The Basics of Bridal Shower Etiquette
by Melanie Doetsch
While showers have evolved into something more relaxed in recent years, you should still know the basics of bridal shower etiquette to avoid a chance of offending anyone.
Since there will probably be disparate groups at the shower — friends, family and co-workers, usually — it's important to understand how everyone should interact. Especially in the case of family: mothers and grandmothers can place great weight on proper bridal shower etiquette, so make sure you know "the rules"!
The Maid of Honor's usually the person who plans and organizes the bridal shower. If she lives out of town, however, it's fine for someone else to do the honors.
Don't take over without checking with her, though. It's her privilege, and you should always ask her before assuming anything. If you're going to do it for her, make sure you keep her comfortably involved through frequent emails and phone calls.
Bridal shower etiquette traditionally says that a shower should take place at least four to six weeks before the wedding. This is just for practical reasons — the bride's going to be too busy any closer to the ceremony — but if she's coming home only two weeks before the wedding, talk to her and see how she feels about having a shower in her honor so close to the wedding. Chances are, she'll think that's fine if most of her friends can manage to come.
There's been an uncomfortable trend in recent years for large showers, where nearly everyone the bride knows gets an invite. This isn't quite what the bridal shower is supposed to be, though. At least by tradition, a bridal shower's meant to be a small, intimate gathering of the bride's closest friends and family. Proper etiquette dictates a group of no more than ten to twenty guests.
Who the guest list should include: the wedding party, the mothers of the bride and groom, sisters of the bride and groom, and the bride's closest friends and/or coworkers. Contrary to some recent practices, it probably shouldn't include every woman invited to the wedding.
Finally, bridal shower etiquette means making a special point of including the wedding party members ... and the mothers. Ask each of these people to take on some particular responsibility, whether it's recording a list of the givers as the gifts are opened, or running the party games. This will help everyone feel like a key part of this special day.
My son is engaged to a young lady who has only been in the area two years. I’m pretty sure that her sister will throw her a shower for the few friends and church people she knows. Her mother, aunts and cousins live across the country and probably wouldn’t be able to come for a shower.
My husband grew up in this area and has family who would like to come to a shower for her; also maybe some of my son’s friends from church who’ve known him a long time. Would it be acceptable for me to offer a shower for the groom’s side of the family and friends or not?
If not, should I suggest the closest to be invited to the one her sister throws? Or just leave the whole thing alone? I don’t think she would mind.
Jenny,
Usually both sides are invited to the shower, unless the grooms side is hosting their family, which the brides side is still thoughtfully invited. To make things easier just invite both sides and have one big shower. Rule of thumb: The hosts should make sure it fits their budget before doing this. All hosts should sit and discuss what can be afforded. I think what your doing is very thoughtful.
Thank you for your suggestions. I just spoke with my future daughter-in-law and she is fine with me throwing her the shower. Her sister has not mentioned throwing one.
It sounded like she has few enough people in the area to invite that we will do your idea of just having one big shower with everyone from both sides invited.
Thanks again.
If the maid of honor is the bride’s 16 year old sister is she expected to throw a shower for the bride? I thought that the bride’s mom and sisters are not supposed to. Also, if the extended family throws the bride a “family” shower are the bridesmaids and groom’s mom and sisters supposed to be invited to that? Thanks for any help.
Chelle,
The sister is to young, 18 being the proper age to host or contribute but still its the hosts decision to be a host, one should never feel obligated. She can choose to help decorate, make favors, etc. if she chooses. Proper etiquette says family is not suppose to host a shower but it is becoming more common since more families are choosing to host. Here in the South it iis very common. Yes, all the above mentioned would be invited to the shower. Ones included should be: bride/grooms mothers, grandmothers,closest friends to bride, any close aunts or cousins to both bride and groom, bridal party, flowergirl and her mother( if there will be no alcohol or “mature” gifts),any junior bridesmaids, sisters to both bride and groom.
So if we invite all the bridesmaids, groom’s mom and sisters to the bride’s side family shower there will be about 43 people invited. Have not heard that anyone else plans to throw the bride a shower. Is this too many? If so, who do we leave out? fyi, the groom’s sis purposely left the bride out of her own shower(“she didn’t want her to have to buy a gift”-really????) when they knew the engagement was coming and the wedding date had already been set for months. And the other sister hates the bride. What is the right thing to do if there really are too many to fit at the host’s house and the moh is too young to throw one herself? I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place.
