The Basics of Bridal Shower Etiquette
by Melanie Doetsch
While showers have evolved into something more relaxed in recent years, you should still know the basics of bridal shower etiquette to avoid a chance of offending anyone.
Since there will probably be disparate groups at the shower — friends, family and co-workers, usually — it's important to understand how everyone should interact. Especially in the case of family: mothers and grandmothers can place great weight on proper bridal shower etiquette, so make sure you know "the rules"!
The Maid of Honor's usually the person who plans and organizes the bridal shower. If she lives out of town, however, it's fine for someone else to do the honors.
Don't take over without checking with her, though. It's her privilege, and you should always ask her before assuming anything. If you're going to do it for her, make sure you keep her comfortably involved through frequent emails and phone calls.
Bridal shower etiquette traditionally says that a shower should take place at least four to six weeks before the wedding. This is just for practical reasons — the bride's going to be too busy any closer to the ceremony — but if she's coming home only two weeks before the wedding, talk to her and see how she feels about having a shower in her honor so close to the wedding. Chances are, she'll think that's fine if most of her friends can manage to come.
There's been an uncomfortable trend in recent years for large showers, where nearly everyone the bride knows gets an invite. This isn't quite what the bridal shower is supposed to be, though. At least by tradition, a bridal shower's meant to be a small, intimate gathering of the bride's closest friends and family. Proper etiquette dictates a group of no more than ten to twenty guests.
Who the guest list should include: the wedding party, the mothers of the bride and groom, sisters of the bride and groom, and the bride's closest friends and/or coworkers. Contrary to some recent practices, it probably shouldn't include every woman invited to the wedding.
Finally, bridal shower etiquette means making a special point of including the wedding party members ... and the mothers. Ask each of these people to take on some particular responsibility, whether it's recording a list of the givers as the gifts are opened, or running the party games. This will help everyone feel like a key part of this special day.
Are Evites appropriate or should we stick to the snail mail?
Jill,
If you are having a very low key;casual wedding then evites are fine but for more larger affairs I would stick with tradition. In addition, not everyone would check their email on time or at all, which is not good.
Jill,
oh yes! if the wedding is very “green” or earth friendly, then it would work well. But there are lots of “green” alternatives too, that could be sent postal.
My future mother-in-law and two sisters-in-law are throwing me and my fiance a couples shower…do I get them hostess gifts? And if so, what are some good ideas for gifts??
Dorothy,
Hostess gifts are nice and thoughtful. Candles or anything you know they love; bath products etc. are good gifts. Or even a gift certificate to a fave restaurant or a massage.
My daughter has moved her wedding up by 7 months because of an illness with the mother of the groom. The wedding is three weeks away. Is it too late to have a shower? Can we do something post wedding?
Peg,
It is not to late to have a shower, under the circumstances a post shower would be okay.
Are favors at a bridal shower normal?
Shelby,
They are optional.
What kind of shower can be given when the bride lives outside the US but is getting married in the US. Obviously we cannot buy / ship toasters and coffee pots .Is it proper to have a monetery gift shower only and How would one word the invitation?
Kathy,
* ideas
* bridal shower theme
Kathy,
Word of mouth is best when planning this type of shower. Monetary showers are rising but still frowned upon by some. So the key is to be subtle. There will be some guests that choose to buy a traditional gift. If so, then a number of stores will ship the gift to the brides address. Honeymoon bridal shower are nice too. ( google search honeymoon bridal shower) where the bride registers for things to do or massages etc. where they will honeymoon ( google honeymoon registry). Another thing the bride can do is register at stores where she lives and guests can buy gift certificates. It is wise to “fish” around to see what type of shower she was hoping for. If it is traditional then money shower may not work well. If you still plan to do a monetary shower then make it more of a wishing well shower…..
* <a href=”“>ideas
Also google wishing well bridal shower
Kathy,
* great advice here
I lvoe the envelope theme bridal shower. The rule is every gift has to fit inside a #10 envelope. ( make sure guests understand this) This shower would be fun.
*some envelope shower ideas here
* and here
I have been asked to purchase the cake for one of my many neices bridal showers… the cake is $35.00, do I still buy her a gift?
Sally,
Usually guests and hosts do. It is a matter of choice. If you did buy a gift I would keep it very budget friendly.
If a couple chooses to be married on the beach in Hawaii instead of a traditional church wedding, which may cause some hardships for the bride not having an immediate family to attend, is it still appropriate to have a bridal shower for her before the wedding? The couple will be having a reception party when they return, which would of course include those invited to the shower.
Pat,
Absolutely, Since there will be a reception then is is okay. They will get to celebrate with you.
