The Rehearsal Dinner — It’s Your Party (To Plan if You Want To)
It's the day before the big event. You've got twenty-four hours (or less) to go. In a way, it's like the night before the end of a great political campaign. You're surrounded by most of the people you care for, and the rest are on their way. You've given it your absolute all, and that's really all you can do.
So do you want to spend the night before your wedding all amped up like a high school junior before the SAT? Or do you want to shrug your shoulders and spend this time eating, drinking and making merry with your wedding party and family?
Most brides want the latter. The only hitch: the rehearsal dinner comes at the end of a long, long list of things to organize — and pay for. The good news is, although the rehearsal dinner's a widely adopted custom, it's not required. And if you feel it's a burden, skip it. Go out for hot fudge sundaes with your girlfriends instead, or do whatever it takes to lighten your load.
On the other hand, if your final crunch week hasn't been so bad, you might be looking forward to this chance to spend a cozy evening with the people who helped you pull off this wedding, letting them know how important they are to you. In that case, here are a few pointers for pulling together this small but meaningful party.
The Nitty-Gritty Details
Of course, the rehearsal dinner isn't all play. There's some work involved too: namely, that little matter of the wedding rehearsal, which is usually held on-site at your ceremonial site. This is often the only chance at a group walk-through before the big day, so people are typically eager to do it. The dinner afterward can be held almost anywhere, from a restaurant or a country club to a party house or even someone's home.
Over dinner, the couple typically takes a moment to thank the guests for their time and effort. And often, they follow up with more tangible tokens of thanks for members of the wedding party. Around this time, the bride and groom's parents will typically offer a toast to the couple. Other than these key elements, the rehearsal dinner is a pretty free-form affair without any special agenda. Leave the formality for your wedding day.
Okay, but who pays for the rehearsal dinner? Like so many areas of wedding etiquette, this one's become a little murky. By tradition, parents of the groom are expected to foot the bill, but it's getting increasingly popular for the wedding couple to pay for the dinner themselves. For one thing, today's wedding couples are often a little older and a little better off, and they're used to making their own choices — which often means paying the tab.
Traditionally, the rehearsal dinner is a small affair for parents, wedding party members and significant others, but it's yours, and you can invite anyone you want. It's common to invite out-of-town guests, for example. But if this seems a little overwhelming, try skipping the traditional dinner and holding a simple cocktail party with a cash bar instead, just to give everyone a chance to get together. Keep it simple: ask the venue to supply the hors d'oeuvres.
Your Day, Your Way
Fortunately for overstressed brides, there's nothing about the rehearsal dinner that's written in stone, including whether or not to even have one. So feel free to bend the rules when planning yours, and make it meet your needs.
But if you're up for one, you'll probably find your rehearsal dinner offers a great chance for close friends to partake of your celebration in a satisfyingly intimate setting. And don't forget — unlike so many of those political campaigns, this is one event that's sure to end in triumph.
Where we live (Texas), the groom’s cake is paid for by the groom or his parents. It is served at the reception. Some brides will pay for it, but if the groom has any specific requests and wants to do it himself, he definitely needs to pay for it.
Hi Jo, traditionally the groom’s cake is served at the rehearsal dinner and paid for by the parents of the groom. Especially in the south where this tradition started!
However, in other parts of the country the groom’s cake is sometmes served at the wedding reception as a surprise gift from the bride.
Hi San, on the ecofetti theme I came across this creative Bee who put ecofetti in homemade “poppers” (made of toilet paper rolls!), here:
http://www.weddingbee.com/2007/10/16/toilet-paper-rolls-are-actually-quite-versatile/
It really looked great! Anyone tried this and knows how it cleans up? Another alternative is eco-rice which also dissolves in water.
A few more ideas for you:
Bubbles — yes, I know, nothing revolutionary there. BUT, they look fantastic in photographs … I mean, how cute is this couple?
Then, ribbon wands … adorable for spring or summer … nothing to clean up … also makes great pics!
