The Basics of Bridal Shower Etiquette
by Melanie Doetsch
While showers have evolved into something more relaxed in recent years, you should still know the basics of bridal shower etiquette to avoid a chance of offending anyone.
Since there will probably be disparate groups at the shower — friends, family and co-workers, usually — it's important to understand how everyone should interact. Especially in the case of family: mothers and grandmothers can place great weight on proper bridal shower etiquette, so make sure you know "the rules"!
The Maid of Honor's usually the person who plans and organizes the bridal shower. If she lives out of town, however, it's fine for someone else to do the honors.
Don't take over without checking with her, though. It's her privilege, and you should always ask her before assuming anything. If you're going to do it for her, make sure you keep her comfortably involved through frequent emails and phone calls.
Bridal shower etiquette traditionally says that a shower should take place at least four to six weeks before the wedding. This is just for practical reasons — the bride's going to be too busy any closer to the ceremony — but if she's coming home only two weeks before the wedding, talk to her and see how she feels about having a shower in her honor so close to the wedding. Chances are, she'll think that's fine if most of her friends can manage to come.
There's been an uncomfortable trend in recent years for large showers, where nearly everyone the bride knows gets an invite. This isn't quite what the bridal shower is supposed to be, though. At least by tradition, a bridal shower's meant to be a small, intimate gathering of the bride's closest friends and family. Proper etiquette dictates a group of no more than ten to twenty guests.
Who the guest list should include: the wedding party, the mothers of the bride and groom, sisters of the bride and groom, and the bride's closest friends and/or coworkers. Contrary to some recent practices, it probably shouldn't include every woman invited to the wedding.
Finally, bridal shower etiquette means making a special point of including the wedding party members ... and the mothers. Ask each of these people to take on some particular responsibility, whether it's recording a list of the givers as the gifts are opened, or running the party games. This will help everyone feel like a key part of this special day.
My step-son is getting married next year. Unfortunately, there are hard feelings and no communication between his Mother and Father. I am also very uncomfortable with his Mother in Social situations. It looks like the BTB will have at least 3 bridal showers – one by her family, one by my husband’s family, and one by step-son’s Mother’s family. Who should be invited to each? And if I am invited to more than one, is it ok for me to only attend my husband’s family shower? Also, I am out of town.
StepmomA,
You have the option to attend just one shower or multiple showers. The same guests should not be invited to all showers except for bridal party, mothers,grandmothers, siblings, also who have the option of attending just one shower. Gift buying when invited to multiple showers is also the same, one gift is sufficient for the bride, instead buying gifts per shower.
I was asked by a non-family member to help give a niece a wedding brunch. The person stated she was give my name by the mother of the bride(MOTB). I was totally caught off guard, since the MOTB didn’t fore warn me. I had already attended a shower for the bride to be. I was told this would be a catered affair, with a rented venue and engraved invitations. I ended up declining because I didn’t have the extra money to allow me to do this. When I asked the MOTB about it she said she assumed I would want to participate since it was a tradition for the Aunts of a bride to have a brunch the day of the wedding for the bride and her bridesmaids. Is this true? I haven’t ever heard of this tradition. I felt very embarrassed by the whole situation.
Vbelle,
This may be a personal tradition developed by the family through the years but it is improper etiquette to ask someone to host a event and especially if they are unaware of the family custom. It would have been best for a family member to sit down and discuss the details etc. However, everyone has the choice to host or decline to host any prewedding or post wedding event since they are all optional.
You are in the right, I have never heard of this tradition either.
HI,
I am a bridesmaid and was not included in planning or choosing of date. And i already have plans for the weekend that was picked. Now what do i do? plz help!
That same thing happened to me except I let the MOH know that only that one specific date was not okay. I would say talk to the MOH about this. I had a bridesmaid that could not make it to my shower because of distance and I was fine with it. If you get a problem, I would simply state that you feel that all the girls should have been included in picking the date. If you were a part of it and they still wanted that date it could have been made known then, I am fine with that date if that is what everyone else wants, but I cannot make it. They did not give you that opportunity and it cannot be held against you, Well should not. Before addressing this, i would decide what my plans were and are they just as important, or is it somethign that can be rescheduled. If not, address this with the MOH and let her know you will completely be a part of planning up to that weekend. Alos, I would write in the brides card somethign liek I wish i could be there but (my cousins wedding) or whatever the even twas fell on the same day. How long ago was the date decided? Were invites sent out? Is it possible to switch the date?
Mel,
Usually the bridesmaids attend the shower,regardless of planning but to be there in honor and support of the bride. If you cannot cancel your plans, I would tell the bride but if you can reschedule so you can be a part of her day.
I am invited to a luncheon for the bride and her attendants… I am grandmother of the groom and want to know : should take another gift. I took a gift to the shower and we plan to give a money gift to at the wedding???
Nancy,
A bridal luncheon is usually where the bride gives the gifts to the bridal party, so guests should not bring gifts to this function. If it is a luncheon/shower, then you are not required to bring another gift. When invited to multiple showers only one gift is necessary.
Hi all
I have a dilemna and was wondering if you ladies out there would be able to offer me any advice.brother is getting married at the end of September and his fiance has already had her bridal shower but I was not invited, I am his only sister and the bride to be is an only child, I feel really upset and slighted by this but don’t know what to do about it, it has upset me so much, they come to me for Christmas every year and although she is not my best friend I thought that we got along fine so I am very upset by this any comments on how I handle this would be welcome.
Thank you ladies
Hi,
Akthoughg you may be hurt, you need to see exactly how the shower was organized. It is wierd that you had been forgotten, but it may be at the fault of her family and not her. Was your mother in law invited? Have you spoken to her and/or your husband about this issue? I would be confused if I were you as well, but i would address this issue carefully because you do have a future with this girl as well as your husbands family. She might not be aware that you were not invited and may think you chose not to come or maybe the invitation got lost in the mail. There are a number of things that could be at fault so I would not jump to any assumptions. I have known of bridal shower that have been thrown without the bride even giving a list. I would simply talk to the bride to be and explain to her that you do not know if there was a mix up with invitations but you were not invited to her shower and were a little hurt. I would say that you are not sure if it was a mistake or a missing invitation that led to this, but you want her to know that not being there was not because you did not want to be there. I would also just share that you just want to make sure that she knows that you would have loved to go and share her day with her so that she knows it was not anything personal.