My daughter decided to get married on the morning of her engagement party. Only immediate family was there. Afterwards, the couple went to the engagement party and announced that they were married. What is the proper ettiquette concerning a shower? Her witness wanted to give her a shower but doesn’t know if this would now be tacky.
Mary,
Becasue the engagement party become more “like” a surprise reception (if you will). Usually, noone should be invited to a shower that didn’t get invited to the wedding unless there is a post reception. However, this is a unique case, the engagement party had alot of the wedding guests anyway? If so, then I dont see any reason why not. I would only invite those engagement party guests to the shower/party. Unless noone really minds and jsut wants to honor the couple. You coudl also have a “housewarming party” instead of a shower. Good luck!!
What do you do if the bride lives overseas , she cannot transport shower gifts , so what kind of shower is proper to have a monetary one only
Kathy,
You coudl do this several different ways. A gift certificate shower or a shower in a box. Or a monetary shower would be okay in this situation.
* bridal shower in a box
* gift certificate or gift card shower
I have a comment about what to put for a bridal invitation when it asks “given by”…first of all, who cares and why is it to important? Why is it even on the invitation? I have a good response: given by: all those who love her!! how’s that? Or how about the Easter Bunny or Santa Claus?? Why not?? After all, who really cares..
Is it appropriate for the grandparents to be invited to the rehearsal dinner? They will be present at the rehearsal. The MOG is complaining about the number of people already invited to the dinner (30). This is a large wedding with maid of honor, 4 bridesmaids, two ring bearers and two flower girls, plus the appropriate number of male attendants.
Lisa,
If they are going to be a part of the ceremony then yes, if you just want to honor them by asking them to attend anyway. Would be very sweet.
Yes, it’s appropriate, particularly if they are going to be at the rehearsal. Ettiquette is about treating people with hospitality. With larger wedding parties come larger rehearsal dinners. When my son got married two years ago we hosted the rehearsal dinner.The guest list numbered 75! Wedding party and fiances/spouses, families of flower girls and ring bearer, those reading during the wedding, clergy and their “other half”, out of town family, grandparents….it was huge but lots of fun. If it’s a matter of finance you can offer to contribute the cost of the grandparents’ meals. Good luck!
The bridesmaids are giving a shower for the groom’s relatives and friends. The bride is very shy and has asked that her mother and the grandmothers of the bride be at this shower to give her moral support among people she will not know. They did not receive a formal invite from the bridesmaids (or the MOG). (A shower is also being given by the MOB for the bride’s close friends and small church family.) Is it appropriate for the bridesmaids to request that the MOB bring food to the groom’s relatives/friends shower?
Lisa M.,
If she is a guest and not part of the planning process then I wouldn’t. It should be agreed on by the hosts if it will be a potluck or not. If the MOB asks if she can do anything then just bring it up and she is game.
If the bride has two showers. Do I (matron of honor) bring gifts to both showers?
stacey,
Not unless you choose too. When attending multiple showers you do not have to bring a gift to each.
I am mailing invitations for a bridal shower. Do I mail an invitation to the other hostesses? Do I mail an invitation to the bride and mother of the bride?
Dee,
No the hostesses shouldnt get a invite because it is jointly being thrown by you all. If the mother of the bride is not a host then she should get a invite. The bride doesnt get a invitation but be sure to set aside a invite for the bride as a keepsake.
Is it proper for the MOB to give a gift at her daughter’s wedding shower?
Connie,
Yes it is proper.
Is it too tacky to send a shower invitation out with two different dates on, one before the holidays and one after the holidays, and have the guests chose which shower they would like to attend. This would also avoid one huge shower and also break up the cost as the mother’s would give one and the bridal party the other. Note: we cannot agree on one date some think it is too close to the wedding and as the bride is moving into the apartment 3 mo before the wedding, having the shower earlier would give her time to put things away as well as be able to use the gifts. Please help!
Donna,
Under very haste circumstances such as a overseas job etc. then it is okay to have a shower after the wedding but usually this is not done. In a multiple shower event the guests would not be given the choice which one to attend but the hosts would write the guests lists to each shower ( which a guest should not be invited to multiple showers unless it is the mothers etc. ) My suggestion is the mothers and the bridal party or who wants to be a host get together and plan a larger shower.*** The bride should NOT use the gifts until after the wedding so maybe this will free up some dates for 2 showers. The shower can be anywhere from a couple of months to a few days before the wedding.
If the wedding is Valentine’s weekend. When is a good time to host a shower? Take into mind the holidays and people not having money for both a shower and a wedding gift at the same time after the holidays.