Ann,
It is still good etiquette to invite grooms side but only the sisters, mothers, grandmothers, and anyone very close to the groom or bride…any close aunts. Gift giving is always optional. Even under the unfortunate prior circumstances, it is best to invite grooms side anyway, it will help keep the rifts from becoming larger, which is always the best foot to start on with two families merging. Include them in the guest list especially if they are on the wedding guest list because under the situation they may choose to decline. With the limited space, keep it immediate family and those absolutely closest to the couple.
I am having a major problem!!! I have a mother-in-law and sister-in-law who are making me feel awful about my bridal shower. They have been fighting me tooth and nail about having more than one bridal shower; when from the start I have stated that I really can only do one due to my work schedule and schedules of my bridal party. They have made me feel like a bad bride because I have asked to only do one and that my maid of honor really has it under control but would love help from anyone who would like to. I don’t know what to do because again they have completely just made me feel like a bad person and I have only tried to make it easy on all. Is it even proper for a bride to have more than one? Please HELP!!!
Angela,
Nowadays it is common to have more than one. It is not good to have more than 2 bridal showers, if you do not want more than one then you are within your rights to say so. However, its difficult for the bride to say due to others getting together and planning/hosting a shower for the bride. The bride does not help in the planning process except to draw up the guest list. They should never make you feel like your a bad bride for not wanting a bridal showers, this is a thoughtful event that is optional not mandatory. I would say thank you but I only want one since my beliefs are traditional. If you wish to take me out for manis and pedis then I am all for that. If work schedules are conflicting then there is nothing they can do. Tell them thank you but showers are not what the wedding means to you, its the wedding and the person you marry. Good luck!!
We are limited on space for our sons wedding. Is it acceptable to invite extended family members to a shower that aren’t getting wedding invite because there wasn’t enough space to include them?
nancy,
I have seen many brides face this dilemma. It is improper etiquette to invite anyone to the shower that is not on the wedding guest list.
I have a friend who is getting married in a month and I haven’t received a wedding invitation. I did, however, receive an invitation to her bridal tea a week ago. According to her FB page, it appears the wedding invites have been sent out. I’m assuming at this point I haven’t been invited to the wedding. Is it wrong for me to see it as rude to invite me to a wedding shower but not the actual wedding?
Kristen,
You should be on the wedding list as well. It is always improper etiquette to invite someone to the shower and not the wedding. But a tea is a different event, no gifts are necessary.
I am the MOG who just attended a lovely shower for my future daughter in law. Should I send a thank you card?
Ann, You do not have to send a thank you card but if you want to send a thank you card for the wonderful shower then go ahead. The card should be addressed to the shower hosts and anyone who contributed. Not only is it thoughtful but it will make their day for all the effort they put in!
What is the protocol for the gifts given to winners of the bridal shower games? Do the winners give the bride the gifts or are the gifts just for the winners? Or can they be a mix like a vase for the winners filled with wedding day emergency items like bandaids for the bride?
Karen,
This is a common issue that gets many confusing, misguided answers but bridal shower games are the same as with any type of game, the winner always keeps the prize.Unless, they alone choose to gift the bride with their prize. You could have a special treat added that every time a winner gets a prize the bride gets a gift, that would be a cute idea. The shower is hosted to “shower” the bride with gifts, the games and prizes are to entertain the guests and would become unnecessary if the prizes go to the bride. I agree with many wedding experts,I am also not sure how the tradition of giving the bride all the prizes but it is not polite to the guests.
Check out this wedding expert link here….
I’ll be attending my granddaughter’s bridal shower and have not been to one in a long time. Used to when a guest won a game prize, the guest would in turn give it to the bride. Is this no longer the case? Thanks to anyone for an answer.
The Gran
Betty,
It is a tradition most wedding experts are unsure how it got started but is considered impolite to the guests. They compare it to: Imagine playing a game or raffle in everyday life and winning a prize, say a TV. And the criteria was to give it to the host of the games. If the guest chooses to give their prize to the bride,there is no hard rule against it, just the guest should not feel obligated to do so. I hope this helps in your dilemma. For a similar answer and link look to the above comment to Karen. The link contains more info from other wedding experts. Thanks for writing in! Both you and Karen’s question will help others with the same issue.
My brother is getting married. He is having a very small ceremony with only 1 witness for each of them. The ceremony/dinner guest list is very small but they are planning to have a very large reception afterwards. (ceremony=40-50…reception=300+) I was planning to throw my soon to be sister-in-law a wedding shower, but now I am worried who I should/shouldn’t invite…or if it is even appropriate to have a shower at all. Can I invite guests to the shower that are not invited to the ceremony/dinner but are invited to the reception/dance? HELP!!!