Jenny,
I can understand how you may feel about the situation, were you the only one from the grooms side not invited? There could have been a mix up or a misunderstanding who should be invited( some think the grooms family is not suppose to be invited to the brides shower that its just for her side only, this is not true) or they may have thought your side of the family was throwing a shower. Some showers invite only those closest friends to the bride( if all should have been informed of this type of shower) otherwise it is standard to invite the grooms sisters, mother, and grandmothers. Unfortunately, since the shower has passed there isn’t much that can be done. You could try to ask her if she is upset at you for some reason, then let the conversation flow into the questions you may have. Or if you may feel more comfy asking your brother was the shower only for her side, if so you may try to squeeze in a little something on the grooms side, if you wish. I am thinking it was not on purpose and it was either an oversight or misunderstood etiquette but asking will help ease your feelings but healthy conversation avoiding messy confrontation can preserve your relationship with the bride because things like this can cause chaos and strained relationships. After weighing your feelings you may decide to let it pass altogether. I wish you the best!
Hi Jenny,
I can only imagine how you must be feeling, and I’m so sorry Jenny.
Before you do anything, is it possible that this was an oversight
by the people who gave her the shower? Have you spoken with you
sister in-law to be since the shower? It seems hard to believe that
the planners could forget one of the most important guests, but
in the middle of all the shower and wedding chaos, it is possible.
Was this a surprise bridal shower? I think the only thing you can do is talk to the bride, find out what happened. Hope everything
works out!
Hi Ladies
Thanks for your comments, unfortunately it appears not to be as simple as that. My brother and his future bride were very sheepish about the whole bridal shower, he got very antsy when I asked about it and she avoided me the week before the shower even though we were at a family ocassion. She is an only child and he has only 2 nieces on his side, yet she has asked all of her friends to be bridesmaids, I know that this is her perogative, however I would have thought that it would have been a nice gesture to have a member of the grooms family involved. We have been totally excluded from the wedding too. I have tried really hard to include her in our family, yet she has been rude to me on several occasions, which I have ignored to keep the peace within the family, but this is just one big hurt especially being the grooms ONLY sister and she has no siblings at all. It is upsetting yet I appreciate that it is her day, I do not expect my children to be asked to be bridesmaid, it is just the fact that they are family and a wedding is supposed to be about 2 families joining. I believe that I was not asked intentionally and I struggle to understand why, every year I send her chocolates or flowers on her birthday, I fall over backwards to cater for her when she stays with us. I can’t seem to do right for doing wrong. Any advice or comments much appreciated, thanks
Hi Jenny,
This is strictly my opinion, and I am not an expert by any means, but this is really inexcusable behavior on the part of the bride and groom to exclude you and your family from the shower and wedding!! Are any of your bother’s friends included. I’m so sorry Jenny, and you have a right to be angry and saddened as weddings are about joining two families. I think you should have a talk with your brother, alone. This is a situation that should be corrected before the wedding, not after! Not a good way to start a new life! Take care!
Lindsay
Jenny,
I am sorry this is happening to your family and that you have been excluded from the wedding. It is when the true meaning of the wedding is forgotten that situations can arise. The bridal party, traditionally, is very close friends or relatives closest to the bride and the groom chooses his groomsmen the same. Some do choose from both sides but not always unless they are close. I do hope this gets better because I know this can’t be easy on you all. I have personally dealt with situations in the past like this and it does make one uncomfortable,even wonder what is the matter. From personal experience, I have noticed that even if a family member joins in on the behavior with the other family, in time, they will( hopefully) see it is not the right thing to do. Sometimes, the best thing to do is turn away from the brides/couples decisions about how she wants her day. I have seen many times in weddings if there is any issues with the brides planning, that can also be a hidden cause to see chaos begin in families. We may not always understand why things happen the way they do but must try to be happy for the couple because I have seen strained even break relationships, some are permanent, due to weddings. Planning is very stressful and it can change ones personality. Alot of times after the wedding the situations return back to normal when the stress is gone. Your right, a wedding should be a coming together for celebration with the couple. That is why wedding sites recommend not to let one day or wedding events come in between famililes and friends and not to focus on the wedding planning to base a relationship, it has caused many strained relationships and it is very heartbreaking. I am not sure why your dilemma is happening, there could be something that needs to be addressed as a family. Hopefully, they will say what it is at some point. I do hope it gets better, I can see your really trying to have a relationship with her. You sound like a good friend but in this case it may be best to pull back and let her come to you( sometimes this can help) whatever the issue is, if they are pulling away then they are not ready to deal with it yet. I know this may not help the hurt but in time they may come around. I hope my comment has helped and again I am sorry you are going thru this and wish it gets better soon. Please write back if you have any other questions.
Hello,
Unfortunately I am back again with a new problem. The mother is now avoiding all of our calls/texts and is refusing to give an estimated head count until the rsvp date. It was simply requested that we know so that we can start to pay and purchase items, but that rolled right into us being “lazy thoughtless friends” again. The insults only got worse. Finally i stood up and said please call me because i will not be treated this way by you! My calls are ignored and no calls are coming back. At this point i just want to wash my hands of the shower and tell her it is back in her hands and i only plan on attending as a guest. Also, she has not contributed her sisters share of the costs. I am really ready to cancel everything that we have planned. I was told if this ends up cheap or tacky it is our fault and that she will tell her daughter what terrible friends we are. We really have a beutiful shower planned but unless we charge everything on a credit card (which none of us are in a position to do so) we need to wait until the funds get to us. How much is too much? I am ready to call my friend and just tell her that she needs to talk with her mother because a majority of the bridesmaids are now dreading all of the events related to her wedding. Although i do not want to make waves i am not willing to be insulted and belittled via text message when someone does not have the courtesy to answer a call. We were called lazy half a** bridesmaids when we started even though we were planning and now we are beign accuse of “takign over and excluding her” when she was the one who said she did not want to be a part of this. I left a vm saying that i will not be treated like this and that we need to talk because clearly with two of us she has something else that is an underlying issue. I also said that the only one who will lose out is her daughter and that this is not fair to her, but nothing back from her yet…Please give some advice…or at least let me know what you think…
Bridexoxo,
Remember the Moh and bridal party is usually the shower hosts anyway( optional choice) in most weddings and today rules have been changed so now anyone can pretty much host. But technically if the bridal party wants to host a shower, then there is no reason for the mother to be hosting, unless you all agreed it was okay. A family member used to host if there was noone else to plan a shower. I know it will be difficult but sometimes the best way to solve is to venture on your own. I hope I have helped with your dilemma. Please let me know how things go and if I can be of anymore assistance.
