedmog,
yes you are right. i can understand how guests would feel disappointed, anticipating the oohs and ahhs of what she got. if there were alot of gifts, i would have made sure i opened the gifts of the guests present and the guests who sent gifts and couldnt make it, that would have been okay to save them for later. i am sure she wanted to spend time with her guests instead of the entire shower opening alot of gifts, this could be what she was thinking. From the sounds of it, I do not think she meant to offend anyone if she did.
My brother is getting married soon but he is having a small wedding and not inviting our very large extended family - yet there is some pressure for a shower. The MOB is hosting a shower but it doesn’t seem right to invite people to a shower if they are not invited to the wedding. I am thinking of hosting a wedding party for the family to congratulate the bride and groom but I wasn’t sure about a shower. Any thoughts?
not sure,
etiquette usually says no, though, some brides are bending these rules. what i would do is have a family party and have it after the wedding like a second reception. this way a shower can be planned. this is a great way to include family in celebration of the big day. have a simple sheet cake to cut, nothing to fancy. i would actually opt for a cake and punch or champagne celebration, costs would be super reasonable. choose a place that needs no decor. it will be best in the long run. if you are wanting to provide food, keep it simple. light appetizers will work just fine. limit the party to 2 hours. Or a hot dog party is a great way to go. make it fun! like a birthday party except grown up. one of the most inexpensive receptions i have attended was chicken spaghetti, meatball spaghetti, a large salad, garlic bread, and simple strawberry shortcake in large aluminium pans. assorted drinks. there was even food left over cause it was hearty and a great filler. the shortcake really hit the spot. i would make it super casual so noone has to dress up alot. have the newlyweds wear their attire for pics then change or a simple dress and slacks/jeans nice shirt with flipflops. how great would that picture be!! it can be done and on the cheap. so i would go this route, just make this the shower too. for example:
you are invited to the casual wedding reception/shower of
Mr. and Mrs. bride and groom
on
date
venue
time
Wear something casual and comfortable!!
this lets guests smile to a unwinding event. a luau would be perfect for this!!! orientaltrading.com has cheap decor for this them!!
*perfect party theme
*the knot
*more ideas
*more themes
gave links just in case!!
Hello I was married July 11, 2009. I Couldn’t of asked for a more beautiful day. All 13 of my bridesmaid were great. My sister and I had a double Wedding on what would of been my MomMom’s birthday- whom I adore greatly. She had passed away but will remain with us always. Not only did I marry a man I adore but I got to share this special day with my little sister- I can’t begin to tell you all the emotions I had. I know that on July 11th I was extremely happy. My mommom was a symbol of butterflies, so on my wedding I would be surrounded by them- my flowers, the cake, the alter bows and even the ice sculpture it was as beautifull as she was. On Our Double Honeymoon we were greeted by an endless supply of butterflies I know in my heart she was there. I couldn’t of asked for a better time- it was a struggle getting there but no regrets. I want to thank all my Family and Friends it meant the world to me.
As a bride, how does one talk to the MOH about her constant complaints about money and expenses relating to the bridal shower etc. She has been offensive at times.
Kim,
this is one of those very difficult situations. i would sit her down and talk to her about things non wedding and when you noticed a relaxed time. i would say i am so excited to have you have you stand up for me on my wedding day but i was just wondering how you are doing? i havent had a chance to talk with you among all the planning and was wondering if you had any concerns? if she feels like she is not being attacked then she will most likely state what is wrong without being offensive. I would keep eye contact and listen to her. It could be she cant afford the moh expenses and is pressuring herself to do so, to keep from disappointing someone she cares deeply about. I know this can be a not so joyous moment in the planning phase. If she has not bought anything and is just complaining about the expenses just tell her that her feelings are important to you and that you go way back. that you dont want the wedding to come in between your friendship and would understand if she just wanted to share in the joy of being a guest, that you will love her just by being present. Sometimes the bridal party gets a major bashing and i am not saying it is okay to have outbursts ( but that is showing an underlying issue and it may be she cant say no even though $$$ may be very tight). Coming from a best friends role she may not want to hurt the brides feelings, and she cant speak up. I am not saying this is right cause i would want to know if they could or couldnt afford the wedding. I am sure she wants to stand by your side on the most important day of your life, and felt like she would let you down. There are many emotional issues( example: sometimes even being single and watching your bf or sis be the one getting married can cause nonintentional feelings) in a wedding especially when $$$ start hitting the table. I know i may be completely off base. Keeping the lines of communication open even if it is something hard to hear just shows unconditional love. i hope this helps!!