Karen,
Since there will be a reception, you can host a shower but anyone on the shower guest list must be invited to the reception at least. So you are good to go!
I am invited to my stepson , future bride, bridal shower and I do not feel like going, because in my opinion bridal showers are very boring, selfish events. It is ok if I leave when she start opening the presents? How can avoid this event whithot hurting my stepson and husband feeling. I really like the bride, I just do not have patience to sit for hours while somebody open packages with pans and pots, help please
Eunice, It is a exciting time for the bride to open gifts but not always for the guests. You can leave if you wish but it may cause some hurt feelings. Is there an activity you could prepare during this time or help set up some things for the shower? If everything else has taken place and the gift opening is last, then you make your apologies and take your leave. You could also offer to help write down the names and type of gift for her thank you cards later, this will give you something to do while she opens gifts. This will go much faster if the bride has this all set up, also someone to dispose of the wrappings and bows or someone to load the gifts into the car. You could easily offer your services, any little distraction can help thru the gift opening process. I have been at showers and offered to setup food and drinks while the bride opened gifts( it is always a good time to do this because the bride is busy and a appointed crew can setup), in between the oohhhs and aahhhhs I would take a peek every now and then but duck back inside and finish setting up. By the time gifts were opened it was time to eat. This may be an option. Ask the bride is there anything you can you can do to help at gift opening. Nine out of ten there will be something that needs to be done.
My cousin is having a “Greenback Shower” for her daughter and wondered what the etiquette is for opening cards at the shower. She thought that her daughter should open actual gifts if someone should bring one and not open the cards from people that gifted money. Help!!! What would be appropriate? Thank you!
Tess,
Most brides choose to open everything. If you receive a gift card or cash, don’t say anything except “thank you for the gift”. And just say who its from. It is best to keep it as private as possible, not reading the personal messages til later, never aloud. Just glance at the name and thank them for their gift. There have been some guests that have asked( :faint:) what the bride got when she opened her cards and the brides have replied gift of money but never mentioned the amount.
My finance’s brother’s wife is planning a “shower” for me a few weeks before my wedding. I told her politely on several occasions that I did not want a shower because we were having a destination wedding that everyone was already going out of their way for etc…the odd thing is that she is not attending the wedding and is keeping my fiancé’s 3 nephews/niece home. We’ve been told a new excuse every week for two months even though they knew 8 mo ago…she and the kids will be the only ones not there in both our families. The excuses don’t hold water & it’s obvious that she’s forcing this shower so no one can look poorly on her. The problem is this…I told her I’m already a mess, that my family & friends would not be able to attend, & that i did NOT want it. but she refused to honor my wishes & didn’t communicate with me until an email 4 days before. It’s been two months since I repeatedly told her no! Now I’m under an insane amount of stress with planning a destination wedding w/ 40 people, getting caught up at work since I’ll be gone etc…and now I have to show up & put a smile on somehow! All of this just to make her feel “okay” for missing the wedding…if I say no for the 50th time it’s going to make things worse! Also, we go to 95% of her 3 kids soccar games, recitals, christenings etc…& have for 7 years! So it’s hard to look forward to this as something for me when it’s clearly to save face to keep her “perfect” persona since she isnt attending. We know her reasons are a joke, everone is shocked by this…her husband (my fiancé’s brother) is going since he’s the best man, but honestly this whole thing has been hurtful & unnecessary…I refuse to be rude & I never have been with his family, but they are a strange bunch unfortunately…his mom has called twice in one week to tell us how much of an inconvenience the wedding is…even though we asked 40 people almost a year ago if it was an issue so we didn’t start moving forward etc…then a month before my wedding it’s all crumbling! I heard her tell my fiancé that she “guessed they were HAVING to throw a shower & complained about buying a gift! WE are paying for everything ourselves so she isn’t spending a dime on “gifts”, nor has she even pretended to be interested in anything wedding related! We are the youngest in our families & both sides parents paid for everyone’s weddings (& divorces) while we’ve not asked for a cent! Now I’m supposed to show up in a few days with all this and act happy & greatfull??? They’ve not been involved AT all to this point! It’s a little late to feign interest now! Sorry this is so long, but I really don’t know how to handle this! My family is really far away and are appalled by his families behavior but they’re going to be together at our wedding so all I want to do is keep the peace but I’m a wreck! Not to mention my sister on the other side of the country wanted to plan a shower months ago and I told her no too and she respected that! Now she’s FURIOUS that they’re up to this! How do I keep everything copacetic????