You have a couple of options here. Let her plan this entire shower and you guys plan your own shower for the bride. Or you can stand your ground and find a way around the headcount etc. The mother is not remembering who this shower is for and the meaning behind it, which is to honor the bride. No you do not “have” to participate in this shower it is perfectly fine. It appears if you plan or not plan it may not stop, that the mother may be jealous that someone may be doing more for the bride which could be leading her to react in such a hurtful way. Unfortunately, this happens. Sometimes weddings can bring out a differnt side in a person, especially when the true wedding meaning is not realized. This is very sad and rude behavior on her part. It appears she is going to make it to where noone but her can plan the shower regardless.I hate your going through all of this. It is not best to include the bride in such things but it may be necessary to at least inform her and explain to her you want to do something special for her. In this situation with the mother, you will want to handle this in a appropriate manner, even though it is upsetting, due to it causing more chaos for all including the bride. I would get my bms together and host a separate event. It doesnt have to be costly to be grand. What about a coed shower? For all the friends of the couple? Or take her to a special outing with just the bridal party? (Example: Spa Day or movies and lunch)The bride will care more about her friendship then how much a shower costs, so please dont let anyone say different. If they do, it is likely part of the hurtful ways used to make you all keep distance from any planning.
Can someone tell me if it’s correct for the mother (me) to give my daughter a very nice gift during the bridal shower? Or should I wait until after the party? It’s a very nice gift and I don’t want others to feel showed up.
Hi Grace,
I don’t think it would be a problem if you prefer giving your daughter
her gift after the shower! It’s very thoughtful of you to consider the
feelings of the other guests! Have fun!
Lindsay
Grace,
You spend the amount on the shower gift that feels right for you and that is perfect for the couple. But the shower gift should not be as elaborate as the wedding gift. There is no set rule on this matter but if you are in doubt you can certainly wait or buy a different gift for the shower and give the nicer gift for the wedding gift.
I’d just like to made a general comment about the amount of money that
some bridesmaids are being asked to spend on bridal showers, it’s ridiculous to ask the bridesmaids to contribute amounts of $400 and up, and it really isn’t in keeping with the spirit of a bridal shower. I’ve planned
several bridal showers, and baby showers, and you can do so much by
making your own favors, gifts, decorations, and I think the bride and or the mother to be appreciate the effort. It does take planning ahead, and
team work.
Lindsey,
Wonderful comment. The bridal shower shouldn’t rival with the reception. It is meant to be more small,intimate gathering with the brides and grooms nearest and dearest. It is recommended and proper etiquette that shower guest lists not exceed 35 guests.
Hi Stacey,
Thank you!!!
Hello!
So I’m a bridesmaid (1 of 5) and we are throwing the bridal shower for the bride. I was thinking at most we’d spend $200 each on the party. The guest list which was provided by the bride was about 75 people, but 50 people are coming. With the centerpieces, favors, hall costs, invitation costs – each bridesmaid is asked to spend $400 each! I’m beside myself. I love the bride, but it’s way over my budget and I think this is unreasonable. I got a modest gift for her and am thinking that I tell the bride that her wedding gift is the bridal shower. Can I do that? How do I do that? can I write it in the card and what do I write? Please help!
I know that many people have this issue as well. I would say instead of saying that the shower was the gift, I would maybe find a pictureframe that is a resonable price from her registry or any one if she does not have any that are well priced on her registry and wrap that and bring it to the reception. At my wedding i had friends that were not in good financial places and they were thinking about even not coming because they could not afford a gift. Fortunately the one shared that with me and i said i would be more upset if he did not come then if he came without a gift. An invite to a weddiing is a celbration and I feel that although people feel that they need to brign a gift, you are inviting someone to share a day with you. As a guest if you cannot afford a gift, get a small token to show you care about the couple, but do not feel stressed out. If your friend gives you a hard time after all that she knows you put into the shower/dress/etc. they are being unreasonable. You can get a card and write how you have enjoyed being a part of the entire process for her and that you hope she also enjoyed both the shower as well as her wedding day too!!!
Rosana, I agree with the previous post. If the hosts all agree to the costs then unfortunately we commit ourselves but you can have a discussion and express your financial concerns and see if there is a way to cut costs. Alot of people dont know this but the bridal party is not obligated to host a shower( it is an optional event) they get to choose to be involved or not, even decide on the amount they can afford. Some may not wish to be involved as a shower host, which is perfectly acceptable and noone should ever feel the need to be obligated. Another thing is the guest list, the hosts get to decide if they can afford 75 guests. If not, then the bride should be advised of the budget and the guests they can afford and she will cut the list accordingly. There is no way to properly tell teh bride the shower is the gift. I would pitch in as a group wedding/shower gift with the other bms to cut costs or go on your own maybe a nice photo album? Or some great Paula Deen cooking utensils? Cookbook? Do they like to read? Then a book would be super! Or a subscription to a magazine or book club. Are you crafty? make something homemade or a couple aprons if they love to cook.Grill? Summer items are on sale as we speak! Think outside the box. Please dont feel obligated to pay for an expensive gift after so many expenses. If you cannot afford a gift, then at least send them a card congratulating them on their nuptials.
