The Basics of Bridal Shower Etiquette
by Melanie Doetsch
While showers have evolved into something more relaxed in recent years, you should still know the basics of bridal shower etiquette to avoid a chance of offending anyone.
Since there will probably be disparate groups at the shower — friends, family and co-workers, usually — it's important to understand how everyone should interact. Especially in the case of family: mothers and grandmothers can place great weight on proper bridal shower etiquette, so make sure you know "the rules"!
The Maid of Honor's usually the person who plans and organizes the bridal shower. If she lives out of town, however, it's fine for someone else to do the honors.
Don't take over without checking with her, though. It's her privilege, and you should always ask her before assuming anything. If you're going to do it for her, make sure you keep her comfortably involved through frequent emails and phone calls.
Bridal shower etiquette traditionally says that a shower should take place at least four to six weeks before the wedding. This is just for practical reasons — the bride's going to be too busy any closer to the ceremony — but if she's coming home only two weeks before the wedding, talk to her and see how she feels about having a shower in her honor so close to the wedding. Chances are, she'll think that's fine if most of her friends can manage to come.
There's been an uncomfortable trend in recent years for large showers, where nearly everyone the bride knows gets an invite. This isn't quite what the bridal shower is supposed to be, though. At least by tradition, a bridal shower's meant to be a small, intimate gathering of the bride's closest friends and family. Proper etiquette dictates a group of no more than ten to twenty guests.
Who the guest list should include: the wedding party, the mothers of the bride and groom, sisters of the bride and groom, and the bride's closest friends and/or coworkers. Contrary to some recent practices, it probably shouldn't include every woman invited to the wedding.
Finally, bridal shower etiquette means making a special point of including the wedding party members ... and the mothers. Ask each of these people to take on some particular responsibility, whether it's recording a list of the givers as the gifts are opened, or running the party games. This will help everyone feel like a key part of this special day.
Angela: Absolutely. This happens all the time in the circumstances you’ve described. It’s incredibly thoughtful for a bride’s hometown friends to do this for her, even if she can’t get back home in time to attend it personally.
Jennie: With a lot of communication, this situation should be fine. Although some of us have huge families, the person hosting the shower is limited to their space and resources, which might not accommodate everyone. So if you can’t shrink your list to fit a party for 20, having two is a great solution.
It sounds like the ground is cleared for this already since your FSIL offered to hold one. It is actually a service that you’re not inviting the same people to two showers. No matter what you say, that puts them in an awkward position regarding gifts (do they give two, or show up empty-handed for one of the events?).
Just make it clear that you find your FSIL’s offer of a second shower a very kind gesture, and you greatly appreciate her making it possible to include the groom’s side of the family. If possible, however, your aunt’s shower should take place first.
Finally, although it may be a bit late for an official engagement party, you may want to host an informal get-together of your own so both sides of the family can enjoy some time together before the wedding.
I need some help! My aunt is hosting a bridal shower for me next month and informed me that she can only accommodate 20 people at her house. Both my family and my fiance’s family are large–just MY closest female family and friends is about 20 people. Since my fiance’s sister is also hosting a separate shower for me, my aunt wants to invite only my fiance’s mother and not any of his sisters (he has six!). My mom is absolutely livid about this and thinks it’s awful to hurt my future sister-in-laws feelings by telling them they’re not invited to our side’s shower. What should we do? Since there will be two showers, is it ok to have the grooms family at one and the bride’s family at the other? Any advise would be appreciated.
What does etiquette indicate about having a shower for a future bride who lives out of town and wouldn’t be able to attend the shower? The bridge moved several years ago and no longer lives close to relatives. Would it be okay to host a shower in her honor for close relatives and send the gifts to the bride?
Dorothy:
This is precisely why the shower should NOT be hosted by the bride, the bride’s mother, or any family member in any capacity (including exes). The shower should be hosted by the bride’s closest friends, aka the MOH and the bridesmaids, even if that means having a very simple, inexpensive party.
Aside from the etiquette issue, I don’t understand why your husband’s ex-wife would hold a shower for this couple. I assume your husband’s nephew is not related to her. But that aside, if the shower was being hosted by friends as it should be, they could invite you both, and then you could decide as adults whether or not to come.
In this case, etiquette is obviously a distant consideration, and the party almost seems like a way to generate more grudges. Still, I wouldn’t sweat it. The important thing is that you are going to the wedding, and she is invited as well, and if she chooses not to attend, that’s her choice.
If you can handle going regardless of whether she’s there or not, more power to you. The more you take the high road, the easier over the long term things will be. Your relationship with your husband will benefit, too.
