The Basics of Bridal Shower Etiquette
by Melanie Doetsch
While showers have evolved into something more relaxed in recent years, you should still know the basics of bridal shower etiquette to avoid a chance of offending anyone.
Since there will probably be disparate groups at the shower — friends, family and co-workers, usually — it's important to understand how everyone should interact. Especially in the case of family: mothers and grandmothers can place great weight on proper bridal shower etiquette, so make sure you know "the rules"!
The Maid of Honor's usually the person who plans and organizes the bridal shower. If she lives out of town, however, it's fine for someone else to do the honors.
Don't take over without checking with her, though. It's her privilege, and you should always ask her before assuming anything. If you're going to do it for her, make sure you keep her comfortably involved through frequent emails and phone calls.
Bridal shower etiquette traditionally says that a shower should take place at least four to six weeks before the wedding. This is just for practical reasons — the bride's going to be too busy any closer to the ceremony — but if she's coming home only two weeks before the wedding, talk to her and see how she feels about having a shower in her honor so close to the wedding. Chances are, she'll think that's fine if most of her friends can manage to come.
There's been an uncomfortable trend in recent years for large showers, where nearly everyone the bride knows gets an invite. This isn't quite what the bridal shower is supposed to be, though. At least by tradition, a bridal shower's meant to be a small, intimate gathering of the bride's closest friends and family. Proper etiquette dictates a group of no more than ten to twenty guests.
Who the guest list should include: the wedding party, the mothers of the bride and groom, sisters of the bride and groom, and the bride's closest friends and/or coworkers. Contrary to some recent practices, it probably shouldn't include every woman invited to the wedding.
Finally, bridal shower etiquette means making a special point of including the wedding party members ... and the mothers. Ask each of these people to take on some particular responsibility, whether it's recording a list of the givers as the gifts are opened, or running the party games. This will help everyone feel like a key part of this special day.
are flower girls invited to the bridal shower
“Not important” — I see the problem!
Mistake #1: your bride should have put the kabosh on this. As flattering as it is to have all those parties thrown in your honor, it’s a bad idea. Most, if not all brides, CANNOT come up with a non-duplicating guest list for every shower that someone feels like hosting. It’s up to her to stop the madness. Plus, is she planning on inviting all these people to the wedding? If not, she has another problem.
Mistake #2: Since she didn’t stop it, she absolutely should not get frustrated at guests who just attend one. Common sense dictates that’s enough, as your family rightly expressed.
If some super-enthusiastic relatives are happy to hit them all … great. But no one should be expected to — and outside the moms & bridesmaids, most people shouldn’t even be invited to more than one.
Plus, keep in mind that most bridesmaids are not going to be thrilled to hit four showers either. The world doesn’t stop when a couple gets married … friends & relatives have lives and obligations too.
Thanks for the reply.
Basically she has several people who want to throw her a shower. Different family members and friends of the family all want to throw their own shower for her and so they do, and she feels it is important to invite the mothers and grandmothers to every shower and when some feel like one was enough, or even 2, then she feels insulted that they only wanted to attend one when her mother and grandmother is more than happy to go to every single one.
basically I am the groom and she is pissed at my family for not going to every shower that her family/friends throw, but they have all been to each one. If i try to say its enough the i get yelled at.
“Not Important” –
I totally agree with you, it’s burdensome. Inviting people to multiple showers should be avoided as much as possible.
BUT …
the multiple showers thing is not covered under etiquette. The traditional shower is ONE shower hosted by friends of the bride, not relatives. Traditionally, it is SMALL. Girlfriends, close family members, end of story. Lots of problems avoided!
If you have more than one shower, you won’t have a lot of etiquette guidelines to lean on. So you’ll have to use diplomacy, and local custom. Obviously, some parts of the country are customarily having WAY more bridal showers than others. You’ll even find places where people separately recognize a “bridal shower,” a “wedding shower”, a lingerie shower … blah blah blah.
Why are there 3, 4, 5 showers happening here? What’s the difference between them? Is one for work? One for the groom’s family who lives 200 miles away? Use that info to winnow out as many repeat guests as you possibly can. Not even a saint could go to three showers for the same blushing bride without starting to feel a little imposed on, gift or no gift.
Maria:
I’m the mother of the groom living with my son in NJ and I’m hosting a bridal shower for my future daughter in law for relatives in NJ and nearby states (within a days drive) Just curious why you wouldnt want to host the shower.
Tori
As the mother of the groom, I do not intend to host a bridal shower for my daughter-in-law-to-be. We have no family in the immediate area. However, I do have some family within a day’s drive who could host a shower, that could include members of our side of the family. How do I give them the idea to do this? A simple, small shower, from our side of the family would mean so much to my son and his wife-to-be!
i am interested in know what others feel about inviting the same people to every single bridal shower. I understand the bridesmaids and mother-of-the-bride are invited to all of them, but is it necessary to invite the grooms mother, and grandmothers to every shower? I feel that it is more burdensome to ask the same people to every shower, and to have them buy you gifts for every shower, especially if you have 3, 4 ,5 + showers. I know it’s not really normal to invite the same guests to every shower, but mainly I want to know about the grandmothers, and other close family members. If they are invited to every single shower, should the bride feel offended or upset that they don’t go to all of them, or more than one?
thanks,
Hi Kelly:
I think many people attending a bridal shower are happy to have a theme and a suggested type of gift to bring. It narrows things down and makes it easier, and “theme” showers are commonplace, so no one should be too surprised. Just make it clear that the theme gifts or even clothing is a suggestion, not a requirement.