Please HELP!
If someone was invited to a bridal shower and did not rsvp or acknowledge the bride in any way should those people still be on the wedding list?
kathy,
there are some guests that dont rsvp. usually the bride will give the guest list for the bridal shower, if they are on thse list then yes, they are invited to the wedding too. chances are the guest wont show. i would call just to make sure they declined though. with rsvp’s some phone calls will still need to be made. if they are included on the invite list, then the bride or couple must want them included.
Is it etiquette to only send shower invites to people who are attending the wedding?
Bonnie,
guests attending the bridal shower should also be invited to the wedding.
I am the MOG. I received an invitation in the mail to the Bridal Shower given by the MOB. MOH started to give the shower, but MOB took over (all the way down to NOT listing the MOH’s name on the invite). Invitation didn’t have my name on it-just address, and frankly I just assumed they meant my daughter also. We went…talk about “uncomfortable”. No one else on my son’s side of the family was invited. Frankly, I had an argruement with my son about this. In the 22yrs. of my oldest son’s life, I’ve been “mad” at him 3 times. Age 13-caught him smoking. Age 20-he had an arguement with HIS future M-I-L. (MOB was upset with her daughter and called my son every name in the book. She was upset because her daughter didn’t pay ALL the lot rent and electric bill as she has since she started work at age 16.-Yep, you heard right. Jerry Springer type stuff).
I happen to be very proud of my son (Firefighter/EMT/Paramedic/Dispatcher-College Grad) AND my Future D-I-L. (EMT/Paramedic-College Grad). I know I’m supposed to “show-up, shut-up and wear beige” but, when my family is getting shafted on invites to the shower and the wedding…
The thought of this “one sided” wedding turns my stomach.
I am a MOG. I just received an invitation to a shower for my soon to be daughter in law. I didn’t know anything about the shower until I received the invitation in the mail. It turns out the shower is the same day as my parents 60th wedding anniversay party, which is being given by me and my siblings. I cannot go to the shower because of this. I am feeling hurt and excluded because as the MOG I should have been asked before they picked a date for the shower if it was okay with me. Is this right or wrong? Is it okay for them to go and make plans for this without checking the date with the MOG?
I want to call the MOB to tell her what I am feeling about this. Is that okay to do?
nora,
i believe this is an oversight instead of intentional, i would try not to get to upset. i can understand your hurt feelings. i would explain to them what happened and unfortunately cant make it, but would love too. its just you and your siblings are hosting a anniversary party. unfortunately it was the shower hosts that set the shower date and arent required to inquire. i am so sorry it turned out this way. it will be okay, your parents will have a wonderful day as well as your fdil, the main event all loved ones will be attending, that is actually the event that shouldnt be missed. i do understand my advice may not ease hurt feelings. wish your fdil the best and tell her to have a wonderful shower and you cant wait to see all the great gifts she got!! i am betting she will be saddened by missing your parents anniversary party as you are about missing the shower. btw,
congrats to the marriage of your son AND your parents being together for 60 years!! what beautiful celebrations indeed!! smile.
I am in a very unorganized wedding. We have 6 weeks until the “big day” and I was just informed that since the MOH, also the bride’s sister, doesn’t want to throw a Bridal Shower myself and another bridesmaid are going to have to throw it instead.
There is a coed Wedding Shower this evening that we are all invited to and the same girls that will be going this evening will be on the invite list for another one.
I personally feel this is redundant and unnecessary, we are all strapped for time and money. I also thought that it was the responsibility of the bride’s family to throw showers in an event like this.