Thanks guys so much for your help and support! So the MOH is the one who basically planned this thing and said to everyone – we’ll split everything. I was the one who kept bringing up “we dont want to assume we can financially manage this, so let’s see if her Mom and the Mother-in-law want to contribute” Anyway – the MOH asked the mom and future Mother and Law and they literally declined to contribute anything – ideas, making favors, anything!! Again, she’s not my close close friend (so I wonder why I’m in this wedding… I know, I know).. but who thinks when they agree to be in a wedding that they’d have this responsibility. Sigh… anyway, the Bride to be doesn’t know how much we are spending… not sure if she’ll know.. but I assume she’ll figure it out once she attends the shower.
I’m going to consider the shower as her bridal shower gift and since I can’t afford to spend any more money, I am going to get something I can afford off her registry and bring it to her as a gift to her wedding. When I got married she gave me a generous $150. Do I need to match that? Ugh. I hate that this is all about money, but I am still beside myself on the $400 price I need to fork up on this shower. Again, I don’t know if she’ll know how much I (we) spent on the shower, so is there a way to gently and respectfully let her know so she doesn’t think I am a horrible cheapo person – b/c obviously, I’m not ha!
Hi Rosana,
I’m not an expert, but I think this bridal shower is totally out of control!! Bridal showers are supposed to include intimate friends and
family members, 75 people is a huge shower! I’m just curious, and
you don’t have to respond to this question, but are you also expected
to buy your dress and shoes, pay for your hair, nails, make-up, etc?
I’m stunned by stories like yours because times are tough, and I think
it is unreasonable, to say the least, for the bridesmaids to be asked
for $400.00 for a bridal shower! Who is throwing the shower, and have you spoken with the other bridesmaids to see how they feel?
I would hope that the bride knows that the shower, at $400 per
bridesmaid, is her shower and wedding gift, and that’s perfectly
acceptable! If you can’t afford to pay $400, don’t do it, pay what
you can, and that will have to be alright! Best of luck!
Lindsay
My friend is getting married soon and i am a bridesmaid. We all agreed to help host the shower at her mothers house, but invitations were sent out before we even met and now everything is planned and we got an email asking for 250.00, wihch does nto include favors, centerpieces, and decorations which are our responsibility. We asked to all meet up, but her mother is refusing and just makign comments that we are trying to cheap out, but honestly we just want a say in what the plans will be especially if someone is asking for that much money!! I am at the point where i do not even want to go to the shower but i know that i not fair to my friend. What should I do???
Bmaidxoxo,
This is unfair to proceed with planning without the other hosts and then to ask for $250. All hosts must sit down together and decide on the budget, what they can afford,date, etc. Expensive costs should not be demanded or expected of the bridal party especially on top of all other costs, unless all parties invloved agree. If there are some bridesmaids who cannot afford to host a shower, then that is within their rights and nothing should be held against them. Although they do not get to plan, they can still get to help in any way they can, decorating, etc. It is a good rule of thumb to invite no more than 35 guests ot the shower so it will not rival the reception. It is meant to be a intimate affair with the brides nearest and dearest. If it was planned without any input then the bridal party isnt responsible financially.
Thank You! That is what thought. Although that is a lot of money in y mind, the issue was not about hte money it was about refusing to give us the chance for input. We all knew what the chosen date was, so invites going out wasnt really an isse, except for the fact that after contactign this woman, i was told that i was trying to ruin this for everyone and that we all were going to half a** a shower. I decided to throw out to everyone involved I think we need to clarify who is hosting this… and state that i am ok with helping to plan and host a party, but not just pay for one without a say. She has backed down and the bridesmaids are now startign our own planning, but I feel that she is still bitter as well as her family and we have to go to her house now. I left it open that if she wanted to be involved she is still more than welcome, we just all wanted to be. She has the “All or nothing” attitude and says no im fine you guys do it. I just hope our frind is not upse tif she is told we excluded her mother. I dont think that we did…??? over 70 invited
Bridexox,
You are in the right. I hope everything works out.
What the mother has done is “CHEAT-OUT”! She has cheated the planners out of their rights, opinions, and say-so’s in planning the shower. Tell her they failed to include you in the plans that were made, and made them without your consent. She took away your privelidge, yet has the gall to expect you to pay for it! Tell her that the bridesmaids will be holding a meeting to plan and split up the cost of the remaining decorations. Ask her if she would like to come. If she refuses, ask her if she still wants them to plan the decorations. If she starts anything, tell her it is obvious that she never had any intentions of planning as a group, because she is still unwilling to work with anyone. you did not agree to her planning and you financing. If that is how she thinks it is done, then she just became a committee of “ONE”! If she is going to tell people you are trying to “cheap out”, tell her you will not be bullied by someone who is trying “to stick-it to em’!”
Well after efforts to keep my friends mother included it seems as though she has decided to have family make food, but that is all. The bridesmaids all have it under control and everything is ordered/priced out but I am still not happy with the way i was treated. I tried to address this in conversation with her mother but she does not think she is in the wrong at all. Honestly I was only trying to clear the air for all of us due to the fact that we have to spend multiple times with her for the wedding/rehearsal dinner/getting ready etc. She still however expects all of our plans to be run through her to be approved. Paper napkins as well as paper coffee cups were not acceptable. We are kind of just “yessing her” just to keep her out of our plans. I knwo this is wrong, but i will not allow the only participation that she desires to have in this be telling us what is wrong and/or needs to be changed. We all, including the mother, have equal say and if her choices are outvoted they are outvoted. Likewise if mine was i would go with the majority vote. The girls agreed this was the easiest way to figure out choices without arguing. It is just unfortunate because before all of this i would go to my friend’s parent’s house all the time. I do not know what to tell my friend when she realizes i refuse to go there until i get an apology from her mother after her wedding. …??? I always feel it is better to leave the bride out of these matters but I do not want to lie either. Would it be rude if I say i just dont feel comfortable with the way things were handled regardign the shower and i would prefer not to go there??? I do nto think details are necessary. She may go to her mother to get them, btu I do nto feel that she needs to know details.