Shelley,
You said you are having a destination wedding. Actually, with a destination wedding, if you are not having a post reception, then a shower is considered improper. Only those invited to the wedding should be invited to the shower and then only those closest to the bride should be invited, which the bride draws up a guest list for the event. ( This may be the way you can get out of it.) If the shower is only a few days away and the invites have been sent out, it will make it difficult, still you can choose not to go but it may result in permanent relationship damages. All invites regardless if its to showers, weddings, or other events are at the option of the guest. Noone should ever make another feel obligated to attend an event,sadly, it happens so much today in events and can cause conflict. The hosts should have honored your wishes because this can make the bride uncomfortable. Sometimes, even though the circumstances are less than favorable, I have heard brides going through with the shower, knowing it will only last a couple hours. Hope this helps.
So if you go with a “theme” shower. Do the gifts reflect the theme too? Like gifts for the cruise?
Deb,
Absolutely! is a fun way to do the shower/gifts. Like a honeymoon registry is a great place to start. The guests could choose any items on the couples registry, like massages for two, a dance lesson, etc. Can also have a registry for “cruise” related items too. If its a Hawaii honeymoon, the theme could be “luau”.
Some tips..
More tips…
cruise theme tips
How cruise worthy is this decor! Simple, Love it…
If the couple wish they can register at any of the following: Honeyfund.com, Honeymoonwishes.com, thehoneymoon.com, etc. For more just google search honeymoon registry and it will give loads of links.
I am maid on honor for couple who are getting married for the second time. The man is acting way more practical about the situation. I want to give a “bridal shower” but nothing too big or showy. Do you have ideas?
Deb,
What kind of venue will you be using? if you have a ic or link I could take a look to see what would work. Also what is their theme? Can usually find a way to tie it in, also the honeymoon is always a good theme for shower.
Hi! I was invited to a bridal shower yesterday for my uncle’s girlfriend’s son’s fiance (my uncle and his girlfriend have been together for 20+ years but have never gotten married). I chose not to go because I have never met her before and I have not seen my uncle’s girlfriend’s son in probably 15 years! My mom and my grandma are mad at me for not going and I just think that a bridal shower is for close friends and family of the bride and I am not sure why I was invited in the first place. Should I have gone?
Melissa,
It was completely your choice to accept or decline. You should never feel pressured or obligated to go. In this situation it is a nice gesture to send a card congratulating and thanking them for the invite but you wont be able to make it to the shower. This is always enough. But if you didn’t no biggie. And you are right most showers are for the ones close to the bride. Hope this helps.
I have a close friend who is 61 and her fiance is 75. Her first marriage, his second. He sold his home and moved in with her. She says she really doesn’t need anything and wonders if a shower would be appropriate. Maybe just a
personal shower or even an engagement party? What is proper?
Helen,
Either would be fine. Will they be having a honeymoon? A honeymoon shower with the theme of their destination is always fun! You can google search honeymoon registry and it will list some great links. They could register there and sign up for couple massages, or other activity. Another idea is a spa day, grab all the gals and head off to a spa. Everyone can pay their own way, there are usually refreshments or a light lunch, so this makes it less hassle. For the bride, if there is a bridal party or a MOH she can gift the bride with spa certificates or her spa day expenses. Third is the mani and pedis, this can be done the same way as the spa day, then go out to a intimate lunch or dinner. Wanna give her a gift? Anyone can pitch in on a beautiful nightgown set for her honeymoon. Here is some sample invite wording….
Let’s Do Brunch! or Wanna Do Brunch? or Lets Get together for brunch to celebrate with Bride to Be ( Insert Name) on her upcoming wedding!
Date, Time, Location
Brunch Buffet $15 per person ( beverages included) for those who wish to attend.
Please RSVP so we can save your spot! Hope to see you there!! No gifts please.
Contact information:
( Just change the wording as necessary). Another idea just hit me. If they are not having a traditional honeymoon, you could easily set up a weekend getaway at a cozy B&B somewhere quiet. You can easily get others to pitch in if they wish. What a surprise this would be!! A great start to a new beginning!
I hope you can help me. I have been invited to my sister-in-law’s bridal shower, but I’m pretty sure that she, her mother, everyone else, doesn’t like me or want me there. I am also certain that there is no way I can politely decline the invitation without my husband’s family whispering about how rude I am behind my back at the next 5 Thanksgivings. I really feel unwelcome but expected at the same time. Is there any way to gracefully avoid this event?