My husband is divorced and his nephew is getting married. I am his new wife. Well, his ex wife said she would give the bridal shower. Since the mother and grandmother aren’t suppose to. However, my husbands, mother called and told me I wasn’t invited and not to get my feelings hurt.
This is not the first slight I have had in this family, but i think it will be my last. His ex wife has come out and said she hates me. The children know she hates me. And she said she will not be attending the wedding because, David her ex husband will be there.
This all sounds crazy…..and it has caused a major rift…. Help
Heidi, you want to send them early enough so people can avoid schedule conflicts, but not so early they forget about it. About four weeks ahead of time is customary.
How far in advance do we send out the shower invites? 2 weeks, 4 weeks, etc.?
Denise, a workplace shower is a special case where you’re not obligated to bring a gift. But if you want to, maybe you can pool resources with other coworkers to buy a group gift, at low cost to you all.
not sure, a bridal shower gift shouldn’t be nearly as expensive as a wedding gift. If you want to buy off the registry for the shower, hopefully you’ll find a variety of items listed on the lower end of the cost spectrum. But there’s no obligation to buy off the registry for a shower.
Really, the shower should be a fairly intimate event involving close friends of the bride, so something personal (whether it came from the registry or not) would be nice.
My boyfriends sister is having a wedding shower which I am invited to. I have no clue what kind of gift to bring though. The invitations came with info on where she is registered but it’s the same registry as for the wedding itself. Am I supposed to bring a gift that is more personal like just for the bride and not like dishes? Or should I just stick with the same things that I would bring to her wedding? And do I then bring another similar gift to the wedding also?
I previously attended a friend’s bridal shower. I took her a nice gift. Then co-workers where we work are having another shower for her that I didn’t know about earlier. What is proper gift-wise? Do I show up with another gift? If so, how much do I spend? Or do I just bring a card? This is confusing. I will be attending the wedding also coming up and will be giving her a gift. Help!
Dee and Confused, you’ll be happy to know there’s no expectation that you send a bridal shower gift if you aren’t attending the shower. It IS considered good etiquette to send a wedding gift if you’ve been invited to the main event and can’t attend … but this courtesy doesn’t extend to a bridal shower. You can of course send your most sincere well-wishes for their future together.
Amy, it’s traditional to bring a gift to the shower, but it’s not traditional to go into debt and live off top ramen for a month to do so. So only worry about getting a gift you can afford.
A.L., that’s a tricky situation that can cause hurt feelings. It’s difficult for most people to invite all their office colleages to their weddings. As a result, it isn’t uncommon for office friends to throw a shower knowing that they may not be invited to the wedding. However, the bride really needs to communicate the limits of her guest list ahead of time, or there will probably be misunderstandings.
Amanda, it’s still customary for a bridesmaid or MOH to give the bride a shower gift (and wedding gift) even if they are paying to host the shower. Not a cheap proposition!
I have a question. I live in Scotland, my best friend lives in Texas, she is getting married in November, so far I have received two innvitations to her bridal showers, however on had passed by the time I received the invitation. So my questions are – what is the usual amount people spend on bridal shower gifts? Is it terribly rude for me to send gifts late? Am I expected to send gifts? I will be attending the wedding and plan to spend a fair amount on the wedding gift, as is customary in Scotland. Please Help!!!!!
I live in Illinois and I have an invitation to a wedding shower in Michigan which I cannot get to. Am I expected to look up the bridal registry and send a gift for the shower even though I cannot attend it? I will attend the wedding in December. Thank you.
Dee Barua
There is a co-worker of mine getting married. She’s a nice person and I’ve always gotten along with her very well. She had a bridal shower in which all of us (on the leadersip team – about 13 ladies) was invited to. I attended and bought her a really nice gift. As the wedding date is drawing near, I’m finding out that some of us did not get invitations to the wedding – including myself. I’m not going to make a big deal about it…if that is her wishes I will accept that. My question is: Should the bride-to-be not invite individuals to the shower if they are not going to be invited to the wedding?
I was invited to a wedding and the bridal shower. It’s a friend of mine. I don’t have a lot of money. Do I have to bring a gift for the shower and the wedding? Can I split the gift between the two? Thanks!
if a bridal shower guest listens to her headset to a ballgame all thru the shower should someone say sometghing to her or just let it go
I am confused. I have mailed wedding presents to the bride’s home for the wedding. What do I bring to the shower? Are the presents for the shower and then do I give money at the wedding?
I can’t seem to find the answer to this question anywhere! If you are throwing the bride her bridal shower, which you can barely afford to begin with and the bride is well aware of your financial situation, do you bring a gift as well? I was told giving her the shower IS her gift. What’s proper? Thanks a bunch!
How do you react to an aunt that attends your bridal shower but has her headset on listening to a baseball game during the entire shower??!!