Any advice?
frustrated,
a bridal shower is optional and since she is already having one, you could opt out of throwing another. instead just take the bride out for a wonderful lunch and present her with a beautiful gift. i usually suggest this since the bride may need a say of R&R. it would be nice to add pedis and manis?!? how great would that be!! i am betting she will get most of what she needs at the coed shower. there really wouldnt be a reason to throw another. me, personally i would just take the bride out for the day as suggested. girls day out!! a pamper party!! it is usually the bridal party’s responsibility to throw a shower. however, now days, if there isnt anyone or if someone volunteers, it can be thrown by just about anyone. so make those lunch reservations at a fave restaurant, go to a simple place with 2 die for food, or grab coffee and dessert and present her with a personal( instead of a couple) gift, spa products? a gorgeous nightgown( think victorias secret i spotted a gorgeous ensemble for $40) and robe for her honeymoon? it doesnt have to be costly, keep it simple!! you will be glad you did!
I am the MOH and only bridesmaid in my sister’s wedding. I am throwing her a bridal shower and her guest list is HUGE, how can I tell guests that it is an infromal dinner/shower for the bride and they are responsible for their own bill?…without sounding tacky and poor.
frusterated,
*bridal shower tips
* more tips
*coffee and dessert shower ( have the theme more like a coffee shop, include kolaches(yum!) elegant looking donuts, lil’ cakes, etc)
*champagne and dessert bridal shower
i would opt for a cheaper yet elegant shower, cake and champagne or dessert and coffee is plenty for a shower. just plan at a time guests wont expect a full meal. i would do what i could afford. it will still be memorable and thats what its really alll about!!
another idea is to go to a simple restaurant and book a private room or have spaghetti, salad, garlic bread, and dessert( strawberry shortcake. this will go a long way. perfect for those who dont care for meat too; meatballs on the side.
You can simply send the invite and at the bottom, just say “dinners range from “9.99-29.99″ or whatever the price range is and that way everyone will know THEY are paying for themselves!!!
should grandmothers, aunts and cousins be included, even if some other states/countries?
happy,
yes they should even if they cant make it youwill still want to include them on the guest list and send an invite
I just received an invitation to the bridal shower for my stepson’s fiancé that will be held five hours from my home. My dilemma is: my husband and I are rarely, if ever, included in anything to do with the wedding, unless it is something we need to pay for. On the occasion of the few and far between visits we have with them I am rarely spoken to. I feel very uncomfortable about going to a shower where I won’t know anyone and most likely won’t feel very welcome. What’s the best way to politely decline – considering that my husband is his son’s best man?
crazy in cn,
it will be a difficult thing to decline but i understand your dilemma. if your finances are tight then youcould always tell them that( if it is the case) or it looks like your not gonna be able to make the trip, but will be very excited to see them at the wedding and you will give them their wedding gift there and keep it simple. do you have anything you need to be doing that day. then you could say unfortunatley something come up you couldnt get out of but you hope they have a beautiful day.
I am in my soon to be sister-in-laws wedding she is having a HUGE wedding party and can’t decide on a maid of honor, so I guess we r all suppose to be bridesmaids. The problem is a co-worker of hers has made up a title for herself as the maids maid. I am just trying to figure out who should be throwing the bridal shower in this case?? I don’t want to step on toes and I don’t want to cause any problems
confused,
all the bm should get together and plan a budget ( after finding out how much everyone can pitch in) and go fromthere. usually the moh heads it but in this case all the bm can give her a wonderful day!! good luck!!
I am the bride and I am pretty much throwing the whole shower I feel embarrased and way out of place doing this but all my bridesmaid are big talkers but didn’t do anything and now it is this weekend at my house and I am rushing around trying to make it perfect!
I have a question regarding when the Bride should arrive at the shower if it is not a surprise.
G,
usually a few minutes before start time.
I am the bride. I always thought that having a lingerie party would be so fun with my close friends and immediate female family members. I have two dilemmas:
I could have two in one day. Like the coed first and then have the guys leave and have the lingerie party. But, then again, I’m not sure what friends and family would think about guys being there. I’m just not sure what to do???