Hi Bridexoxo,
This is a sad situation, I’m sorry you were put in this position! Be the better person and get through this shower and wedding the
best you can, for the sake of the bride. The bride’s mother seems very set in her ways, and that may never change, which
is ridiculous, but there isn’t anything you can do about that.
Get through the ceremony, and if you don’t receive an apology
at some point, discuss it with the bride at a later date. It’s so
sad that such large showers get out of control, and those closet to the bride are hurt. I don’t think the bride’s mother
has thought about the many expenses the bridal party is
responsible for before a shower is even considered, i.e., cost
of your dresses, shoes, hair, make-up, etc. You are in the
right here, know that! Best of luck to you, go and have a blast!
Lindsay
My question is: a coworker sent a wedding shower gift for her niece’s wedding shower (out of state)& insisted that the gift be opened at the shower. The niece decided to open some at home. Now the coworker wants her gift returned back. I say one cannot insist where the gift is opened and should never request the return of such gift. What is proper?
Cheryl,
It is always best to bring the gifts to the shower and open them there along with the other gifts, however, all brides are different. Some choosing to open immediately and some choosing to wait. So actually it is a matter of chocie, the wedding gifts sent to the home is different, they can be opened but not used til after the wedding. Wow, the coworker is demanding the gift back? The bride does not have to send the gift back unless the wedding has been cancelled, then all gifts should be returned. Noone can dictate when the bride should open the gift, since it is for her. Since the gift is opened, she should send a thank you note for the gift. If she continues to demand the gift back , then I would send it back, so there wouldnt be anymore hassle. No gift should be sent with “conditions”. That is not heartfelt gift giving. Hope this helps!!
OH- RETURN IT! However, she did’t say in what condition! Put a note that she must open the return in front of a mirror,so she can get a good look at what a horrible person she has become!
How do you handle being uninvited to a bridal shower?
I did receive a written invitation from the Host.
She is an Aunt to the bride.
My husband is a 1st cousin to the brides mother, so I am related through marriage. The brides mother and I went to school together and have been what I thought close friends for many years.
We have been very close for the past 3 years, quilting and doing things together. I was invited and attended the Engagement Party given last year.
My understanding is once an invite goes out you just deal with it as is. I wouldn’t dream of uninviting someone once the invitation had been mailed out.
What is your take on this? I have not seen any post on this situation.
Lucinda,
This is not very proper etiquette on their part, you shouldn’t uninvite someone. I would ask to find out what happened. If the friendship matters to you I would ask them… Did something happen to change their mind? Let them know your disappointed and then let them explain the reason. Let them know your feelings have been hurt, etc. It is a sticky situation because care and friendship is involved. It would have been better for them to have discussed why the change of heart. Are you the only one this has happened too? I am not sure. Did the bride mishap on the this or did the bridal party issue the uninvite? If you want to save the friendship then you must decide how it can be handled. If so, you may be able to find out the reason and move on, and attend the wedding. If you do not feel you can attend the wedding, then I would have something else planned but not attending could affect or not affect the relationship permanently. I do hope everything works out and it was a misunderstanding. I also hope I was able to help with your question.
Oh thank you for your answer, I thought I was correct on the etiquette issue. I just needed to know.
I can say there is a third party perpetrator causing this all to happen. I feel perhaps the bride, the brides mother and myself are victums of this perpetrator. Why the perpetrator is doing this I have no idea other than jealousy. The perpetrator did not get invited to the Engagement Party. I called the perpetrator and she was very quick to inform me that the bride promised definitely that she would be invited to the bridal party and that I was going to be uninvited. Why did she even know about it if she wasn’t the cause. As far as I know I am the only one to be uninvited by the bride.
I think I need to inform the bride’s mother of this trail of events so that she can draw her own conclusion.
Again thanks for your reply. Lucinda
In my circle of friends and family it is considered polite and proper to give the game prize to the bride, however I have been to several showers when the winner kept the prize. Since I am hosting a bridal shower for my soon to be daughter-n-law and I am making a special gift for the prize gift would it be proper to make two and give one to the prize winner and one to the bride? And should they be just alike? Thanks!
Glo,
That would be very nice to make one for both. However, when guests play the games or door prizes it is proper for the guests to keep them. As with any other function that has games for the guests, they also get to keep any prize won since they are provided for the guests entertainment and impolite to have games if the guests cannot keep their prize. I have only heard of this a couple of times and I hope this helps with any questions.
Do you think they have to be the same size or is it ok if one is larger then the other?
Glo,
Oh either way will be fine.
Just a question:
Does the mother give bridal gift everytime she goes to her daughter’s bridal shower? I know a mother of the bride-to-be, she said she has to
bring a gift to her to all her daughter’s bridal shower. Please advise.
Thanks.
Merly,
Not at all unless she chooses. She only needs to give one bridal shower gift, no matter how many showers there are, and she can choose which shower she wants to bring it to. I would suggest giving it at the main shower on the brides side of the family.
I am planning a bridal shower and wondered if it was proper for me to send out the bridal invitations before the wedding invidations. Thanks.
Dee,
Bridal shower invite 4 weeks prior to shower and wedding invites 8 weeks prior. Alow more rom for out of town or out of state guets, so they can make reservations. If noone from out of state or town is coming then you can send bridal shower invites out 2-3 weeks ahead of time.
Hi!
So i am the Maid of Honor in my friends wedding this summer. We just had her bachelorette party this past Saturday. A few months ago, her mom called me and told me she wanted to pay for the hotel room and I said ok, thanks so much, etc.
Well, we went out to the bachelorette party dinner, and her mom paid for all of us. Which none of us were expecting (my mom had actually purchased a gift certificate for me to this restaurant because this wedding has broken my bank account!). After dinner, her mom said she had a headache and was not coming to the hotel with us, and didn’t join us in anymore activities that night. She also didn’t offer or give me any money towards the hotel, like she said she would.
The hotel had charged me a crazy huge amount for a pre-authorization fee, so i was seriously broke that whole night. I am really bad about asking people for money, it makes me feel guilty. I did ask one bridesmaid to buy a case of beer and $20 to chip in. I bought the bride’s drinks all night long (minus one, and thats only because i was in the bathroom!).