Gracie,
I completely understand. You are not obligated to send a gift if you do not attend. You could always send one with a gift anyway, extend your apologies due to prior commitments, thank her, and wish her well. Keep it short and sweet, to the point. To many details in the regret will look suspicious to them. I hope these tips help. You are not required to attend the event, even if it is family.
Great tips here…
My significant other of 6 and a half years has an ex who tries to stonewall me at every turn. His sister-in-law (his family) threw a bridal shower for his daughter. His ex and her family were invited and I was not only not invited but neither of us were even informed of the event. We found out about it from the bride the night before the event. I politely asked his sister-in-law why I was not invited, if it was a mistake and was told that my presence would make his ex and her family uncomfortable so I was not invited but that no slight was intended. I think this is a slight? I should say that we will, in all likelyhood, marry at some point. Ours is a serious relationship and I am a quiet, modest guest at events, not a troublemaker.
Faye,
I am sorry to hear this is happening. It is a tough place to be in. This is something that your significant other needs to discuss with the family. If they are not willing to include you because of the ex and the ex’s family, clearly some boundaries need to be set. I have been in a similar situation before and it is tough because out of the jealousy, the spite the ex can cause. Although it is easier said than done, from personal experience, I just held on to my relationship working at it with all effort and disregarded the efforts of the ex. If it gets to a dangerous level you may have to seek legal advice. There were also his small children from a previous marriage caught in my situation. I do find this odd that they have not considered your feelings since you are “a part of the family”. Some do avoid inviting others to avoid any tension but you should have been invited above an ex. I would first talk to my significant other and then he can talk with the family about the awkwardness of this situation. His family and the ex’s family are friends are at peace and it is better than conflict but when it gets in the way of his new relationship then its time to deal with it before it affects your relationship. I hope this helps.
My sister (MOH) is hosting a bridal shower for me along with some other family members which I know is faux pas but they wouldn’t take no for an answer. I have to travel cross country back to my home town for the shower also as I am the only one who lives on the west coast and they are all east coasters. The aunts want to add guests who are not on my wedding guest list and also are pressuring me into a date that doesn’t work for me. My sister is happy to host it alone and she is my MOH so I think that’s the proper thing, so… do I stand my ground on guest list and date? Or is it rude for me to not bend as they are wanting to host?
Veronica,
There are actually some things going on here that is against proper etiquette. One: shower guests should also be invited to wedding. Two: pressuring the bride about a date that doesn’t work. Hosts should thoughtfully consider the best date for the bride, especially since you will need to make travel arrangements.
I support your decision for the MOH to host it, she should set a budget and guest number she can comfortably afford. A shower should be intimate, usually no more than 30 guests. The bride should make the guest list or sit down and discuss guest list with MOH. Those invited should be: mothers, grandmothers, sisters, any close aunts to the bride and groom, flower girl( if age appropriate shower) and her mother; bridal party, and the closest friends of the bride. If you see time nor finances permit to go home for the shower, one option is: Shower in a Box. Here is the tips…
( Most who do this type of shower, chooses a gift card theme. Nowadays with couples already setting up home, have everything they need, so traditional gifts like in past days are already owned. So the bride still registers, just in gift cards. Another growing trend is the honeymoon shower ( google honeymoon registry).
Example Wording options:
Your presence is the greatest gift of all. However, should you wish to honor the bride with a gift, in lieu of traditional gifts the bride has chosen a honeymoon registry at Traveler’s Joy (Or list personal honeymoon link) where you can make a contribution to help the couple make a honeymoon memory that will last a lifetime. The bride has also registered and welcomes gift cards from the following stores….
Second option: Or in lieu of traditional gifts the( couple or bride) has chosen to register at the following places…
Honeyfund is a good website.
Loads of good info…
Just wanted to throw in some extra shower options that may help a long distance bride.
Thank you so much! I was afraid I was being ungrateful but I am glad that you agreed that what the aunts are doing isn’t appropriate. I will let my sister/MOH take over from here and she is great at delegating tasks and letting the aunts know that their participation is welcome but that their demands are not. Whew!
Hello! I already posted this in your “Money Tree” section, but I believe I should have posted it here.
I just read above about how it’s wrong to ask guests to pay for their own meal at an event. However, what if you were just organizing everyone going to a brunch as a “mixer event” and there are NO gifts so it’s not really a “Shower”?
Instead of a Bridal Shower with gifts, we were thinking of having a super fancy Ladies Brunch w/ NO gifts. Yet, I’m still concerned.
