The Basics of Bridal Shower Etiquette
by Melanie Doetsch
While showers have evolved into something more relaxed in recent years, you should still know the basics of bridal shower etiquette to avoid a chance of offending anyone.
Since there will probably be disparate groups at the shower — friends, family and co-workers, usually — it's important to understand how everyone should interact. Especially in the case of family: mothers and grandmothers can place great weight on proper bridal shower etiquette, so make sure you know "the rules"!
The Maid of Honor's usually the person who plans and organizes the bridal shower. If she lives out of town, however, it's fine for someone else to do the honors.
Don't take over without checking with her, though. It's her privilege, and you should always ask her before assuming anything. If you're going to do it for her, make sure you keep her comfortably involved through frequent emails and phone calls.
Bridal shower etiquette traditionally says that a shower should take place at least four to six weeks before the wedding. This is just for practical reasons — the bride's going to be too busy any closer to the ceremony — but if she's coming home only two weeks before the wedding, talk to her and see how she feels about having a shower in her honor so close to the wedding. Chances are, she'll think that's fine if most of her friends can manage to come.
There's been an uncomfortable trend in recent years for large showers, where nearly everyone the bride knows gets an invite. This isn't quite what the bridal shower is supposed to be, though. At least by tradition, a bridal shower's meant to be a small, intimate gathering of the bride's closest friends and family. Proper etiquette dictates a group of no more than ten to twenty guests.
Who the guest list should include: the wedding party, the mothers of the bride and groom, sisters of the bride and groom, and the bride's closest friends and/or coworkers. Contrary to some recent practices, it probably shouldn't include every woman invited to the wedding.
Finally, bridal shower etiquette means making a special point of including the wedding party members ... and the mothers. Ask each of these people to take on some particular responsibility, whether it's recording a list of the givers as the gifts are opened, or running the party games. This will help everyone feel like a key part of this special day.
If the groom’s family is throwing a bridal shower, and the two Mother’s have discussed the shower in advance, should the brides mother have to be sent a written invitation?
Kay,
Yes, she should be sent an invitation unless she is involved the planning,even then, it might be nice to give her one as a keepsake.
my friend is getting married for the second time is it okay to throw her a shower ?
Deb,
Absolutely!! Happy Planning!!
I’m having a bit of a difficult time with my wedding invite list, my fiance and I have about 200 people we are wanting to invite, however, my mother-in-law to be wants to invite a bunch of people of her own she was guessing around 75-100. Problem is my fiance and I are paying for our own wedding and are not rich. I am a full time college student and he works. We definately can’t afford an extra 100 guests. What do we say to his mother?
Lindsey,
Since you are the hosts you get to control the guest list. Just explain to her that you appreciate her wanting to inquire about adding guests to the list, you both have predecided that 200 guests was the limit and it is the ideal size to meet your dreams and financially it doesn’t make since to either of you. If she offers to pay for all the extra guests and there is room, then that would be up to you both to decide. However, it is not proper to impose extra finances on the hosts with any wedding. She must pay for these guests, if you should decide to add them. make sure you get payment up front so you can give it to your caterer and a head count. To many times, even with family members, hosts add guests on a act of good faith and then the hosts have to pay the bill in the end. You will want to avoid this type of issue and future problems.
our list is about 250, and thats mainly our close family friends and family. my fiances dad wanted to invite a bunch more people, but its comes to a point where you have to say no. just tell them its kind of weird to invite a bunch of people you have never met and your fiance hasnt seen in years (assuming he feels the same as u)… thats what we did and it def helped. also, whats the capacity of your venue? that may help keep your list down =]
I have a slight dilemma.
My mother has offered to host the bridal shower for my good friend. She offered because none of her brides maids have anywhere close to the amount of room to be able to host it, and because we wanted to do something for the bride as I am not in the bridal party. We also offered to host because what is traditional to us is the mother, mother-in-law or friend of the bride to host the shower and did not want her mother to have to plan it in the midst of her daughters wedding.