So my questions are, how do i handle the hotel situation with her mom, can i e-mail her? what do i say?
and is it too late to ask the other bridesmaid for money, or should i just let it go now?
Thanks sooo much!
broke,
You should talk to the bm about chipping in on the costs. It shouldn’t all fall on you. Its a difficult situtation to ask for money. With the mom, you could say something like…wanted to make sure the hotel didn’t doublecharge etc. etc.
The mom may have quietly excused herself from the activites. If she didnt off the money like she said, it could be she didn’t have it, she forgot, etc. I think that a person should give a heads up if they see they cannot fulfill intentions. The bachelorette party expenses are typically shared and costs discussed prior to the event, and come to agreement before going forward. Everyone usually chips in and takes care of the expenses for the bride. I would call a meeting to discuss this. Even if the mom doesnt give the $$ to cover the hotel, maybe some funds can be reimbursed for the party by the bridal party. Same for the shower, share expenses-agree on a budget and how many guests you all can afford. Hope this helps!
Is it okay for the mother of the groom to have a shower for the bride-to-be? My husbands family who for the last 36 years has hosted bridal/baby showers for all the family members has not said anything about a shower and we are less the 5 weeks?
Thanks
Ilene
Ilene,
Yes, nowdays anyone can host a shower. There are alot of mixed emotions on this subject but so many wedding rules are being revised. Here in the south, family members as hosts are the norm. To me, it never looks like the family is trying to get gifts, it just looks like someone loves the bride and wants to honor her.
I NEED HELP I AM GIVING A BRIDAL SHOWER FOR MY NIECE I HVE INVITED HER FRIENDS AND ALSO FRIENDS OF HER MOTHER THE QUESTION DO WE ALSO HAVE TO INVITE THE GUESTS THAT COME TO HER SHOWER TO THE WEDDING?. the couple are on a limited budget to the wedding? i would appricate an answer to this ? we are very concern would not like to have any one feelins bruised/ hurt thank you so very much for your help PULLING MY RED HAIR OUT. F. RED
Guests invited to shower should also be on wedding guest list. Even with a limited budget, shower guests should be limited to those who are invited to the wedding. One option is a coed shower, which are becoming quite popular. Have a honeymoon theme shower and a simple food buffet or bbq. The guests that should be invited to the shower are: closest friends, bridal party, both mothers, sisters, grandparents, if shower not adult only, then flowergirl and her mother. The bride should make the guest list of those she wishes to attend and the hosts decide on budget and how many guests they can afford. Hoping this helps. Remember, showers are meant to be intimate events in honor of the bride.
Hello there! I have a question as to what exactly you would do for my situation.
I am the maid of honor for my sisters July 30 wedding. As such, I am planning her bridal shower which is going to be held July 2 as an afternoon tea party theme. The invitations are all addressed and ready to be sent out. When my sister just yesterday texted me saying she wants her ex-maid of honor to be invited to the bridal shower. My response was I do not have any more invitations, which is completely true because these were special tea cup invitations that include a tea bag and I got the only 23 that the store had to offer. After hearing that she said take the invitation addressed to another girl and send it to her ex-maid of honor instead. My response was “I’m sorry but after talking it over with the family we decided that a bridal shower is not the time to try and work on and rekindle your friendship with her. While I’m sure she is very important to you as well as mending your friendship we feel the bridal shower is not meant for that. A lunch or dinner together is surely better suited for that. Also, we are all very concerned that if (not saying she would) she was inappropriate or rude it could ruin the whole atmosphere we are trying to create for you in celebration of your upcoming marriage. I’m sorry if this makes you upset but we feel this is really not debatable for we want you to enjoy yourself and don’t want to jeopardize you happiness while you try to make her happy.” Now please understand that this girl was my sister’s maid of honor until she took no part in any wedding activities. Then, she too became engaged and started stealing all of the ideas my sister had come up with for her own wedding (I’m talking favors and even trying to use the same bridesmaids dresses). So my sister had to tell her she could not be the maid of honor because she was not fulfilling any of the duties that she was supposed to. That girl then hung up the phone and never talked to my sister again until 5 months later my sister missed her and called to see if they could work things out. Since I all along have been there for my sister I got moved a spot up in the bridal party and became maid of honor. When my sister called and told me I must invite her friend because they wouldn’t be rekindling their friendship, they are friends again, I said no. I do not want this girl to ruin the whole bridal shower. Her actions are unpredictable and I’ve worked so hard to try and make this a nice intimate bridal shower that I will be panicing the whole time trying to make sure the girl doesn’t do anything awful if she was there. My sister then threw out there that I am her maid of honor and I need to invite her because that is what will make her happy and that is my job as maid of honor. I told her once again I am not inviting this girl, I mean really the two have them just started communicating (at first in a very strained manner) two weeks ago. So I am just wondering, what would you all have done. I understand it is her bridal shower, but I do not want any drama or trouble at the shower which very likely would happen if this girl came.
Thanks for any advice.
Hi Christa,
I understand how you feel, and it sounds like you have gone to a great deal of work to make the day special for your sister. That said, it is her day, and if she wants to invite this girl, that is what you should do, I wouldn’t take an invitation from another girl, I’d just try and find one similar. You can make it clear to your sister that any disturbances will be handled by asking her to leave. Try not to stress about it, just enjoy the day, and be there to support your sister. Best of luck!
Lindsay
My goodness, it is her shower and she wants her friend there. There is no question she has to be invited. Send her a generic invitation if you don’t have enough. I do believe that you are afraid that you might get bumped back down to bridesmaid. It is your sisters wedding, her shower, and her life. It’s time go take the high road here and invite your sisters friend. No question.