Nikki:
Hmm, this is a problem. The bridal shower is NOT a party run by the bride. It is a generous effort that you and (hopefully!) the other bridesmaids plan and pull off. Therefore, YOUR budget and your needs are front and center here. You can ask the bride for suggested guests, but you also need to tell her how many you can comfortably accommodate. Again, that number is up to you. If 70 … yikes! … is out of the question, say so. That is an AWFUL lot of people to expect your friends to pony up for.
Also, whenever a shower (especially outside of work) includes guests who aren’t coming to the wedding, there are bound to be hurt feelings. I think this should be avoided, except maybe in the case of a very small intimate wedding where only family is invited. If you’re having 200+ guests and still inviting people to the shower who aren’t getting a wedding invite … you have a problem.
People need to remember that bridal showers were designed to be INTIMATE, meaning, a cozy occasion between the bride and her best friends, not a social free-for-all that shows off how many hundreds of people you know. When you start getting away from this original intention, you start having etiquette problems and hurt feelings.
Should any ladies be invited to the bridal shower if they are not being invited to the wedding? My girlfriend has a running list of about 70 people she wants to invite, but how can I explain the etiquette and the fact that it will be costly for me (Matron of Honor) to plan and to partly fund……
Is it proper to send a note in the bridal shower invitation to tell a person what theme like kitchen utensils, she has to buy for the shower?
:(I am wondering whether my feelings of hurt are correct. My brothers daughter, (one of 3 female triplets all being married this year, but having their owns weddings) is about to have her bridal shower in two weeks. i have just recently learned about it. I live in Florida, but had all intentions of attending. Now that I know that I am NOT invited I am hurt! Should I say something to my sister-in-law or brother, or should i just keep my mouth shut!
Thanks for your answer in advance. PS……..My daugther-in-laws who live in the same city the the shower is being held in were not invited either!
Jessica, thank you for actually giving me a response and your ideas were helpful. I had thought about doing that and hoping it will all work.
Thanks again for taking the time to give me your input, I really appreciate it!
Ladies!
Help each other out and post more suggestions also!
Is it okay to invite the same people to both of your wedding showers. I have my fiance’s family throwing as well as my aunt on my side of the family.
Jessica, your advice is great, thank you so much for your thoughtful suggestions! :D>-
Robin,
Why not? I’m sure it would be much appreciated. The bride to be should be able to provide you with the names and addresses of people to invite.
RoxAnn,
My mother asked everyone coming to the shower to bring their favorite recipe with them. At the shower she presented me with a recipe book. She had already copied all of her favorites recipes on the cards inside. Then we passed around the extra cards and everyone wrote down one of their favorites. It was an extremely thoughtful, useful and special gift.
Trisha,
Are you familiar with her co-workers? If so, perhaps you could ask each one to provide one specific item: cookies, fruit, flowers for decoration, etc. This should hep you with your budget, and you would not be specifically asking for money.
Kim,
Try to remember that the shower is a gift to your niece. Will you cause division by bowing out? This is her (your niece) special time and not a time for squabbles between relatives. Truly I can’t think of a graceful way to bow out now.
Marilyn,
Showers are intended to pamper the bride! That being said, one should always write a Thank You note to the hostess(es). One note that can be read aloud or posted on a bulletin board should suffice for the Sunday school class. If the hostess is your best friend, close relative etc. and you still feel like you want to do a little extra, a small gift or something home-made like cookies or banana bread. Cookies would also be an affordable option for the Sunday school class.
Ellyce,
First you should register at places like Target, Walmart, Bed Bath and Beyond, any stores that you find in Michigan and California. Then you will just need to spend an afternoon returning the gifts you receive from those stores for credit (some stores will give you cash with receipt). You shouldn’t have too much stuff that you can’t return.
If that is really not an option then I would add a line to the invitations stating that you request no gifts as you will not be able to transport them. Guests should get the hint.
I am hosting a bridal shower for my roommate consisting of co-workers. She has already had the bridesmaid hosted bridal party consisting of family. My dilemma is this: what is the etiquette around paying for the event? Is it in poor taste to ask for contributions?
Please help! I offered to host my neices shower but now MOB has taken over and planned all the details , changed all previously agreed upon arrangements and has sent out several hundred(that is not a typo) shower invitations. I want to gracefully decline further involvement but how?
I have a dilema. I’m from Michigan and my fiance is in the service currently overseas. He will be flying to Michigan for our wedding and we are then immediately going to be relocating to California. It’s going to be very difficult to transport all the gifts from a shower in my little Corolla and I know it’s not good etiquette to ask for money but we really can’t handle getting the gifts from Michigan to California. Any suggestions on what we should do? I’d really appreciate it, thank you.
should the bride give a gift to her bridal shower hostess? what if there are several hostesses, like a Sunday School class?
What is a special gift I can give my daughter, the bride, for a shower gift? I am doing all the food for 50 people and helping the only bridesmaid in town to do all the work. I want it to be special, but I am also on a budget.
Is it appropriate for the mother of the groom to host a bridal shower. My future daughter-in-law lives here, but her family and all of her attendants are several states away and are planning a shower there. She has friends and co workers in the area, although I don’t know them.
Cindy,
Wow, what a greedy little mess! Someone needs to inform your niece that showers are typically thrown voluntarily by the couple’s closest friends or family members. Her only input should be to avoid possible schedule conflicts and additions to the guest list at the host’s request.
Mickie,
Just try to arrive at the shower a little early so that you can have a few moments with the bride beforehand. Let her know how happy you are for her, how much you care, and how happy you are to have made it to the shower. Then kindly let her know that you just wanted to tell her before the shower as you’ll need to leave a little early to arrive home safe. She’ll understand, and no on else’s opinion will matter.
Michelle,
Your friend seems way out of line. It is very rude and improper to exclude family and friends from her wedding, yet EXPECT them to spend money on her. Moreover, she should have never put you in that situation.