However the brides maids have sort of taken over the planning (as in they have set up meetings to discuss it without thinking to include my mother or myself, while still planning on having it at our home. I do not think they realize that we have offered to HOST the party and not just be the venue. Would it be imprudent to mention this to them? I do want them to still be involved! Any thoughts?
Thank you!
Bridal Party Woes,
You should mention it to them, especially with the shower taking place in your home. You should all sit down and discuss planning and decide on who will do what tasks. It would be rude for them to decide it will take place in your home and take over all the planning. You need to set up a meeting with them and say you have started the ball rolling on the shower and think that with all of your ideas it would make it easier financially and a great event!
My daughter is getting married and is having a destination wedding. Her MOH is from out of town, therefore she wanted to host a bridal at my daughters house (the bride), is this ok?
Also what is appropriate for the mom having a shower in the town her daughter grew up in? Should someone else throw it?
Mom,
The shower at the daughters home would be fine as long as the bride agrees. Today, just about anyone can host a shower, it is becoming the norm for mothers and other family to bridal party and friends. If someone else has offered to host a shower in her hometown, then why not team up and plan the shower! Would be fun! just make sure anyone invited to the shower will be invited to the destination wedding or at least a post reception where guests will be invited. It is improper to do otherwise.
the wedding is small and we need to know if we can invite guest to the shower that are not invited to the wedding?
If you invite guests to the shower who are not invited to the wedding it may be viewed by them as just a grab for shower gifts.
I am the MoH for my sister’s wedding in April. I am in process of planning her bridal shower and was wondering about shower favors. Have these become somewhat “not expected” at showers any more? I’ve tried looking up etiquette on this and can’t seem to find anything on it.
Thanks for any and all advice!
Michelle,
Bridal shower favors are not necessary. All the showers I have attended, only games with prizes( which guests keep).
* tips
Hi Michelle,
Bridal shower favors can be omitted if expenses are too high. That said, there are some darling shower favors that you can make, i.e., individual cookies in the shape of something matching your theme, (if you have a theme) candles, etc. If time is a factor, you can purchase some darling favors on this site. I bought little compacts from Favor Ideas that were inexpensive and lovely. I believe that Favor Ideas sells bridal cookie cutters also. Whether or not you have favors depends upon your budget and how many people are invited. Also, if you are planning on having a few games, you’ll need prizes for the winner(s), which might influence your decision to give out favors. Have fun!
Im 1 of 10 bridesmaids in a wedding and was just told by the MOH that it will be about $100 for the shower and gift as well as another $100 for the Bachlorette party. My husband is the Best man and both my children are in the wedding. This is getting pretty expensive pretty quick. What is the eiquette on how the shower should be paid for? A number of us expressed concerns about the cost and were ignored. They are expecting around 65 people, needless to say this is going to be a long one. Any help would be great!
Chrissy,
First the bridal party/hosts should have set down and discussed the budget and planning. Then the costs can be divided. It is rude to ask someone for money for a shower that a budget was never agreed upon. The Moh can ask you to assist but that is it. being in a bridal party should not break the break( even though it is expensive somtimes) the bridal party still have options if they want to cohost( showers are not mandatory).
* here is what a top wedding expert answered for another wedding
Chrissy,
I forgot to mention a key thing. The hosts must also discuss the number of guests they can afford, because they are paying for the shower, they get to pair it down the guest list if they must. 65 guests is alot of people. Lauren is right it should be more intimate and personal.
thank you for your comment. after many emails back and forth with the MOH and a phone call it looks like this bridezilla will get her way. frustrating to say the least. if it weren’t my brother in law getting married i would back out of this whole thing. it makes me look at his fiance in a completely different light. i think people get too focused on the whole idea of a wedding. who cares what kind of limo you got or how fancy the centerpieces are. my husband and i had a very scaled down wedding and that was the way i wanted it. no frills, no fuss. all i wanted was to get married- to him. all the rest was a bonus :)
Hi Chrissy,
I think that people lose sight of how much money it costs to be a member of the bridal party, i.e., cost of gown, shoes, having hair, nails, make-up done, (if applicable) and in your case, the cost of getting the dress or suit for your children who are in the wedding. The shower itself should be the bride’s gift, and frankly, why the necessity for the bachelorette party, I don’t see the point! Showers are supposed to be intimate, close friend and family, 65 is ridiculous. Since others are expressing concern, talk to the MOH! Good Luck!