Christa,
I can understand your dilemma. Actually the bride makes the guest list and gives it to the host. If she wants her at the shower, she can definitely add her to the list. I personally, dont agree with replacing the other invite. While I dont know the entire circumstances, it is possible the shower can actually help their friendship. She must have forgiven her and wants to rekindle their friendship. I can understand how diffcult it may be for others but she must have meant alot to her before and doesnt want the wedding to get in between. Which is the advice I give to others, not to let one day ruin a relationship. You dont have to have the identical invite, just find a cute/similar invite. If the ex MOH doesn’t get invited, it may still cause issues. Those invited to the shower are closest friends, immediate family, bridal party.Hosts do get to plan the shower, decide the number of guests they can afford( they do have the ability to cut a guest list) if it is to many guests and outside of their budget. If there is any drama, then she should be asked to leave but there is a chance none will happen. A shower is to honor the bride, yes, but with the ones she chooses to celebrate with. Others may have the best interests at heart concerning someone who has hurt someone we love but we have to trust they have made the right choice for themselves. Hoping it all works out.
My son will be getting married at the end of July. Since he and the bride live a long distance away (12 hour drive), people here at the groom’s home town have asked if I will be having a bridal shower. Is it appropriate for the future MIL to host a bridal shower when the bride herself will not be able to be present? Somehow it doesn’t seem right to me.
Lar,
In this case consider a long distance shower. Google search bridal shower in a box. You could make it a gift card shower and mail the gift cards to the couple. If she has registered anywhere, shower guests could be given a heads up on the shower type and instead of tradtional gifts they can get a gift card to the store of choice.
When my niece was married,my sister-in-law (she is the wife of my husband’s brother) made me feel as though I should have hosted a shower for my niece, even though I live several hours away from their hometown. The bride’s mother ended up having the shower hosted by several of her own friends while she directed the food, activities, etc.
Because it would be difficult to find a location to host a shower in the bride’s hometown, I let the bride’s mother know that I intended to be very generous with the gifts I was giving my niece.
Now that her youngest daughter is getting married, I have volunteered to contribute to the shower and intend to be generous with gifts to this niece as well. Is it normal for the mother of the bride to make all of the arrangements for the bridal shower and am I being unreasonable not to find a way to host a shower in the bride’s hometown? (I don’t believe family and friends would want to drive 5 hours roundtrip to attend a shower, but maybe I’m wrong.)
Sophie
Hi Sophie,
I’m not the expert, but the bridal shower is usually hosted by the MOH and the bridal party. They consult with the bride about a guest list, and theme etc. The MOB and MOG should be guests of honor, frankly, so should you! This is strictly my opinion, but I seriously doubt that anyone is going to make a 5 hours drive to attend, nor should they be asked to. Best of luck to you! Lindsay
Sophie,
No you are not being unreasonable. A shower is a optional event that can be given to honor the bride. It is actually improper behavior for someone to appoint someone to do this. Nowdays many mothers of the bride host bridal showers. If you are contributing( dividing the costs of the shower with the other hosts) to the shower that makes you a host and your input is included on any part of the shower( unless distance makes it difficult and you allow someone to step in for you) your name should also be listed on the invite as a host. If they are excluding you then you could bow out of shower contributions or limit them. It is rude to accept contributions and not include the giver. The only thing that would change hosting status in this situation would be if the contribution is more giftable.
It probably is unusual to get a ‘Dad’ to be sending in a comment and question. However, my daughther is having a bridal shower next month, but something came up that I would like your opinion on regarding etiquette.
My mother was invited, but does have a hard time getting around. We did want her to go to the shower, so people were asked: bride-to-be and her Mom, groom-to-be and his Mom, and my wife where they all agreed. Arrangements were made to invite and have my twin bother pick her up to bring her to the shower. He is also the bride-to-be’s Godfather. However, my Mother insistes that she be able to bring to the party my other brother, who lives with her. She insists that he is her ‘care giver’ and should be able to attend.
In this situation, what would be your advice and counsel? I appreciate you taking the time to reply. Thank you!!!
Hi Joe,
I’m not the expert, but I think inviting your other brother shouldn’t be a problem, especially if it makes your Mother feel more comfortable.
sorry, I sent that off too fast. It’s more important that she attend, and feel comfortable. This shouldn’t be an issue. BTW, I think it;s wonderful that you asked a question as Father of the Bride! Good Luck!
Lindsay
Lindsey,
I personally don’t see anything wrong with this. As long as the brothers are okay with it. I would leave the final choice up to them but this is actually a wonderful and thoughtful idea.
Hi – I wrote about my sister wanting to invite all these people to the shower and I couldn’t afford a restuarant (NY so over done). Wanted to let you all know how it turned out. We had it at my house, and thankfully less people showed up then planned, but still I THINK it was 30 people. I put out extra chairs. I ordered food (too much food) from Stop & Shop, cake from King Kullen that was good. Got plates and knapkins from COStco. And balloons. The worst part was cleaning the day before because I work and just had that one day. I put out ice tea, lemonaid, soda on one table and food on other and for half the table, I pushed chairs back so no one was leaning over someone else to get food. All I got to say is God bless my sister-in-law and the brides friend, they helped me so much and my sister too.
Don’t be afraid to ask for help from people around you. You think you’re ready, but never ready. But everyone seemed to have a good time and the bride-to-be was very happy. I think people feel more relaxed at a home. It was over before I knew it, and I survived. 
Thank you all for your comments and help. 
@Tammy,
You go girl!!! LOL! Sounds like you did an amazing job, good
for you!!