Donna,
Usually the shower is a couple of months before the wedding. Under these circumstances and wanting to avoid the holidays, one could be planned as early as November. A shower does not need to be expensive to be nice. Sit down with the hosts and decide on a budget and stick to the budget. Orientaltrading.com has all kinds of decor. Have a cake, punch, appetizers. When more people chipping in it will be easier on the pocketbook. being crafty certainly helps on a budget.
Donna,
* for loads of great budget friendly ideas check this out.
* this is soooo pretty
If the mother of the bride is throwing the shower, should she check with the mother of the groom to make sure she is available on the date before invites go out. And what about all the brides maids availability?
Loriann,
Availability for the bridal party should be considered. Unless the MOG is cohosting then it is not mandatory but you could still find out if you wished, to make it easier for everyone to celebrate in honor of the couple!
Is it tacky to throw a bridal for someone who is not having a wedding? The couple will be getting married at the JOP.
Kaneisha,
* here ya go
Usually a shower is not thrown for a elopement or JOP wedding.
It would depend . . . if the couple has been living together for ten years, I’d have to say no. But if a young couple is getting married at the JOP to save money, or the couple is planning a VERY small wedding due to special circumstances (a decision to keep it small due to say, a family member’s severe illness or a recent death in the family) . . . then I think as long as it is intimate, I think it would be fine. A few years ago, my niece was dating a man who lived in another state. She went to visit him when he found out he was being shipped to the Middle East the next week. He purposed, she accepted, and they went to the JOP 2 days later.
My siser and I threw a shower for her the next year.
I didn’t think it was fair to deprive her of a shower just because her husband was serving his country.
is it proper ettiquette to invite someone to your bridal shower and not the wedding
Hi Michele,
No, it is not proper etiquette to invite someone to your bridal shower, and not the wedding.
michelle,
you should only invite someone who is also a wedding guest. the bride should provide you with a list of who she wants invited.
I’m the MOB and I am planning a shower for my daughter.
The MOGroom in another state has already had a shower for her future daughter in law w/all their side of the family. I was included in the shower but it was very inconvenient.
Since the MOG already showered the bride, do I still invite her to to our side of the family shower. Again, she lives on the entire other side of the state. Holidays are coming up and the wedding is just around the corner.
Kathleen,
usually the mothers are included out of thoughtfulness. Even if she couldnt make it-she would still be included on the guest list.
I am the maid of honor. All of the other bridesmaids rside out of town. I am hosting a bridal shower and bachelorette party on my own, no help. Do I have to give the bride a gift for the shower and bachelorette parties if I’m hosting them? HELP!
Ann,
I would just look into my heart on this one. You have alot on your plate and i am hoping hte expenses are being split with the bridal party-it should be. Some choose to pitchin on one gift, I have known several hosts that let the shower be the gift to the bride while the guests brought the gifts.
* scroll down to last question
If you are throwing the shower and paying on your own , I am sure the bride will understand if you don’t buy a gift. You could at a later date , give her a small gift that represents your relationship and will be between the two of you. (ie: a journal, photo frame, etc)
Hi Ann,
I don’t think that you should be expected to foot the expense for a bridal shower and a bachelorette party! The other members of the bridal party can still help, start delegating duties to each member, i.e., one of the ladies can purchase favors online from Favorideas, (or where ever they chose) and have then delivered to you. Invitations can be handled the same way. The duties, in my opinion, should be divided
between all. Good luck!
My sister is getting married next year. The wedding will be kept small, immediate family and a few friends. Several of our aunts and most of our cousins will not be invited to the wedding. Should they be invited to the shower?
Chris,
Guests not invited to the wedding shoudln’t be invited to the shower. If you have a post reception and invite other family and friends then it will be okay.
Only women on the wedding list should be invited to the shower. It is not proper etiqutte to invite a person if they are not going to the wedding. I would think that if they are not invited to the wedding I am sure they will understand if they are not invited to the shower.
Yes, but only women on the wedding list who are close to the bride should be invited. I was invited to a bridal shower- out of state – and I do NOT know the bride nor do I know the groom. I have never met either one. The groom is my inlaw’s neighbor’s son. I have met the neighbors only two or three times. WHY ON EARTH are we invited even to the wedding, and there is no reason why I should have been invited to the shower. And my MIL demanded that I contribute to a group gift and was upset when I told her that I was not going to the shower. Isn’t this the craziest thing you’ve ever heard???
I’m the MOB and am helping to plan my daughters bridal shower with my Mom and sister. We will be playing a couple of games and will be having prizes for the games, do we also need to give favor / gift bags for the guests attending the shower?
Thanks.
Terri,
You can give favors if you choose but it is not necessary. Since there will be prizes etc. It would be okay to skip them.