My family is having a lot of trouble deciding what to do about the guest list for the reception. My mom thinks that she should be able to invite whoever because, well they’re paying for it. However, my fiance’s mother wants to invite the same number. Can we tell his family to invite less? HELP!!!
Danielle,
* here are some tips thay may help
Danielle,
I would talk to my parents and tell them this is not how you envisioned your wedding, if it is becoming to large. If the grooms parents want more guests then i feel,they should help out with expenses.
* check this out
* and this
Danielle,
* last tip
Hi Danielle,
You and your fiance need to sit down with both your parents and discuss this issue. The bride and groom should have a say in who to invite also! If his parent’s want to invite the same number of people your mother and father do, they should really split the cost of the wedding. Depending upon your choice of venue, feeding the guests could be the most expensive aspect of the wedding, and the his parent’s should be aware of the price per plate for each person invited. Of course you can tell his family to invite less people, but would you object to them doing so if they paid for half the wedding? It’s really up to you and your husband to be. Good luck!
Lauren,
Thanks for the help! I don’t think they can help pay for the extra cost and that’s part of the problem. Grr…so frustrated. We’re asking that they invite 90 instead of 100. I dont’ think that’s unreasonable.
Hi Danielle,
No, it is not unreasonable at all! Danielle, is it possible that his folks don’t know how much, per person, all these extra people will cost your mother and father? Perhaps asking both sets of parents to keep the list to immediate family and your list only! Some venues have on staff wedding planners who might be able to help in this situation, especially if your having a sit down dinner. Just ask for an appointment with her or him, and make sure both sets of parents are present.
I think the bride and groom should have more than just a partial say, this is your day! Costs will keep popping up where you least expect them, put your foot down now before the situation gets out of hand. Best of luck to you! Everything will be fine!
My daughter is getting married, and the bridal party just asked me if I was having a shower for her……so I scrambled all around to get a shower together because my daughter deserves the best. She has never asked for anything while growing up. She was always there for all of her friends and now I feel as though they are not there for her. Now one just asked me what the theme was??????? What????? Honestly, I have not been to a shower in many years, so I have no idea what to do. Please give me some suggestions. I do not want my daughter to feel as though no one cared enough to make it perfect, not that she would, but I want her to be so proud of her father and I since we are the only two who are doing everything. I have the restaurant, the cupcakes instead of cake……what else do I need?
Lost Mom
mom,
* some planning tips
Some bridal showers have themes and some do not, they are not necessary. Nowadays themes have become popular and a easier way to plan. You could go with something as simple as two hearts on the invites or other paper goods, to adding heart floral stems in the centerpieces. I am not fully understanding why all the planning and details are left only up to you and the father. The bridal party should want to pitch in and help. I would ask them if they would like to be involved in the planning, it could be they were asking if you were, so they would kniw if they needed too. If anyone asks about the theme just say intimate restaurant or traditional bridal shower-meaning like they have always been. For themes it coudl be anything she loves, or honeymoon themed, etc.
* this site has loads of great shower ideas
I absolutely LOVE the photo posted. It is simple with picture frames of her with her fiance. you could even add friends and family pics too. If it were me I would go this route. Just make it sentimental. It would keep your planning to a minimum.
Thank you……my husand and I are doing the best we can and you know what….I am not worrying about a theme. The theme is intimate restaurant, the setting is as beautiful as my daughter and what we know she would love. Don’t know why I have to listen to people as if we are not doing enough. It will be perfect…thanks for the pics, that too is a great idea. I have the digital one for the reception, I can just take it to the shower too.
No longer Lost Mom!
Mom,
You are so welcome! I wish you happy planning!!
Hi Lost Mom,
In my humble opinion, it is the responsibility of the MOH and the bridal party to throw the bride a shower, and I don’t think themes are necessary. I know there are different types of showers, i.e., lingerie showers, things for the kitchen showers, things for the home, gift card showers, etc. I really depends upon what the couple may need.