Do you think that people will scoff at an invite that says “Ladies Brunch in honor of bride to be – $35 / no gifts” as it could sound too much like the same thing as asking for cash instead of physical gifts on a wedding invite?
Our head count is nearly 60 guests and way to high to put that much of a financial burden on my mom & sisters and we are also having a very hard time with finding a house to have our function at which was the other reason that prompted this idea. We are all very close and down to earth people, but these things could ruffle feathers with my aunts or friends of my mother in law to be. I am 40 years old and my sisters want something nice for me (bless their hearts). My “Bridal Brunch” is Sat. April 28th. Help!
Rita,
If there are traditional “hosts” then it is the hosts responsibility to pay for the meals and drinks. These types of events are meant to be intimate with around 20-30 guests or less. It can consist of nothing more than juice, coffee, and pasties. Is there a nice location with a wonderful buffet? Or have a BBQ or fun get together, even with nibbles and beverages.
You could have invites ay something like: Please join us for a Ladies Brunch Date, Time, Location. RSVP and contact info. No gifts please.
Or this( which I actually prefer and the route I would go). If I received this invite, I would think guests are responsible for their own meal and would not consider it improper at all…
Let’s Do Brunch! or Wanna Do Brunch? or Lets Get together for brunch to celebrate with Bride to Be ( Insert Name) on her upcoming wedding!
Date, Time, Location
Brunch Buffet $15 per person ( beverages included) for those who wish to attend.
Please RSVP so we can save your spot! Hope to see you there!! No gifts please.
Contact information:
Hope this helps!!
This is PERFECT! Thank you so much for the advice! Our situation is kind of unique because I opted not to have a bridal court (too many sisters & friends / don’t want to hurt feelings) nor do I even have an official “Maid Of Honor”. I have asked my mom if she would like to stand up at the altar “as my MOH” as I walk down the aisle (solo) and she is delighted to do so. But I did it this way because I didn’t want to put a load of responsibility on her as she has already done so much just being mom. Knowing this, my sister Gina has stepped up as an event coordinator and she has been fantastic! I am extremely grateful. But as we tried to plan things, a few ediquite questions arrose… and your support really helped put us back on track! Long story short, we are going to go with what you put down second and maybe even doing it as an e-vite will make it not seem as much like a Shower Invite, but more like organizing just getting together for brunch. Thanks again! ~Rita
Rita,
It was my pleasure, glad it helped! Wish you all the best!
Hello,
Following proper bridal shower etiquette is very important to me and I don’t know how to resolve this dilemma. My father’s family is very large, and I’d like to invite the aunts I am closest to, but I don’t feel comfortable inviting some but not all the aunts. The family is very close, and I guarantee the aunts not invited will find out about the shower. Do I risk hurting feelings and snub the other aunts? I feel like it’s an “all or nothing” situation.
Thank you very much for your assistance.
Amanda,
I can see your concern. You are not required to invite all the aunts. A shower is meant to be an intimate event with around 30 guests. What I would do is make my guest list, give it to the shower hosts because the budget and decide how many guests they can afford, which may end up cutting the guest list. A bride should always invite those closest to her, also, all shower guests should also be on the wedding guest list as well.
If the sister of the groom clearly hates the bride (and all the bride’s family and friends) is it improper to not invite her to any showers?
Chelle,
This is a difficult situation especially since she is the groom’s sister but I can’t see why she would want to attend, even with an invitation, under the circumstances. You could send her an invite, which I have heard most brides do in a similar case, just to be the civil person. Likely, if she is invited showers, she will not show due to how she feels. Will her presence there make the bride feel unhappy or uncomfy? Will the sister of the groom stir trouble? If so, then I would not include her on the guest list, you do not need a guest who is likely to disrupt the day. I am not sure if she is on the wedding guest list, am thinking she is, so it is really up the bride how she feel, since she makes the shower guest list. The other downside is, if she is excluded from showers it can cause a greater rift. Showers are meant to be intimate, usually no more than 30 guests and guest list consist of: closest friends to the bride,mothers, sisters, close aunts, and grandmothers on both sides; flowergirl/mother( if shower is age appropriate), bridal party, and other female attendants etc. But technically those “closest” to the bride. Hope this helps.
I am helping with the planning of my best friend’s bridal shower
We are thinking a brunch, how do you say on invite that it’s up to
Everyone to buy their own food… We just don’t have the funds to
Pay for everyone? Or are we suppose to pay?
Kay,
Inviting guests to a event should never be asked to pay for their own food. It is the sole financial responsibility of the shower hosts to be able to cover all costs. The hosts should always sit down and discuss a budget to what they can afford, including cutting guest list to people they can afford and stick within budget.