You don’t say if your wedding has a theme, but there are lots of things you can put in pretty cones that are biodegradable and maybe a little cheaper than ecofetti. Rose petals, lavender buds, dry air-popped popcorn (no oil or butter). Rice paper cut into small confetti chunks. Or for a rustic wedding, mini-pinecones! For rose petals, stick to pastels because the bright red ones can stain.
Finally if your wedding has some kind of theme attached you could walk under an “arch” of something held by your wedding party: hockey sticks, golf clubs, fishing poles … always fun.
If none of these work tell us more about your wedding and its personal details.
San,
I was looking for something unique as well I came across a great alternative to the traditional rice and bubbles. It is called eco-fetti. It is a light weight confetti that floats through the air when thrown, and it dissolves with water so it’s easy clean up. Just Google it for a seller.
Any ideas for when the couple leave the reception besides butterflys, doves, rice, and sparklers?
Our site won’t let us do live animals or burning things.
how about dried flower pedals – lavender, roses………..in lue of rice birdseed and the rest
who pays for the grooms cake if it is to be at the wedding reception?
Thank you for providing this information. I am in the mist of planning my wedding, and knowing that having the rehersal dinner is not a requirement or will be frowned upon was nice to know. Trying to get that fitted into the scheme of things was almost impossible. Because two of the groomsmen will not be able to come in until the night before the wedding rehersal would have had to be at 9:00 pm and I planned on being in bed by that time.
A rehearsal dinner can be expensive say at a nice restaurant or with a lot of people. It can also be relatively inexpensive it you do something like a casual BBQ, clambake, or cook out.
how much would if cost to have a rehasal dinner?
You ARE NOT wrong to be frustrated. Still, it’s one thing in a line of frustrations that occur in weddings because people are emotional and it’s the blending of two families, etc. Also, brides tend to be “control freaks,” not necessarily realizing they are being rude; but rather they want things to be a certain way so their day can go like they’ve always dreamed. Having said all that…….I’m also the mother of a soon to be groom. My husband and I are hosting the rehearsal dinner for 50 – 60 people at a local restaurant. One “rule” that I insisted on with my son when this all began…….whoever is paying makes the decision. She and her parents are paying for the wedding, everything is up to them. We are paying for the rehearsal dinner, transportation, etc. We make those decision. The only exceptions are the ministers and our part of the flowers. I gave the bride a $ amount and told her it was her decision.
SO, if the bride wants to pick out the location for the rehearsal dinner, then it stands to reason that she foots the tab. If you and your exhusband want to foot the tab, the two of you pick out the location. If the two of you decide to split the cost, that’s a personal matter between the two of you. But, there’s no way I’d let the bride pick out where I had to host a dinner. That’s not even reasonable. I hope she’s not doing it to be rude, but because she’s naive.
About not being invited to the food tasting……..I’m not sure I understand. You are invited to the wedding, but not the food tasting? They addressed the invitation to the both of you together, even though you are no longer married? I didn’t quite understand the last part. But, YES….is rude if the mother of the groom is not invited to a part of the wedding festivities when other parents are included.
IF you have been a continued part of your son’s life, then HE is the person you should be talking to and telling him how you feel. Chances are that even though he knows what is happening, he’s not really “catching” the whole picture. I’d talk to him!
Sorry if my opinion is too late. Hope things worked out.
I am the mother of the groom. The father of the groom and I are divorced but are on speaking terms. The bride picked a very expensive place for the rhearsal dinner my exhusband called me to ask if I would split the cost with him. I plan to offer to host the dinner in at my home and my exhusband and I split the cost. What do you think. One should the bride pick the place?Two if divorced do we both pay?Also the couple are paying for the reception and there is a food tasting and only 6 could attend. Beside the couple her parents are going and my exhusband and his girlfriend. My name is on the invitation as well as his fathers yet I was not invited to the food tasting am I wrong to be upset?