My mother is livid and wants to say something to her sister but I said just let it go altho I can’t believe she was that rude! Some of my friends thought she was disabled and had some type of hearing device hooked up when they found out what it really was they were as shocked as we were! I don’t want my mom and aunt to have a disagreement but am afraid it is going to take place
is it ok these days for the father of the bride to be at the wedding shower?
Vicki — gray area, I think. Strict etiquette would seem to dictate that you don’t invite anyone to the shower who can’t come to the wedding. But in reality, some couples can only afford (or just want) a very small wedding, yet their friends and relatives still want to celebrate with them. Work is the classic example: people like to throw showers for their work friends, but that doesn’t mean everyone in accounting gets invited to the wedding.
I think the way to invite a larger pool of people in this situation — where only a few will attend the wedding — is to take the focus off gifts and just say a party or a celebration for the bride. Close family members and friends can still give gifts. I’d love to hear what other people think.
Lisa — absolutely. It’s very kind of you to do this for this couple. It’s also thoughtful to mail the gifts to the couple’s final destination after the shower so they don’t have to worry about schlepping them through the airport when the wedding’s over (if applicable).
Rachel — it’s customary (though not required, obviously) for the MOH or whoever’s throwing the shower to include registry info in the bridal shower invite. The goal is to avoid the potential tack factor of forcing the bride to include the registry info in the actual invitations (not that we’d ever do that, right??). Perhaps the best strategy of all is word-of-mouth, but that’s not always easy these days. Another slightly-subtle option: add the couple’s web site instead, which includes a tasteful page on their registry info.
Ashley — It’s customary for the MOH to give the shower, but there’s no rule that says another close family member can’t do it if she’s willing to give over the reins. They should always check with the MOH first to avoid mix-ups. Maybe the larger question is, is your MIL bringing up a pure question of etiquette, or does she want to play a larger role in the pre-wedding parties? If the latter, see if there’s a way to involve her.
Deb — I don’t think there’s any magic cutoff age, but it’s probably more common for friends to just take an older bride out for a celebratory dinner rather than try to equip her for a household she’s long had under control. What does everyone else think?
I am hosting a shower for a bride who is having a very small wedding. Close friends (no spouses invited) and family. The bride and groom are also already living together. What is the etiquette for hosting this shower? Do you invite people who are not invited to the wedding? Are guests still expected to bring gifts to the shower?
I am hosting a bridal shower and would like to know what the etiquette rules are as far as gifts goes. It’s a women only shower, but the bride would really like to wait to open her gifts with her fiance’. Does etiquette dictate that the gifts must be opened at the bridal shower. The venue where we are holding the shower is a small room in a restaurant. What to do? What to do?
I just got an invitation to a bridal shower and it lists where the bride is registered. This seems extremely tacky to me. What do you think?
my nephew is in the military. he and his fiance’ got married two weeks ago. i and a friend want to host a wedding shower. however, they live out of state (both are in the military). is it proper etiquette to have a shower w/o the bride and/or groom to be there. a friend suggested we put photos of my nephew and his bride up. i would like for the bride to fly in for the shower, but due to work and schooling she doesn’t think she can get in. is it proper to have a bridal shower? thank you
When is one too old to be given a bridal shower for a first time bride?
Hi, We’re not sure how to write out the shower invitation to our guests.
The bride to be has everthing she needs and established. How do we
let the guests know to give money instead?
Is it appropriate for the brides family to hold a shower for the brides relatives and close friends only? The mother of the groom and his sister would be invitef of course. The grooms mother wants one big shower including both families. Is it proper to ask them to have a separate shower for the grooms side of the family?
I have a question. I have always been brought up that if you are invited to a bridal shower you assume you are invited to the wedding. Is this still true? I threw a shower for a family member and did not invite some people that I wanted to because they were not going to be invited to the wedding. Then a week before they did get added to the wedding list, I invited them at the last minute explaining everything. They came to the shower even being invited a few days before and brought a gift. Two days after the shower this family member decides she really does not want them at her wedding and is going to un-invite them. They are FAMILY. This family member lives out of town and does not care if anyone gets mad at her. However I live in town and I see them a few times a year and now I fill very ackward. Is she wrong or am I? She’s says it’s her wedding and she should be able to invite who she wants. Which I agree with but un-invite I think is just WRONG. I would love to hear other people comments on this.
Is is proper for the flower girls, which are the only neices to the soon-to-be bride and groom & the only grandchildren in the family to attend the Bridal Shower?? I was told I could not bring my children; i.e. the FLOWER GIRLS, to the bridal shower this has caused quite abit of problems for me. If you could plz help me with the answer to this question I would be grateful!!!:((