Serving inexpensive foods such as: cake/cupcakes, veggie trays, sandwiches, nuts, breads, cheese. Will serve for a beautiful shower and still be within a budget. Some showers serve just donuts, coffee cake, coffee. Brunch can be inexpensive and you do not need trays of different items. I went to a shower with coffeecake, donuts, and coffee and it reminded me of a coffeeshop, it was amazing. It was decorated in such a a warm inviting way, with soft music playing. Showers are suppose to be intimate, inviting those closest to the bride including bride and grooms immediate female relatives. Mothers, grandmothers, sisters, closest friends, also include flower girl and mother( if shower is age appropriate, not a lingerie shower etc.). Hope this helps! I know the shower will be beautiful and meaningful!
Source….
Hey! I am in a intense battle with my overbearing Mother-in-Law who is trampling all over my bridal parties good intentions. She is also insisting traditionally the mother of the groom hosts… well – everything, other than the wedding. How do I politely let her know that any leancy is a priviledge not a right as his mother? He is an only child and she often argues she only gets to do this once… On top of that she refuses to include my mother on anything she does in secret… claiming its a ‘surprise’ and has several times made jabs about my mothers finanes. I want to keep the peace, but I don’t want everyone else to suffer through her behaviour. Help!
Melanie,
It is more acceptable now that mothers can, if there is noone else, but etiquette actually states that family members are not suppose to host the bridal shower( which is an optional event)etc.
At The Knot: What duties fall under the MOG’s jurisdiction?
A. Typically, the bride is in charge of assigning tasks, and the degree of mom-involvement should be left to her discretion. You can take over any of the wedding-planning responsibilities, once you get the go-ahead from the bride.
Many times the MOG can host a bridal tea or brunch, to get better acquainted. If she wants to host one, she can for her side of the family. It may be best to have the groom to talk to her but if that is not an option, you can step in and tell her that her intentions are meaningful to you but “traditionally”, etiquette states that only the friends of the bride are supposed to host a shower because it is considered inappropriate for the family to asks for gifts and tradition in those areas mean alot to you. Understandable, She wants to be a part of the team but it is actually up to the bridal shower hosts to include her or not. I am assuming they are not happy with the situation. A MOG can offer to help but that is about it, she cannot and should not over step boundaries with the planning process or the couples decisions. Are there some things in the wedding to make her feel included? Like addressing envelopes etc.? She must realize that the love for her son and his special day holds just as much meaning for your mother and I would say I am not pleased with the disrespect towards my mother because it is just as important to her and hurtful to both of us as well. That your wedding is meant to be a joyous celebration with true meaning being why you both are getting married. Being the groom is an only child makes it more sensitive so he may need to explain to her, that her offers of help are appreciated but everything is under control and wish nothing more than her to be able to relax and celebrate the wonderful day. As a last resort,it may be best that the bridal shower hosts plan in “private” not offering any info, if there is time they can start all over, making sure to have no “leaked” info. Meet in places and times that MOG will not know. it is sad to have to think about this but sometimes it may be necessary.
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One of my best Friends from high school is getting married, and I cannot make the shower. The MOH decided on a date, months from now, with everyone else and me being far away they did not even consider me. They are asking me to pay about $350 for the shower, one which I cannot attend, and that they know I cannot attend. What is the proper etiquette for this situation?
Lula,
Since the shower is an optional event,the bridesmaids have the right to opt out. Since you are not attending, you do not have to split costs. It is improper for someone to make you feel obligated. One should never assume all the bridesmaids can afford or want to be involved in the bridal shower. All of this should be discussed prior to any shower planning. Since they did not consider you, then asking for money, is impolite on many levels. Sadly, this is happening in many events.
Source
May daughter is getting married and we have a limited budget for the reception. We have limited her to having 100 guest. This means that alot of the extended family will not be invited to the wedding to make room for their friends. What is the etiquette for inviting those family members to her wedding shower that will not be invited to the wedding?
thanks
DeLynn,
Guests invited to the shower should also be on the wedding guest list. All female wedding guests do not have to be invited to shower. The shower is meantto be a party for those closest to the bride to be invited which include: bridal party, both mothers, any grandmothers, sisters, flower girl( unless is not age appropriate with drinking or lingerie party), and her closest friends. A shower should never exceed 35 guests, it is meant to be an intimate small gathering.