If the bridal party isn’t willing to help, I wouldn’t be too concerned about suggestions they might have. If you do end up doing the shower by yourself, keep it simple. Best of luck!
Hi Lauren,
Thanks for your help! The MOH and MatronOH are both from another state, so I guess they feel as though it was not their responsibility to give the shower and just assumed that I would. I am quite happy now that I will be the one giving the shower, at least I know it will be beautiful for my daughter who is so derserving of her day. I just realized thanks to Stacey, that I do not have to have a theme…I think I was just trying to do so much that I forgot the real theme……for my daughter to be sharing this wonderful moment with family and friends. It will be perfect, my husband and I will make it perfect. She will be our main focus, not everything else.
Thanks for your help.
Mom
Hi Mom,
They thought wrong, and that’s very unfortunate. When accepting the role of MOH or BM, they should think before responding. Clearly, planning the bridal shower is something they should be doing, and paying for it as well. It sounds like you have planned a beautiful shower for your daughter, and this way, you don’t have to hear everyone’s opinions, lol!! Hope everything goes well, you’ve done a wonderful job Mom!
My sister is getting married. She and her fiancé have decided to not have attendants at their wedding. My sister has asked me to help her sign people in for the guest book, bustle her train, and keep her calm; I told her I would do what she asks me to do. Am I obligated to throw her a shower, a bachelorette party, etc? My mother told me I have to throw her parties. What do I do?
Vanessa,
Not at all. You are only “helping” your sister during her big day instead of assuming standard MOH responsibilites which normally include hosting a shower. A shower or prewedding event should never be an obligation or pressure, since they are optional. You can host one if you wish but it is not required and anyone can host a shower nowadays.
I am the MOH and the bride’s aunt’s and mom are throwing her a shower. They require me and the BM’s to attend theirs and at first I told the bride perhaps we should have 2. Well with costs, planning etc we thought perhaps the two should be combined. When I posed the situation to the aunt she just wants close friends and family. Should we stick with one and just help the aunt with $, decorations, etc. or do seperate? Also, do we (MOH & BM’s) have to bring a gift to both?
Hi Christine,
This way the entire bridal party and family can chip in and help cut costs.
I think it gets so ridiculous these days with bridal showers, it seems many are missing
the entire point of having a bridal shower…to unite families of the bride and the
groom. Keeping expenses down is so important as many unexpected costs will come
up as the wedding date becomes closer. Does the bride expect a bachelorette party,
will their be an engagement dinner, a rehearsal dinner, and don’t forget the bachelor
party! Why not combine all and have a Jack and Jill party.
Christine,
You are not required to bring a gift to more than one shower. Usually in a shower, it is customary to for the guest list to consist of the brides closest friends and family. If you help out with any costs your names should be on the shower invites as cohosts. I would sit down with my the bridal party and decide which is the best route. Since the shower is gonna have the “traditional” guest list covered, then there may not be a reason to have a second shower. What I would do with just the bridal party-is pitch in and take her to a lunch and manis/pedis. It is a wonderful way to destress with all the planning.
My son is getting married in May out of town where his finance is from that is 7 hrs away from our home…some of my friends want to give them a shower at the church that he grew up in from the time he was an infant…would it be approproiate to invite people to the shower that will not be sent a wedding invitation because of the distance of the wedding?
Theresa,
Guests not invited to the wedding should not be invited to the shower. The exceptions are a church shower( usually the church hosts and the church women are on the guest list with the bride, mothers, bridal party, grandmothers) Anyone outside of the church, usually does not attend. Same exception with co- workers showers, they are the staff ladies honoring the bride.
So, is it ok for a bride to encourage the planning of a bridal shower? For example, my bridesmaids are just intending on throwing me a bachelorette party. However, I would like a shower to invite friends, mothers, grandparents, etc to because obviously they would not attend my bachelorette party
Is it rude for me to ask my bridesmaids to throw a shower for me, too?