I’m hosting a bridal shower for a family member who now lives across the country. Is it inappropriate to asks guests to ship their gifts to her house, instead of bringing them to the actual shower? If not, how do you ask them?
Adriana,
* look at this
* and this
* the knot
Adriana,
I would look into a gift card or certificate shower.
* ideas
Hello! I am a matron of honor in a wedding and am currently trying to plan the wedding shower. The bride didn’t want one to begin with, but I think she deserves one. The wedding is February 5, 2010 and she said if she had one she would want it to be in November. Isn’t that too early? She thinks it would be rude because of the holidays and her daughters 1 year birthday is in December as well. HELP! I think November is too early, and I am having evassive surgery on my foot on September 30 and will be in a cast and on crutches for 6 to 8 weeks! What should I do?!!!
Cassie,
You should plan the shower according to when you can. Showers are usually held at least 8 weeks before the wedding. Since the wedding falls on the first week of Feb., you could get by with November. It is true the holidays can cause a struggle and I completely understand not wanting to plan a shower after having surgery( which I wish you a speedy recovery with your surgery). With the situations you may want to look at December. That looks like an ideal month.
Hi. I have a question. I received a invitation to my cousin’s daughter’s bridal shower. The shower is out of town so I probably won’t attend. The thing is, I didn’t invite my cousin to my daughter’s shower because I knew that she wouldn’t be able to attend. I didn’t want her to feel obligated to send a gift since she was coming to the wedding and would be bring a gift then. My question is this: If I receive a shower invitation am I obliged to send a gift even though I am not attending? I will be attending the wedding and will bring a gift then. Thank you for your help.
No, you do not have to send a gift. A nice letter stating that you can not attend, warm wishes for the couple, and that you are looking forward to attending the wedding is enough.
I want to know that if you are a winner at the shower game and get a nice prize if you should leave it for the bride. I know that many years ago that is what I saw done. Thanks for you help.
Cathy,
Anything you won should have gone home with you. Of course, if you wanted the bride to have it, then that is okay too.
Brides,
Here is a new shower board for the holidays!
Every Lady at my church yesterday, was invited to a bridal shower Sept.26. 2 weeks notice. We found out the wedding is Oct 16, instead of next June as we thought. We haven`t received invites to wedding. We were then asked to provide sandwiches, a meat/cheese deli tray, roses for the tables, tableclothes, and beverages, etc.. When one lady protested, we were told that the 2 ladies throwing it were providing the cake and decorations, like we had any nerve to say anything. Am I wrong to feel this is very inappropiate ?
Dorothy,
Not at all. This is not proper. It is not a demand a potluck or hosting any event it is a choice agreed on. Noone should be made to host a shower. Usually church ladies do throw someone in the church a shower but not out of obligation and whether they are on the wedding list or not. For wedding invites it is not “necessary” to have church members on the guest list that is up to the couple. It can be okay either way. BUT if someone else is hosting the shower like- the bridal party-then inviting the church guests to the shower and not the wedding is highly improper. Hope this helps!
I think it is completely inappropriate to “invite” someone to a shower, and then expect them to bring a gift and food, and all with just 2 weeks notice. You weren’t invited, you were recruited. Just politely inform them that you already have plans and will be unable to attend.
My niece is getting married soon and her shower is next weekend.
She is requesting guests ‘do not wrap presents’ (going green?). This is the second shower I have been to where that has been requested. Problem is, there is going to be about 50 people and gifts will be placed on a table unwrapped. She said she is not going to go thru 50 presents to acknowedge each guest’s gift and thata is another reason she requested ‘no wrapping. I have told her that she has to acknowledge the gifts and cards from her guests and ‘thank’ each one. What is etiquette?
Peggy,
Going thru the cards ( do not mention monetary gifts-that should be discreet)while picking up the gift would be nice. Some guests may choose to wrap their gifts though! 
Having a display table ready for the arriving gifts would be super.
Thanking each guests would be very thoughtful. One point of the shower to welcome and thank them for coming and a gift.
I’ve previously only been to personal bridal showers, where I have gifted the bride with lingerie. The bridal shower i’m going to now is co-ed and I will probably get the couple something from the registry. My question is… is a bridal shower gift different from a wedding gift? Do I give two gifts? One giant one? Help!
Mandie,
Wedding gifts and shower gifts are different. It is a matter of perference. Some choose to give one and some buy for both events. Where I am from the shower is where most of the registry or traditional presents come in and the wedding is where the couple is gifted with cash for the honeymoon ( discreetly), by some guests( although any form of gift giving is optional). Most guests look at their budget to see what they can afford to do.