)
First - all of my bridesmaids are broke due to grad school debt (except my sister - the matron of honor)! I just don’t want it to be so expensive for them. They are buying their dress, buying lingerie and buying a wedding gift. That’s a lot of buying!!! Now, I know I can just have a plain old boring bridal shower, but knowing my friends we’d be laughing up a storm with this type of party. My friends are very creative, crafty and goofs (my bridesmaid’s theme for my bachelorette party is penis haha).
With this, I wouldn’t mind two parties, but my sister or even my friends and family may think that’s going overboard and costly. In addition, I want my fiance, my friends and family to be there when we open our gifts from our registry. I could have a coed one, but that takes the fun out of the lingerie party.
Second - how do I keep it formal with this type of party? My fiance’s family is very formal and I don’t want to offend them or think of my friends and I as immature (I could just see one of my friends buying whips and chains as a gag gift and then say ‘let’s test them out’ and jokingly use the whip — something inappropriate like that). We are grown adults and love to laugh at the simple things and odd things in life (who doesn’t!?!). But, they can be weird sometimes - so, not sure what they would think. If they think it was inappropriate then they would complain to my fiance, which in turn he’d be complaining to me. Taking note, I want to invite them so they can be apart of every aspect of the wedding (plus, they would feel hurt if they weren’t invited), so, excluding them wouldn’t be an option.
Guess I’m overwhelming myself with this! Trying to make everyone happy (which I know, can’t make everyone happy - but, I can always try
Thank you for the help!
I am having a shower for my daughter (technically hosted by a cousin so that it doesn’t seem tacky). She has everything she needs and doesn’t want anyone to have to spend lots of money. I thought a “picture this” theme would work. In the invitation, I stipulated that gifts be limited to family snapshots or individual photos. Those things mean more, cost very little, and don’t lend themselves to competition.
OK, reality check. It sounds like in the excitement of your wedding - which is great and all - you’re losing sight of the big picture here. If your friends are as broke as you say, then there’s no reason in the world to be inviting them to 2 showers where they feel obligated to buy you 2 presents in addition to your wedding gift. Keep in mind that in addition to the 3 - count ‘em 3! - gifts they are now purchasing for you, they’re also forking out for bridesmaid dresses (or just buying something nice to wear), hosting the actual showers, and possibly hotel and travel expenses.
So, here’s the solution. Assuming you enough volunteers to throw all these showers, you don’t have to invite the same guests to every party. You can invite the groom’s “formal family” to the couples shower, and then invite your close friends to a small girls-only lingerie shower. Besides, I’d expect most groom’s family (mom, sisters, cousins) would prefer not to think about you guys getting it on and your sexy lingerie. I doubt they’d feel hurt being excluded from this event, and unless you are best friends with his sister, they don’t even need to hear that it’s taking place.
How do you word an invitation if the MOB and Grandmother of the bride are paying for an entire shower……the bridesmaids are taking care of games, and entertainment part and set up …..without offending the mother of the groom??? should I just omit the phase hosted by???and just keep RSVP?
Loren,
you will need rsvp contact numbers and info. so the hosts will need to be listed, all of them. or they can talk it over and agree on someones name and number to be contacted. the grandmother may choose to leave that up to the moh( which the moh is usually the one for the rsvp even with multiple hosts) since the bm will be pitching in they will be hosts too. i know you mentioned the mog being offended, not sure why, but why not let her help decorate and pitch in making things. she can be a host too!!
but you could put it
hosted by: bridal party and family
this may offend others, since their name wasnt actually listed. i am not sure, how they would feel. i would put someones name that everyone would know for the contact number. cause if they dont it may have negative effects on the attendance.
*bridal shower wording
if you choose to omit the hosts line. make sure to have the moh for contact info, doing this make sure everyone that helped plan will be thanked at the shower. it wouldnt be polite not to thank them after the hard work and $$$ put into it. i hope this helps with your dilemma.
I am the bride and I was married before. My fiance has also been married before and I was wondering if it was appropriate to have a bridal shower. We don’t really need anything for our home but a longerie shower or honeymoon shower would be helpful. My two grown daughters are bms and would like to do something for us. Any advice?
marsha,
you can give the green light for a bridal shower, it is very appropriate to have one. whether a one time bride or a encore bride. i hope you and your family have a wonderful time with your new journey. i wish you both all the best!!