Erica22,
Noone should feel obligated or ‘pressured’ to host a shower, as bridal showers are a optional event, nor should the bride be involved in any planning of a bridal shower except for providing the guest list. I hope this helps. 
Unfortunately, the bride never should ask a shower be given for her.
Hi,
I am trying to come up with cool ideas for my future sister-in-law’s shower. Is it rude to ask guests to pay their own way, for instance, if we were to have a spa day?
Thanks
Erin,
Usually this is the way it is done for the services only. For food and drinks if not included should be arranged and paid for by the hosts.
*tips
* more tips
Erin,
Another idea is have an at home spa theme bridal shower. Is there anyone that could come in and do facials, pedis, manis? Even find someone and have each guests “color”season done. Everybody would love to find out the right clothing and makeup colors for their skintone. Think color me beautiful, etc.
* color me beautiful results
Hi, Is it proper for the shower to be written: given by the Bride’s parents on the invitation?
Thank you.
Mom,
If you the parents are the hosts then yes or it could be listed as(Given By: Family) If there are others pitching in dollars or helping with alot of the planning then they should also be listed as hosts.
My daughter (maid of honor) is throwing my other daughter (bride)a shower. She would like to invite some of my daughter’s co workers to the shower, but these girls aren’t invited to the wedding. We thought this would be a nice way to include them. what do you think?
I am hosting a bridal shower for my little sister, and I was wondering what the etiquette is for names on shower invites and monograms for decorations. Do I use her maiden name or her married name?
Thanks!
My mother is hosting a bridal shower for me next week in my hometown, because it is the place where *most* of my closest friends and family could make it (I now live on the opposite side of the country). Some of my friends couldn’t make it and have sent gifts to my parents’ house; some of the other guests who can make it decided to send gifts straight to my place, so I wouldn’t have to deal with bringing them across the country with me. My question is: (1) should I open up gifts from absent guests at the shower, in front of everybody — or is that tacky? (2) How do I best acknowledge the guests who have already sent me beautiful gifts straight to my house?
Mia,
I would only open the gifts of those who are present. All others should be opened after the wedding. Make sure noone brings those gifts,sent to the parents house, to the shower. If they are accidentally brought and placed among the other gifts then it will be okay. In this case: Simply say who it is from is all that is needed. Sometimes a guest who cant attend will send a gift through another guest, that will also be an exception.( again simply stating who sent it is all that is needed). Any cash gifts should be discreet and never announced to other guests. Just quietly thank the person who gifted a cash gift. Acknowledgment for all guests attending and/or sending gifts should be done thru thank you cards within 1-2 weeks after the shower.
Is it appropriate as the sister of the bride to give the shower?
Jen,
Nowadays anyone can host a shower. Happy Planning!!
Help! I have been invited to my girlfriend’s son’s wedding (I hardly know him and have met the bride-to-be for one brief moment). I am unable to attend the shower due to a business trip commitment. Of course I plan to bring a gift to the weddinig, but am I expected to provide a gift for the shower as well?
p.s. There’s a ton of great info on this site! You really are an expert!
Canadian Gal,
Most do bring gifts to both the wedding and shower. I have seen some guests just bring a gift to the shower only, since that is the preparty to “shower the bride with gifts”. If you are not attending the shower then a gift is not necessary, just concentrate on the wedding gift. Hoping this helps and thank you!
So I’m the matron of honor for my sister’s wedding and I wanted to plan a surprise shower for her. I asked the fiance how many girl friends of theirs are being invited because I had already asked the mom’s about the family, and he gives me a total of 86 people. I assume this is every girl invited to the wedding but is it rude to request a list of just those closest to him/her as far as his side goes as 86 seems HUGE to me for a shower and to be honest I cannot afford something that large.
Layla,
Bridal shower guests SHOULD be those closest to the bride, mothers, grandmothers, sisters, bridal party. Don’t feel obligated to invite every female guest to the shower, it is not required. Since you are the host you get to decide the guest list size. If there are long distance relative or close friend it is a nice gesture to invite them, even if they can’t attend.