:)
I am a bridesmaid in a wedding. I am 1 of 4. 2 of the bridesmaids are unemployeed (including the moh) because of this they are trying to plan this shower very cheap, even so far as wanting to make it a pot luck and have everyone bring food??? i cant believe it. i am appalled. i am the shower/party planner in my family and am very good at doing things very nice and inexpensive at the same time…i just want to stay away and not be part of it..to top it off the 2 that are doing this are both out of state….help!!!!
ak,
Personally I love potlucks but etiquette and even shower guests can deem it improper. I personally don;t like to advise a potluck unless it is for a old fashioned theme where it was the norm in the era. In the older days potlucks were popular, here in the south they still are. I usually tell hosts to find a way around it if they can, unless all guests love the idea. Times are very difficult now but that doesn’t mean guests will go for this, then again you may never know. This is a matter of taste for the hosts. Showers are meant to be small and intimate with moms, grandmothers, sisters, any close aunts etc., bridal party and close friends. I would go for either a inexpensive lunch like pasta, salad, garlic bread and dessert or finger foods like chips and dip, small sandwiches, veggies and dip, etc. Keep the beverages to tea, water, punch, adding coffee or homemade cappuccinos with cookies and cake. A shower is never meant to be a big production and it seems showers are becoming sometimes as big as the weddings. What does the bride love…books? make it the theme and offer a coffeehouse style shower. Donuts, cookies, cupcakes, anything at a coffeehouse. have book centerpieces and candles, make the snack area with a coffee sign above area similar to the books a million. have small tables and chairs set up in the area. It would be alot of fun. If you dont use a theme just do like the olden days pull out and/or borrow crystal vases, white linens, and grab some flowers ar a flower market or walmart. Is her fave food pizza? Have a paizza party. I love tradition but when it comes to showers, nontraditional decor or offbeat/true to the brides personality is always more fun!! I bet if you told the other girls your inexpensive ideas to reassure them it is okay you are on a limited budget, it will ease their fears.
@K&,
I can’t think if anything nicer than a potluck, but perhaps it would be nice if the bridal party brought the food, rather than the guests. Being part of the bridal party is expensive, and can be a real hardship on some. Since this is your forte, perhaps you can advise the others on money saving ideas that don’t cost a fortune, but make a very nice presentation,
I’m the maid of honor for my sister’s wedding in her now home state Tennessee. She is having a small wedding of about 45 people with some friends and family in Tennessee. She’s from Florida, most of the guests are traveling to Tennessee from Florida. My sister wants her bridal shower in Florida with guests that are not invited to the wedding. Is this proper? I feel awkard and rude inviting people to a shower expecting guests to bring gifts and not get an invite to her wedding. Please help with opinion/advice!!!
Jen,
You are right. Any guest invited to the shower should also be on the wedding guest list unless there will be a post reception. If the guests were invited and just couldn’t attend the wedding then it would be an exception.
My friend’s shower is coming up. As a bridesmaid, we were given a reasonable quote from the maid of honor for how much the shower would cost each of us. Now the cost has more than double and us not feasible for many of us. Everything is booked (and paid for), for those of us that can’t afford this, what can we do?
When my daughter had to plan a shower as a maid of honor and thought it would be nice to split the costs among the bridesmaids too. She asked for a small reasonable amount $25.00 each since she had to rent a hall ($75.00 in itself), send out invites (postage $), and do lots of food for over 50 guests. The girls agreed, but then never donated any money at all to the costs. So she was left with all the expense herself. It was disappointing to her, but since she didn’t know these other girls ahead of time she couldn’t do much about it. I think you should give what you feel you can afford to contribute without it being a burden. At least you will have helped with some of the cost and not let it all be on the one girl. It should have been discussed ahead of time with all of you if it was going to be more. Maybe you can somehow let the bride know of the change of cost and she can talk to the maid of honor since she is her best friend.
SJN, great advice!!
As hosts,a budget should have been agreed upon together. It is improper to book a venue and one hosts decides plans without consulting to the other hosts. If you cannot afford the costs then there needs to be a “meeting of the minds”. I always urge everyone to sit down and agree on the budget and guest list to avoid conflict or confusion. It is improper to set a venue price/budget then double it. Technically, the bridal party would pay for their ( agreed) part and if it changes and noone is consulted prior, then the MOH would have to pay this cost. It is similar to family wanting to invite extra guests outside of the set wedding guest list, whoever wants to invite the extra guests should pay their costs. In this case, the Moh should firmly yet nicely, be made aware that you all cannot afford the price since it is doubled and you will pay the previous set costs. However, if the costs doubled and you all were made aware previously to the booking, then everyone who is a hosts would split as agreed. Hope this helps!!
Im trying to work on a guest list of the bridal shower for my maid of honor, Do I have to invite family thats not immediate?!
Deanna,
Usually bridal party, both sides: mothers, grandmothers, sisters, any aunts or cousins who may be close to either bride or groom, closest friends to the bride. The flower girl can be invited ( if the shower is not a adult affair), along with the flower girls mother. So not at all, unless you are close to them.
Im throwing a bridal shower for my best friend who has invited 80 people, do I need to have favors for everyone? Or can I just skip that part?
Shauna,
You don’t have to give favors. Every shower I have attended we never got favors. So it is okay.
The bride thinks that people who declined going to her wedding should still be invited to her Bridal Shower. I just wanted a small affair in my house (I’m bridemaid). Is this true? I can’t afford a restuarant.
Tammy,
Only those closest to the bride should be invited. It is not necessary to invite all female guests on the wedding list to the shower. Those invited to the shower should be: immediate family from both sides- grandmothers, sisters, mothers;friends closest to the bride and even the groom ( unless the grooms side is hosting a separate shower), anyone else like aunts that are close to the bride and also close aunts etc. to the groom( unless his family hosts a shower). A shower is suppose to be intimate. So plan what you can afford. Oh yes, the bridal party should be invited along with the flowergirl and her mother( as long as there is no alcohol or intimate type gifts which would be inappropriate for children).
Tammy,
P.S. Remember as host you get to decide the budget and number of guests you can afford or due to limited space. The bride cannot set shower guidelines or be invloved in planning. She should only provide the guest list AFTER you state the number of guests you can afford and setting your budget.
My daughter and I aren’t invited to my new sister-in-law-to be’s shower. We were very hurt-especially when we found out another sister in law is invited!
Maybe there was a reason why you two were not invited. Ask. You have nothing to lose. If you don’t say anything, you will harbor ill will towards the future bride for years to come. Who wants to live w/those negative feelings inside. I say ask and get it out of your system. Otherwise, just get over it and move on. You’re still breathing. There are worse things that could happen to you and your daughter. Life is too short to sweat the small stuff.
@K&J,
I understand how you and your daughter would feel hurt by not receiving an invitation, perhaps there has been an error. I don’t see any harm in asking! :)