Help! I am a bridesmaid for my cousin, I’m from out of town, The MOH is incharge of the shower - I agreed to chip in on helping with the shower - which I thought was for the party favors and decorations, I thought it was odd to be asked to do that in the first place - anyways, the invitations went out last week and then today I was informed that each bridesmaid owes $170! We never got a price quote, menu - nothing - just some ideas from the MOH. There are 6 of us, the guest list is for 70! It’s a sunday brunch! I did not agree to this much! It’s crazy!! I have never been to a 70 person shower nor have I had to pay for a shower. Do I still get a gift? I don’t want to jip the bride she has no control over this. Do not attend? Oh help! How do I get threw this? It’s in a few weeks!
I am so torn - the hotel, gas money a gift, I am going to go broke. I agreed to be a bridesmaid with the bride, I agreed to go on a bachelorette weekend, this is way too much! My husband is having a fit!
monica,
usually the bm and moh will chip in on one gift. i would be upfront about my finances and explain that you didnt think it would be so high. that it would be something you all could afford. it was unthoughtful to spring this amount on you all of a sudden. you are not required to pay more than you can afford, since you were not in the planning process. it is wrong to tell you what you must pay, it should have been discussed in a group as to what could be afforded. if you pitch in this will make you a host, i would tell them i will give what i can afford or step down as one of the hosts cause you cant afford the travel expenses etc. i would just give my gift to the bride at the wedding.
*bridal shower tips
monica, i thought this q&a forum fit you your situation perfectly. it is also from a top wedding website.
*bridal shower costs
me,
i would talk to her and say it is really important to me to help plan a shower for my sister. i was wondering which direction you wanted to go with the shower and i might have a few ideas that might work, maybe we could sit down and talk. if this dont work, why not just bring just your sister to a day just for her. you could treat her out to lunch and have a relaxing day. does she like pedis and manis? treat her to those and help her with the beauty end of getting ready for her big day. if the moh wants this day and wants to pay for the entire thing,( if any bm are paying a portion their planning ideas SHOULD be involved and shared, otherwise they shouldnt have to pay) if you are not paying then the moh or host will decide how to plan the shower. then i would give my sister a day all for herself. she would sure welcome a day from thinking about the wedding, even if its for a couple hours. you can bond with her better alone where in a group of people eveyone will be vying for her attention.
Oh my goodness. Hopefully somebody….anybody on here can help me. I am a very young bride to be, I’m 21 years old, and my MOH is only 18. She’s still a poor college student, and she can’t afford to throw my bridal shower, which is fine with me. My other BM’s have agreed to take it on, but they’re dropping the ball. Don’t get me wrong,l I’m not complaining, a bridal shower is the last thing that I’m worried about.
Here’s the problem. My future mother in law absolutely detests me. She goes out of her way to make me uncomfortable, and does not acknowledge me when my fiance is not around. I’m marrying the son of the dragon lady.
Anyways, she called my fiance earlier this evening and informed him that she will be planning my bridal shower, without any consent from either of us. Any ideas on how to approach this? I don’t want to make the situation any worse than what it is at this point, but I don’t want to have to go through with a bridal shower being thrown by a person who doesn’t seem to care for me at all.
Duck,
you said she does not acknowlege you when your fh is not around. i would accept the offer only if it is coed. if he is present it will make it more comfortable. i would simply say that we wanted a coed shower the entire time, or if you have everything just thank her for her thoughtfulness but decline. if she insists have your fh to firmly but lovingly say coed. those are more fun anyway! this is something i would want to resolve asap. cause marriage will mean you spending time with his family now and in the future, while you cant make two people like each other you can definitley have your fh and you both sit down to find out why she doesnt like you. it could be she is having a difficult time letting her son go. sitting down could be the answer.
There is no reason why you can’t have two showers. Let your new mother in law host one party, and have another one with a few intimate friends. Be gracious and mature. This is, afterall, the mother of the man you are going to marry.