My closest friend is getting married in March. She has just announced her engagement and she has decided to have a private wedding that is basically an elopement except she is inviting her parents and the groom’s parents. Because no one is being invited to a ceremony and there are no plans to have a reception at any later time, it is even appropriate to have a shower or should I just plan a bachelorette party where people can bring gifts if they want to? It is unclear whether she is even planning to register anywhere… Help!
Veronica,
* here is how others have done
Etiquette states that elopements usually dont have showers. But if someone wants to anyway, then let the bride enjoy! it would be great to add a little more planning and turn it into a close family/friends reception. Something simple. Wedding etiquette states: guests at the shower should be invited to the wedding. A post reception is exceptable too.
But more and more families and couples are changing the rules to apply to their situation. The bride probably didnt register because she was eloping and may have known about the etiquette. Not sure.
My son is getting married in May 2011 and we have a large family. Although the couple wants to keep things small, family is family. Is it appropriate for me (or my daughter, who MAY be a groom’s attendant) to host a bridal shower (pantry pounding) for family, inviting the MOH and the women of the bride’s family as well. The idea is that the MOH is quite young and this would help reduce the number of attendees (the whole groom’s family) at the general/generic shower by the MOH. (The MOH is quite young and has limited financial resources for hosting a large shower.) I am concerned also that this may make the general shower too small. Of course I would consult the MOH. Would I also need to consult the bride? If family came to a “family” shower, is it ok NOT to invite them to the “general” shower?
Mel,
I see nothing wrong with your idea. I would consult the MOH and whoever is hosting the shower. I suggest more hosts to pull off the shower, yes equaling more help and financial resources. Very thoughtful, if everyone agrees.
Hello my question is whether or not to send out shower invitations to those that we know can not attend the shower. My daughter and her moh seem to think they are saying ” we know that you would be here if you could and by inviting you we are making you a part of the shower” To me this is very crazy thinking and asking for a gift to be sent as a reply. I have always thought that it was for close family and friends etc. not the out of towners. Please answer this for me…………..thanks cf1248@aol.com
Chris,
* article
Chris,
above link scroll down to: Who gets invited to a shower.It has general advice.
My boyfriend’s daughter is getting married and he is paying for the entire bridal shower. His wife passed away. I am honored to be planning the venue and the theme. i have included the MOH and bridesmaids. what should the invite say regarding whom is giving the shower? thanks so much
notastepmom,
On the hosted by line, just put the names of those chipping in financially or labor wise. Since he is paying then list his name( out of honor or you could ask to see if he wants his name listed before its printed-he may just want to stay behind the scenes) along with yours( since you are helping plan), and the others that are helping out. She is a very lucky bride!!
**Oh yes! you can also just put given by Family and friends to keep it simple. I would find out what the bride and father wishes to do for the wording
My son is getting married early next spring. The bride’s family live in the Midwest and are giving her a huge shower (100 guests) on Thanksgiving weekend. I am invited, but cannot make the trip. The groom’s family is giving a much smaller shower after Christmas, which I will attend. Do I send a gift to the first shower, even though I’m helping to give the second shower? What is appropriate?
Olivia,
Just bring a gift to the shower you attend. That is appropriate.
Is it appropriate for the bride, at her shower to receive one of the table centerpieces to take home? The centerpieces are going to be “raffled” off. Thank you! Cindy
Cindy, you can most certainly give her a shower centerpiece, just set it aside and exclude it from the raffling. Raffling is for the guests only.
Thanks so much, Stacey!
I am having an extended engagement because my fiancee and I are in college. I am graduating in May and expecting to move to different state. My wedding will be 1 year a way in June. Would it be too soon to have the bridal shower in May. The only time I will be back is the Wednesday before the wedding so if I wait until then the shower would be on a weekday. What is the best answer over a year before the wedding or the day before?
September,
The shower should be within 6 weeks of the wedding date, it shouldn’t be held,even under special circumstances, more than 3 to 4 months ahead of the wedding. I hope I am understanding your question right. If your wedding date is June 2011, and was wondering about a shower in May 2011, then that is perfect.
When are gifts opened at the bridal shower-before or after the meal?
mary,
* shower tips/schedule