My niece is getting married and her sister is the maid of honor. My niece is insisting that the bridal shower be held at a restaurant for 60 guests. The MOH wants the bridesmaids to split the costs equally but is choosing a more expensive menu than necessary. The bridesmaids are also sharing the expense of the favors, cake, centerpieces, invitations, etc. Is it wrong not to help pay for the location/food for the shower? BTW, the bride’s younger sister is a junior bridesmaid and the bride’s mother doesn’t feel she should share in the shower expense.
Karly, Glad you wrote in,there is alot of improper etiquette happening here.
Junior Bridesmaids are not expected or suppose to throw or pay for bridal showers under any circumstances. Depending on her age,she should be invited to the shower and can help decorate, make favors, or clean up if she wishes. The bridal party always has the choice to pay or host a bridal shower( showers are optional events) and the bride should not be involved in shower plans other than guest list and available date info. The hosts get to decide the budget, shower type, and guest number they can afford( they have the right to trim list to meet budget). Bride can be made aware of the number of guests that can be afforded. Also, if someone wants to add “extra guests”to the hosts set guest list, then that person assumes those guests expenses, which the hosts are not responsible.
Bridal showers are meant to be an intimate gathering( about 25- 35 guests) of the bride and grooms side: mothers, grandmothers, any sisters, bridal party, flowergirl( as long as its age appropriate), and brides closest friends.
More info from other wedding experts…
* who pays for the shower?
* Jr. Bridesmaid question
* bridesmaids splitting the bill for restaurant bridal shower
* out-of-control bride & groom
Hope these have helped as well.
I’ve been invited to a bridal shower that will cost me $40 a plate for the food, in addition to the gift. This seems tacky. Thoughts?
Sharon,
This is not acceptable. The guests are not suppose to be paying for their own food. Highly improper etiquette. The shower should be planned within the hosts budget. It is compared to asking them to pay for their meal at the wedding. If the hosts cannot pay for the restaurant shower expenses, they should consider something that fits within their budget.
One example from the knot:
Bridal Shower: Who Pays for Bridal Shower Food?
Q.
My maid of honor (and my only attendant) wants to throw me a wedding shower at a restaurant, and she expects the bridal shower guests to pay for their meals. I told her I would rather have the shower at someone’s house with cake and snacks. She said she wants to have it where we can be waited on, which is fine, but my friends would have to pay to attend my bridal shower! How can I handle this without hurting her feelings? She is very sensitive.
A.
It’s nice of you to respect her feelings, but she’s a little out of control, and she’s risking offending people close to you! Guests should never pay for their meals at any party they are invited to, and you need to make that clear to her — if she insists on having the shower at a restaurant, she’ll have to pay for the food! Don’t let your MOH hold you hostage; tell her you know she’s got great intentions, but she just can’t do things this way! One more suggestion: If you’re freaked about talking to her directly (though you should try to), ask your mother if she can reason with your MOH.
source …
I’m having a couples wedding shower-my goal is Fun and relaxed- I’v seen some great ideas but would love some help! also- is there proper “etiquette” to ask for money instead of gifts? or at least a nice way to ask?
Leslie,
Try the site Hostess with the Mostess. It has some great ideas for bridal showers etc. You will find some great visuals as well. There is never a polite way to ask for money gifts. You could consider a gift certificate theme. The couple can even register at fave places.
Try this search ….
take a look at this …
Here’s some more etiquette advice ( Be prepared for some mixed reactions and some guests will choose traditional style gifts. The couple or bride should register for gift cards and traditional registry to cater to all tastes)
As mother of the groom, am I obligated to bring or send a gift to all showers that I have been invited to, whether I attend or not?
Fran,
Guests who cannot attend are not obligated to send a gift, though family and friends still may want too. It is your choice.
Hi,
I am helping out with a shower for my niece in NY, she will be flying in from Il.. How should we word that in lieu of gifts a gift card to one of the stores she is registered at or a gift to their honeymoon paypal account would be appreciated?
Kim
Kim, Have wording like: Please join us for a Bridal Shower honoring Brides name on Date at Time Location. ( Kim you can also make it more Gift card themed by saying: Please join us for a Gift Card/Honeymoon Bridal Shower honoring Brides name etc) You could have the a honeymoon theme shower add touches of where they are going, for example: Hawaii give leis and add the theme to the shower. )
Your presence is the greatest gift of all. However, should you wish to honor the bride with a gift, in lieu of traditional gifts the bride has chosen a honeymoon registry at Traveler’s Joy (Or list personal honeymoon link) where you can make a contribution to help the couple make a honeymoon memory that will last a lifetime. The bride has also registered and welcomes gift cards from the following stores….